Ship

The ship is this little bubble I go to 

It is a place where reality disappears

People come and people go 

There is no current events

There is no bad day

The weather always feels the same

A safe little bubble

I went there to change my life

To clear my debts and my head

I have achieved both

I am debt free and know I am an actor

Through and through

The ship gave me more than I expected

It gave me clarity and insight into myself

It showed me what I was capable of doing for me

It allowed me personal understanding and acceptance

So that I could do things without lying to myself anymore

Without playing games against me

I thought that was enough

It was stunning but the ship gave me more again

In my clarity I became open

I became free

I became able to hear

You spoke and my soul rang 

From Quazimoto's tower

I looked down 

Afraid at first of the distance to the ground

But as time grew as I listened more

I shouted my love with the ringing of the bells

No longer afraid of the fall

I looked to the sky to soar with the eagles

To fly above everyone with joy in my heart

I had to look down to conquer my fears

I had to look down to understand the sky

The ship gave me more than I could ever have imagined

In the past I would have had to touch the ground and get comfortable again

To experience it and reassure myself that the sky was worth it

With the lessons learned on the ship

All I had to do was look down to gain that understanding of the ground

I had no need to experience it

I was open enough to call on my past, to recall what it was, to understand what it did to me

I was free enough to know the ground offered me nothing compared to you

I was clear enough to trust the wings I had grown but never tested

I love enough to test my wings with you

I have never flown before

and I am a slow learner

At first it seemed easy and I soared beside you with grace

But as I learn I discovered things I did not understand about flight

My wings are not yet fully developed 

I have troubles with them

I have tumbled from the sky in fear

Flapping violently hoping not to hit the ground

A place I no longer need or want

As I fall I cry to the heavens in my want to soar, to be free

I am open and you have taught me much too

I listen to your words and I breathed

I control my panic

I focussed and I spread my wings

With some effort I flapped them and they supported me

I looked above and you were a speck in the sky

It is a long way back to you

My wings have gained some strength and I can make the distance

It will take a while but I will soar beside you again

When I do we shall hold hands and soar together

Emotions

Lately it feels like I am the source of all woe

I used to be a breath of fresh air

I know that this is not about me 

But about us

We are in a situation that neither of us wants

I feel it acutely because of my past

This situation only heightens those things which made me unworthy before

You are not my past

But this feels like words and not actions

I am not sure of what to do

I give all that I am but it feels like too little

All that I am too little...?

I know that you hurt

I know that I cannot solve that

I should be able to

I should not take it into myself

But I believe that is part of my role

At times you will be asked to take it into yourself

But not now

What should I do?

I don't want to lose us

But are words enough?

For me they are.

I have a fear

That I become boring

That I don't know what to do after a certain point of learning

That in this struggle I have reached that point in your mind

I know that this is not true

I know that this is this moment and you hurt

That which takes away the hurt is being present

In my heart I want to solve all of this

To fulfill the dreams which you and I share

To be happy with one another

To do things together with smiles on our faces

To make love and hold one another

That feels so far away and in the meantime 

I cannot solve

Last night...future

So tonight is my last night at home before my last short ship stint

I feel sad

I miss you

I know we both don't want me to go

I know we both don't want to feel strained

I know we have gone through a lot in the past bunch of weeks

I cannot see the future

I know we will be okay

I know we will be fine

I know that when we are close and building we will be great

It is a miracle that we met

Not that we simply met 

But on such a universal level that we collided

Had I or you one different thing happen in our lives

We would not have met

Had a different gene been passed to either of us we would not be the perfect match

In levels like that it is a miracle that we met

Of all the people of the world 

I choose you for everything that you are

For to me you are absolutely perfect

Even in the struggle of the this last while 

I continue to love you unconditionally

Things change and will change again

In our life together each change will be for the better

I do not want to go 

But I shall for the big picture of keeping you in my life

I hold each day with the thought of you and us together

I look to our future for it is only with you

I miss you each day and know that not too long from now

I will hold you each day

I will never stop loving you

And though I feel sad for our distance tonight

I know that in the future it will be worth every distant night

I love you, I trust you, I give you all that I am

Hold to me for a while longer

Till we can hold each other my love

I want

I want to just love again

To be able to communicate and be understood

I spoke with my mother tonight and got in trouble for not saying something earlier

Something which I had told her about earlier

I guess the communication problem is mine, I remain the only common factor

If I could communicate clearer I would not be sitting here writing this today

Different words would have been used, or clearer phrases would have happened

Something would be different in the way I expressed and this would not be what it is

It will be alright but I wonder why this has to happen to get there

Why I fall short

What I don’t understand in communication

I discovered yesterday that my mother’s lack of happiness rides on words I spoke years ago

Words which in the way I communicated came across to effect a decision that left her perpetually unhappy to this day

I did not say what she expresses she heard but obviously the way I communicate

I cannot help but feel that my communication is the source of everything in the end

I work to be clear but then I guess I say too much

I honestly don’t know

A picture is worth a thousand words

I believe a touch is worth more

I want to be near

I don’t want to be going away again

Had I communicated differently I may never have left

I found out today that my financial position effects my mother’s piece of mind

For I still have things here, when she feels cluttered it aggravates her

I keep extrapolating out from this simple place

I hear versions of it in the past and see it in the present

I want to have answers

I want to have something solid to go on

Not a wing and a prayer

I want to breathe and be relaxed all the time

I want to be a stress release not a stress inducer

I want to be sought after not run away from

I want to help the situations around me but cannot

I understood tonight why financial strain sits so heavily with me

I was brought up with a few simple words: “If only we had money”, “If I just had..”

I want to not say those words myself

I follow my heart in everything I do

But I am a Capricorn

So when my heart begins to lead my head weighs every avenue to justify my heart

My heart needs no justification

I learned years ago that justification kills

I learned only recently how to just follow my heart

I give everything that is in there, inside my heart

Everything that I am is in the open

Vulnerable to you

I follow my heart in everything I do

I look back on life, my life and see my heart lead

My head justifying, my dreams being pursued safely

It has done me nothing 

I have lived well but alone

I want to stop being alone

I want to feel stable

I want to be able to experience life in a different light

I want to do it with you

I want to reach my dreams but am not sure how to do both

One step at a time and breathe

I want the step to be safe

I let my heart guide

I breathe and trust

I want to get through this

I want to feel your breathe on my neck, and us wrapped in each other

I want to share in love and not concerns of when but now

I want to be there 

I want to understand everything unspoken

I want to know what is going on inside

I want to be able to read minds for then maybe my communication would be better

and half the things I face would be avoided

I want to fix what I have broken

I want to make my mother happy

I want to see smiles and love again

I want a lot of things and it makes me smile with an ironic grin

because in the end I want nothing but happiness for those I love

Done

Lost, confused, twisted, not understanding

Too much, too little

Communicating not being heard

Heard not being communicative

Asking questions 

No answers

Told answers

Wonder why not included

I am lost, I am confused, I have not learned

I have heard that I am too practical, too pragmatic,

too logical, too planned, too much

When I am quiet I am too soft, too not enough of everything

I have not yet found one person who says I am just right

I guess I just don't know how to communicate

I don't know

and right now in frustration of not understanding

I throw out a bunch of everything with no meaning at all

because I don't know what to do 

and I am tired of talking to anyone

Change?

I am how old?

I am doing what?

I want what?

My two life goals feel in conflict

They do not mesh and one comes before the other

I do not believe I need to give either up 

I just need to approach differently and give one a temporary break

I realize that in a break it is a modification of the dream

One that may not come to what I want but will do

Regardless I know that I am tired

Everything changes and it must be time

I know that right now I want us.

Christmas

I have had an idea for some time of what to do for you

I think you will appreciate and like it

I have held off for a while, tentative space between us

Tense moments

It will be a good amount of work  to do

Of course only appreciated if you still want me

I believe we are beyond that

and new things have come up making me feel discombobulated

but these things cannot be changed and I must trust

So must you, something you admit

In accepting this off I went to the store 

To get what I need for the gift

Simply doing something for you which you will appreciate

Makes me feel good

I see you smile and it warms my coldness

Dialogue

I wish people would be clear on what they say

Not hold back and really let me know

For I cannot mind read

I am only able to make my actions based on what I hear

I hate when things come back to tell me I was wrong

That had I not... why didn't you say so.

Maybe, it really is me who does not hear?

Discombobulated

Things are okay

But there is distance

Unwanted

It breaks communication

Makes it difficult

It is only three more months

Yet it will be the hardest

We came through something rather difficult

Just put our feet on the right path

And now we are parting again

After all this time it would be silly to stop

So close to the end

But also so difficult to just accept the words being said

Trust that bonds are the solid

I believe in us

I don't want anything else

But I wish this was a challenge not faced

It has left me feeling discombobulated and lost

I have an uncertainty sitting in me

I know all of my side 

But not all of yours

There feels something unspoken

Like I have missed something

If I am right unless I am told I cannot help

I have done all I can 

To lay out a plan for the next year

Loose goals allowing for me to be there

Things that will change as we go along 

But at least a plan that will get me there

It is a big risk for me

But you are worth it

I feel alone in my approach

But know nothing else that can be done

As time goes by I will trust to the universe and you

You have proven time and time again you are not my past

I have no reason to doubt you 

I guess I fear one thing as I write I feel it

You have said you close up

Please don't do that

We know that outcome 

And for three months I cannot come to you to stop it

I take a deep breath and I breathe

That is what was needed I cannot control

This rollercoaster is almost at an end

One more time around

Airport

I have flown across the borders to see you

I was nervous, even scared, that it would be a goodbye

I trusted and held to that but it did not fully remove the above

I came with my open heart to see you and only you

You were hurt, in pain, confused, lost

I wanted to be here to offer my shoulder my hug

Sometimes it is all it takes to help clear everything in your mind

I do not think that I have taken it all away

But my presence helped to rejuvenate

There is still time and space

Both will be needed but not wanted

Now I sit in an airport

Headed "home", then to the distant lost work

I leave with a happy soul and the love I have never lost still with me

I leave without joy for leaving but joy for seeing you

Two days was all it was

It was enough for the moment

We tried to extend, damn those costly plane people

I will be back

Very soon

We will break that moment that space with your visit to me

A mini vacation for you

An escape from the cold

A moment for us too...

Let your imagination run wild.

I love you and nothing will take that away

You said "we will be okay"

I trusted and went to a place never before known

You are right and we are good

We need the downs to have the great ups

It will not be long before we are in each other's arms for good.

Peace...?

I breathe it all in

I give freely

I wonder how I effect

I believe and trust

(have been doing that for a long time)

I breathe it all in

You have all that I am

You possess every truth I know

You have every key to every door

I am patient

Secrets, the past, the present

We all have things that haunt us

They are our secrets

They are our past

I believe that it is our past that makes us who we are today

We only have our present 

If the things that lay behind us stop us from being

Then the past is our thief

Taking from us the love we share

Truly though in the end

If it is a factor, the past, and it scares us

We cannot fully understand the present 

Until we address the past with full knowledge

And not an assumption of its outcome