Empty

The time has come where I have said

No more emails

No more contact (barring business)

I have sent my last one and stuck to it

There just comes a time when I accept the action

The words are empty

I know this

I can see this

It indicates that what we had may have been nothing

It is without question time to move on

Yet, inside my soul feels empty

I feel hollow

I feel missing

I feel some of me is truly gone

It dampens my spirit and

In some ways I feel I may never get it back

That I am not competent enough

To hold those feelings for anyone ever again

Each day I wake up

You still run in my mind

Each night I rest my head

You are in my thoughts

Time for you to go away too

Fully

Time to feel truly empty

How have...

you been treated lately?

A question in reference to you.

The answer, horribly, still no response.

I know it is done. Sad when all that was asked for was simple courtesy

Even if it was a goodbye.

I have been letting go but that gave me misty eyes.

I look at who presents themself to me lately

I just don't get excited, and I wonder if I ever will.

I really did give it all.

Better to have loved and.....

Frustration

All the things I am looking for are here

All is well

The things which cause me stress are not present

This is great

Why am I frustrated?

Because I want to share and experience it with someone

A special person

That is the part which seems to elude me constantly

They say we create our own worlds and destiny

I think I believe this

So why do I keep creating something in which I am frustrated

Lacking in one aspect or another?

That is the part which makes no sense

Why create that which we find disturbing?

It perplexes me and not sure how to remedy it!

Lately

I have been effected by excessive longing

Missing you

Wondering why

Wishing you would get out of my head

So I could just move forward and get something so much better

Cause you sure are not it with the silence and lack of communication you hold

Moving

Tomorrow

Hard to deal with it in some respects

Glad to get a good place

New start etc.

Sad, confused as it is not with us.

Never

Thought I would say it

It may be temporary

But I don't really think so

I am fed up

Tired

Beat down

I don't need to question

I know the answer

I would like to hear you say it

But know I will never

You don't have the courage

To stand up and be the person you said you were

You don't have actions to support what you told me

You are not the you I know

In that I just accept

I don't really miss

I don't really hurt

I don't really anything

I am numb for it all

Wasted time?

No I don't regret

It gave me more things I did not have

Life turning around

In ways I would not expect

But in general I am numb

Not just to you but to all potentials

Why go there?

It does not matter so many lies

No truths in who people are

Action versus words

They don't match

I said it all before I met you

You seemed different

Words meeting action

and one thing goes wrong

One thing you didn't want to face

and your tune changed

Like everyone else

So I have a new theory

That people when challenged with the things they don't want

Become who they are not to deal with them

And get rid of themself who was with you

and the you they no longer want

Why?

Does it still hurt

Does it still bother

Does it still confuse

All questions without punctuation

because they seem pointless and painful without end.

This is truly sad, not tears, but oh my god get over it sad

The sappy love story finished two hours ago.

Another Night

I am perplexed

With each passing day

I can see without a doubt

That in the end you really don't care

There is no hope

There is no etc.

With each day I accept this more

Chastising myself each time I consider how long it is taking

To heal and to let go

And I wonder to myself

Why, would I, even offer you a thought

You who treated me so poorly without respect at the end

I wonder why tonight I feel longing

Why I sit missing you and wishing

Guess I truly gave my heart

Guess it takes a lot to get it back

Without You

I rock climb

I act

I create theatre

I develop children's shows

I live a free spirited life and don't worry about finding a career

I build my career in the arts

I live some would say

These are all things that I would do with you

I just needed the time to figure out how to do them there

Time you wouldn't give us as you didn't communicate

It is okay, I have fell naturally to the things I love

and although you do not experience them with me

I think, it is for the better,

You didn't want to share them or you would have worked and communicated

One always should be with the someone who simply partakes of you

In hindsight I see you did not

Sad

Chaos

The world swims around me

There is so much going on

That I am averaging about 4 hours sleep each night

So much I don't flip my bed out to sleep

I just fall down on the couch

I woke up to see and feel the chaos

which I have ordered quite well

surrounding me

I look forward to moving

To creating a space which facilitates my busy

but accommodates peace

It is important to have a resting place

I breathe

Dreams

Had a weird one last night

I guess a product of my ex finally contacting me

Cold as ever.

I dreamed I was a jedi

Wielding my light saber

In a dark room

The battle seemed fierce

But when was over come by the evil forces

The director called cut and told us we had messed up the choreography

Later I was sitting at a fancy dinner

When a "bad guy" came up to let me know he had succeeded in stealing the nuclear bomb

As everyone evacuated someone asked me, Justin, actually where I was going?

I was responsible for disarming it.

Why me?

So off I went to do so

A tangle of wires that seemed familiar.

So familiar it was the same dream I had before.

Then I awoke.

Offers to my psychosis, and what it all means.

Sometimes

Sometimes I sit back and look at my life

It is 4am and I don't know why I am not asleep

I am so busy doing things that I just want to rebel

Stay up and do what I want

Relax, be luxurious, watch a movie, write etc.

In four hours I will be tired as I go to work.

I know this yet still I stay up.

I look at my life and see how it is so not like any norm

I have much of what I want but I have to work

I do crazy hours, work multiple jobs, just to pursue my dream

It burns me out and I want to just feel ... normal?

I want my dreams in my hand

But I don't want the work that goes with them

It is why I sometimes need to rebel

stay up late and say fuck it

because I have to let the work go while I cut loose from it

I will make it up, I will be tired, I will achieve

I don't lead a 9-5 life, I never have

I don't know if I could

In these moments I sometimes want/wish for a "real" job

The stableness of it

The 9-5 of it as I think about settling down

The normalcy so I can know and expect and feel secure

It would be nice but would I be happy?