Drunk

I just got home
Had one too many
With a good friend who gets closer everytime
I love him to death
He is talented,open and inspirational

In moments like this I miss so much of my life
I wish someone was here with me
To hold to touch to laugh to cry
missing sucks

I know I am good
But in moments like this
well
nuff said....

Single

It has been a while now that I am single
Yet it has not been until the past few days that I have really felt it
In so being I am enjoying having my own space
No commitments
No specific need to call anyone
Or confirm with anyone
It is just about me

I have not really felt lonely
I am okay being single
I think that as I go through these changes I will relish it even more
Finally taking myself to a place where I am truly comfortable with me
And then seeing what happens

I cannot do anything

I can't do anything right
If I stay you are mad
If I go away you are mad
Talking or lack of frustrates you
And now this

You said we were done
You said you did not want that from me
You said you did not want to share
You put up walls
You held back communication
I accepted
I begin to act
You hate me for it

Then why ask me to leave?

I have asked these questions before
They always plagued me
They create bitterness, hatred and walls

If only my actions were what you thought
Then at least there would be some sense to this hurt
You got what you wanted
That initially hurt
I dealt with that pain
And now you lash out and hurt me even more
because you got what you wanted

I cannot do anything right

Confusion

I do not understand
All the things we said, everything discussed
and in one moment taken the wrong way it is removed

I am being punished for heresay
I was told I had a friend
friends take the time to explain, to question and
most importantly to understand each other

I guess the things we say have no weight in the present
If they have no weight in the present then how could they in the past
because in the past were statements for the future
statements that said we will get there and it is exciting to get there

All taken away
I do not understand
Maybe I am one of few who holds true or at least honours my words
And gives credit if there is change
So that friends have a chance to understand, grow, accept

Late night again

We meet, old friends
Dinner still fresh in my belly
So I chat while he eats
I am so tired from the night before and the day of work
"Don't bail!"
"Where is this party?"

And so we adventure to the place
I am under the Bay Subway
I have always wanted to see this
Tired is true but this moment does not happen often
Live
I grab the red wine
We party with all the others
I step out of the stationary TTC car
"Hello"
"Um, hello"
"You are?"
And I wonder how?
"Walk with me"
And so we do
Just little circles around the platform
Our acquaintance feels to familiar
It feels nice
She smiles and giggles
I laugh
We walk, talk and mingle
It is a moment one worth enjoying
Time to go
And I wonder how?

Another night

We have dinner
The conversation is engaging
We have much in common
From different times in life
I understand her past
She my future
We can communicate and have fun
The time passes freely as we enjoy
There is no pressure here so we stay
We chat
Eventually time to go
We arrive at her car
We part with the knowledge of another night

How?

I am standing on the rooftop patio of an exclusive club
The veiw is stunning, truly one of the better in the city
She has invited me
So much inticement in her voice, her body
and I wonder how?

Five hours ago I stood outside
A place barred to those without a paper a pass
We wait, my ego sinks, if not in then I should be out
We wait, we move, we return
Someone knows someone
"I'm sorry sir, I had no idea of course"
The gates rise, I hold my pass, the rush comes

I move from place to place
I know these people
I talk, I laugh, I am enjoying this moment
"Excuse me, just want a glass of red"
"Can she have a glass of red"
"Of course sir"
"Thank you"

It is a moment
Time goes by
People leave
It is time to go
I turn around
"Thank you for the red"
"Your welcome"
"Are you coming with me?"

I wonder how as we exit?

Returned

So I have returned from Halifax
It has been two days and things have been a whirlwind
I have not had a chance to think until now

I am glad to have my own space
I do not need to answer or justify myself
To anyone any more
It was getting tiring trying to exist in a place where no matter what I did I was wrong
It made me feel guilty for being
Even though I should not

I held my tounge
There is/was no reason to point out everything
Why antagonize?
I know that many things came from stress and angst
Space was/is needed
It does not excuse or justify it just makes it an understood reaction
It created anger/hatred in the moment
I worked to not act on it

It would feel childish
I am glad I did not
That would have been hard/increasing tension
Pointless really in terms of growth
In reality I am sure I did my own half of this equally

With that said there were equally a number of great moments
Where my friend shined through
Those moments let me know that as time grows so will we
I think in the long run it is all good

Time is my gage now
I know who I am

Space

I need some space.
First of all I came to Halifax to do my show. As it turns out I also came to Halifax with my ex girlfriend/co-creator/friend. Not the way it was originally planned, but it is obvious that friends is a better place for us. The two weeks have been up and down, mostly up, and the last few days have greatly indicated that in the end our friendship has great possibilities and will most likely work. I honestly did not think that I would be able to write that three weeks ago, but the universe has interesting ways. So all in all that has been positive. With that said it is time for some space from each other so we can fully establish patterns as friends (we have been confined to each other as we know no one out here), time to get back to the real world and interact "normally".

Second, and this is what it really is about. I have been doing my thing for twenty years. As a catalyst to change, doing my show and breaking up were what I needed. I want and need to get away from everything that is familiar to me and spend some time alone. I was able to do it in short jaunts here and know that space alone facilitates me in personal comfort.

A friend implied that I was still trying to impress people and not being myself, thereby, blocking my potential in everything. Another friend commented on my performance, "you tend to build a house and say look what I did as compared to live in the house" These things I know as innately true and I accept them.

The change that exists is one that says I need time to "live in my (proverbial) house". I want to do that and experience that by leaving behind the familiar and going to do something unfamiliar. I want to travel by myself and see things I have never seen. In order to do this I need to change things now. I need to have the capital to spend five months on the road. So in seeking space, I want to get a job, that will allow me to do this. I want to step away from my current patterns and fulfill this path. Next year in July I want to start this new journey of travel.

I am open to any possibilities that will afford me this change.
So I put it out there to the universe,
I want to have the means to travel for five full months next year
without worry or concern as to how to go about doing it.
I want to explore myself in the open space of the world without the burden and concern of money holding me back.
I want to be free of my fears so I can go beneath my issues and uproot them.

Just a few more days..

.till I go home.
till life goes to a normal spot.
till there is no stress.
till there is no curiosity.
till there are no walls.
till there is reality.
till there is forward movement.

All this does not mean I am not enjoying myself
But the circumstances here are interesting
My ex and I get along and are growing well
But this much proximity is most likely not healthy
For either of us
It can be trying. I want to rant and scream but really
Would that accomplish anything?
I know most of her behavior is situational
As is mine
So I let a lot of things go to minimize or avoid conflict
Unnecessary conflict.

I would rather the time I am having now, which is
enjoyable, with moments of stress,
as compared to the potential for constant argument
if either of us brought up every little situational thing the other is doing.

Thus just a few more days of enjoyment.
A few more days of stress.
A few more days till forward movement.

On the up note. I am festering a new idea in my head.
I like it because it does not seem to go away. Thus I will
give my hand a shot to write it once home.

Wolfville

So I came to Wolfville for a day trip and a private little get away
Thought it would be great to do something other than just wander through the Downtown of Halifax
Wolfville is great.
I stayed at a really peaceful B&B
I used the hot tub
Had a great dinner
Chilled in a huge bed
I walked around the town (Acadia University is here)
Saw some gorgeous mud flats that fill with water every 6-8 hours
I did not realize that I am in the land of the highest tides in the world
The mud flats are amazing but to think that they will be full of water shortly is cool
Checked out some old houses and just meandered through a quiet little, once thriving, port town
Wonderful day, relaxing, and allowing my mind to flow

Moving

From one place to another
I feel embarrassed and silly
I fall back sometimes onto the emotions
They are no longer appropriate
Nor are they always there
The moving sucks
But I know it is right
We seem to be getting along and growing
I am impressed
I feel different, not the same pull
In time I hope there is nothing but my friend