Trying

I give all I have
Right from the beginning
Without fail
Was shut down twice
Still gave all I had
Found even more to give
When do I stop trying
When do I stop giving
The second I realize that I get nothing back
and what I offer is no longer on equal terms

That return
That equality
Is what makes someone special
And until you I believed it could not be found
Day by day my belief slips away

I am good alone
But lets be honest
My life without you
Is meaningless and chaotic
Everything else I say to myself is a lie
Just to cope with constant sadness

Whatever works
Numb pain

What now?

I am a little annoyed with myself
Because I am not ready to move on
Each time I talk to another one I am wishing for you
Each day another something reminds me of all that I did with you
All that I want to do with you
I love you/loved you/ something anything

The point is that you have not demonstrated even any care for me since you said we should talk
And well that should be enough for me to say goodbye
Yet somehow we are still connected
I want to see this go all the way,
Where ever that is.

See I know I meant the words I said
I wanted exactly what I asked you for
I just had to go through some of the tuff stuff to get to it fully
I thought as I did you would be there with me, that was what we said
I learned from you and worked to solve the things that bothered you
In turn bothering me
But by the time you shared and expressed fully you were already writing me off

So now all this time is passed
I stand here with egg on my face
Not wanting to move forward because I still care and want to nourish the care
While you still don't even know what you want
These two facts bother me,
They don't coincide with anything meaningful

Conversation
That is a good start
I offered you patience originally
When you held your secret from me
The one that helped to crush us
Told you no matter what I would be here for you
And I still am
Even when I am hurting I keep making offers and apologies to you
So I accept your conversation and realize
It is all about patience

In the end if our connection means nothing
Then nothing will have changed from this moment
In the end if our connection means something
Then you will see me for all that I am
Nuff said
You don't see me for all that I am or else
I would not be wondering what happened since you said lets solve this and work on it

Annoyed

It was not the email I wanted to send
It was not the phone call I want to have
I get annoyed when circumstances outside of me
help to dictate my action

All I want is to talk, communicate, enjoy
I have no idea what you want, I just don't know
I don't want these outside circumstances to influence
what has recently happened between us

I feel sick
I feel shut down
All I can think of is it impact on you
But I don't think you care

October 3, 2009

The time is now 6:07pm.

At 2:00pm today I was to be married to the most wonderful girl in the world.
I still feel that way, but she is lost and hurting and does not know what she wants.
I am still hear for her, if she wants, but she has to act on that, I will never force.

It stings but it is life.
I am not married, nor fully happy, but I move forward for that is what I have left

I celebrated
I bought a meditation cushion
To help me get closer to my spiritual side

Talking

Is it possible to just talk?
Or does the past cover leave to many unanswered questions
to allow us to talk freely?

I think we can talk freely
It is possible
I think that basic questions about the past need to be laid to rest before we begin

the potential of the future is amazing
if we have just a glimmer of an idea of where it is going
it does not matter its outcome
but the idea to at least be at the same start line for this race
i think is a smart one.

Journey

as my journey continues
I get further and further away from my life goals
not in the way you would think
I am not losing track of what I needed
rather I am gaining insight into what I want

life goals, of monetary stability and success
still have value
but they no longer dominate my mind
I see clearer that my soul wants satisfaction
that it wants to sing a life well lived

I can do that alone and will if necessary
but as I sit here tonight
doing something so simple as watching a moving film
my soul cries out for the special someone to share it with

I believe I know who she is
the journey to her is worth it
if that path is already lost
then the lessons learned that help me to my clarity
are invaluable as they are and alone I shall tread my path

One Million Ways

that I have thought about hearing your voice
that I have thought about seeing you
that I have thought about touching you
that I have thought about leaving you
that I have thought about erasing you
that I have thought...

any interaction or lack thereof has been thought about
infinite times

I never thought I would hear your voice
or experience a kind word from you again

yet for all of that I hold no animosity
and I am open to you
I realize that ... well I just realize that you are special.

it seems almost unbelievable
that we will talk soon
the moment is upon us

in this moment I realize
in all the ways and scenarios I have thought of
none of them could be this or anything
for the only thing it could be is the reality it will be
when we actually communicate

i have no idea what it is to be
i have no expectation
i have no need of the past
i don't know the future
i only care about the moment

because living, real, moments with you is all i want
for you are special

Anxiouss

Today I am feeling anxious.
I am very full of abundance
Money has been rolling in
Friends abound
Good home
Today as I look forward
the money is not as evident
the work seems not on the horizon
There are always ups and downs
Today is a day where the nerves kick in
It is an opportunity to truly face my new mindset and get past this
I take a deep breath and will require some meditating

Growth

Exponential growth
I found a book which connected my dots
Showed me the path that I want to be on
Adds to my gained knowledge and hurts from the recent trauma
Made crystal that which was already clear
Showed me its outcome is not what is valuable
For the tangible action is simply an expression of where I need to be
I enjoy this opportunity
It brings me closer to you
It gives me understanding
It allows me offerings
If you accept them
The world will be as it is
I will share it with you
If you let the offers go
The world will be as it is
I will share it without you

When Harry Met Sally

I watched this wonderful movie for the millionth time tonight
I truly do love it
But a thought came to me tonight
Harry really is quite pessimistic
But his ideas of heterosexual relationships is pretty bang on
Kinda scary
If he is right then well what does that say about us?
Given everything I learned from my past relationship
All the work I put in to understand her side
I again realize further how my actions can hurt
and it inspires me to continue changing and holding to these new ideals
so as to truly learn from my actions and better myself
Its result when I share again it will be wonderful and more yet than the last
maybe the last will simply benefit from it as we grow

Hello again

Dear Blog,

I am sorry to have neglected you and those who may read you
It has been an interesting period of time
Not sure of how to put myself out there what to say
So much has changed
I wonder sometimes if anyone reads this
Or if it is just for me
For those who have been invited to see this blog
For those who may have discovered it
Feel free to comment here or at my personal email
I put this all out there for ... it is what it is

Clarity

Three months have gone by since you walked away from me
Told me that you wanted to solve and like the other one
Lied, did nothing to communicate, disappeared on me

I hold no judgement on that and I am not angry
I have nothing but love for you and will until I die
Before you disappeared you asked of me something
hoped for me/us

I hope your return home gives you clarity

It has
Not only in the return home
Not only in your absence when I thought we had a future
But in the time where I worked and communicated
In the time where I put in my all to help solve us

I gained clarity of what I want
How I want it
What the long term is
What I am willing to take
What I am willing to do
Greater focus of my spirituality
Greater everything

These are conversations I want with you
You have disappeared and are no where to be found
I hope you are well