Response?

I keep hoping for a response

I don't want to have to escalate

Hoping you can at least be civil

Then for all of that

Fear of moving on

Because I loved once

And got crushed

Just wish sometimes I could wake up

Realize it was a bad dream

Give you a kiss and make you cheese toast after taking dogs out

I know

You don't want that

Neither do I really

But it was nice

I hope you can come around to a civil place

So I don't have to escalate

The Letter

Today I sent the letter

A final piece that says all that remains is money

I knew this but putting action to things is another story

It hurts

I took a look at a photo of us from two years ago

How could I misjudge your character so much?

Apples

What makes it hard to post?

Your posts make me feel human

Not alone

So much time since you first commented on something I wrote

I think of you

I follow

I wonder if you are okay?

Do we heal?

Yes

We have to allow ourselves too.

A Good Day

I had the day off

Highly unusual

I planned to spend the day cooking one of my favorite meals

(it takes 7 hours plus prep to do it up right)

So last night I started the prep

Opened the wine

Rented the movies

You came over

And that is a good thing

We talked we watched we played

You went home and left me till supper

I got up early

began the cooking

I cleaned

I did homework (I drank)

I stretched and relaxed

You came over

We ate the feast

We watched movies

and you had to go

Coat on

Ready to leave

But you won't stop touching, playing

Then we are in my room

Clothes on the floor

And so it begins

You are not her

No one ever will be

I enjoy you

the haunting of the past left

but am I ready?

Haunting

You continue to haunt me

Show up in my mind regularly

I think it is tragic

But slowly bit by bit you influence me less

The last thing you did, I am aware of it, really turned me off

I am in the final state of action

I move forward

I see others now

Even had girlfriends

But I have not found the feeling I want

It is nice to spend time

To share

But it sits in the feeling that will solidify everything

It will be found?

On love

Just saw Barney's Version with Paul Giamatti,

My new favourite film

I am and always have been a romantic at heart

Someone who believes in love and all the trappings of it.

No I don't buy into Hollywood because they always paint a pretty picture

It is the stuff fairy tales are made of

and YES love should be like that but it is also routine, conflict, challenge,

The stuff that Hollywood does not show us

Every now and again I see a film that captures the true spirit of love in my mind

When Harry Met Sally was the first

Contact was the second

and now Barney's Version.

We see people work for it, find it, live it, and deal with it in all its forms

It is what I will one day share, I hope with someone

Barney says to his love

"I am just going to keep talking here because I am afraid if I stop, there will be that pause, that moment, the silence and you are going to say "it's getting late" or "I need to go" and I don't ever want that to happen, ever."

He turns to look at her, they stop, she replies

"There it is, that silence, I'm still here"

To have you still here, who ever you are, even after you see my worst

A dream, to dream beyond all dreams.

Emptiness

I did an audition tonight

It was a really good audition

I am being considered for a role

In a non-union/non-paying production

It is a prominent show and the role would be good on the resume

but it made me feel empty

I fell into a generation where talents were not recognized

where established individuals were doing entry level work

where a beginner had greater challenges standing out and building

As it goes I was good enough to get my union status

but not good enough to compete when I got them

so my resume still is unrecognized

and here I am fighting to get permission from the union

to do a non union show

so my resume will grow

and it will cost me time and money away from work to do it

disheartening

Apples

Where are you?

Where have you been?

How are you?

I wonder

Never knowing you

But thinking of you

Be safe.

Inner Tears

Just saw a movie called Defendor

Simple movie

Simple idea

A simple man who is mentally challenged or slow or not all there

Fantasizes and actualizes becoming super hero

Nothing special about him

He just dresses up and goes out to get bad guys

Because of his challenges his view on the world is different black and white

So he is set on one goal and only that goal

He falls in love and he has emotions

He gets hurt and he falls down

Can a simpleton save the world?

Or does it just take one man with the courage to stand up to another

Justly to start the chain of events that change our space?

It is not Hollywood in this movie and as it came to a close

I found myself with a tear on my cheek

Confusion

Some days are good.

Some are bad

Today a day where I think

Why did I even try?

Why did I not have the strength to say goodbye with the first sign?

Why and why and why?

Others say I am good?

I agree.

So really why did I do this to me?

The Hurt Locker

Jeremy Renner says

"when you are as old as me, you find you love only a few things

maybe it is just one thing"

And then they cut to him going back to the field, cut to him in his bomb suit.

He expresses he loves nothing but his work. Surface.

A look at the movie and his actions show that he is suicidal, looking to die

He is a looking for his suicide bomb

He loves his adrenaline, it is a drug, he loves his death because he needs escape

How can people get so cold that they lose the love they have the love that creates life in babies and leads to commitments like marriage?

How can we do what we do that pushes all that away?

Head Kick

I wrote to communicate about the debt owing

From you to me

Silence for a year of course nothing remains

But money

I have been civil and trusting that this will/can be

Resolved between us with out a court of law

Your email is no longer active, nor is your phone

So you have run

I believe that one day I will hear from you but I would like to know when

I have sent snail mail

We will see....