Notes on an uncertain future

I have fallen in love
There is no doubt or question in my mind, heart or soul on this simple fact
Simple, love I must admit that it is, you feel and you act
Difficult is making all the aspects around this wonderful feeling come together
Love allows us the ability to face these things head on and not look back
It does not take the challenges away, we just choose to face them differently

Love has brought to life interesting challenges
I want to spend my life with her so these challenges are things I want to accomplish
They are not a burden but the outcome and the bringing them to life is uncertain
I want to be a actor, one that survives on this craft
I want to be able to supply income to a family
I want to be able to retire and spend a relaxing post career life
I want to be able to spend quality time with my love
I want to experience life through travel and adventure
I want to take time to climb to breathe and to be calm

None of these goals are different today than they were the day before I fell in love
They now just include my love
My concern sits in this, the uncertain future
I have spent ten solid years working to achieve the above
I have given ten solid years of life living and scraping to get the goals above
Today I feel only a little closer to the above goals

I still do not know how to achieve all that I want in the career that I want
I have a plan but my plans have collapsed on me before
I have direction but I have lost that direction before
I have an aim, I have missed the mark more than once
My goals if I fall no longer effect just me and failure well makes it more challenging to be with my love

Nothing is impossible
I know that I am supported, for what feels like the first time in my life, by her
I know that I no longer face these challenges alone that we are two not one
There is an aspect that does not want to lean
And yet the reality is I can only lean so much, I am the one who needs to make my career, she can only support that specific
In my soul I feel fine, in my logic I feel fear, the imbalance is daunting

So I look forward right now today
At some wonderful possibilities, things that in fruition will make everything above easily possibly
I wonder if they do not come to be what do I do next and I shake inside
I take a deep breath and fall back to my immediate plan
I breathe and think this path is only slightly less risk
I quiver with a tremble of fear

I breathe and soak it in
I am an artist
I am a craftsman
I am a man with determination
Stopping on this path would crush my soul
I have tried to do so before
There feels like there is only this
So I put on my game face and move forward

I look at those who I see successful
I see that their success was step by step
Each step building on each plan
I look at me and see each step
They lead to their own individual things
And I started the journey again?
I feel not so much on step one this time
I have done this before, I have more experience, I have drive within me this time
The last bit garnished new things
They lead me to trust my soul
In trusting my soul I accomplished things to relieve stress and face things from within
In trusting I fell in love
A great big breath, tremors and nerves wrack it, I breathe it out and hold the droplets in my eyes
I trust and take one more step

Rain

So it rained soothing sounds all night. I went to bed shortly after we got off the phone. I awoke to the sound of soothing rain, almost as nice as waking beside you on a day when we have nothing to do. I think to me what to say this early in the morning, that has not been said one million times. What can I let you know that is different or new, exciting or fresh. Weird there are things to say but so incidental from this perspective of email, yet in person they are little things/questions like where are you going for your breakfast meeting? They are topics of conversation that keep us fueled and connected. They are questions that ask when can I see you and spend my time with you? When will you be here by my side so I can make love to you and languish in your beauty? Soak you up and taste your skin as we delve closer to each others being.