Chaos Thinks This Way

Lifted W(eigh)aits

2011-02-24T08:50:00.002-05:00

I notice in the past few weeks since contact
That my shoulders sit lower
The pain in my low back has subsided
I sleep better and so on.

I am able to look at her in a different light
See forward progression and give a bit more
There is no more skeleton standing in my closet
It is dealt with

This means I can look at the space in this moment
And those moving forward
Without weight on my shoulders
And claim it.

I don't have to look backwards and hope that one day will come.
One day does come but it is on a new road.
There are still hurts
But they are easier to let go
In order to make new joys with someone new
With myself

I wish I did not focus so much on the past
but I do
That moment is complete for me now
The wait is over
The weight is lifted
and now we see what the future moments hold

Redemption?

2011-02-24T08:47:00.002-05:00

So time has gone by
almost two years
You finally contacted me
Some civil emails regarding money
An agreement made
and come the new month payments to follow

After all that was put in
time across countries
opening of hearts and minds
all that remains is a few payments

What a fucked up world we live in
That two people willing to share their life together
Cannot find the decency to, at the least,
Express why it stopped working

I tried
No response
Time to move forward
Payments close the past
Truly it makes me sick

Transitions

2011-01-21T11:58:00.002-05:00

So after almost two years you have contacted me.
Aside from the comment of feeling harassed it was a clear email
Clear in the way you once communicated with me
Straight forward, without doubt or question
Goals are clearly laid out and I know what to do with it

It of course deals with the money
Our final closure
It is a nice thing
A surprising weight feels as though it has been lifted

However, it leaves me with thoughts and question
It is obvious that you are now this clear (and this is known already)
That you have moved on, there is no need to banter or hide
There is a shift back to the clear headed you leaving me in the dust

But I question, where was this clarity when it all started to fall apart
Why could you not have expressed with clarity your confusion
and what you wanted to do about - even if that was to be left alone?
I question, why did you need to string me along?
Why not face the reality and share the truth?
Did you have to drag it out and hide?
Could we not have solved this so much earlier?

and so the questions go.
Answers never to come.
But at least I have the solace of this clearing up
A point of light at the end of a tunnel that says
"Very soon I will no longer need to question, the weight is gone!"

It is sad solace looking back on the fact that I wanted to marry you
But it is solace none the less.

Response?

2010-11-16T01:03:00.003-05:00

I keep hoping for a response

I don't want to have to escalate

Hoping you can at least be civil

Then for all of that

Fear of moving on

Because I loved once

And got crushed

Just wish sometimes I could wake up

Realize it was a bad dream

Give you a kiss and make you cheese toast after taking dogs out

I know

You don't want that

Neither do I really

But it was nice

I hope you can come around to a civil place

So I don't have to escalate

The Letter

2010-10-28T00:53:00.001-04:00

Today I sent the letter

A final piece that says all that remains is money

I knew this but putting action to things is another story

It hurts

I took a look at a photo of us from two years ago

How could I misjudge your character so much?

Apples

2010-10-18T01:15:00.001-04:00

What makes it hard to post?

Your posts make me feel human

Not alone

So much time since you first commented on something I wrote

I think of you

I follow

I wonder if you are okay?

Do we heal?

Yes

We have to allow ourselves too.

A Good Day

2010-10-18T01:10:00.003-04:00

I had the day off

Highly unusual

I planned to spend the day cooking one of my favorite meals

(it takes 7 hours plus prep to do it up right)

So last night I started the prep

Opened the wine

Rented the movies

You came over

And that is a good thing

We talked we watched we played

You went home and left me till supper

I got up early

began the cooking

I cleaned

I did homework (I drank)

I stretched and relaxed

You came over

We ate the feast

We watched movies

and you had to go

Coat on

Ready to leave

But you won't stop touching, playing

Then we are in my room

Clothes on the floor

And so it begins

You are not her

No one ever will be

I enjoy you

the haunting of the past left

but am I ready?

Haunting

2010-10-15T01:08:00.002-04:00

You continue to haunt me

Show up in my mind regularly

I think it is tragic

But slowly bit by bit you influence me less

The last thing you did, I am aware of it, really turned me off

I am in the final state of action

I move forward

I see others now

Even had girlfriends

But I have not found the feeling I want

It is nice to spend time

To share

But it sits in the feeling that will solidify everything

It will be found?

On love

2010-09-14T18:49:00.002-04:00

Just saw Barney's Version with Paul Giamatti,

My new favourite film

I am and always have been a romantic at heart

Someone who believes in love and all the trappings of it.

No I don't buy into Hollywood because they always paint a pretty picture

It is the stuff fairy tales are made of

and YES love should be like that but it is also routine, conflict, challenge,

The stuff that Hollywood does not show us

Every now and again I see a film that captures the true spirit of love in my mind

When Harry Met Sally was the first

Contact was the second

and now Barney's Version.

We see people work for it, find it, live it, and deal with it in all its forms

It is what I will one day share, I hope with someone

Barney says to his love

"I am just going to keep talking here because I am afraid if I stop, there will be that pause, that moment, the silence and you are going to say "it's getting late" or "I need to go" and I don't ever want that to happen, ever."

He turns to look at her, they stop, she replies

"There it is, that silence, I'm still here"

To have you still here, who ever you are, even after you see my worst

A dream, to dream beyond all dreams.

Emptiness

2010-09-13T23:27:00.003-04:00

I did an audition tonight

It was a really good audition

I am being considered for a role

In a non-union/non-paying production

It is a prominent show and the role would be good on the resume

but it made me feel empty

I fell into a generation where talents were not recognized

where established individuals were doing entry level work

where a beginner had greater challenges standing out and building

As it goes I was good enough to get my union status

but not good enough to compete when I got them

so my resume still is unrecognized

and here I am fighting to get permission from the union

to do a non union show

so my resume will grow

and it will cost me time and money away from work to do it

disheartening

Apples

2010-09-04T23:52:00.002-04:00

Where are you?

Where have you been?

How are you?

I wonder

Never knowing you

But thinking of you

Be safe.

Inner Tears

2010-09-04T23:48:00.003-04:00

Just saw a movie called Defendor

Simple movie

Simple idea

A simple man who is mentally challenged or slow or not all there

Fantasizes and actualizes becoming super hero

Nothing special about him

He just dresses up and goes out to get bad guys

Because of his challenges his view on the world is different black and white

So he is set on one goal and only that goal

He falls in love and he has emotions

He gets hurt and he falls down

Can a simpleton save the world?

Or does it just take one man with the courage to stand up to another

Justly to start the chain of events that change our space?

It is not Hollywood in this movie and as it came to a close

I found myself with a tear on my cheek

Confusion

2010-08-20T01:36:00.001-04:00

Some days are good.

Some are bad

Today a day where I think

Why did I even try?

Why did I not have the strength to say goodbye with the first sign?

Why and why and why?

Others say I am good?

I agree.

So really why did I do this to me?

The Hurt Locker

2010-08-11T23:44:00.002-04:00

Jeremy Renner says

"when you are as old as me, you find you love only a few things

maybe it is just one thing"

And then they cut to him going back to the field, cut to him in his bomb suit.

He expresses he loves nothing but his work. Surface.

A look at the movie and his actions show that he is suicidal, looking to die

He is a looking for his suicide bomb

He loves his adrenaline, it is a drug, he loves his death because he needs escape

How can people get so cold that they lose the love they have the love that creates life in babies and leads to commitments like marriage?

How can we do what we do that pushes all that away?

Head Kick

2010-08-09T22:42:00.002-04:00

I wrote to communicate about the debt owing

From you to me

Silence for a year of course nothing remains

But money

I have been civil and trusting that this will/can be

Resolved between us with out a court of law

Your email is no longer active, nor is your phone

So you have run

I believe that one day I will hear from you but I would like to know when

I have sent snail mail

We will see....

It is time

2010-07-26T21:57:00.001-04:00

I still think of you but it is different

I recognize your coldness and know

It took too long

But now I am not afraid

To show you what is up

I have to be strong and face the facts

There are matters to be dealt with

No longer the heart

No longer the mind

Just the logistics of a goodbye.

You don't know me

2010-07-21T01:32:00.002-04:00

Started truly dating again

trying to reclaim myself

My life, my love.

Been listening to me

Wondering if I know how to do this

Thinking

Realizing that people don't really understand the self

that they are taken by surprise

and in that they take the ones around them by surprise too

Leaving them without explanation or thought

Just the aftermath of what they did

So I sit waiting to meet a person who has enough awareness

to not give me aftermath

but give me the moment

Someone I can know

Who knows themself

Another Day

2010-07-12T23:36:00.001-04:00

So I met someone,

She is nice,

She never called back

So I met someone else

She is nice

She never followed through

And so the story goes.

I must be doing something wrong.

I am tired.

The communication thing does not seem to work.

Maybe I will try lying instead.

Must be

2010-06-22T00:25:00.003-04:00

something better for me on the horizon

It does not feel like it but

I cannot believe that you were my swan song

Some days are good, some are bad

Soon another will be in my life

All will be good

For now, just time to relish

Spending time with me

Feeling

2010-06-21T00:17:00.002-04:00

I don't know

I miss you

I hurt

But reality speaks to so many "negative" things

I look to move forward

I feel alone

I feel it won't ever happen

I don't see myself with anyone

I spend so much time solo

I question my ability to interact

To communicate

I don't know

I wonder

How did we affect each other?

How did it change?

I think it does not matter

I think

I don't know

Just a hollowness

Tolerance

2010-06-03T09:01:00.002-04:00

I have the ability

skill

power

or is it stupidity

lack of worth

short sightedness

to deal with

and tolerate

people long after

everyone else

I know

would walk away.

Forward

2010-06-02T09:30:00.003-04:00

There must be something more

something better

something which suits me perfectly

(there is no perfect only perfect for me)

Not getting what I want

Which means forward there is something

That will fulfill that

Forward!

Contact

2010-05-26T23:40:00.003-04:00

A year goes by

Limited contact

A few lame attempts to suggesting we work it out

No follow through

Silence

My pain, my misery,

Confusion, no explanation,

No understanding

Attempts to solve

Working solo for a year

I start to come to my senses

Accept you are gone

That your words are lies

I stand up

Write a goodbye email for me

and you respond

The only reason I write you say

Is to manipulate and get what I want

I wonder if you read anything in the past year

If you took time to look at us

Because all the emails say the same thing

"Please talk to me so we can figure this out"

Empty

2010-05-25T05:27:00.002-04:00

The time has come where I have said

No more emails

No more contact (barring business)

I have sent my last one and stuck to it

There just comes a time when I accept the action

The words are empty

I know this

I can see this

It indicates that what we had may have been nothing

It is without question time to move on

Yet, inside my soul feels empty

I feel hollow

I feel missing

I feel some of me is truly gone

It dampens my spirit and

In some ways I feel I may never get it back

That I am not competent enough

To hold those feelings for anyone ever again

Each day I wake up

You still run in my mind

Each night I rest my head

You are in my thoughts

Time for you to go away too

Fully

Time to feel truly empty

How have...

2010-05-13T15:19:00.002-04:00

you been treated lately?

A question in reference to you.

The answer, horribly, still no response.

I know it is done. Sad when all that was asked for was simple courtesy

Even if it was a goodbye.

I have been letting go but that gave me misty eyes.

I look at who presents themself to me lately

I just don't get excited, and I wonder if I ever will.

I really did give it all.

Better to have loved and.....

Frustration

2010-05-11T05:17:00.002-04:00

All the things I am looking for are here

All is well

The things which cause me stress are not present

This is great

Why am I frustrated?

Because I want to share and experience it with someone

A special person

That is the part which seems to elude me constantly

They say we create our own worlds and destiny

I think I believe this

So why do I keep creating something in which I am frustrated

Lacking in one aspect or another?

That is the part which makes no sense

Why create that which we find disturbing?

It perplexes me and not sure how to remedy it!

Lately

2010-05-10T23:01:00.003-04:00

I have been effected by excessive longing

Missing you

Wondering why

Wishing you would get out of my head

So I could just move forward and get something so much better

Cause you sure are not it with the silence and lack of communication you hold

Moving

2010-04-30T01:44:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow

Hard to deal with it in some respects

Glad to get a good place

New start etc.

Sad, confused as it is not with us.

Never

2010-04-24T00:29:00.002-04:00

Thought I would say it

It may be temporary

But I don't really think so

I am fed up

Tired

Beat down

I don't need to question

I know the answer

I would like to hear you say it

But know I will never

You don't have the courage

To stand up and be the person you said you were

You don't have actions to support what you told me

You are not the you I know

In that I just accept

I don't really miss

I don't really hurt

I don't really anything

I am numb for it all

Wasted time?

No I don't regret

It gave me more things I did not have

Life turning around

In ways I would not expect

But in general I am numb

Not just to you but to all potentials

Why go there?

It does not matter so many lies

No truths in who people are

Action versus words

They don't match

I said it all before I met you

You seemed different

Words meeting action

and one thing goes wrong

One thing you didn't want to face

and your tune changed

Like everyone else

So I have a new theory

That people when challenged with the things they don't want

Become who they are not to deal with them

And get rid of themself who was with you

and the you they no longer want

Why?

2010-04-20T05:31:00.003-04:00

Does it still hurt

Does it still bother

Does it still confuse

All questions without punctuation

because they seem pointless and painful without end.

This is truly sad, not tears, but oh my god get over it sad

The sappy love story finished two hours ago.

Another Night

2010-04-19T23:58:00.002-04:00

I am perplexed

With each passing day

I can see without a doubt

That in the end you really don't care

There is no hope

There is no etc.

With each day I accept this more

Chastising myself each time I consider how long it is taking

To heal and to let go

And I wonder to myself

Why, would I, even offer you a thought

You who treated me so poorly without respect at the end

I wonder why tonight I feel longing

Why I sit missing you and wishing

Guess I truly gave my heart

Guess it takes a lot to get it back

Without You

2010-04-12T00:51:00.002-04:00

I rock climb

I act

I create theatre

I develop children's shows

I live a free spirited life and don't worry about finding a career

I build my career in the arts

I live some would say

These are all things that I would do with you

I just needed the time to figure out how to do them there

Time you wouldn't give us as you didn't communicate

It is okay, I have fell naturally to the things I love

and although you do not experience them with me

I think, it is for the better,

You didn't want to share them or you would have worked and communicated

One always should be with the someone who simply partakes of you

In hindsight I see you did not

Sad

Chaos

2010-04-07T09:08:00.003-04:00

The world swims around me

There is so much going on

That I am averaging about 4 hours sleep each night

So much I don't flip my bed out to sleep

I just fall down on the couch

I woke up to see and feel the chaos

which I have ordered quite well

surrounding me

I look forward to moving

To creating a space which facilitates my busy

but accommodates peace

It is important to have a resting place

I breathe

Dreams

2010-04-05T09:45:00.003-04:00

Had a weird one last night

I guess a product of my ex finally contacting me

Cold as ever.

I dreamed I was a jedi

Wielding my light saber

In a dark room

The battle seemed fierce

But when was over come by the evil forces

The director called cut and told us we had messed up the choreography

Later I was sitting at a fancy dinner

When a "bad guy" came up to let me know he had succeeded in stealing the nuclear bomb

As everyone evacuated someone asked me, Justin, actually where I was going?

I was responsible for disarming it.

Why me?

So off I went to do so

A tangle of wires that seemed familiar.

So familiar it was the same dream I had before.

Then I awoke.

Offers to my psychosis, and what it all means.

Sometimes

2010-04-03T04:09:00.004-04:00

Sometimes I sit back and look at my life

It is 4am and I don't know why I am not asleep

I am so busy doing things that I just want to rebel

Stay up and do what I want

Relax, be luxurious, watch a movie, write etc.

In four hours I will be tired as I go to work.

I know this yet still I stay up.

I look at my life and see how it is so not like any norm

I have much of what I want but I have to work

I do crazy hours, work multiple jobs, just to pursue my dream

It burns me out and I want to just feel ... normal?

I want my dreams in my hand

But I don't want the work that goes with them

It is why I sometimes need to rebel

stay up late and say fuck it

because I have to let the work go while I cut loose from it

I will make it up, I will be tired, I will achieve

I don't lead a 9-5 life, I never have

I don't know if I could

In these moments I sometimes want/wish for a "real" job

The stableness of it

The 9-5 of it as I think about settling down

The normalcy so I can know and expect and feel secure

It would be nice but would I be happy?

Waking Up

2010-03-30T05:26:00.002-04:00

There is so much going on right now

Fabulous

I am acting

Reading another script for more acting

Reading another script for maybe directing

Auditions for more acting

Work is fun and money is coming in

I am blessed

Thank you universe

I woke up this morning

Alone

I realize I have no one to share this with

I thought it would have been you

I realized I am living one of my fears

Alone

It does not kill me

But makes me sad

When I am ready I will open to let someone in

Then I will share

Maybe I just need to learn how to do this on my own

Hope vs. Faith

2010-03-28T23:17:00.002-04:00

How often have you hoped for something?

How often have you had faith for something?

I believe that hope is the action, mentally and physically of holding on.

Holding on in a way that is crushing, clinging, clutching and suffocating.

We wrap ourselves around the something and with all our might we hope that it will do what we want.

This is an act of fear.

Fear in its suffocating, holding, crushing nature is the opposite of love.

Love is the act of letting go.

Allowing something its freedom to do/be what it needs.

In giving it this freedom we offer true acceptance of what something is

True acceptance is true love and it is exemplified in faith.

Faith is the believing in something, and knowing somewhere within yourself that it will come to be the way we see it

We do not cling to it, crush it or suffocate it

Rather we allow it the time to go through all that it needs to go

Throughout this time we support it and offer ourselves in any way it needs

When it has decided and come to itself it will be there for us

and so our faith in it comes true.

The important thing which moves hope to faith is action

When there is evidence and outcome that things are happening

then we have faith.

When we nothing occurs and we are given nothing to see action

We hope.

Life Challenges

2010-03-20T16:37:00.003-04:00

I have reached a point of frustration
Like that has never happened before
I do not feel like I am acheiving what I want
Emotionally.

I recently was given the tools to deal with this
Yet I find myself not using them
In the past few weeks I continue to question why?
I can solve but I do not.

I look at the tools and myself and know the answer
Using these tools will require me to dig into myself
Dig deep and face things
I believe that I am a good person, that I offer much
Yet I keep scaring women away from strong relationships
There must be something wrong
So what if I dig in and find I don't like what I see?
What if I find something I can't live with?
What if I find something I cannot get past or fix?

It is easier to carry on with what is known
Easier to face the existing blase
Yet it leaves me feeling depressed and sad
This is not living

I simply want to find someone who will share my life and take me for who I am
I thought I had that but I was wrong
Close but no cigar
Without work I will never have a cigar
So I write this to empower me to begin the work
Begin the work
Make the time to use the tools
and one day not miss what was but relish what is

Dates

2010-03-17T23:21:00.003-04:00

I am in the restaurant
Having drinks and enjoying conversation
Another date

The woman is beautiful
Attractive,
Entertaining,
She holds conversation
and in short this is good

The point is it is in short
I think to myself why?
Where is the connection
How do I establish it
Where is the wow that makes me think I would like to do it again

Just over two years ago I said
"I would love to talk to you all night"
And I meant it so we found a way
Literally
And two years went by in bliss for me

I don't want to do it all again
To find I am wrong
To share to open
To be part of
Only to be lied to
Played
and finally turned away

I don't think
I will find the wow
for a while

Dreams

2010-03-15T00:42:00.001-04:00

I have had wierd dreams lately
Involving people in my life
who although are part of it are more
in the outside circle

Dreams involving bold actions
big cities and then their contrast
meek actions or none

Vivid and powerful
yet I do not know how to connect them

Trains

2010-03-13T18:50:00.003-05:00

I am on a train
Off to visit a friend
The train feels exciting to me.
I am glad to be going.
Doing something different.
I wonder as the rain beats against the window
If I am getting better.

I think of the day
The smiling I did
and I think I am.

Had a realization the other morning
Get the money and run
Treated so poorly why hang on?
Wondering why it takes so long to understand simple things
Oh yeah my heart was totally in it.

One day.

Contact

2010-03-07T00:05:00.002-05:00

Just watched Contact again.
Thought to myself that I could review it and put it on my review page (rather defunk)
But then I thought I don't want to ruin something the impacts me by analyzing it

There is not much to the movie
Girl studies space, gets signal, big hoopla to go chase signal, gets to outer space, comes back no one believes her
Decent film

What makes it impact is love.
What?
Love!
There is a little continuing plot between Matt McC and Jodi F.
They meet, fall in love, she denies, he pursues at a distance, knowing she will come around
At the end of the film he is still there for her
In the face of the world's skepticism of her he stands by her side

In the last moments of the film he says:
"As a person of faith I am bound by a different covenant from Dr. Arrowway
But our goal is one in the same, the pursuit of truth
I for one believe her"

And there it is
The entire world stands against her
and this one person stands up and to the world says
I support her.

This is love and for Hollywood a very surprising truth of it
Love is support, in all circumstances for the person you love
Love is supported by truth and communication
It is a two way street

I believe in love
the same way some people believe in gods
When I give it
I don't hold back
I have met no one who understands this
and no one who believes it too

I find this disturbingly humorous
because we long for it, we seek it, we write
films, poems, stories, songs, paintings and other arts about it
We have it at the foundation of so much
and yet we never give ourselves the opportunity to accept it into our own lives
because we succumb to the pressures of the social conditions we as a globe provide

I query
When will we realize that our goals in life are simple? To live in happiness
by sharing all that we have within ourselves and not that which is outside of us!

Delightfully bad

2010-03-06T21:09:00.001-05:00

Today I had but a short while for a snack before work
I reached into my pocket and had but a short budget
I was in the mall and saw the food court
Quick and easy, not so healthy but easy
I saw the sign for the 3.99 special
and I walked up to the counter and ordered
KFC

Oh so wrong and oh so right.
Not done that in years.

Writing

2010-03-05T23:40:00.002-05:00

It has been some time since I truly wrote
So much has happened
Tonight I feel like just putting stuff down
I don't think anyone reads this anymore
But that is okay, if you do then feel free to comment

I have been realizing lately that my life is pretty good
I would like to share it with someone who simply put
accepts me for exactly who I am and what monetary status I exist at
if I was sharing my life with someone like this life would be perfect
I recognize that I am still sad because I thought I had this person
but well... there is a lot of posts expressing how I didn't

In realizing this I see that I am getting closer to simply accepting
This is my life, in all its glory
Tonight I went out and did some things I wanted
By myself
I realized that being alone allows me to live according to my means without pressure
and as each day goes past I slowly remove the barriers I see as hindrances
I think by the time my heart says it will allow someone in that close again
those barriers will have naturally gone away

We will see
I still hurt
I still miss
I still wish and hope sometimes
Love is a strange thing
I gave it fully and was returned nothing
not even respect as a human in the end
I wish I had done something horrible so I could say I deserve it
Oh well
So we live
So we learn
So our heart hurts
So our heart heals

Falling

2010-03-04T00:05:00.001-05:00

We all fall down
What's important is how we get up.

I thought of this today and realized its truth
Regardless of looming hurts, past hurts, perceived etc
We are all the same in this one thing
Sooner or later we fall.
Getting up is what sets us apart

I wish I didn't hurt, still from these wounds
But I am standing now

February

2010-02-22T23:43:00.002-05:00

The month is almost over.
It has been a while since I posted.
Things are better.
I still have flashes and wish I didn't
I look back and since nothing makes any sense
I feel forced to find all that was wrong
Look at things in a different light
Since you chose to simply disappear without a word
To view it as if it is all a lie
It must have been since you didn't even live up to the basic respect
You said that you offer everyone

36

2010-01-19T22:49:00.002-05:00

The year is no different than any other
Things have changed from what I wanted/imagined
I am single
A year older
Living in Canada
Not married
Without a full time job
Living in a room vs a house
In debt

But for all of that I have survived
I have friends and family
Those who support
My dream feels a bit closer than ever
Money is present

So for all that feels like I could be shut down
I move forward
For this is life

Trust

2010-01-15T16:52:00.003-05:00

I want to trust you
to that last element that forces us to connect
I wish we were not forced to connect but chose to
but you have in silence made it clear that you don't care period
so now I sit tensely thinking that so much of my future
is determined by your action
all this because I chose to trust you in the first place
and now I hope that you retain your trustworthiness in this manner
but as the day draws nearer I am reminded that in all other matters
you lied about your trust and feelings to me
I hope you prove to be the person I knew at least in one manner

I can't believe

2010-01-12T21:43:00.002-05:00

That I am still effected by this
eight months
this is absolute sillyness
I think in the end some respect would be nice
but that would be too much to ask
I wonder truly how people work
how they change and become people we don't know

A year in Review

2009-12-31T18:53:00.003-05:00

Well 35/2009 not so hot

Spent the first part of the year on a ship
Working to get to the love of my life
and develop a level of stability so I was not a reminder of her past

Spent the mid part of the year living with the love of my life
Watching as she slowly retreated and blaming it on the wrong things that I could do nothing about

Spent the middle of the year
Discovering the real reasons love of life was pulling away

Spent the later part of the year
Working to solve the differences between us
Worked really hard on it, because I wanted to
and because she said she did also

Spent the last few weeks accepting she lied
and the last year of my life was well
bulls*&t.

So much for the love of my life and true love
Lied to again

Maybe next year will be better
Really nothing worse can happen than finishing the year
with an ex-fiancee.

A Mess

2009-12-28T10:04:00.002-05:00

So my heart and mind don't correspond
I understand intellectually everything
Emotionally I still hope for a response

I move forward intellectually
Action to show I am doing
But my heart still stays behind

I am clear that I have no bearing
So I wonder why I wish I did

The strongest action is to let go everywhere
Yet these seems like an impossible step
I intellectually know this is better for me
Emotionally I am afraid to let go

Christmas

2009-12-24T01:02:00.002-05:00

Going through my traditions
Alone
Feeling very acutely your absence
But learning to do it all alone
Again
For your words were none you lived by

For Me!

2009-12-22T05:16:00.003-05:00

These blogs are mine
I may have one or two out there who read them
Not sure but these really are for me.

In that vein I continue to write these sappy things
Knowing that they offer me what they do
It is a good thing

My mind seems stuck
On the past
Not quite true
There is a small piece
Still stuck there
A smidgen in my mind that does not want to let go

I do not understand why
Yes it was good
But things can be better
So why hold onto days gone by?

I am not sure
I am glad it is only a smidgen
For originally it was all
With that said
For my Christmas wish
I ask that I give myself
Freedom to let everything truly go

Another Dream

2009-12-21T10:37:00.002-05:00

I would laugh to discover one day that you read these still
That would be hilarious
That the joining of us comes from these cryptic thoughts in my head
I know it not to be true but it made me laugh
Just like the dream

I awake and walk across my room
It is the dead of night 3:15 and my computer is on
I stumble to it as I feel a great calling for me/help
I look on the computer knowing there will be nothing

In my inbox, to my surprise is a number of mails
I scan them for your name
As I figured you are not there
But wait another mail with a name close to yours
And yours buried beneath

I open it
It is a photo collage of me
Moments in time where you took pictures without my knowing
All strung together in a digital slideshow
Something to say you have been thinking of me but did not know how to say it
Now showing you care, how much I am a part of you
You finish the mail with a simple note

So you know I still care
For your pleasure to see
In the meantime just...
phone
or email.

True to form and all that you are
I smile and cry
for I do not have your phone number
You have taken communication away from us
and like all other times
this is just part of your game
to hurt me

Love Actually

2009-12-20T22:45:00.001-05:00

Just finished watching this movie once again
What a great film
It makes me think of all aspects of love
How I will find them all again
Leave you behind who do not work to be with me

Love is all around us
We just need to see it and actualize who we want it with

Confirmations and signs

2009-12-18T19:21:00.003-05:00

Each and every day I have seen signs that say "yes" to my question of us
I wondered if I was seeking them just to set my mind at ease and so I was/am
I know somewhere inside that the truth is we are done
But still hard to accept that
No communication to express it and just stepping forward on assumption
Scary

But today I spoke to a good friend
An intuitive and spiritual friend
I looked to her for some soul advice
Without hesitation she agreed

Letting you go is loving,
An expression of who I am, of who I offered and what I am truly about
Letting you be to do your thing without animosity characterizes all that I am
It is also the truth of love
Fear is holding on, love is letting go

I know it inside and have been taking steps forward
Bigger today than yesterday and days previous
but still small by so many standards
It will take time

No one will ever be you
But one day someone will be the one
You will always be given a special place
With openness to hear you forever

Holidays and growth

2009-12-18T19:17:00.002-05:00

Each day I am going through my personal Christmas traditions
Each day you pop into my head and I think I wish I was sharing with you
But I know that it is not to be
I find that it takes time to get through all of this hurt
Unintentional but it comes through nonetheless

I hoped and hoped that you were the final one I would have to seek with
That this Christmas was going to be the first one where I started sharing
Sharing with the one whom would be with me forever
Knowing on the inside that this is not to be makes Christmas more difficult to approach
But it is what it is

All things come and go, even love
Love leaving is indication it is not a pure love, but possibly only a great love

Not You

2009-12-11T10:50:00.002-05:00

Lying here
She is not you.

That is that simple
I am still effected that much
I am not sure how to move forward
I have taken affirmative self action
Dug into my soul
As each day goes by I realize
How much I desire life with you

I have worked to solve the problem
I have done all I can
I don not understand why I am so effected
I do know that moving forward is all that is left
For I am not stupid and finally choose to see what is obvious
It does not mean the mind and heart are one

Sad

2009-11-13T01:26:00.001-05:00

Went out tonight
Someone asked me out
Sure, I said
Spent the whole time just enjoying conversation
But in the back of my mind I wished it was you
Very sad
Obviously not ready yet
You affected me that much
Super very sad.

Aftermath

2009-11-11T23:21:00.002-05:00

So much time has gone by
You said so many things
Followed through on nothing
Allowed yourself to become common
and abandoned me

I only asked for the respect of a parting goodbye
and gave you everything in order to get there
Sad

Tired

2009-11-05T23:35:00.001-05:00

of doing it alone
with no follow through from you
takes me way to long to accept
because I am a fighter
but I cannot fight anymore
I send infinite love and gratitude
for the time spent
thank you

Not

2009-10-24T09:23:00.002-04:00

getting what I want from anywhere
I create my own life
so it comes time to start cutting what is not helping

Blogging

2009-10-21T22:40:00.003-04:00

I started this to let off some of the wierd thoughts in my head
It felt good just to put them out there and have potential for someone to maybe gain some perspective

For the past bit they changed quite a bit
I have had such a wonderful, sad, joyful, hurtful experience with you

Nonetheless,
it would be nice to know if it was read by anyone
A comment of some form
anything

but then again who really wants to read sappy shit
at least I get it out of my head
but it is losing its intrigue

I would rather just be able to talk to the right person

Progress?

2009-10-21T17:19:00.002-04:00

So I have an understanding with my self
It is an understanding that I know what I want
It is an understanding of a time line and how to achieve
My wants are still out there by many standards

The first is my acting
I recognize what it means to equal success here
I recognize what I need to do
I recognize the challenge
I recognize my limitors and not sure how to overcome them
They are not in my direct power
But I am taking steps and going to figure it out
I have four years

The first is you
Sort of
With so much distance emotionally
I don't really know you anymore
Not sure if you are willing to let me in
You seem to be starting in fits and spurts
And honestly that is not what I want
I want your trust and I want the giving you back
I have a little bit of patience left
Given all we went through, thereby not expecting everything immediately

Most of all though is wanting a life with you
Even when acting done or going forever, I want to share it with you
The two things can happen together, me and you

The two wants are now equally precarious
Because although there is progress and you seem to be sharing now
Well there is no idea or suggestion of you tomorrow
Just like acting
I book a big gig today
I may never book one again.

I guess I am realizing that there is progress on both fronts
But neither offers any certainty
I want certainty from you, or at least the knowledge of what you are consciously working towards
When we first met, there was no gaurantee, but at least then I knew you were falling in love and wanted to be loved back
With a hope in your heart that we would have each other forever

Now you could be plotting my death, your walls are that thick
Knock, Knock

Expressing

2009-10-18T23:40:00.002-04:00

I want to write something
but I don't know what to write
communication is happening it seems
I am elated, joyful and happy
I would love to talk to discover to hear to listen

I am equally trepidatious
will action follow words
is this just communication with no outcome
will I be left hanging
this is fear of hurt and pain

I have felt both
I prefer the first
I guess I have written

Dreams

2009-10-17T09:28:00.001-04:00

Hi
In my dreams again last night
Do me a favor
Be clear about what you are telling me
or at least get naked

Favorite Place

2009-10-17T09:27:00.001-04:00

In the whole world
Is standing in the shower
Underneath that warm running water
So revitalizing and soothing and relaxing
Heaven is a shower that lasts for infinity

Missing

2009-10-16T22:51:00.002-04:00

You.

Yes you.

You know who you are.

You are missed.

Each day I think of at least one thing I want to share
but there is so much more.

Each day I think of how I would like to be doing something with you
but there is so much more

Right now I just want to hold you and talk
feel your heart and your breath
touch your skin and hear your voice

I want to watch us grow old

Am I silly, stupid, ridiculous for thinking this?
I don't know
but it is how I feel

The Coffee Pub

2009-10-16T22:48:00.002-04:00

I want to open a coffee pub
a small place that serves really good coffee
and nice pastries to go with it

Along with it will be a small selection of micro brew specialty beers
finger foods apps, like bruschetta to go with it

each table area will be reminiscent of chairs around a fireplace
the music will always be like Otis Redding or Al Green
and it will never be loud enough that people have to shout to be heard

night or day you can get your fix and a bite to eat
this is my dream

Trying

2009-10-10T22:22:00.002-04:00

I give all I have
Right from the beginning
Without fail
Was shut down twice
Still gave all I had
Found even more to give
When do I stop trying
When do I stop giving
The second I realize that I get nothing back
and what I offer is no longer on equal terms

That return
That equality
Is what makes someone special
And until you I believed it could not be found
Day by day my belief slips away

I am good alone
But lets be honest
My life without you
Is meaningless and chaotic
Everything else I say to myself is a lie
Just to cope with constant sadness

Whatever works
Numb pain

What now?

2009-10-07T00:39:00.002-04:00

I am a little annoyed with myself
Because I am not ready to move on
Each time I talk to another one I am wishing for you
Each day another something reminds me of all that I did with you
All that I want to do with you
I love you/loved you/ something anything

The point is that you have not demonstrated even any care for me since you said we should talk
And well that should be enough for me to say goodbye
Yet somehow we are still connected
I want to see this go all the way,
Where ever that is.

See I know I meant the words I said
I wanted exactly what I asked you for
I just had to go through some of the tuff stuff to get to it fully
I thought as I did you would be there with me, that was what we said
I learned from you and worked to solve the things that bothered you
In turn bothering me
But by the time you shared and expressed fully you were already writing me off

So now all this time is passed
I stand here with egg on my face
Not wanting to move forward because I still care and want to nourish the care
While you still don't even know what you want
These two facts bother me,
They don't coincide with anything meaningful

Conversation
That is a good start
I offered you patience originally
When you held your secret from me
The one that helped to crush us
Told you no matter what I would be here for you
And I still am
Even when I am hurting I keep making offers and apologies to you
So I accept your conversation and realize
It is all about patience

In the end if our connection means nothing
Then nothing will have changed from this moment
In the end if our connection means something
Then you will see me for all that I am
Nuff said
You don't see me for all that I am or else
I would not be wondering what happened since you said lets solve this and work on it

Annoyed

2009-10-05T18:07:00.002-04:00

It was not the email I wanted to send
It was not the phone call I want to have
I get annoyed when circumstances outside of me
help to dictate my action

All I want is to talk, communicate, enjoy
I have no idea what you want, I just don't know
I don't want these outside circumstances to influence
what has recently happened between us

I feel sick
I feel shut down
All I can think of is it impact on you
But I don't think you care

October 3, 2009

2009-10-03T18:07:00.003-04:00

The time is now 6:07pm.

At 2:00pm today I was to be married to the most wonderful girl in the world.
I still feel that way, but she is lost and hurting and does not know what she wants.
I am still hear for her, if she wants, but she has to act on that, I will never force.

It stings but it is life.
I am not married, nor fully happy, but I move forward for that is what I have left

I celebrated
I bought a meditation cushion
To help me get closer to my spiritual side

Talking

2009-10-01T17:32:00.002-04:00

Is it possible to just talk?
Or does the past cover leave to many unanswered questions
to allow us to talk freely?

I think we can talk freely
It is possible
I think that basic questions about the past need to be laid to rest before we begin

the potential of the future is amazing
if we have just a glimmer of an idea of where it is going
it does not matter its outcome
but the idea to at least be at the same start line for this race
i think is a smart one.

Journey

2009-09-28T02:00:00.002-04:00

as my journey continues
I get further and further away from my life goals
not in the way you would think
I am not losing track of what I needed
rather I am gaining insight into what I want

life goals, of monetary stability and success
still have value
but they no longer dominate my mind
I see clearer that my soul wants satisfaction
that it wants to sing a life well lived

I can do that alone and will if necessary
but as I sit here tonight
doing something so simple as watching a moving film
my soul cries out for the special someone to share it with

I believe I know who she is
the journey to her is worth it
if that path is already lost
then the lessons learned that help me to my clarity
are invaluable as they are and alone I shall tread my path

One Million Ways

2009-09-27T22:07:00.002-04:00

that I have thought about hearing your voice
that I have thought about seeing you
that I have thought about touching you
that I have thought about leaving you
that I have thought about erasing you
that I have thought...

any interaction or lack thereof has been thought about
infinite times

I never thought I would hear your voice
or experience a kind word from you again

yet for all of that I hold no animosity
and I am open to you
I realize that ... well I just realize that you are special.

it seems almost unbelievable
that we will talk soon
the moment is upon us

in this moment I realize
in all the ways and scenarios I have thought of
none of them could be this or anything
for the only thing it could be is the reality it will be
when we actually communicate

i have no idea what it is to be
i have no expectation
i have no need of the past
i don't know the future
i only care about the moment

because living, real, moments with you is all i want
for you are special

Anxiouss

2009-09-25T10:58:00.002-04:00

Today I am feeling anxious.
I am very full of abundance
Money has been rolling in
Friends abound
Good home
Today as I look forward
the money is not as evident
the work seems not on the horizon
There are always ups and downs
Today is a day where the nerves kick in
It is an opportunity to truly face my new mindset and get past this
I take a deep breath and will require some meditating

Growth

2009-09-24T00:28:00.004-04:00

Exponential growth
I found a book which connected my dots
Showed me the path that I want to be on
Adds to my gained knowledge and hurts from the recent trauma
Made crystal that which was already clear
Showed me its outcome is not what is valuable
For the tangible action is simply an expression of where I need to be
I enjoy this opportunity
It brings me closer to you
It gives me understanding
It allows me offerings
If you accept them
The world will be as it is
I will share it with you
If you let the offers go
The world will be as it is
I will share it without you

When Harry Met Sally

2009-09-24T00:23:00.002-04:00

I watched this wonderful movie for the millionth time tonight
I truly do love it
But a thought came to me tonight
Harry really is quite pessimistic
But his ideas of heterosexual relationships is pretty bang on
Kinda scary
If he is right then well what does that say about us?
Given everything I learned from my past relationship
All the work I put in to understand her side
I again realize further how my actions can hurt
and it inspires me to continue changing and holding to these new ideals
so as to truly learn from my actions and better myself
Its result when I share again it will be wonderful and more yet than the last
maybe the last will simply benefit from it as we grow

Hello again

2009-09-24T00:21:00.002-04:00

Dear Blog,

I am sorry to have neglected you and those who may read you
It has been an interesting period of time
Not sure of how to put myself out there what to say
So much has changed
I wonder sometimes if anyone reads this
Or if it is just for me
For those who have been invited to see this blog
For those who may have discovered it
Feel free to comment here or at my personal email
I put this all out there for ... it is what it is

Clarity

2009-09-04T23:13:00.002-04:00

Three months have gone by since you walked away from me
Told me that you wanted to solve and like the other one
Lied, did nothing to communicate, disappeared on me

I hold no judgement on that and I am not angry
I have nothing but love for you and will until I die
Before you disappeared you asked of me something
hoped for me/us

I hope your return home gives you clarity

It has
Not only in the return home
Not only in your absence when I thought we had a future
But in the time where I worked and communicated
In the time where I put in my all to help solve us

I gained clarity of what I want
How I want it
What the long term is
What I am willing to take
What I am willing to do
Greater focus of my spirituality
Greater everything

These are conversations I want with you
You have disappeared and are no where to be found
I hope you are well

Bohemeth

2009-08-26T00:00:00.001-04:00

220 Feet in the air
Dropping at 125km/h
One of the biggest coasters in the world
It was fun
Wild Beast
Classic wood and shaky
Still more fun to me.

Afraid

2009-08-07T11:41:00.004-04:00

I had a dream last night
First one I remembered in months, well since you
The dream scared me really scared me
I realize I had everything
I had a beautiful woman
In soul and body
Someone who I loved
Someone who for a period of time loved me
I gave you everything
Did everything with the intention of love and nothing more
I was not enough for you as a person
I was not enough for you as a monetary life
I was not enough for you in love
I was not enough for you

The dream scared me and I realized
I no longer want to be an artist
I want to be in the corporate world
I want and have wanted for so long
My life with you
Where did you go?
Why did you not want to work beyond the hurt?
Why did you not want to love?

I wish you would talk to me

Lessons

2009-08-03T11:41:00.002-04:00

I am sad at times
For I have lost someone amazing
I wanted my life with you
But in all this I have learned

I learned how to love
that is a wonderful gift
Giving fully without reservation
Knowing all my actions and offers were done with you in mind
I am happy for that

I have also learned
You lied
You said you trusted when you did not
You said you wanted to work and solve when you did not
You said you loved when you did not

I cannot convince you to love
Nor force you to see anything different than you do
Until you are to choose to see beyond those three things
I will always be a bad guy for and to you
There is no hope if you want me to be the enemy
So I have learned to accept

What remains is me
and the focus must leave us and you
and become me
for all that is left is me being happy

I wish my happy was with you
I took those dreams away when I tried to protect (a lie to you)
I took those dreams away when I offered what I didn't know
I took those dreams away through ignorance which you pulled me from

I worked to solve all of that, I held to my love
I am happy for that and joyful
You took away our dreams when you lied
and never worked to solve

I have also learned no matter how painful
The truth is better, it is less painful than the lie in the end

A Psychic Memory

2009-08-01T11:37:00.004-04:00

I saw a "psychic" not too long before I left for the cruise
I never told you this but this is what she said

You will travel by water (I did not know about the cruise at this time)
You will make/earn lots of money (I was broke)
You will meet the woman of your dreams/marry her (I was single, without hope)

The universe hands me many things
This is how I, in addition to all the reality of us, know that we are meant for each other
You said I was the one, I said the same, reality says other wise
Two of three, pretty impressive, three if you count the proposal
I am left to wonder...

What does the universe bring, how does it all wrap together
Hopeless Romantic has ideas
Realist has ideas also

Live by the realist let the romantic surprise me

Happiness

2009-08-01T11:12:00.003-04:00

I realize that I simply want to be happy
Nothing more than that
Two days ago my future wife walked away from me
Told me she could not overcome our obstacles
The rollercoaster stopped and she got off

I believe she is afraid of facing something real with me
That what we have is true and it is overwhelming
That we can solve and become amazing
Amazing is a scary place if you are not ready for it

In seeing this I realized that she walked away
Regardless of if I am right or wrong
She walked away and I cannot fight or force her to love
So...I am left alone

I know what I want now
Happiness comes by accepting
I want a creative life
Which I have, and can continue to grow
I want a partner who loves me and is willing to overcome challenges
To grow in the face of ignorance and mistakes
To make us better by communication and trust
This will come in time by simply being

Last I learned something wonderful
I learned how to love
I gave my ex everything possible
I got rid of all my safety nets
I learned how to give of myself fully and truly
Right up to the last I continued to give without reservation or expectation
I loved, truly

I have been given a gift
And when it comes time to share it
It will be wonderful

I can still say that I love her, for that feeling does not go away
It gives me the strength to always be open to her
To never shut her out, to always listen and be willing to hear
To in that moment be feeling without resentment and interact fully truthfully
Maybe the universe will keep us in one way or another...The universe will let us know
But I know that this love can be placed in a special place
So that I can open to another
Soon, very soon
For today I am alone
There is no point holding onto someone who does not want holding
For that will only close me to the future
Thank you

The Close

2009-07-31T02:36:00.002-04:00

You are welcome to read this
I never asked you to stop and won't
The thought came to me that you might read it
Should I censor? should I hold back?

The thought lasted only a minute
I have never held back with you
I have always given you my all
This is no time to stop

If you choose to read and are affected
Then you do
You may hate me
You may love me
you may be inspired to respond
or use it as fodder to laugh at me
or fuel your anger
or maybe to forgive me
Regardless of what it does
I will not hold back

I know that love is a two way street
that I cannot convince you to love me
that if you are not willing to work and fight
then it is all pointless

I take a deep breath
I accept you have stopped thinking of me as a love
You asked what I want
I want you
For I love you, I am in love with you, I want you and I need you in my life.

These words have always been a truth to me
I never said them without intention of keeping them with you till my death
So even though we come to a close because you cannot live and feel by what you once said
I take a look at all the hurts on both sides
I breathe
I feel love
I choose to forgive and work
and I know we can get past them

We come to a close for you do not want to work that way today
I must move forward
My heart, my words my soul remain open to you
For I am in love with you

Waking Up

2009-07-23T08:05:00.002-04:00

As each day goes by you hurt me more
I only had one simple request
That if you knew to tell me
Please don't drag me along
I said
I have been here before it is better to just do what is necessary
You agreed, you said you don't play games,
and you again so many times stated I am not a mean person

I wonder when you will stop playing games
I wonder when you will stop dragging me along
I wonder where you are, you were not a mean person

Your ex did worse to you than I and he is treated better
I did everything for you in action to show love

The sad thing about this
I still love you
I said the words because I knew my emotions stood by them
That I would not back down from them
Almost two months without a peep from you
I am still fighting
My final act giving you space

Inside I know the feeling, love
Being with people but feeling alone because I want them to be you
Not being open to anyone but you
Still desiring only you
Wishing you were here, wanting to talk to you

Stop hurting me, stop playing games
I know to it is time for me to stop letting you do so
Each day I close up that much more
Each day my smile is for me and my sadness gone for you
I never wanted to end

Each morning I wake up with you
Just like I used to
The only thing I want in my life
Is to wake up each morning and kiss your smiling beautiful face

Time

2009-07-23T01:12:00.002-04:00

it is time
to walk away
I don't want to
but...
I take a really deep breath
beginning to move
I know I am still open
but I don't hold my breath for you
you don't care
have shown no signs of respect
no less love
it is time
hope and trust are broken
words useless but proven lies remain
I wonder
will you call, and offer some respect
I doubt it but I hope
at least for that little thing

Phone

2009-07-23T00:25:00.002-04:00

12:01 am
Phone rings
Two times, not enough to get to it
Hope that it was you
Wish it was
But know inside it was not
To little communication
To little effort for it to be
Probably a wrong number
But I still hope
For I am open
I am willing
I am in ....

The Actor

2009-07-22T17:01:00.003-04:00

Sitting in a coffee shop getting notes from my director
I smile as I realize I am an artist
Successful or otherwise it is who I am
It helps to define my character

My zest for life, to not get stuck
My zaniness, my gaiety, my bounce
My ability to listen, to care, to love
Being in touch with my own feelings
Philosophy and idealism
Are all things informed by my artist, me.

These great qualities lead me on a voyage
That not to long ago introduced me to the love of my life
Unfortunately that artist who makes me desirable also leaves me undesirable

She has left me
Alone
beyond an initial desire to work and solve our bump in the road
she has left me with no communication, no respect, no care regarding us in anyway
I know she faces much, but this does not excuse cutting me out and cutting me in this way

As I think about it more and more I realize my artist helps inform these actions
My instability, my less masculine side, my inability to just take the reigns,
My lack of money, and potential weakness
My artist teaches me to question everything so that in my emotions I am always true
It teaches me to challenge myself so that I give all of me without reserve
all this informed by my artist
All things that when in a time of difficulty can easily lead one away from me

I am alone, I am afraid
We used to promise that we would not lose each other
That this was forever
We agreed to marry
But on the drop of a dime this all changed
I was without knowledge that it even was brewing

My fears have all come true in a matter of weeks
and all I can think now is that myself
This time while I challenged my emotions and sought to give my all
I was scaring her away
My action to get closer forced her to run

It is tragically ironic
If I were not this artist
I would never have met her
I would not have been where I was physically to meet her
Nor would I have the skills to draw her in
But at the same time the artist seems to have a quality that fulfills needs
I do what most other men do not, in my listening, my trusting, my feeling side
My caring aspect of love
But once that is used and I help to see brighter skies
I am useless, my caring comforting artist is no longer needed
So I am set to pasture
So if I were not this artist I would be like most other men
And I would be in this relationship still
A double edged sword

I recognize that I am who I am
That not only my artist informs all in my relationships
There are other aspects of me
But this is my biggest strongest side
It informs the most
Without it I would truly be a different person

So as I sit in the coffee shop alone after notes
a tear runs down my face
I am an actor
It leads me to so many wonderful places
It is all I have left
For it not only draws everyone in
But it forces them away

Mystery

2009-07-22T08:04:00.002-04:00

Sitting at home
Alone waiting wondering when the call will come,
If the call will come

I wonder what makes it so difficult
By now you know how you feel
So call and tell me get it solved
For keeping me in limbo is just mean
It is selfish and it is inconsiderate

I wonder if it is possible
To be debating to be torn to be confused after all this
For me not possible but maybe for you
So call and let me know
Share and talk
For keeping me in limbo is just mean
It is selfish it is inconsiderate

You said you are not mean
But everything in the last while has been
Your character has changed and all that you were
I don't know
You are cruel and heartless
Full of lies and deciet

I wonder what do you get out of hurting me
I can see no value
It wastes time in life
I think regardless of where you are at
It is time
Stop being mean long enough to call
And offer some respect to the time we shared
For it was valuable

I cry for after all of that I still have some hope
and wish I did not

Silence

2009-07-21T21:45:00.002-04:00

"Silence is never a good thing"

You said that once.
When I took over two hours to respond to an email while I was working on a conference call
Well almost two months have gone by and you have not said a thing

I can guess that this is really bad
I don't really guess anymore
I just assume
It seems pretty obvious

But why hold off
Why not just face it
Why not just say what is on your mind?

I don't have answers
But since I know what I want I can't make that call
You know what I want
You know how I feel

Action has demonstrated it for over a year and a half
Asking for your hand for eternity
I thought that might do it
Oops, silly me

Silence, never a good thing
Especially when that much is involved

Trust

2009-07-21T09:06:00.002-04:00

gave everything
loved like never before
learned lessons from the past errors

it would seem that these are the steps
one would take to get to better healthier relationships
in my case they were the steps to get me to the worst

I have never been treated so poorly or with as much malisciousness
as I face now
I don't understand how that works
the build up to this was the best ever
I never thought I would be here
so broken
but as we approached I could never have
imagined it would get ugly
lesson learned
do not trust

Loving

2009-07-20T09:04:00.002-04:00

There have been a few times in my life
That I have used the words I Love You
This last time was is for me
No other beyond compare
No want to compare

Of all the ways things happen
This finale has been the worst
Playing on my life's greatest fear
Silence and the growing evidence
That I was never wanted but needed

But I geuss we just have to take life for what it is
The sad part for me
Because I truly love I am still open and willing to work
That because I meant everything I said and stand by my actions
I want to solve and grow with the one I love

Sad to feel like the only person who gives and means it
But I learned something
I learned a new level of hurt
One that teaches me I don't want to do this again
I have loved and lost
I can feel me shutting down to never hurt like this again
Sad still open when I shut down never again

The epitome

2009-07-17T00:46:00.002-04:00

We joked about me booking a gig that would solve our financial struggle

Well today I did

The biggest day of my entire career

No more financial struggles for us

But you are not here

I don't know if you ever will be

I went to celebrate

Called two close friends

Both sick in bed

I went alone

As I lifted my celebratory drink

Without the one person who I want to celebrate with

I look up to the big screen

An orange paw, on a purple and orange jersey

Not yours but really close

A universal slap

It cuts to commercial

Harry Potter opens today

I am not there to see it with you

I cheers myself

Alone in the bar

Celebrating a life victory

Alone in a bar

All around me are reminders of you

But you are not here

There is no indication that you would want to be

I take my first sip

Alone in a bar

I am tired of facing it alone

Good or bad

But I will

For I have nothing left

Just me

Alone in a bar

On the most influential day of my life

Repeating History

2009-07-17T00:38:00.002-04:00

Twelve years ago

Almost to the day

I felt I had lost everything

I reached a life crisis

My love and I were separated by great distance

Due to a new job

She sounded so emotionally distant

I did not understand the path I was on

It sent me into a downward spiral

For about three weeks

When I came to I regained my clarity

Rushing home to reclaim myself and my love

She was not there

Emotionally sliding

She said we could fix

But never intended to do so

Three weeks later

Broken and crushed

I moved to the city

She never knew I thought of marriage

With nothing left

I threw myself at my work

Things looked good for a while

I booked

Twelve years later

I face a life crisis

My love and I are separated by distance

She already agreed to marry me

The life confusion sent me into a downward spiral

That lasted about three weeks

When I came to I had my clarity

But my love was gone

She said we should fix it

But has not shown the effort

I have lost my hope

Without hope I have nothing

With nothing left to lose

I threw myself at my work

Things seem good

I am booking

As future becomes present and present becomes past

I will no longer include love in the equation

For this repeat of history has just about destroyed me

A third time will kill me

Ahhhh...

2009-07-14T21:12:00.001-04:00

So the realizations are hitting faster and harder

I don't want them to

I am not ready

But I know the truth

It takes two

Always two

Never just one

Tired

2009-07-12T23:16:00.003-04:00

I am tired

Most of my mature life I have sought valuable relationship

In contrast to the world around me

I have always wanted a stable partner

Some one person to share my experiences with

I wanted it so bad as a youth

I would allow sex to confuse me

I would cling to anything to think that this could be it

As I matured I learned better

I spent a long time breaking down my habits

To stop lying to myself to be aware to choose wisely

Along the way I learned that I am a good person

That I am also a helpful and insightful person

My skills can clear problems with my level head

And clear mind

In seeing this while breaking my habits

I learned that in the past women used that good person

To spring board past problems and once used discarded me

I set out to find one person different from all of this

One person who would not use me as a stepping stone

But I believed it no longer possible

That my age, my knowledge of people, the reality of the world

That this one woman did not exist

I found her accidentally

She claimed that from the second she saw me she knew

Forever

She demonstrated and fulfilled these words

Did everything different than the past

Proved it was possible

In the words love

At least to me

I believe that two people work together

That no matter how hard the challenge

They work as one to overcome

Meeting half way to solve

In solving grow and make better

The two and the one

We hit a big problem

We faced it and agreed it was set to rest

It was not, at least for her,

It was hidden from me

It was a lie that we were fine

In the lie so happened the regression

and bit by bit those demonstrations of perfection

became like all the past

I trusted against this that it could not happen

But as we faced that challenge once again

All the words have been just that

Words

There has been no action to support

The past has taught me no action to me

Equals action to the self and growth without me

Leaving me used and discarded

I sit alone tonight

Hearing words

Wishing I was wrong

Praying I am incorrect

Crying that I found one person who gives like me

Stands by her words

Acts for the two

But the lack of action speaks louder than words

and I am left crying alone

Alone I face the world

and slowly I accept my dream of a partner

is but a pipe dream

I will face the world alone

I no longer feel I am of value to anyone

At least not of value worth keeping

I am tired of being discarded and no longer want to give

To discover I am useful only for one thing

That is not value to me

I will face alone

I find solace in knowing I have not given falsely

That I did not seek to hurt

That my indiscretions were done accidentally

And came from good intentions logic - ed out wrong

That in facing it alone

At least I did not accidentally bring someone along for too long

Get to embroiled and have a past broken home

Subtle solace but solace nonetheless

Unfortunate that I am not wrong in what I see

I wish I was

I would have value then

I would believe that someone else is like me

A Spark

2009-07-12T10:16:00.000-04:00

Two years ago a fire was extinguished as a career felt its close
Eight months later the spark that was left found hope
As it moved onto something fun and a flame ignited
Two months later the spark found love and a fire burned
Two years later the fire was extinguished when communication was taken away from it
Leaving only a glowing ember
Two days ago the ember burned out when trust was broken