Sharing

Sharing is something I love doing.
I have been criticized on many occasions for talking to much
Sometimes I feel that I do talk too much
I call and spend all this time talking about me and my day
Then you say I wrote you about this, or remember this about my day
I feel like an idiot, I feel self centered, I feel inconsiderate.
Not because I did not remember, or that I didn’t mention it
But because I was so excited just to share.
If I am asked I believe that you want to know so I tell
In my excitement I forget to ask sometimes
I also forget that when I ask “so how was your day?”
You may not understand that it means: I want to know take all the time to share with me that you want
I forget that you may not share the same way I do; you may need a more specific query
I may not realize that when I share you listen and wait because when you are sharing,
your shares trigger more things in me and I want to share more
It then becomes interactive
I love to share and give details and tell stories and bring them to their fullest completion
I hate to lose a point, miss a detail or not finish
I don’t do tell my elaborate stories to be selfish or self centered
I tell them because I love it when you can understand and feel what I did.
I tell because I enjoy sharing, I enjoy the taste of the words as they roll over my lips
I tell because I love listening to your response, because I love seeing you react
I tell because you asked and I love to share
I love sharing

One Week

The Barenaked Ladies wrote a song about it.
The song spoke about one week gone by since we...
For me it is opposite.
It is one week till you arrive.
One month and one day have gone by since I left.
(interesting how one month equals the same length of time conceptually but in fact this month is longer than the previous by one full length of 24 hours)
It is but one week till you arrive.
One week till we touch.
One week till we speak in person.
One week till we kiss.
One week till we look at each other.
One week till we caress.
One week till we connect mentally.
One week till we make love.
One week till we laugh together.
One week till we drive each other mad with passion.
One week till we are present together.
One week till we play in new ways.
One week till we get closer to us

Notes on an uncertain future

I have fallen in love
There is no doubt or question in my mind, heart or soul on this simple fact
Simple, love I must admit that it is, you feel and you act
Difficult is making all the aspects around this wonderful feeling come together
Love allows us the ability to face these things head on and not look back
It does not take the challenges away, we just choose to face them differently

Love has brought to life interesting challenges
I want to spend my life with her so these challenges are things I want to accomplish
They are not a burden but the outcome and the bringing them to life is uncertain
I want to be a actor, one that survives on this craft
I want to be able to supply income to a family
I want to be able to retire and spend a relaxing post career life
I want to be able to spend quality time with my love
I want to experience life through travel and adventure
I want to take time to climb to breathe and to be calm

None of these goals are different today than they were the day before I fell in love
They now just include my love
My concern sits in this, the uncertain future
I have spent ten solid years working to achieve the above
I have given ten solid years of life living and scraping to get the goals above
Today I feel only a little closer to the above goals

I still do not know how to achieve all that I want in the career that I want
I have a plan but my plans have collapsed on me before
I have direction but I have lost that direction before
I have an aim, I have missed the mark more than once
My goals if I fall no longer effect just me and failure well makes it more challenging to be with my love

Nothing is impossible
I know that I am supported, for what feels like the first time in my life, by her
I know that I no longer face these challenges alone that we are two not one
There is an aspect that does not want to lean
And yet the reality is I can only lean so much, I am the one who needs to make my career, she can only support that specific
In my soul I feel fine, in my logic I feel fear, the imbalance is daunting

So I look forward right now today
At some wonderful possibilities, things that in fruition will make everything above easily possibly
I wonder if they do not come to be what do I do next and I shake inside
I take a deep breath and fall back to my immediate plan
I breathe and think this path is only slightly less risk
I quiver with a tremble of fear

I breathe and soak it in
I am an artist
I am a craftsman
I am a man with determination
Stopping on this path would crush my soul
I have tried to do so before
There feels like there is only this
So I put on my game face and move forward

I look at those who I see successful
I see that their success was step by step
Each step building on each plan
I look at me and see each step
They lead to their own individual things
And I started the journey again?
I feel not so much on step one this time
I have done this before, I have more experience, I have drive within me this time
The last bit garnished new things
They lead me to trust my soul
In trusting my soul I accomplished things to relieve stress and face things from within
In trusting I fell in love
A great big breath, tremors and nerves wrack it, I breathe it out and hold the droplets in my eyes
I trust and take one more step

Rain

So it rained soothing sounds all night. I went to bed shortly after we got off the phone. I awoke to the sound of soothing rain, almost as nice as waking beside you on a day when we have nothing to do. I think to me what to say this early in the morning, that has not been said one million times. What can I let you know that is different or new, exciting or fresh. Weird there are things to say but so incidental from this perspective of email, yet in person they are little things/questions like where are you going for your breakfast meeting? They are topics of conversation that keep us fueled and connected. They are questions that ask when can I see you and spend my time with you? When will you be here by my side so I can make love to you and languish in your beauty? Soak you up and taste your skin as we delve closer to each others being.

Thinking of You

I am sitting here thinking of you

of how much I love you
of how much I shall miss you.
of how much there is in front of us.

I am sitting here wondering
of how we will be
of how we will sort it out
of how soon I will hold you again

I am sitting here breathing
knowing with you it will be alright

Sign Off

Six months and three days ago
I arrived in Port Canaveral
Excited for the simple life change
and the great weather.

Tomorrow I sign off
Six months and three days done
I have figured out huge aspects of myself
Found love and opened myself to opening doors.

Life is better for it all and I choose to remember that it is great but by choice.

This time ...

It feels right
It feels honest
It feels connected
It feels caring
It feels trustworthy
It feels wonderful
It feels returned
It feels open
It feels communicative
It feels safe
It feels challenging
It feels overwhelming
It feels good
It is love

Leaving a Mark

I traditionally feel left out
I miss the gossip
I don't understand the connection
I sit alone at the party

This does not mean I don't have friends
But in bigger groups I am not as active as everyone else
It feels lonely

I see people saying goodbye
Developing great friendships
Learning about each other and connecting
I wish

In the past week something has happened
Maybe I stopped trying so it was allowed to happen
Maybe I have grown and did something different
It is not something for me to truly question

I looked around and realized that this time
In this group
In this location
I have connected
People are going to miss me
I am valued here and understood
I have left a mark
and so have they

Jogging on the Beach 3

It is late afternoon, early evening,
The sun is setting
The breeze is cool
It is my last jog here
I start out and feel the wonderful wind
She has been good to me these many months
I pick up my pace and follow my route
Through the streets, around the corner and onto the beach
The air is fresh, not dense like usual,
The sea beats beside me and I jog
I get to the end and rather than push further to my usual stop point
I race up the hill, over the grass through the trees
I dart along the top of the hill, with the sun at my back
I feel free, open and alive

Challenges

So I have reached a new point
One of spooky consciousness
One that has the ability to shake me
But not make me run
The shake will only bring to greater understanding
But who likes being shaken
I can and have identified things that have terrified me before
Things within me that make me afraid
Things that would in time make me collapse what I have
But now I can see them
I can understand them
I can call them out
This is good
But who wants to face things left in ignorance before
Who wants to face up to and change the things that just were
Who wants to be able to identify their short comings
Who wants to remove thier ignorance and be unable to hide if it all comes down
For now if it all comes down I can say this is why
This is where I fell short
This is what I did or didn't do
Within myself for myself
And now I am left with choice
Walk and pretend not to see
Or challenge and see if I can overcome
You win without thought for you are worth the challenge
It does not make it less scary
For I am human and worried that I could fail
But you are worth that risk
When the knight was identified he did not get buried
He simply became wiser on when to draw his sword
This is the time when the sword comes out and its sharp edge is used to cut to the bone

I don't like you

You are prissy and annoying
Without general respect for others
How do you manage this?
By degrading others
With each thing you feel makes you superior
You flaunt it in a face,
For anything that makes you feel less
You verbally degrade to make people feel smaller
I see this, I know this and I laugh at your insecurity
I think it is a shame that this "humor" is eaten up by so many others
And for all my insight into it, your words still hurt

Values

Through various incidents and the increase of popularity
I have come to a conclusion
That people do not value what is done in the work place
But what is done outside of the work place
A persons ability to gain friendship and popularity
Determines their value.
It is difficult to see that people hold that value,
not because valuing human interacion is bad
but because it devalues work ethic
and the quality of work and attention to detail
which makes work a good place
deterioates quickly leaving it an unpleasant place to be.
It gives me greater understanding to the lack of completed work tasks
and the few picking up the slack in an working environment
I wish my value, while at work, was more on popularity than it is on work
For unfortunately I have also seen too much where the attention to social interaction
Is also the foundation for work promotion.