Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Karaoke Hell
Yes this is New Years 2008
The ship is so grand
The drunks have left and so have the ladies
I am a babysitter for the British family
Please go home
Nope the kids want to sing
Another one by....
I keep zoning out
I keep drifting
I am thinking of you and how much I miss you
How much I want you
How much I don't want to be here
I think of you with friends in Jacksonville
Staying with at least people you can talk too
I want you hold you
I want a new years kiss
I want I want I want
Am I deserving
I seem to be not able to hold it together
Thus I float on the ocean
I believe I can solve with you. with me as a team
I love only you
Karaoke Hell, New Year's 2008 made better by
A shot of Jack and a splash of ginger to numb the pain
I wish it would numb the missing and longing
At least I can't hear the kids anymore.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Tired
My energy for this is really gone
Yes it is fun but it is not my life
You are my life
You are my love
You are not here
When I was single I could do this
But now I just want to start my life with you
The distance hurts my soul, it hurts us
I want to get past this fatigue and be energized by us
I don't want these external things that get in our way
Questions and ifs that if the distance did not exist we would not even think about
This is about us
But right now it is about us and a distance
I don't like three people in my relationship
I am tired of it
Two months more. Arrrgh!
Friday, December 26, 2008
Tears
I have been the source of it and known it
I have worked to overcome your tears
But the last time was different
You were hurt, not by us but by circumstance
You should not be
I wanted to reach through the phone
I should be there but I am not
My life choices in conflict with each other
To be with you but to do so without being a burden
Something we both want
I face many things
Challenges, opportunities whatever we call them
But right now they are all outweighed by just being able to be with you
I don't want to hear you cry, or be upset,
Not that I want it hidden from me, I just don't ever want you to feel that way
Right now my distance is the source of those tears and I work to absolve both
No more Christmases alone, no more alone
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Christmas Day
I should be with you
No I should be home but you should be with me
I should be in your arms
I should be talking to you
Making cookies with you
being wine party worthy with you
But I am on a ship
It leads to a question
What am I doing with my life?
I should be with you.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Late night club
I want one beer and the rythym
I want to feel my body move to the beat of the music
It is so packed if there is a fire we will all die,
I don't care and I work my way into the crowd
My beer in hand I begin to move
The heat is intense
It is a meat market for sure
People holed up on ships, crew only crew,
This is there chance to cut loose and be stupid
Tits and ass are everywhere
I see guys falling over anyone who will let them
I see it but I do not take it in
I keep looking but not at that
I keep searching for you
Diligently looking even though I know you are not coming
I keep hoping that I will find you
I want you and only you
I want to feel just your body
I want your breath on my neck
Your lips on mine
You tonge to fight with mine,
I want your hands on me
I want to touch the five spots and take you in
I want to grind with you and explore our bodies like this but it must be yours
I want only you
So all around me is the chaos of the sexual energy
But I am impervious to it because my energy is on you
There is not one person who could break it for my energy is on you
As I move I realize to myself how special you truly are
How much I have chose to give you
How much I am linked to you
For in this environment, the one of threat, I know nothing can shake me
Nothing can pull me away
Nothing can convince me otherwise
To do something to take me away from you
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Different
I felt it but did not understand
I pleaded for explanation and sat impatiently waiting
It finally came
Change, I was crushed, my heart in pieces on the floor
I raced to try and save someone I had lost
More valuable than a wallet, or an heirloom, or any priceless thing
This was a life attached to me, one I chose to let in,
One I chose to let grow with me
Torn from my flesh, my ribs, my heart, exposing my broken carcass to the harsh element called life
Days went by and something changed
I felt it but only had an inkling of understanding
There was something there in my soul worth working with
Something you were willing to open up to and try with again
I worked to try and save us, give, be open, communicate
But it did not feel right
Something was missing, something we had
It was hard, I knew it required time, so I did not give up
Neither did you
More days passed and something changed
I felt it and believed I gained some knowledge
There was a ray of hope, an offering to help us proceed
Something you were able to communicate that I clearly understood
I stopped working and began to breathe
It was difficult but you were worth it
Weeks went by and something changed
I felt it but knew I was confused
Our growth felt stilted, hazy and weak
I feared it was irreparable, that you were gone or going
Nothing I could do would work
But I stayed, it would take time if I was wrong
I learned something and carried on
I put all my trust on the line and ripped open my soul
Lying naked on the ground for you to step on if you chose
Days went by and something changed
I felt it and knew I had grown
I had bared myself and found things I could have never conceived
I reached new depths of honesty and love and had you to thank
I looked back to you and saw that you were with me
Days went by and something changed
I felt it and hurt to hear it
Those things I have done
Cut very very deep
Nothing done to hurt
Nothing done at all
In action choices poorly made
Foundations cracked to the core
Scared that what I learned came to late
Today went by and something changed
Something different
Different good, different great
Something subtle, a change in tone,
A little more you
A little more me
A little more us
Today want by and something changed
I felt it and we will be okay
Love is an amazing thing
Monday, December 15, 2008
Ship
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Emotions
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Last night...future
I want
To be able to communicate and be understood
I spoke with my mother tonight and got in trouble for not saying something earlier
Something which I had told her about earlier
I guess the communication problem is mine, I remain the only common factor
If I could communicate clearer I would not be sitting here writing this today
Different words would have been used, or clearer phrases would have happened
Something would be different in the way I expressed and this would not be what it is
It will be alright but I wonder why this has to happen to get there
Why I fall short
What I don’t understand in communication
I discovered yesterday that my mother’s lack of happiness rides on words I spoke years ago
Words which in the way I communicated came across to effect a decision that left her perpetually unhappy to this day
I did not say what she expresses she heard but obviously the way I communicate
I cannot help but feel that my communication is the source of everything in the end
I work to be clear but then I guess I say too much
I honestly don’t know
A picture is worth a thousand words
I believe a touch is worth more
I want to be near
I don’t want to be going away again
Had I communicated differently I may never have left
I found out today that my financial position effects my mother’s piece of mind
For I still have things here, when she feels cluttered it aggravates her
I keep extrapolating out from this simple place
I hear versions of it in the past and see it in the present
I want to have answers
I want to have something solid to go on
Not a wing and a prayer
I want to breathe and be relaxed all the time
I want to be a stress release not a stress inducer
I want to be sought after not run away from
I want to help the situations around me but cannot
I understood tonight why financial strain sits so heavily with me
I was brought up with a few simple words: “If only we had money”, “If I just had..”
I want to not say those words myself
I follow my heart in everything I do
But I am a Capricorn
So when my heart begins to lead my head weighs every avenue to justify my heart
My heart needs no justification
I learned years ago that justification kills
I learned only recently how to just follow my heart
I give everything that is in there, inside my heart
Everything that I am is in the open
Vulnerable to you
I follow my heart in everything I do
I look back on life, my life and see my heart lead
My head justifying, my dreams being pursued safely
It has done me nothing
I have lived well but alone
I want to stop being alone
I want to feel stable
I want to be able to experience life in a different light
I want to do it with you
I want to reach my dreams but am not sure how to do both
One step at a time and breathe
I want the step to be safe
I let my heart guide
I breathe and trust
I want to get through this
I want to feel your breathe on my neck, and us wrapped in each other
I want to share in love and not concerns of when but now
I want to be there
I want to understand everything unspoken
I want to know what is going on inside
I want to be able to read minds for then maybe my communication would be better
and half the things I face would be avoided
I want to fix what I have broken
I want to make my mother happy
I want to see smiles and love again
I want a lot of things and it makes me smile with an ironic grin
because in the end I want nothing but happiness for those I love