Alone

I am here in this bubble
This space away from the reality of the world I once new
I know not a soul but I spend time with many
My mind is open but my business keeps me outside of my head

Many things sink in here but I have no time to understand them
I no longer require the same things I used to and many things I want...
Well they seem so inappropriate here or out of place
So I accept that they will come when they need to

For now I am in a place that I need/want
I think of people and I miss people and I want people
So many things I left unfinished
Yet, as selfish as this may seem,
I want none of it
These moments here in this bubble
Are the moments which are setting me outside of my patterns
Breaking down my habits which held me in place and kept me
Reaching rather than attaining

For those who are still with me when I step out of the bubble
They will hold what I hold
But I will not need them to hold me up
I will hold myself up and invite them to come along

This is an interesting journey this one
Where I learn of myself and my quiet space
There is a spot in me for me,
and although there will always be space for my freinds and family
There may not be a sacrifice of myself for them

Each person needs to stand unto themself
Each person needs to be surrounded by those who can that
So that each person can choose when to truly reach out and give
As well as recieve the support we need
For as much as we stand unto ourselves
We are not islands

My heart holds love for myself right now
And I am enjoying finding me.

Changes

Nine days ago everything was different
I was stuck, I was stagnant
I had interesting relationships
I had potential that could not be touched
I was afraid I was excited
Nine days ago everything was different

In nine days I have realized I am who I am
I will never mingle the way I expect from TV
I accept that
I am free to be myself
I catch myself seeking approval and validation
I catch myself walking away from it actively

I am my own individual self
I do not need anyone to tell me who I am
I run into problems and I want to call
I catch myself stopping and looking for the answers myself

At one time long ago people would call me Cassanova
I realize I am not that
I am nervous of approaching women I am nervous of doing something wrong
I accept that

I accept that I am who I am
For nine days I have smiled and laughed
There have been moments that things feel overwhelming
But they are okay
There are moments where I just love life

Tonight I looked up at the stars
They are beautiful
Tonight I felt how small I was as I looked at the ocean
I am okay with that
Tonight I reveled in the moon
Tonight I was called crazy and I am
The reality is I am who I am
And fuck you if you don't accept it
For I do

There is a space between making this statement and fully accepting it
But that space is this journey
To take myself as I am today is a huge step
It does not need anyone to tell me I am acceptable
For I accept myself

Orlando (not Bloom)

Made it safe
Weather is amazing
Hot tub is hot
I start tomorrow.
I feel pshyched
Big adventure and huge changes.
I am alive.

Leaving

In six hours I am at the airport
It was an interesting departure
Felt weird saying goodbye to my ex, not sure how to take that, it felt cold
The universe will tell me later
It was awesome seeing other friends
We had some good good byes and the smiling supportive faces will stay with me

It was sad to leave you but you know I wil come back
You know we will be stronger and better able to be what we need
I am glad you are there for me
Thank you, special girl

Spent time with old friends and new
Old friends trust I will still be a friend when I return
Wished me luck and hung out like I was not leaving
It was great

New friends were not sure where we go from here
We will go, universe provides, see you soon

Myself, I am excited, and scared, mostly excited
I have no plans
I am off to work and ...
everything unfolds as I find myself

My Passion

Ever since I was a teenager I wanted to act
It is the thing I enjoyed the most
I have pursued it with undying fervor since that first night on stage
There are many years behind me in that pursuit
There are many sacrifices made
There are many tears shed, drops of blood spread

In that pursuit I became tainted
Followed for the wrong reasons
Tried too hard for the wrong outcome
Lied about what I wanted

In admitting this
I accept my flaws
In accepting I am able to see a glimmer of the untainted passion
That brief flickering flame is enough

I look at my recent past
I assess my current journey
and I understand that everything I am doing
Every push I make
Is too discover myself in greater detail
In that discovery I am passionate
In its purest form
I dig, I delve, I sacrifice in order to bring that to life
So that in understanding passion
I may cherish it again, because
I would rather die than settle for something which I am not passionate about

Moulin Rouge

To experience love so strong, so powerful, so intense and passionate
That you would give up your life.
That you would crush your own soul to give freedom to another.
That feeling is the only feeling worth fighting for
To settle for anything less is incomprehensible
And that which has the power to destroy humanity
One soul at a time.

This love is the passion that should drive us in everything we do
So that every waking second of life is filled with the fullness of life
In being full it bounds with joy

I cannot settle in any aspect of life
I would rather die
In searching I only want to hear three words
but those words must be filled with the
Unsettling Passion.

Alone

I didn't realize taking this job was touching on so many things
Yes I wanted to get away and do some things for myself
Yes I wanted to challenge me but I had no idea it would hit this deep

I fear being alone
It is why broken relationships are hard
Now I realize that making these choices are challenging that fear

I fear being incapacitated by health
My health record came back a bit shoddy
Need to get second report
Dealing with that insecurity

I fear situations without gaurantee
Is there ever one?
No, but some things have a feeling of security
My friend of sixteen years, we will grow, we will be different
but on my return I am sure we will move forward
There is one friend I have no gaurantee with
I am facing that uncertainty

Finally, in all of this I never thought that I would choose to actually go alone
Not physically but emotionally
I could never have phathomed that I would make a choice to be alone
As that is my greatest fear
And here I go into unchartered territory with no back up.

I made these choices from a simple premise
I wanted things in my life to change
Living the way I was living could no longer continue
The last relationship was a perfect indication of that
Something good ruined by my stagnation
So I made my choice, it was simple
Get away for a while, change it so much that I couldn't help but be different
It was also an escape
But now I see the universal guide letting me in on so much more
That this ruse for escape was salvation

Yes I am scared
But I have everything I wanted
So that I am different no longer stagnant
It is exciting.

Time to pass a medical exam.

Departure

So I got assigned to my ship today
I leave Dec 9 and return June 15, 2008
Wow

I am super excited, I am scared, I am overwhelmed, I am bouyant and every other emotion I can think of all at the same time

I am also sad
There are moments we won't touch on
I know you offered that acting on this would be selfish of you
That my path was important
I know the same of me to you
So we have been apart but closer
Now the time comes that we will be apart
It saddens me

I cannot predict the future
But I said that this journey would make me more of who I am
Better for me for you
So maybe for us when I return
Time is its own place and cannot be harnessed
Know that we will act in our moments
So that we can live of course
Know that in this moment our separation pulls a piece of sadness from my heart

Compliments

A few posts ago I mentioned how I felt like one of those people in the headshots
Well today while I was ushering a fellow came up to me
"you are chaos right?"
"Yes i am?"
"You auditioned for me three years ago, you are really good"

'Nuff said, I come into my own.
Take my break and the rest is history.

Learning

I came to the realization that I truly know nothing
That all my wisdom is only truly applicable to me
And the question is:
How applicable is it, or how much do I know if I continue to end up in the same spot
The universe is so big
We/I am so small
What I store in my mind is nothing
For all I may know it is infinitesimal compared to what could be known
And as it is all my own experience it has no true bearing for anyone else

I recently watched a friend create some music
One of the most moving pieces I have heard
He created it because he was truly moved in his soul by certain events
The result was this piece of music, his song
I couldn't help but realize
That if I am not creating because of being that moved there is no point
And from that came the idea of how much do I know that I want to share
and then it hit me
I truly know nothing

Why?
He too has been in a similar state of searching/solving/understanding
His wisdom lead him to some personal growth and advanced his position
His growth to the song
I believe the indication of knowledge is the process of growth

Talking

Sitting there, just the two of us
One on one
(the way I seem to communicate)
How many years of friendship between us?
It is a really long time
There is equal value in our relationship
You have grown gained knowledge which I only skim the surface
I have learned more of the practical life
When I share you are able to say give more
But I don't understand, and everytime I do get it you have learned more
You take from me my practical but it does not matter to you
So lost in your knowledge
I want to catch up to you because it will give me peace of mind
As my troubles fall away
You want me to catch up to you so that you don't have to continue picking me up
It hurts you to see me struggle and fall, with so little gain
It hurts me more
You have pointed it out though
The struggle and fall equals so little gain
Others without your knowledge think me brave and courageous for delving
You may see the same but wish I understood a more efficient way
That makes two of us
For all the bravery though there is a point of resignation
How many years have you known me?
How many times have you seen me fall?
How many struggles of similar nature?
How much gain?
The pattern is there and it seems to not go away?
You cannot help
I am who I am, this is how I learn, you try to accept
That for all my push I am still pretty trapped

1am Sushi

Sitting with the boys
It is 1am and we are having sushi after working out
I am laughing and so are they
We have been laughing all night
Since we started the workout and we arrived we have been laughing
It is a moment, a space I am unfamiliar with
Hollywood shows us what friends are supposed to be like
And I never understood it
More moments like 1am sushi and I will