Monday, April 28, 2008

Overwhelmed

You just left
after 3 days of wonderment
It will be another 6 weeks before I see you
6 weeks and we are already planning it

I do not know any emotion right now
other than overwhelmed
I want you here or I there
I want to continue learning, laughing and holding
I see obstacles which I know can be overcome
They will require sacrafice and change

You offer support for what I want
and willingness for the future
Things will work we are of like mind
There will be a challenge but it will be taken up

I miss you but it is too soon to say that
I like you
I like you a lot
I like you more than a lot
I am overwhelmed

Thursday, April 24, 2008

I am Selfish

I have my wine, my movie, my note pad
I sit in my room and do my own thing
Everyone else is off to party
I know what I need and I take care of it

I get up in the morning
Go to the gym
Eat my breakfast and organize my day
Everyone else is just arranging right now
I know what I need and I take care of it

I do my own thing and look after me first
I think I am selfish for that act
It allows me the chance to achieve things
Feel good about myself and have a level of organization
I think I am selfish for it

Everyone else seems to plan as things arrive
They see a group and plan for the group and follow
They are more social but accomplish little for themselves
They seem to have more fun but do not know where they are going

It is two different ways of living
Is one right?

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Entwined

I am overwhelmed
The emotions run heavy on me
It is you on my mind
You cannot be here
Nor I there
But we want it to be different

In my mind all the possibilities have come and gone
They all end the same
With us entwined

Am I crazy?
I know I am but I do not care.
The criticisms are immense
That I move to quick, that I trust to quick
That I give too much, that I take too little
But I have always believed
That if one is to love then all caution must be let go
A wise man said "you must give fully. To where you are most vulnerable; if you cannot give your all to the scariest place, then you cannot love, for love is giving all."

I look back at reservation and see my downfall
I look back at hesitation and see my downfall
I look back at moments held back and see my downfall

Now with seemingly impossible obstacles in place I give my all
For I want this to work
I want to awake entwined with you
You share the same feeling
I am overwhelmed with the thought
I fear that it is premature but...
I choose to throw caution to the wind
for I choose love by being vulnerable

Obstacles can be overcome when you know the fear
When I know yours
We are overwhelmed but choose to move with it
Entwined

Boredom

I had a frustrating morning
They happen
I don't work till late
Which is great
I already did my regular things
Now I don't know what to do
Go to the beach
Maybe
Explore
Requires a lot of energy
I will be doing these things on Saturday
So maybe today is just a day to rest

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Anger

People walking down the stairs
They all want to go to the same location
To enjoy another vacation day
Why do such little things get them mad?
Why do they seek anger to express?
If you do not enjoy the company you keep
Change your company.
I see it so often,
These families,
For whatever reason,
Together for the wrong reason,
Without the courage to change the situation,
So they feel stuck,
Hatred builds,
Each day becomes an angry expression of...
How much they want to leave.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Coming

4 Days
that is all it is and then..
you are here
are we this crazy?
of course we are
I say it with relish and glee
nerves...
they exist
I do not concern myself with them
everything will explain itself as it goes
time will tell...
for now excitement, butterflies and joy
4 days and you are coming

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Beach and You

I am jogging again
The day is perfect
Warm but not hot
Breezy and cool
My feet hit the pavement
Music pounding in my ears
I hear my breath
Feel my chest rising and falling
I am focussed
Slowly the images around me work into my consciousness
Brief glimpes of smiling faces
And I am reminded of you
My focus taken away as I think of you beside me
Moving with me
Traveling together
Breathing
Gasping for more air as we build speed
Racing for the finish line
Coming to a stop and staring into each other
On the beach

I'm Sleeping Here

"Pardon?"
"I know you won't take advantage of me"
"What?"
"Everyone else just tries to have sex with me, I'm sleeping here."

She brushes past, there is no discussion
Drunk, young, insecure and looking for protection.

It still makes me wonder.
What does it say about me?

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Broken Days

Shaving in front of the mirror
Preparing for work
The hour strikes me
It is late
I am not doing what millions of others do
Systematically, robotically routinely
Shaving at the same time as yesterday, and the day before and...etc
My days are broken,
Today I do this
Tomorrow that
The next is a surprise
My times are all out of whack
Shaving at night in the morning in the afternoon, sometimes not at all.
I sleep when there is time where there is a moment
I party till I fall down
I arrive for work without a qualm
Each day is unique, some structure, but not enough to be consistent
It is this broken day that I crave
This discombobulated run that lets me be different
My job is not a rut and would be hard pressed to become one
So in not being that it is fresh road daily
And that I am fortunate to have in order to say happy
In order to enjoy life.

Sea Day (Emotion Day)

I want to run and tell you
But I can't
I have to stay right here to attend to the unknown duty (wait for the call)
So I will tell you as soon as I can
It means more work today
But a bigger party tonight
As I get ready I catch myself wishing
That you were here
What does this mean?
That I don't know much about you
That is no longer true
I have read and we have talked
We hold similar goals and philosophies
That is enough for now
I understand my wants and desires
They seem premature but I let them run
for success only comes from dreams
These dreams include you.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Lost Riley Goodwin

There is an image in my head
People running about laughing, squealing having a good time
It feels mocking
Painful
In her shoes what would I do
Twelve
Amongst all these people
In a strange/not so strange place
Alone
Where would I go?
Who would I turn to?

I feel her pain
Her anguish
The tears in her eyes evict tears from within my soul
Selfishly I recognize I am alive, my passion exists
And then I see her
Feel her in real time
And it hurts, it tears down to the bone and I want to break down and scream
Where are you why did you leave me
They say it will be fine
Who are they?
I don't know you?
Never talk to strangers

From the pit of my chest I wonder
What would it be like to truly be abandoned
I cannot get past the anguish
The question itself is enough to crush the breath from me
I hurt and see her sad face

Where would I go?
Who would I turn to?
A kind face in the crowd takes me to another stranger
His tone is kind
They say it is okay
I have no choice
I sit, I wait, they made an announcement over the loud thing
Mom Dad where are you?
I cry

As they round the corner
The corners of the mouth turn up
The tears stop flowing
I smile
They are here I am safe
Not abandoned or alone.

(experienced April 5, 2008 when helping Riley find her parents)

Friday, April 4, 2008

Work

Am I really that different?
Are my ethics so far gone/advanced/beneath everyone else?
Is is that hard to do what I was hired for?

I think not, but then all the signs around me say that I am.
I walk into the room and well all the supplies are in disarray
(they weren't when I left them)
I go to get the cards and all the sequences are messed up
(I just put them in sequence. We have to for record keeping)
I open the box and the tools for the job are only half there
(I filled these boxes two days ago)
I get to the gangway, no signs or barriers
(On my day they were there)

I wonder why there is the difference.
I do not do the brackets to be special
But because my manager said these were the job responsibilities
Alone in filling my job
I wonder if I am over doing it
Or if everyone just does not care and only thinks about themselves.

It would be nice to meet people who fulfilled the job all the way to completion.

Jogging on the Beach

The sun is warm
Beating on my skin
Keeping me very warm hot
I start off on the tourist road
Shops and hustle and bustle
Walking quickly to get the bones and muscles working
I round the bend and drop into a light trot
In my ears some music I want to hear
A beat beat beat that will help me keep pace
I get to the end of the parking lot and pick up the pace
My shirt comes off and I begin to move
Faster, hotter, faster, hotter
My mouth is dry but it feels great to be outside
No treadmill today
I jog
On my right all the pretty people laying on the sand
Tanning and absorbing
I look beyond that to the crystal blue waters of the Bahamas
They are gorgeous, the most amazing colour I have ever seen
I breathe it in
For as much as it is a very hot day a beautiful breeze comes off the ocean
The breeze cools the sweat on my torso and gives me the push to carry on
Jogging on the beach, feeling the heat, feeling the breeze
I am free