Thursday, May 28, 2009

Foiled...Temporarily?

So I am looking for work, so many are.
I am in a foreign country, which makes it a bit more complicated
I found some work, yay for me
I got a wonderful offer, yay for me
The union is blocking me from taking it
This bites.

I mean when I started in this industry I could not get paid because I was not in the union
I was limited to volunteer jobs and hack work to build my resume
I built it up, I survived for 10 years
I got into the union
In the last while things have changed dramatically and people can't afford the wages of the union
So now I can't get paid because I am in the union

I am forced/choose to step outside of my speciality and focus 
Just to survive
and now I see the union has jurisdiction there too
so now to make a living I have to go to a profession that I have no desire to be in at all
and forgo my dreams because the union which protects me won't let me work

I will petition and find a way
But I am getting tired of fighting to do what I want
I thought if you pursued your dreams and lived by your heart you got somewhere

Right now I am frustrated.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Communication

Everyone carries some baggage

It is only human to hold onto things of our past.

For some that baggage is light and simple, a fatigue due to an ex who we may never think about again

For others the baggage is life's tragedy and its impact will never allow them to mover forward

And then for others yet again they are somewhere in between these two


With baggage one thing seems common.

The way that we hear people's speech

This thing is not solely referenced to past romantic relationships

But truly to all relationships

Ever had a parent constantly nag you to speak up?

They look at you and say "Well....?" expecting the answer


Picture it, you're at home with your special someone

You're having a good time, laughing, being playful and all those things

Your special someone looks at you and says "Well....?" in that same tone.

Your mind goes into spasms, your stomach churns and your wonderful little moment is gone


Words and tones become associated to people in relationships

They have both positive and negative impacts

The thing to remember is that not everyone uses language in the same way.

Although it is the same phrase that sends chills down your spine it is not the same tone.

And unless it is coming from the person who you associate it too, then it likely does not have any connection to the same meaning

Suck it up, remember that each person is unique and so is each communication

Jump out of your Pavlovian response and be yourself, 

Respond to this new person in the way they make you feel.

Falling

Jumping off a tall building will eventually kill you

But the jump is not the culprit

Nor is it the thirty six story fall

Falling does not kill you

What kills you is the impact when you hit the ground

Impact kills, play safe, go no contact until its worth it

Proverbs

Yesterday is the past

We cannot change it for it is history

Tomorrow is the future

It remains an unknown

Today is a gift

That is why it is the present

So approach it like it is Christmas day and tear into it


Confucius say:

"Man who go to bed with itchy bum

wake up with stinky finger"


One cannot judge another 

Until they have walked a mile in their shoes


Love is a two way street

Share the road


What goes around comes around

so treat everyone equally


You never know who will be in the audience

Always give it your best 


Have sex on Wednesdays

It is hump day after all

Everyone likes a hump day


Live every day like it is your last

It just might be


Never hide from sharing your feelings

Make sure that everyone always knows how you feel

Make sure if you feel bad you solve it

If you are upset with someone get through it then not later

You never know when you will see them again


Do not put off till tomorrow what you can do today


A penny saved is a penny earned


Its better to burn out than fade away


Try everything at least three times

The first time you are inexperienced and adjusting

The second time you are getting the hang of it

The third time you have the ability to make an informed decision

Besides the global sport of baseball gives every player three strikes

Millions of fans can't be wrong


Accept people for who they are right now

Do not judge them for their past

For their past is what makes them the person they are right now

The past, good or bad is irrelevant, you have to deal with the person in front of you


Remember to fuck

Remember to screw

Remember to have a quickie

Do it in the shower, on the floor, in the kitchen

Outside, inside, and anywhere you can 

But always remember to make love.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Friendship

Today I received an email from an old acquaintance; a forward I almost deleted for spam. But the name rang a rusty bell and I opened it.  It was tale of a good wishes based on I Wish You Enough


Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, 'I love you and I wish you enough'.  The daughter replied, 'Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom'. They kissed and the daughter left.. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking, 'Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?' 
'Yes, I have,' I replied. 'Forgive me for asking, but why is this forever good-bye?' 
'I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral,' she said. 
'When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough'. May I ask what that means? '. 

She began to smile. 'That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone'. She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. 'When we said, 'I wish you enough', we want the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them'. Then turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory. 

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear. 
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more. 
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting. 
I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger. 
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. 
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess  
I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye. 
She then began to cry and walked away. 

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them but then an entire life to forget them. 

Only if you wish send this to the people you will never forget and remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you. If you don't send it to anyone it may mean that you are in such a hurry that you have forgotten your friends. 
TAKE TIME TO LIVE..... 
To all my friends and loved ones , 
I WISH YOU ENOUGH

This is my way of sending it out to everyone.  I was reminded in greater detail of this wonderful little story by a true friend, who sent me a reference letter for a position I am applying for.  The insight into who I am and the way it was phrased exemplified friendship and the idea of wishing enough. 

Friday, May 22, 2009

I Feel Six

Taken care of
Relatively care free
Trying but messing up
Useful for some things
In the way for others
Cute but cumbersome
I have an allowance but it is almost run out
I wonder if I will ever grow up?

Nicknames

One is
aka my little boy
aka grampa
aka buddy
aka baby
aka cutie

Two is 
aka Satan Spawn
aka Bitch
aka J-Lo Butt
aka my little girl

Three is
aka Theif
aka Chipmunk
aka Brat
aka Pork Chop
aka lemur
aka King Julian
aka Instigator
aka Trailer Trash


I think three has an identity complex and the other two, well everyone has a nick name.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

On the Sidewalk

Walking today I noticed some words of wisdom imbedded in the sidewalk
Little tablets laid by city planners to evoke thought
Here is one I want to share

Actors are the only honest hypocrites. Their life is a voluntary dream; and the height of their ambition is to be beside themselves.  (William Hazlitt)

Oh so true.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

From Me

At one point in my life 
I was very cautious with the words I chose
I spoke very carefully 
I was nicknamed the mouse because I was so quiet
When asked for my input I had fountains of knowledge
But I chose carefully how I said it

Things changed somewhere along the line
Not sure when
I don't think I am any less careful with my thoughts
But I do offer them more freely
People comment on when I am silent, somewhat surprised

But what is different is this
I often say or write something
Simply because I do
It is what I do
I have been questioned on these things a few times
In pondering them carefully I realized that I often express based on intuition or feeling
That although I may not know exactly in the moment why I am saying something it is usually quite right and emotionally speaking hitting the nail on the head
I pondered further and realized
I trained for twenty years as an actor
Twenty years of training which teaches the ability to access and trust feelings
Something I don't think I do very well as I can't get hired as an actor
But apparently I was wrong
I do it very well
I intuit and express my feelings and impact people
I do this when I just let myself be 
When I don't try to do it

What I have learned is that I am really bad at explaining why I am saying a specific thing
Yes I know I just pointed out that you are hurting and in denial and were choosing to hide
Yes I know we were talking about chocolate cake and that had nothing to do with it
Yes I know that I was right on the head with it and it frustrates you
NO! I have no idea how our chocolate cake conversation brought that to light or what you did or said to make me say that
Trust me


Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The List

Eyes
Sunglasses
Home
Car
Motorcycle
Martini
Fine Wine
Expensive Dinner
Frequent outing
Travel
Love and happiness
You
No more side/day jobs

It is mine.  Something big is happening now.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

It makes me wonder...

I see so much and I take in so much
You are a conscious unconscious focus of mine
Everything that is done is taken in
In to me
In some fashion
Over time I compute it and recognize it 
I adapt to it and I adjust
Finding ways to satisfy us both
Doing things
Getting through things
Does it make a good or bad partner?
I wonder at how I can talk so much and then I realize the above
Hours of things stored inside of me, particulars that are us
When the trigger is there and I am asked to explain in just the right way
I open up the locker
I sift through it and it makes sense
And there are hours of conversation and flow about the why
Yet these moments tend to come under stress 
When you feel lost or neglected
So in speech I piece together all the things which you do not see
To hope that you will understand I do care and am always there

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Time Travel

I have always been in the wrong era
It feels like my being, my self, would have fit better at different points in history
As a youth I would have done better in ancient Japan
I have an interesting knowledge of that era and I would have been a Ronin or a Samurai and felt located properly
I should have also existed during the times of distinct classes
The late 1800's or early 1900's
I am a romantic at heart and I love to woo and follow through
Being a young aristocrat with monies supplied by family fortune
I would vacation in summer homes, and live in the dirty city regularly
I would woo the rich maidens 
My taste for adventure would not be hampered and I am sure I would be a favorite among the group
But a disdain to the politeness of court life.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Something Big


It seems to me that I have one true ability
That is the ability to pull something off and be able to somehow make at least enough to get what I need in the moment
It is not always easy, 
It is always stressful when I am at that point of pulling things together
It can be painful
It can be degrading and draining to think here I am at the bottom again
It can be hard as I claw to the top of a hole I fell into
It can be many things

I am fortunate that situations I end up in are not bad.
Like I did not lose my job
Or I did not gamble myself into debt 
Or anything like that
It seems though that my best laid plans seem to have flaws and only work out to some degree
The some degree they work out to is good 
But typically the result of good means that I am broke
So I have been broke many times in my life with many good things for those moments

Broke, some joke and say I am so organized that broke to me is everyone else's survival point
Well I would agree up until the last couple of years
I have been giving it my all and that means broke, nothing, nadda, niet, nein
So the joke is over

As it stands I have pulled together a bunch of stuff to pull me up temporarily from this monetary lag
Once again I am poised to push over the top until I can secure something more stable
Lucky me, crafty me, PR me, resourceful me

But this time I am putting it out there
I can feel it in my bones
I can hear the gods crying it out
I want to scream it from the mountain tops
This time these clawing hands will find gold
Something big is happening to me
Something huge is come 
Something beyond my scope of rational and reason is here
and this time I will be more than alright
This time I will breathe not for just making it
But I shall breathe a deep breath of freedom
I will look back without worry and know I can proceed and be secure
That I will be able to feel successful
It is time, It is here, It is now
I no longer take anything but this feeling
For I am tired
But I have not lost my faith
I believe it is now
This time Goliath will not rise again

You

Have everything that you asked for
There are still some variables but the outcome is known
There is still some nervousness but you have a clear path
You made a Christmas wish list and got everything you wanted on it
So jump up and down
Dance for joy
Sing praise for happiness
Spill a libation to the gods
And drink ten more for yourself
Celebrate for you are no longer allowed 
To shoot Christmas in the foot

Reflections

One is well mannered and self sufficient

Quiet, knows what it likes, and rarely demands

Crafty and intelligent

Accepting of the situation

A supporter and one who understands


One is a leader

Domineering and demanding

Requires attention and does not understand personal space

Quick to judge

Yet is clearly all of the opposites as well

A follower

Submissive and accepting

Wants to be alone and have its own personal space undisturbed

Is wary and untrusting


One is independent

Adorable and cute

Knows how to play those qualities

Likes to cause trouble

Begins fights for fun

Steals to annoy

Exasperates a situation

But is passive when truly confronted

and backs nothing up

Monday, May 4, 2009

Fortunate

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
How many of us heard that question as a child?
I know I did.
But I am fortunate at a very young age I knew exactly what I wanted.
I pursued it diligently and well I am still not successful at it
This lack of success (defined solely by my ability to support myself and live a bit of life with a good pint regularly)
Is the source of, at least I feel so, all my problems.
When I fight with my love, the bottom line, insecure and not myself
Why? because I am struggling, I am lost, I am not doing what I want for a career
Much of that will be taken away just in having an income
For that will settle my insecurities of taking care of myself
But we come back to what I want to do
I was under an impression that if you wanted something you worked for it and got it
It seems that I was wrong or that there are some limited reasons why it has not happened
1) I didn't work hard enough (possible, many would say I am the hardest worker at it)
2) I have not given it enough time (what wait till I am sixty?)
3) I don't actually have the skills to compete in the field I want and will never make it (possible, some for some against on that one)
4) I don't have the right connections (big one)
5) I am now too old for what I want

6) This one is the big one, the philosophical question which determines life in my head.  That I picked a path for the wrong reasons, and have never had the clarity of vision to see that fact.  In that, I have been blind to the offers thrown at me by the universe for great opportunities and I have shut them down.  In shutting them down I have trained myself to live on the "what if " and have become a dreamer more than a creator.  As a dreamer I complete the vicious circle of self perpetuation continually dreaming on the what if and missing more opportunities.  Finally in being the dreamer do not know how to live in the concrete of what is now.  In the last statement creating destitution to sum it up in one word (possibly a bit extreme in that word but it will do)

When does it end?  When does it become clear?  I guess and think the answer to that is when I make a concrete choice to live in the now and accept what is in front of me instead of what I strive for.  Yet, I was taught/believed if you build it it will come, I have a dream etc.  I have proven this lesson/belief in the person who I love. Settling for nothing less than what I wanted I have the most amazing better half.   So I sit on dilemma when it comes to career.  It can be achieved for where there is a will there is a way.  I will have to do it and I choose to find it from a point of living in the concrete first now and dealing with the what if later.  Maybe this path will have better results than the last twenty years.

Email

This form of communication has revolutionized our world
while degrading our grammar and writing skills.
Recently reading emails from friends I notice that 
there are so many conflicting thoughts or out of sequence thoughts
that grade nine teacher would not give it a passing grade 
With the speed and efficiency it offers people rarely stop 
to compose a coherent letter. 
Whatever comes to mind is thrown down and send is pressed
This often leads to stifled communication 
At least the slow degradation of how we communicate
for if we write poorly then our thoughts and speech begin to follow
Short blurts and thoughts that jump from one incomplete point to the next
And all of this does not even begin to mention spelling.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Alone

I can still taste you, smell you, hear you
You are only gone for a few days but you are missed
By me and six eyes
Stress has hung over us the last while
It seems some of that is lifted
Yet not all
Still so much that sits as an incomplete on my side
I just want to be able to be here with you and live
Sitting in a new place together without the stress
Money easy and able to order a martini together
Forever

Friday, May 1, 2009

Unknown

There is a space in time when everything collides
It is the process during change
When all the factors meet at the centre 
and the outcome is unknown
The few things known are the basis for forward momentum
But all the what ifs are the things threatening to crush
For an analytical mind
Each and every possibility must be looked and weighed
For the free spirited mind 
The outcome of choice must be clung to
If one is an optimist then regardless of mind forward momentum is easy
If one is a pessimist then regardless of mind forward momentum is difficult
But if one is all of these things
Forward momentum is next to impossible
They get stuck in the centre of all the choices and possibilities
Drawing, like the centre of a vortex, all the choices and options around them
In doing so they create a cage which they cannot escape or see beyond
But like all things this vortex too possesses energy and therefore momentum
So it moves forward based on the choices made when there was some clarity
Until it reaches that spot of the known which started it all
Then optimism or pessimism can rain on that parade
And once that shower is passed
New choices must be made to progress from that spot 
and the vortex begins again