30 Days

One month
That is all it is
Then no more of this distance
To be near each other is both wonderful and nervous filled
It will be okay

Decisions have been made
Exciting ones done together
and in 30 days I will leave the tin can my prison
and then we will hold and touch and communicate in person.

I cannot explain my joy it is exceptional.

Poor/Good Decisions

I am torn
my decision to be here was it good or bad
I know on one front that it was good
It will help to the future contribution of my choices
My move my love
On the other hand it feels like the worst choice in history
Tearing me literally from the arms of love
Causing stress
Not being present for important things
and distance just being difficult

I hope it adds to us in the forever not detract from us.

Phones and email

So as much as I love these things
Because they allow me to communicate
When the technology does not work it drives me nuts
I am tired of the distance, sick of the job and I just want to
Share when I want to

I don't think it is too selfish a request
Maybe this time all my choices will progress me enough
That I won't feel I stepped backwards

My Tin Can and Little Things

I have a tin can which floats in the middle of the ocean
It holds thousands of people
But it is lonely
I have these little thoughts each day
Fleeting things like how I hold my fork and why
I want to discuss these trivial and stupid things
They are meaningless but knowing I can discuss with you
Is what makes you special
Is what makes us feel present, together, close

This thought teaches me how important moments are
The simple things shared that make a lifetime of memories
Remember the time when sat in a coffee shop and talked about single blade fans
Lifetime memories

My tin can is like a bubble
The sea around it is so vast I cannot comprehend land
My mind is on land
No my heart is on land
Thus I am missing a part of me
I want it back so I can share it
Right now you just get to hold it
Sharing is more fun

Besides when I have it it does not feel like I am missing a part of me
You know this feeling
That emptiness that says something feels not right
It is not wrong with us as one
But in the self a limb/organ is missing
It does not feel right

Soon I will leave my tin can
To reclaim my missing pieces
And put our puzzle together
I look forward to that day
For then we can also get off the roller coaster
and walk around the amusement park
Enjoying each others company.

Distance 2

In addition to the many things that suck about distance
The missing, the longing, the lack of touch, the lack of sex,
the lack of seeing you, the lack of real immediated communication,
the lack of just about everything that is great,
I came across one that is big.
The inability to be apart while spending time together in silence
The unspoken good communication while you exist simultaneously
and enjoy each other but have the freedom to do and be alone
It is comforting that feeling
It is also usually followed by a strong pulling together and closeness
Usually really good sex ( a nice bonus to just being )
Damn this distance. But only for another 56 days before a good time together

I miss you, I will see you soon.

Deodorant and Frogger

So I have a deodorant I don't like
It came in a travel kit that was a gift
Nice gift
Not so nice deodorant
It does not compliment my natural smell
And smell is important
Of course it is not bad
But nor is it good
So I don't feel I can be wasteful and trash it
Oh the deodorant I will never by

So I am standing in the middle of the street
Wearing my not so good smelling deodorant
Waiting to cross and I see three cars coming
All spaced in a way that makes me think of Frogger
Does anyone remember Frogger?
Cross the road litlle frog I thought
But then I waited
I wonder why?
Four lanes of traffic
Maybe.

Assessment

Five months
That is the length of time left on the tin can.

Nine months ago that is when I started
I had a goal
An idea
A mindset
All in place to help me gain perspective and change my life

I would break free from my patterns
I would gain understanding of my self
I would know if my career was the right choice
I would understand my love
I would make sense of my past
I would ground myself in my present
I would see my future
I would know my path

I did all of this and more
What is more?
You
Unexpected, welcome, loved
You have added to all of the above
Enhanced what it is
Combined the past dreams with the current paths
Made full bodied my ideas
Brought things full circle in life

Now it is five months till the tin can and I part ways
I have two goals while here
Make money and do the outlines
All my goals are post floating can
All my goals involve you and us in space together
They are my future

But in the future my mind and heart lay
They are not here for the present
Something I must find
I need to live today
But I find it difficult

When I set sail
It was with the plan
To gain understanding
To remain grounded
To solidify all things found outside the box
It would be wonderful and easy
In my spare time outlines would grow
In my daily life money made
Some challenge in distance but acceptable

It is nothing like that
I am making my money
I have found the time and begin outlining on a set date
For the rest I feel guilt
(Maybe too strong a word, but it has to do)
Responsible, that is a better choice
Responsible for the distance, which is much harder than I could have imagined
Responsible for not being present for the big things
(there has been so much, houses, hospitals, kennels, courts)
Responsible for the little things
(there has been so much, football, long days at work, stormy nights, drunk moments…)

You will not lose me
I will not lose you
But in distance you feel a bit like Polka Roo
Existent but when will I be in the same room at the same time as you?
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, to this I can attest
I want it to grow though and it feels like it cannot from here
There is a bit of a pause, an on hold, while I float
Walls are more complicated to climb
Sometimes, emails and phone are not the means to discuss what is on our minds
I want to be present but I cannot

Did I make the right choice?
Did I find the correct point of grounding?
I could not see any other solution
It seemed to make so much sense
But now it is something that feels wrong
My mind seeks for ways out, but it seems a long shot

It is five months
In the scope of life not that far or long
Will you wait for me?
Will you deal with this with me?
I know the answer is yes
But I don’t have to be excited about the wait till we get there

Miami

I have a conference
Will you meet me there?
I am not sure if it is a good idea?
You are under so much stress, so many things happening
I am thinking of you
You agree
I feel good to deal with costs (it is a nice change for me, exciting)
We are set

Are you sure I should come? You say
Your schedule is so heavy.
You are thinking of me
It feels nice to know you think that way

I believe you should come
If even just for the point of an escape and ten minutes with me
I pick you up at the airport
We have a great room
The night is wonderful
And off work I go
I get out of the evening
We have the pool and a swim
We order in and get some wine
The shower is cut short and worth it
We talk take photos and watch some film
We crawl into bed and fatigue is my enemy

We will survive
The morning is ours
Fatigue is your enemy
Did you enjoy your time?
Are you glad you came?
I think you did
At least you had one full day, without a stress or care in the world

We still love
But we must part once again
Your pillow is wet
Our hearts are heavy
I can feel the walls of protection between us
I don’t like them but I understand them
One more time that we will part like this
Then we will travel home together

No more walls
Learning new communication
Learning to live with each other
Me finding my footing
So that I don’t have to leave again
The future we know what we want
It is ours to grasp and I am half way there

Words

Words September 17 2008 2:00 pm

I miss you, I love you, I want you, I need you
Words that no longer have any meaning to me
They are important words but they no longer express how I feel
The words themselves have impacting meaning
But it is not enough
These words fall short of my true emotions
They are not enough to express how I feel inside
I say them but they are only a drop in the universe of my emotional pool
I have tried, I have thought, I have meditated for the expression that encompasses my feelings
I have not found it.
These words I will continue to use because they are all I have
But they fall so short
There are not enough words in the human language to touch on the depth of my feeling
There are not enough expressions in the universe to explain what I feel
Do you understand what you mean to me?
To take away my voice my action and leave me with nothing to express?
You are everything.

Toothache

I am in the airport in Cozumel Mexico
Waiting for my flight with two hours to kill
I forgot to ask the cabbie for a receipt so that is some money I won’t get back
With my little bit of upset I remember
“It is a foreign country, you are not fully thinking you are observing. You are taking in a lot of information.”
Right a bit of overload so things slip out.
My watchful self, my natural defense and fear on guard, so that I don’t get taken for a ride.
Thus I forgot.
This moment of reflection reminds me of my tooth.
Two weeks ago I was here, with the ship and I had to go to the dentist.
I was told when hired that I would be taken care of for all medical items
That was not true.

“Yes you need a filling. Get of in Mexico, we will approve it, grab a taxi and go to a dentist, well go to this dentist who we will call for you in advance. Everything at your expense”

The day of the doctor had not confirmed the appointment, no one knew if I would be seen, not sure how long it would take so I could miss the ship, no on to transport me, no address for the office, no money for taxi compensation.

I was scared, nervous and upset.
Where am I going, who knows this dentist, how far away, what if something is wrong with the tooth and they have to do emergency root canal, who do I call?
Off the ship I get into a taxi, with all my nightmare’s running through my mind.

Obviously, not an issue I am typing right now
But still, for a big company to treat me without thought, without living up to their hiring word, is tragic and sad.

New Doors

So I have been nervous a bit.
Transition to the States
A new life
A wonderful and forever romance that makes me smile
But what do I do, how do I survive if my career does not "pop"
Today some doors opened to say pursue my coach my teacher
So I started and it feels good.
I know the acting will rise soon enough
But the space between will take me in as a coach
When I needed to leave it all started with an internet search and an email
So I begin again
Being a Capricorn and preparing so I land on my feet.

Vision

In my mind’s eye I see you sitting there
It is dusk and a small amount of light filters through the windows
At your feet are the dogs, lazing around, wishing for scraps\
You are at the kitchen table
Looking out the back door at nothing
One leg is tucked under the other drawn up to your chest
Loosely held in your hand is a piece of toast
(an inappropriate but suitable dinner)
Your head is tilted to the right and you are thinking
Thinking of me and the distance
Thinking of the recent stresses
Thinking of new homes and old homes
Thinking of love and its fruition (in time)

I am sitting at a table
In this crowded place I am one of three right now
I eat carefully, enjoying my moments reprieve
Relishing the break
When your vision hits me

I feel your sorrow, your longing, your loss, your want
They are the same things I feel
And only can we say soon