Lifted W(eigh)aits

I notice in the past few weeks since contact
That my shoulders sit lower
The pain in my low back has subsided
I sleep better and so on.

I am able to look at her in a different light
See forward progression and give a bit more
There is no more skeleton standing in my closet
It is dealt with

This means I can look at the space in this moment
And those moving forward
Without weight on my shoulders
And claim it.

I don't have to look backwards and hope that one day will come.
One day does come but it is on a new road.
There are still hurts
But they are easier to let go
In order to make new joys with someone new
With myself

I wish I did not focus so much on the past
but I do
That moment is complete for me now
The wait is over
The weight is lifted
and now we see what the future moments hold

Redemption?

So time has gone by
almost two years
You finally contacted me
Some civil emails regarding money
An agreement made
and come the new month payments to follow

After all that was put in
time across countries
opening of hearts and minds
all that remains is a few payments

What a fucked up world we live in
That two people willing to share their life together
Cannot find the decency to, at the least,
Express why it stopped working

I tried
No response
Time to move forward
Payments close the past
Truly it makes me sick

Transitions

So after almost two years you have contacted me.
Aside from the comment of feeling harassed it was a clear email
Clear in the way you once communicated with me
Straight forward, without doubt or question
Goals are clearly laid out and I know what to do with it

It of course deals with the money
Our final closure
It is a nice thing
A surprising weight feels as though it has been lifted

However, it leaves me with thoughts and question
It is obvious that you are now this clear (and this is known already)
That you have moved on, there is no need to banter or hide
There is a shift back to the clear headed you leaving me in the dust

But I question, where was this clarity when it all started to fall apart
Why could you not have expressed with clarity your confusion
and what you wanted to do about - even if that was to be left alone?
I question, why did you need to string me along?
Why not face the reality and share the truth?
Did you have to drag it out and hide?
Could we not have solved this so much earlier?

and so the questions go.
Answers never to come.
But at least I have the solace of this clearing up
A point of light at the end of a tunnel that says
"Very soon I will no longer need to question, the weight is gone!"

It is sad solace looking back on the fact that I wanted to marry you
But it is solace none the less.

Response?

I keep hoping for a response

I don't want to have to escalate

Hoping you can at least be civil

Then for all of that

Fear of moving on

Because I loved once

And got crushed

Just wish sometimes I could wake up

Realize it was a bad dream

Give you a kiss and make you cheese toast after taking dogs out

I know

You don't want that

Neither do I really

But it was nice

I hope you can come around to a civil place

So I don't have to escalate

The Letter

Today I sent the letter

A final piece that says all that remains is money

I knew this but putting action to things is another story

It hurts

I took a look at a photo of us from two years ago

How could I misjudge your character so much?

Apples

What makes it hard to post?

Your posts make me feel human

Not alone

So much time since you first commented on something I wrote

I think of you

I follow

I wonder if you are okay?

Do we heal?

Yes

We have to allow ourselves too.

A Good Day

I had the day off

Highly unusual

I planned to spend the day cooking one of my favorite meals

(it takes 7 hours plus prep to do it up right)

So last night I started the prep

Opened the wine

Rented the movies

You came over

And that is a good thing

We talked we watched we played

You went home and left me till supper

I got up early

began the cooking

I cleaned

I did homework (I drank)

I stretched and relaxed

You came over

We ate the feast

We watched movies

and you had to go

Coat on

Ready to leave

But you won't stop touching, playing

Then we are in my room

Clothes on the floor

And so it begins

You are not her

No one ever will be

I enjoy you

the haunting of the past left

but am I ready?

Haunting

You continue to haunt me

Show up in my mind regularly

I think it is tragic

But slowly bit by bit you influence me less

The last thing you did, I am aware of it, really turned me off

I am in the final state of action

I move forward

I see others now

Even had girlfriends

But I have not found the feeling I want

It is nice to spend time

To share

But it sits in the feeling that will solidify everything

It will be found?

On love

Just saw Barney's Version with Paul Giamatti,

My new favourite film

I am and always have been a romantic at heart

Someone who believes in love and all the trappings of it.

No I don't buy into Hollywood because they always paint a pretty picture

It is the stuff fairy tales are made of

and YES love should be like that but it is also routine, conflict, challenge,

The stuff that Hollywood does not show us

Every now and again I see a film that captures the true spirit of love in my mind

When Harry Met Sally was the first

Contact was the second

and now Barney's Version.

We see people work for it, find it, live it, and deal with it in all its forms

It is what I will one day share, I hope with someone

Barney says to his love

"I am just going to keep talking here because I am afraid if I stop, there will be that pause, that moment, the silence and you are going to say "it's getting late" or "I need to go" and I don't ever want that to happen, ever."

He turns to look at her, they stop, she replies

"There it is, that silence, I'm still here"

To have you still here, who ever you are, even after you see my worst

A dream, to dream beyond all dreams.

Emptiness

I did an audition tonight

It was a really good audition

I am being considered for a role

In a non-union/non-paying production

It is a prominent show and the role would be good on the resume

but it made me feel empty

I fell into a generation where talents were not recognized

where established individuals were doing entry level work

where a beginner had greater challenges standing out and building

As it goes I was good enough to get my union status

but not good enough to compete when I got them

so my resume still is unrecognized

and here I am fighting to get permission from the union

to do a non union show

so my resume will grow

and it will cost me time and money away from work to do it

disheartening

Apples

Where are you?

Where have you been?

How are you?

I wonder

Never knowing you

But thinking of you

Be safe.

Inner Tears

Just saw a movie called Defendor

Simple movie

Simple idea

A simple man who is mentally challenged or slow or not all there

Fantasizes and actualizes becoming super hero

Nothing special about him

He just dresses up and goes out to get bad guys

Because of his challenges his view on the world is different black and white

So he is set on one goal and only that goal

He falls in love and he has emotions

He gets hurt and he falls down

Can a simpleton save the world?

Or does it just take one man with the courage to stand up to another

Justly to start the chain of events that change our space?

It is not Hollywood in this movie and as it came to a close

I found myself with a tear on my cheek