Thursday, February 24, 2011

Lifted W(eigh)aits

I notice in the past few weeks since contact
That my shoulders sit lower
The pain in my low back has subsided
I sleep better and so on.

I am able to look at her in a different light
See forward progression and give a bit more
There is no more skeleton standing in my closet
It is dealt with

This means I can look at the space in this moment
And those moving forward
Without weight on my shoulders
And claim it.

I don't have to look backwards and hope that one day will come.
One day does come but it is on a new road.
There are still hurts
But they are easier to let go
In order to make new joys with someone new
With myself

I wish I did not focus so much on the past
but I do
That moment is complete for me now
The wait is over
The weight is lifted
and now we see what the future moments hold


So time has gone by
almost two years
You finally contacted me
Some civil emails regarding money
An agreement made
and come the new month payments to follow

After all that was put in
time across countries
opening of hearts and minds
all that remains is a few payments

What a fucked up world we live in
That two people willing to share their life together
Cannot find the decency to, at the least,
Express why it stopped working

I tried
No response
Time to move forward
Payments close the past
Truly it makes me sick

Friday, January 21, 2011


So after almost two years you have contacted me.
Aside from the comment of feeling harassed it was a clear email
Clear in the way you once communicated with me
Straight forward, without doubt or question
Goals are clearly laid out and I know what to do with it

It of course deals with the money
Our final closure
It is a nice thing
A surprising weight feels as though it has been lifted

However, it leaves me with thoughts and question
It is obvious that you are now this clear (and this is known already)
That you have moved on, there is no need to banter or hide
There is a shift back to the clear headed you leaving me in the dust

But I question, where was this clarity when it all started to fall apart
Why could you not have expressed with clarity your confusion
and what you wanted to do about - even if that was to be left alone?
I question, why did you need to string me along?
Why not face the reality and share the truth?
Did you have to drag it out and hide?
Could we not have solved this so much earlier?

and so the questions go.
Answers never to come.
But at least I have the solace of this clearing up
A point of light at the end of a tunnel that says
"Very soon I will no longer need to question, the weight is gone!"

It is sad solace looking back on the fact that I wanted to marry you
But it is solace none the less.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


I keep hoping for a response
I don't want to have to escalate
Hoping you can at least be civil

Then for all of that
Fear of moving on
Because I loved once
And got crushed

Just wish sometimes I could wake up
Realize it was a bad dream
Give you a kiss and make you cheese toast after taking dogs out

I know
You don't want that
Neither do I really
But it was nice

I hope you can come around to a civil place
So I don't have to escalate

Thursday, October 28, 2010

The Letter

Today I sent the letter
A final piece that says all that remains is money
I knew this but putting action to things is another story
It hurts
I took a look at a photo of us from two years ago
How could I misjudge your character so much?

Monday, October 18, 2010


What makes it hard to post?
Your posts make me feel human
Not alone
So much time since you first commented on something I wrote
I think of you
I follow
I wonder if you are okay?
Do we heal?
We have to allow ourselves too.

A Good Day

I had the day off
Highly unusual
I planned to spend the day cooking one of my favorite meals
(it takes 7 hours plus prep to do it up right)
So last night I started the prep
Opened the wine
Rented the movies

You came over
And that is a good thing
We talked we watched we played

You went home and left me till supper
I got up early
began the cooking
I cleaned
I did homework (I drank)
I stretched and relaxed
You came over
We ate the feast
We watched movies
and you had to go

Coat on
Ready to leave
But you won't stop touching, playing
Then we are in my room
Clothes on the floor
And so it begins

You are not her
No one ever will be
I enjoy you
the haunting of the past left
but am I ready?

Friday, October 15, 2010


You continue to haunt me
Show up in my mind regularly
I think it is tragic
But slowly bit by bit you influence me less
The last thing you did, I am aware of it, really turned me off
I am in the final state of action

I move forward
I see others now
Even had girlfriends
But I have not found the feeling I want

It is nice to spend time
To share
But it sits in the feeling that will solidify everything

It will be found?

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

On love

Just saw Barney's Version with Paul Giamatti,
My new favourite film

I am and always have been a romantic at heart
Someone who believes in love and all the trappings of it.
No I don't buy into Hollywood because they always paint a pretty picture
It is the stuff fairy tales are made of
and YES love should be like that but it is also routine, conflict, challenge,
The stuff that Hollywood does not show us

Every now and again I see a film that captures the true spirit of love in my mind
When Harry Met Sally was the first
Contact was the second
and now Barney's Version.

We see people work for it, find it, live it, and deal with it in all its forms
It is what I will one day share, I hope with someone
Barney says to his love
"I am just going to keep talking here because I am afraid if I stop, there will be that pause, that moment, the silence and you are going to say "it's getting late" or "I need to go" and I don't ever want that to happen, ever."
He turns to look at her, they stop, she replies
"There it is, that silence, I'm still here"

To have you still here, who ever you are, even after you see my worst
A dream, to dream beyond all dreams.

Monday, September 13, 2010


I did an audition tonight
It was a really good audition
I am being considered for a role
In a non-union/non-paying production

It is a prominent show and the role would be good on the resume
but it made me feel empty
I fell into a generation where talents were not recognized
where established individuals were doing entry level work
where a beginner had greater challenges standing out and building

As it goes I was good enough to get my union status
but not good enough to compete when I got them
so my resume still is unrecognized

and here I am fighting to get permission from the union
to do a non union show
so my resume will grow
and it will cost me time and money away from work to do it


Saturday, September 4, 2010


Where are you?
Where have you been?
How are you?
I wonder
Never knowing you
But thinking of you
Be safe.

Inner Tears

Just saw a movie called Defendor
Simple movie
Simple idea
A simple man who is mentally challenged or slow or not all there
Fantasizes and actualizes becoming super hero
Nothing special about him
He just dresses up and goes out to get bad guys

Because of his challenges his view on the world is different black and white
So he is set on one goal and only that goal
He falls in love and he has emotions
He gets hurt and he falls down

Can a simpleton save the world?
Or does it just take one man with the courage to stand up to another
Justly to start the chain of events that change our space?

It is not Hollywood in this movie and as it came to a close
I found myself with a tear on my cheek