Inner Tears

Just saw a movie called Defendor

Simple movie

Simple idea

A simple man who is mentally challenged or slow or not all there

Fantasizes and actualizes becoming super hero

Nothing special about him

He just dresses up and goes out to get bad guys

Because of his challenges his view on the world is different black and white

So he is set on one goal and only that goal

He falls in love and he has emotions

He gets hurt and he falls down

Can a simpleton save the world?

Or does it just take one man with the courage to stand up to another

Justly to start the chain of events that change our space?

It is not Hollywood in this movie and as it came to a close

I found myself with a tear on my cheek

Confusion

Some days are good.

Some are bad

Today a day where I think

Why did I even try?

Why did I not have the strength to say goodbye with the first sign?

Why and why and why?

Others say I am good?

I agree.

So really why did I do this to me?

The Hurt Locker

Jeremy Renner says

"when you are as old as me, you find you love only a few things

maybe it is just one thing"

And then they cut to him going back to the field, cut to him in his bomb suit.

He expresses he loves nothing but his work. Surface.

A look at the movie and his actions show that he is suicidal, looking to die

He is a looking for his suicide bomb

He loves his adrenaline, it is a drug, he loves his death because he needs escape

How can people get so cold that they lose the love they have the love that creates life in babies and leads to commitments like marriage?

How can we do what we do that pushes all that away?

Head Kick

I wrote to communicate about the debt owing

From you to me

Silence for a year of course nothing remains

But money

I have been civil and trusting that this will/can be

Resolved between us with out a court of law

Your email is no longer active, nor is your phone

So you have run

I believe that one day I will hear from you but I would like to know when

I have sent snail mail

We will see....

It is time

I still think of you but it is different

I recognize your coldness and know

It took too long

But now I am not afraid

To show you what is up

I have to be strong and face the facts

There are matters to be dealt with

No longer the heart

No longer the mind

Just the logistics of a goodbye.

You don't know me

Started truly dating again

trying to reclaim myself

My life, my love.

Been listening to me

Wondering if I know how to do this

Thinking

Realizing that people don't really understand the self

that they are taken by surprise

and in that they take the ones around them by surprise too

Leaving them without explanation or thought

Just the aftermath of what they did

So I sit waiting to meet a person who has enough awareness

to not give me aftermath

but give me the moment

Someone I can know

Who knows themself

Another Day

So I met someone,

She is nice,

She never called back

So I met someone else

She is nice

She never followed through

And so the story goes.

I must be doing something wrong.

I am tired.

The communication thing does not seem to work.

Maybe I will try lying instead.

Must be

something better for me on the horizon

It does not feel like it but

I cannot believe that you were my swan song

Some days are good, some are bad

Soon another will be in my life

All will be good

For now, just time to relish

Spending time with me

Feeling

I don't know

I miss you

I hurt

But reality speaks to so many "negative" things

I look to move forward

I feel alone

I feel it won't ever happen

I don't see myself with anyone

I spend so much time solo

I question my ability to interact

To communicate

I don't know

I wonder

How did we affect each other?

How did it change?

I think it does not matter

I think

I don't know

Just a hollowness

Tolerance

I have the ability

skill

power

or is it stupidity

lack of worth

short sightedness

to deal with

accept

and tolerate

people long after

everyone else

I know

would walk away.

Forward

There must be something more

something better

something which suits me perfectly

(there is no perfect only perfect for me)

Not getting what I want

Which means forward there is something

That will fulfill that

Forward!

Contact

A year goes by

Limited contact

A few lame attempts to suggesting we work it out

No follow through

Silence

My pain, my misery,

Confusion, no explanation,

No understanding

Attempts to solve

Working solo for a year

I start to come to my senses

Accept you are gone

That your words are lies

I stand up

Write a goodbye email for me

and you respond

The only reason I write you say

Is to manipulate and get what I want

I wonder if you read anything in the past year

If you took time to look at us

Because all the emails say the same thing

"Please talk to me so we can figure this out"