Alone

I am here in this bubble
This space away from the reality of the world I once new
I know not a soul but I spend time with many
My mind is open but my business keeps me outside of my head

Many things sink in here but I have no time to understand them
I no longer require the same things I used to and many things I want...
Well they seem so inappropriate here or out of place
So I accept that they will come when they need to

For now I am in a place that I need/want
I think of people and I miss people and I want people
So many things I left unfinished
Yet, as selfish as this may seem,
I want none of it
These moments here in this bubble
Are the moments which are setting me outside of my patterns
Breaking down my habits which held me in place and kept me
Reaching rather than attaining

For those who are still with me when I step out of the bubble
They will hold what I hold
But I will not need them to hold me up
I will hold myself up and invite them to come along

This is an interesting journey this one
Where I learn of myself and my quiet space
There is a spot in me for me,
and although there will always be space for my freinds and family
There may not be a sacrifice of myself for them

Each person needs to stand unto themself
Each person needs to be surrounded by those who can that
So that each person can choose when to truly reach out and give
As well as recieve the support we need
For as much as we stand unto ourselves
We are not islands

My heart holds love for myself right now
And I am enjoying finding me.

Changes

Nine days ago everything was different
I was stuck, I was stagnant
I had interesting relationships
I had potential that could not be touched
I was afraid I was excited
Nine days ago everything was different

In nine days I have realized I am who I am
I will never mingle the way I expect from TV
I accept that
I am free to be myself
I catch myself seeking approval and validation
I catch myself walking away from it actively

I am my own individual self
I do not need anyone to tell me who I am
I run into problems and I want to call
I catch myself stopping and looking for the answers myself

At one time long ago people would call me Cassanova
I realize I am not that
I am nervous of approaching women I am nervous of doing something wrong
I accept that

I accept that I am who I am
For nine days I have smiled and laughed
There have been moments that things feel overwhelming
But they are okay
There are moments where I just love life

Tonight I looked up at the stars
They are beautiful
Tonight I felt how small I was as I looked at the ocean
I am okay with that
Tonight I reveled in the moon
Tonight I was called crazy and I am
The reality is I am who I am
And fuck you if you don't accept it
For I do

There is a space between making this statement and fully accepting it
But that space is this journey
To take myself as I am today is a huge step
It does not need anyone to tell me I am acceptable
For I accept myself

Orlando (not Bloom)

Made it safe
Weather is amazing
Hot tub is hot
I start tomorrow.
I feel pshyched
Big adventure and huge changes.
I am alive.

Leaving

In six hours I am at the airport
It was an interesting departure
Felt weird saying goodbye to my ex, not sure how to take that, it felt cold
The universe will tell me later
It was awesome seeing other friends
We had some good good byes and the smiling supportive faces will stay with me

It was sad to leave you but you know I wil come back
You know we will be stronger and better able to be what we need
I am glad you are there for me
Thank you, special girl

Spent time with old friends and new
Old friends trust I will still be a friend when I return
Wished me luck and hung out like I was not leaving
It was great

New friends were not sure where we go from here
We will go, universe provides, see you soon

Myself, I am excited, and scared, mostly excited
I have no plans
I am off to work and ...
everything unfolds as I find myself

My Passion

Ever since I was a teenager I wanted to act
It is the thing I enjoyed the most
I have pursued it with undying fervor since that first night on stage
There are many years behind me in that pursuit
There are many sacrifices made
There are many tears shed, drops of blood spread

In that pursuit I became tainted
Followed for the wrong reasons
Tried too hard for the wrong outcome
Lied about what I wanted

In admitting this
I accept my flaws
In accepting I am able to see a glimmer of the untainted passion
That brief flickering flame is enough

I look at my recent past
I assess my current journey
and I understand that everything I am doing
Every push I make
Is too discover myself in greater detail
In that discovery I am passionate
In its purest form
I dig, I delve, I sacrifice in order to bring that to life
So that in understanding passion
I may cherish it again, because
I would rather die than settle for something which I am not passionate about

Moulin Rouge

To experience love so strong, so powerful, so intense and passionate
That you would give up your life.
That you would crush your own soul to give freedom to another.
That feeling is the only feeling worth fighting for
To settle for anything less is incomprehensible
And that which has the power to destroy humanity
One soul at a time.

This love is the passion that should drive us in everything we do
So that every waking second of life is filled with the fullness of life
In being full it bounds with joy

I cannot settle in any aspect of life
I would rather die
In searching I only want to hear three words
but those words must be filled with the
Unsettling Passion.

Alone

I didn't realize taking this job was touching on so many things
Yes I wanted to get away and do some things for myself
Yes I wanted to challenge me but I had no idea it would hit this deep

I fear being alone
It is why broken relationships are hard
Now I realize that making these choices are challenging that fear

I fear being incapacitated by health
My health record came back a bit shoddy
Need to get second report
Dealing with that insecurity

I fear situations without gaurantee
Is there ever one?
No, but some things have a feeling of security
My friend of sixteen years, we will grow, we will be different
but on my return I am sure we will move forward
There is one friend I have no gaurantee with
I am facing that uncertainty

Finally, in all of this I never thought that I would choose to actually go alone
Not physically but emotionally
I could never have phathomed that I would make a choice to be alone
As that is my greatest fear
And here I go into unchartered territory with no back up.

I made these choices from a simple premise
I wanted things in my life to change
Living the way I was living could no longer continue
The last relationship was a perfect indication of that
Something good ruined by my stagnation
So I made my choice, it was simple
Get away for a while, change it so much that I couldn't help but be different
It was also an escape
But now I see the universal guide letting me in on so much more
That this ruse for escape was salvation

Yes I am scared
But I have everything I wanted
So that I am different no longer stagnant
It is exciting.

Time to pass a medical exam.

Departure

So I got assigned to my ship today
I leave Dec 9 and return June 15, 2008
Wow

I am super excited, I am scared, I am overwhelmed, I am bouyant and every other emotion I can think of all at the same time

I am also sad
There are moments we won't touch on
I know you offered that acting on this would be selfish of you
That my path was important
I know the same of me to you
So we have been apart but closer
Now the time comes that we will be apart
It saddens me

I cannot predict the future
But I said that this journey would make me more of who I am
Better for me for you
So maybe for us when I return
Time is its own place and cannot be harnessed
Know that we will act in our moments
So that we can live of course
Know that in this moment our separation pulls a piece of sadness from my heart

Compliments

A few posts ago I mentioned how I felt like one of those people in the headshots
Well today while I was ushering a fellow came up to me
"you are chaos right?"
"Yes i am?"
"You auditioned for me three years ago, you are really good"

'Nuff said, I come into my own.
Take my break and the rest is history.

Learning

I came to the realization that I truly know nothing
That all my wisdom is only truly applicable to me
And the question is:
How applicable is it, or how much do I know if I continue to end up in the same spot
The universe is so big
We/I am so small
What I store in my mind is nothing
For all I may know it is infinitesimal compared to what could be known
And as it is all my own experience it has no true bearing for anyone else

I recently watched a friend create some music
One of the most moving pieces I have heard
He created it because he was truly moved in his soul by certain events
The result was this piece of music, his song
I couldn't help but realize
That if I am not creating because of being that moved there is no point
And from that came the idea of how much do I know that I want to share
and then it hit me
I truly know nothing

Why?
He too has been in a similar state of searching/solving/understanding
His wisdom lead him to some personal growth and advanced his position
His growth to the song
I believe the indication of knowledge is the process of growth

Talking

Sitting there, just the two of us
One on one
(the way I seem to communicate)
How many years of friendship between us?
It is a really long time
There is equal value in our relationship
You have grown gained knowledge which I only skim the surface
I have learned more of the practical life
When I share you are able to say give more
But I don't understand, and everytime I do get it you have learned more
You take from me my practical but it does not matter to you
So lost in your knowledge
I want to catch up to you because it will give me peace of mind
As my troubles fall away
You want me to catch up to you so that you don't have to continue picking me up
It hurts you to see me struggle and fall, with so little gain
It hurts me more
You have pointed it out though
The struggle and fall equals so little gain
Others without your knowledge think me brave and courageous for delving
You may see the same but wish I understood a more efficient way
That makes two of us
For all the bravery though there is a point of resignation
How many years have you known me?
How many times have you seen me fall?
How many struggles of similar nature?
How much gain?
The pattern is there and it seems to not go away?
You cannot help
I am who I am, this is how I learn, you try to accept
That for all my push I am still pretty trapped

1am Sushi

Sitting with the boys
It is 1am and we are having sushi after working out
I am laughing and so are they
We have been laughing all night
Since we started the workout and we arrived we have been laughing
It is a moment, a space I am unfamiliar with
Hollywood shows us what friends are supposed to be like
And I never understood it
More moments like 1am sushi and I will

Weather

Today is the first snow storm of the season
Brutal but pretty
Freezing rain which became snow, became rain etc..
I like the beauty of winter, I even enjoy the cold if I am properly bundled
I also enjoy sharing it, frolicking in it, laughing in it.

I woke up knowing what outside looked like
I wanted to be a little kid and run around
I thought of you joining me but you were not here
I wish you were
I wish you were always by my side

Acid

Now this is a drug I have never tried
Due to movies and friends I feel I have an understanding of what a flashback may be like
(but I don't know for sure)
Regardless, I keep getting flashbacks
Of moments in time that were good
But now are gone for good
And due to the association with the person/persons in the flashbacks
I want to stop having them
I am tired of passing a spot and remembering something
With the knowledge that a great moment like that won't exist again
(at least not with that person/persons)

What makes it annoying more than anything is this:
I don't know what/why they started happening
The images (like all my images are vivid) so they effect my mood
I don't want to be effected I have been happy and enjoying life for a while
There is not reason/desire to return to those moments
So why are they occuring in flashback?

Grandfather

I was lying in bed last night
and a moment occurred to almost overwhelm me
not sure where it came from
it doesn't really matter
It was the feeling of missing the wisdom of my grandfather
He was exceptionally wise, and although I know I gained much from him
I shall not be able to ever again do so
It surprised me as it is many years since his death
to be struck by it last night? Hmmm?

Ziploc Baggies and Sunday Afternoons

I woke up smiling
Today I get to see you
Not just a moment but a day
Mid afternoon to whenever

We have plans (which amazed you)
Something we can do together to spend time
Communicate, learn and understand with each other
(I do eat tofu, no zinfandels)

We walk we talk, we TTC we talk
There are moments I get nervous
What do we say, does it matter
I want to know everything
I realize I am still not to good with silence
I try, the day goes on, you say more
I always know you have something in there

It is cold outside
Nice to be in
and when it is done we sit
Ahh the peace to just be near you
Your presence I smile
You share
It is still scary
To go there is so much more
than going there any other time
If only we could have
"a bubble, a ziploc baggie"
to seal, explore, "for two no ten minutes"

Yes that would be great
Until then just doing being living
Respect and we know it
Caution and we know it
Desire and we know it
Yes I get scared
I breathe
I place no pressure on me or you
Time, build, fight for wants, drop needs
Allow ourselves to do something
With consciousness

Symphony

I attended the symphony last night
I understand why this is such a pleasure
Even during the pieces I did not relish
I was relaxed, soothed and coddled by the music
For the pieces I did relish
I was mezmerized by these fifty people working in unison and individually
I was transported to another place by the power of the music
Held aloft by invisible water while I floated on the crescendo of music
Lifted and engaged at the level of my soul

Head Shots

Sitting at work
Calling people at home
In front of me sits a brochure
With head shots of all the personalities across each page
Each face smiles, or even if it does not smile
There is a look of contentment in their eyes
Something about their face which says I am happy
These pictures captured all these people
Expressing an innate truth about their life
They love what they do and smile all the time about it
I am one of these people

SILENCE

I am a talker
I love to talk, to philosophize, to debate
I love sharing on a verbal level
Over the years I have shared without inhibition
Maybe almost without thought

There is so much I want to say now
So many moments that I feel require attention
Moments that should be pinpointed for their poignancy in my/(our) life

But I will never share them with you
You will never here those questions from me
You will not know that thought or that moment

For I have learned that some things need to be dealt with in me
That if you are to get them you will understand them through action
You will bring them up with what you do/or recognize what I do
Some things need to live in silence

Memory

Memories come to my mind so often
Little things trigger them
A place, a smell, a word, a look
I remember both "good" and "bad" things
I find however the "bad" memories are stronger
They stay with me longer,
They are more vivid,
They effect my mood for longer,
What silly things
I want the ones that effect me positively to linger longest
Is it a conscious choice?

SEX

Is it a friend or a foe?
Having it is great
But only with someone which fulfills your needs in it
Not having it sucks
Having it can cause chaos
If your needs are not met or if it has no meaning
Not having it can be great
As it removes confusion of emotion
Is it a friend or foe?

Sunshine

The sky is dark today
But a beam of Sun has broken through
It is pretty and it makes me smile
So many things happen in life
It is always good to remember the little things
Living without regret becasue we end up where we are based on each action we do

situation

so i was in a situation
not bad not good just was what it was
in the middle of it i was caught in an image of you
drawn to you wanting you more than ever
for if the situation involved you it would not be a situation
you would never put me in this place

i took a hot shower

Waking up

Still gets me sometimes.
The lack of a warm body beside me.
The comfort of knowing someone,
in both your happy and dark moments,
will stand beside you as the daylight crests the dark sky.

I guess not having that fully
Is the reason I wake up alone
And until someone offers it fully
It is pointless to chase just for the body

(Although the body does have its advantages)
*Sigh*

What is it?

I just got this job that is going to take me away for travel
The first trek is six months
If I play my cards the right way
Then I shall be gone for up to three years
This is great and I am happy about it.

The key in this though is that my departure date is not set
There could still be up to a year before I leave
So how come the majority of responses that I get from people
Mostly aqquaintance type friends and family
Are based in the nice knowing you
Don't forget us little people
And sorry to have missed you before you left
Responses.

There is lots of time to say hello have a drink and sit down
Does anyone actual listen to what I am telling them about my departure?
Why are so many treating me like I left yesterday?
Wouldn't it make sense to find time to talk instead of sign off?

Fighting

I said a long time ago
That I will no longer fight for those who do not want to be fought for
I stand by that
Everything is a two way street

I think every now and again I still put in a bit more
But as I go through change and look at what was offered
It was not a two way fight
I did not raise my sword
I had no reason too.

I will not now begin to draw when it is not necessary
And I will hold for the people who say struggle with me
The blade is sharpest when used in necessity
The man weilding the blade more precise for having chosen his battle wisely
The outcome more desired

Brighter

I woke up today and the world seemed a little bit brighter
I put in some work, hell a lot of work to change some things
And the work feels progressive
I got hired for a job I want
There is a big project in the works
The universe feels like it is working with me
I feel like I am touching on the things which I truly need and therefore I get closer.

I felt a moment of loss as well
People who are close who cannot get close enough because I am leaving
I guess that change, like everything has two sides to it
Yet for all that in the moment of loss I reminded myself
These changes are the ones I seek so that I am more of me
That these changes sucessfully fulfilled will bring all that much more to me

Ex

I came to a realization the other day
My ex who says she wants to be friends with me treats me like an ex
Can we ever become friends if she does not treat me like a friend?
Will the few times we talk just lead to a slow digression overtime?
I don't know but I will see.
It saddens me because she feels false, right now.
She claimed her intention was to be friends, something we both expressed a want of
In doing so I realized that I had to view her as a friend, it is perspective, friends are treated differently than exes
So if she treats me like an ex is she working on friendship?
I want to believe that the little communication we have, the few times we see each other etc are the steps that overtime will lead to her viewing me as a friend.
I understand that this takes time, but if you really want to get there why not challenge perspective and start right away?
As she said a few nights ago:
"Time will tell us where our friendship lies, we started in an all encompassing way, so our friendship needs defining."
I will give us the benefit of the doubt that these little steps define, and time will change perspective.
I hope I am right. I hate losing wonderful and inspiring people from my life.

I am not stupid

When I take a look at my life I can see a list of things that are not "right"
for each and everything that I see/identify I know the reason why it occurs in my life
it is a gift/skill that I am able to observe the "problem" and understand its source
I also feel that my identification process is not simple - meaning that I don't jump on the obvious answer but dig to find a root or a source

There is a Buddhist principle that all suffering comes from want
that in wanting something, by its lack you suffer
it is simple
it also applies to my self understanding/evaluation
I narrow down, understand the want, know why it is there, what it does or does not do for me.

What perplexes me
for all that observation and understanding
I seem unable to get past it
I still feel lost, hurt, lacking and unhappy
I have not discovered that art/skill of just accepting thing and being happy where I am

Maybe my goals are too lofty
Maybe my wants are too strong
Maybe I am bound by on outer opinion
Maybe I don't trust myself
Maybe I don't accept me
Whatever the reason this block, the one stopping a daily smile form on my face, is the key.

I have been told that in my quest for this understanding I am passionate
that in not being complacent, by accepting something I don't like, I am brave
that in seeking personal change and growth I am courageous
I believe and understand this.

I hope that in my next step on the quest I am not creating a temporary fix
(as the past feels that way right now)
that this time, that this choice in growth, gives me the insight necessary to walk on and stay on a path in which I will remain happy and feel fulfilled.

Wanting

I want to write but don't know how to quanitfy my feelings
I know what I want but don't know how to get there
I put things on the path but not sure if it is right
I look out a window and wonder

Doing

I am disappointed in humanity
Too many people say that they will do something and don't
The missed coffees, the follow up on a great talk, the truth in friendship or relationship that gets held back,
Overall the expression of doing something but not living up to it.

I think one thing that could make this a bit easier to accept would be owning it after the fact
The coffee is missed and you try to reschedule, own that it won't happen so it can be let go

Maybe I just expect too much and should lower my standards.

I am full of Passion

I was talking, just a few nights ago to one of my nearest, dearest and most wonderful friends
A person who not only inspires me, and whom I understand, what feels like innately
but someone who understands me and sees into my soul; most importatntly one who also chooses to share it with me.

So as we shared some wine and hopped to another bar for more wine
not only did we share a few big secrets about ourselves and us
but I was given a gift

My friend reminded me of the inspiration I provide
That in my quest, because I am not being complacent,
and because I choose to challenge myself
in order to learn more so that my dreams may/can be fulfilled
that as much as this process feels backwards
because of what it is and how I approach
It is a path that is filled with passion.

My gift, a reminder that I am passionful even when I am not pursuing that which "exemplifies" passion

Thank you friend and more.

Sunday and You

Standing there
I don't want you to go
I don't want to go
We have just spent an evening
I think understanding something that we knew was there
The evening was used to acknowledge it
The feeling is wonderful
The feeling is mutual

Neither of us wants to destroy what it is
Neither of us wants to push to hard
Neither of us wants to claim it fully

We understand that right now in this moment
There is a path we walk with some divergence
It diverges from what we just acknowledged
I admire, cherish, relish, value, feel for you, for your passion
For being so vibrant in what you are right now and I believe always will be
You admire, cherish, relish, value, feel for me, for my passion
For being brave in walking away to find truer meaning

That distance holds us at bay but does not diminsh what we feel
It is necessary to explore those individual paths right now
I know that whatever I am is 100 times more when I am done this exploration
Which will be all that much more for you, us, if the divergent paths come together

You expressed a fear of seeing what you want but being unable to hold it now
I know that whatever you are is 100 times more when you are done your exploration
Which will be all that much more for you, us, if the divergent paths come together

We shared and now know that there are so many times that we had the same thought
but for fear of breaking something already amazing by going to far we held back
You are brave for having spoke the words, I am glad that you did
So many times I looked into your eyes expressing how much I truly understood
Hoping you would be able to understand how deep it ran
As I expressed verbally, as close to the edge as I dared take us, without crossing the line
The universe works in interesting ways

I spoke about your purity
I spoke about my ability to see what you want/need
In holding back we mutually demonstrate how that suits us both perfectly
How we match in it
Time will take it where it needs to go

In the interim
A mutual desire to touch it, to rub our hands in it
A finger paint mural of exploration
Innocent but not
as innocence is lost in growth
in knowledge
This does not mean purity has to be removed

I see you on those stairs, needing to go, wanting to stay
I feel you on me, a moment of fully letting go
Oh the bliss
but we must go
How to claim it, knowing what we know?
How to claim it without destruction?
I ask, you agree, for the attempt of some more time shared,
Knowing what we now admit to share that time in that light
Without pressure because we know the path is divergent for now
And time will guide it us where it needs.

Oh the moment of clarity
This moment of longing
This moment where we both share enough knowledge of how dear we are
Knowledge that each other's growth is more important than the selfish desire
of a mutual want
Ironically making us want it more
Ironically encouraging us to continue on the way we do
Ironically and mystically drawing us closer together

Oh the things could I not even phathom
You are its embodiment

Stepping Away

I look around at the things my time gets vested in
It is time for me to step away from that which does not return what I put in

Universal Attendance

I walk away
I turn my back
I shut down my soul
I am tired
I am emotionally drained
I no longer want to give to you

My phone rings
The universe is calling
Here is a gift
It involves that which I walk away from

I do not understand these offers
I appreciate them, I love them, I am not sure how they apply today given the above
Do I continue to walk, or maybe run now
Or do I come back and redouble my efforts

Time and experience has taught me that redouble efforts do not pay off
Logic and self examination suggest walking away to find more
So why the universal taunt?
Someone anyone tell me what it means.

Losing My Religion

I have always had a belief
If you set you mind to something which you want to achieve and you take baby steps then you will achieve that goal
To stay on track for this you need determination, skill, dedication, persistence
All of these put together will equal the result.

I no longer believe this to be true.
In addition to all of these things you have to know what you want and want if because of the love for something
If this love is deterred or changed or imbalanced you will fail
This key element if vital

I have lost my religion for the time being
For my religion was this goal

Burning Man

I have been speaking of this new growth
Finding clearly the man in the mirror
the result of this is openness to my creativity so that
i can succeed in my creativity
today I am one step closer to getting away
in addition to that I ended up speaking with someone about a festival
which focusses on (lack of better terms) facilitating people to find
the man in the mirror
Isn't that interesting?
We do attract what we want when we put it out there.

At the same time that I want this man in the mirror to be clear
it is scary to put on hold or let go of my life's want to date
I feel dirty sometimes, like I sold out
I know that it is one step at a time and if I don't reevaluate
i shall not achieve my life's goals, however,
it feels backwards to step away rather than forge ahead

Tonight Addendum

I get up this morning and have a conversation with her
and all those walls thoughts go away
openness and great speech
It supports the idea that we just don't talk as much
and I am adjusting to not knowing everything every second

Yes there still have to be some walls, natural change, we cannot share the way we used to (we are not who we used to be) but I am not feeling left out

As I said before these are challenges that we/I face in this choice and path
Worth it to me still.

Interviews

I am good at these
I feel comfortable in them
I actually kind of enjoy them
Probably because I am confident at them
The results
I am doing a second interview and getting on a cruise line soon

My mother told me...

... there would be days like these.

Is the title of a song by Julian Lennon (John's son)
The tune sticks in my head even though I heard it in the 80's
I always imagined the song to be talking about days when everything just went wrong
Wake up stub your toe, your milk is sour, your bike has a flat and so the day goes
However, as I have gone through so many things these words now have emotional content to them
I can only imagine that as Julian sang this song he was referring to days that could not be defined by the regular scope of emotions
Up and down and just not feeling right about the self
Days like these
However, he could have been singing about days of beauty and wonder
I only know those words and the tune attached, I was quite young

Tonight

I should be asleep but I cannot clear my mind
I have had some thoughts that trouble me
They sit around walls
I was debating with myself about my limits
What I am willing to tell people and share
I have found that unless I don't trust or have been hurt by someone
I am willing to share everything
I don't believe in the idea that things should be hidden
I believe that if you are to have a relationship with someone
Friend or otherwise
Then true thoughts need to be exchanged
In writing that I see where some truths would hurt and need not to and I don't share those
So I guess I get perplexed by walls, I must have them but I don't see them as very recognizable
So as I try to find new friendship with my ex I feel obligated to put up walls
I don't need to though
I have no reason to
She in being she is someone I trust and therefore can talk to about anything
That friendship to me did not get lost, we shared that when we met and while we dated and nothing was done to break that trust
However, as we grow I can feel some distance,
Information that is not shared, but protected from me,
I believe that I can understand as it seems natural that some things need to change
However, as I come across little things I feel I am being left out
Like an inside joke has passed me by and the other friends get it
I know that in redefining it is wiser to step away and come back as "new" people
Let the bygones be bygones so to speak
This is not an easy process though, it challenges me, and I believe it worth the challenge
because my ex holds a huge place in my life for the friendship I wanted and we chose in the first place
I want to believe that the feeling outside will pass with time and that this is only part of the process of our growth
For if we don't grow then we are static and that just makes for bad blood
However, I will not know until the feeling passes that it has passed
That said I hit a note of wanting the result before the process is through
(I have been criticized for this before, and I trying to focus on process lately)
I don't want to be outside of a circle, I hate that spot,
Ironically, I don't even know if I am and this whole feeling is probably just a simple case of the fact that we are no longer dating and in so doing I don't know everything anymore because we don't talk as much - that is only natural
With all that said I started with the idea of walls
I wonder should I be actively putting them up, are there things I should just stop sharing?
I think not, that I should share what I would share with all my other friends uninhibitedly
(unless, asked not to discuss it, that is of course respectful and polite of any friend)
So I sit here while I should be sleeping, dealing with feelings of being left out, which are most likely just a natural feeling because we don't talk as much
I hope I am right and like I said time will tell
I hope that in time we do share, that we sit and discuss like before, (I know that we do in many respects discuss like before)
Damn the process of change, it fucks with my head
This blog is really long and convoluted but so is my head

Today & Brad Pitt

I got up today, still not sure how I was feeling
Unable to identify what the emotions and feelings are
Some days are like that
There is still a searching going on

I went about my day
fortunate to have the time to climb
I had a meeting as well, one I wasn't sure about

I went and laid things down with my friend
I know that my goals need shifting and found a way to do it
Knew I had to talk to this person as they have the space to help
So we discussed and some doors opened up
Things have positivity associated to them now

I meet another friend and enjoy my time
Head off to work
Standing outside, on a break
I look to my left and Brad Pitt is standing beside me (about 4 feet away)
Having a smoke and working on lines for the movie he is shooting on the third floor above me

I don't want to disturb him as I am not a star struck person
As well, he has his people nearby so I figure if I engage I will be politely asked to leave
So I take my time to watch him a bit
He is about 6foot tall
Does not look that big
I am surprised he is not a stunning looking as I thought based on photo and film
But I can see the draw to him
He paces a bit while he does his thing
Stops and pulls out the blackberry (probably Angelina, LOL)

At any rate, I watch
He looks like everyone else
He does like everyone else
And I saw myself in that moment
I have done and will do again what I watched him do today

I wonder, what does the universe throw at me when I walk away
What does it say?
Does it beckon me back?
Or remind me to follow the path and give me the clues to say when you are done the search?

I took some steps today, to work with the people who can make all my goals come true
They want to work with me, 10 years in the making
I understand the heart of my lofty ideals and I know I am closer to me
In so being I am closer to Pitt.

Progress II

In discussing the idea of progress with my friend a new thought was presented
Often people set lofty goals which are good for them
You need to see a big picture in order to attain, whatever you want to attain
At the same time however you need little ones so you can feel successful
ie: I want to own a mansion
If that is the sole focus then with each larger house you buy you run the risk of not appreciating it because you have potential of this thought
"it's nice but it's not a mansion" or something in that vein

The little goals, like "I want to own a larger house on the way to the mansion" are the ones that help us live in the moment. They also help us to measure our successes. In turn they offer us a greater opportunity to be happy for growing.

Or something like that.

Progress

I beleive that on all levels we grow/progress
We age/grow
our feelings/emotions change
our ideals/beliefs are not static
relationships mature

Everything about us on some level develops
and most of it at an unconscious level

I beleive that when we cannot make tangible our growth
by doing something that feels progressive, and something we can see
then we are affected negatively because at an innate animalistic level
we are crying out "how come everything else in you changes but this does not"

In my Dreams

You are the bitch that I tell off
You are the lover that should be
You are the sex goddess that cannot be sated
You are the perfect lover
You are my wife
You are my mistress
You are my friend
You are my enemy
You are the woman who takes advantage of me
You are the woman I take advantage of
You are the one who got away
You are the one that stayed
You are them all for in my dreams I can live the moments that life does not allow or may not be appropriate.

I have a long way to go

I met up with an old and dear friend tonight
We talked and caught up
I was glad to hear so much has changed for her
She is doing really well, I am excited for her

As the conversation shifted she asked me about me
For the first time I was able to verbalize and admit a lot of the things that are behind my changes; things that I knew were there but finally are on the surface
Recognitions that I cannot deny and realizations about why there is so much value in what I have to do
To truly be me I have a long way to go
But being able to recognize how much and why makes me feel better today

Secret to Happiness

Get a job you at least enjoy
Have some spare money
Make sure you like your friends
Have some spare time with them
Love yourself above all


Pretty easy

Ahhh...

I feel frustrated
I want it all now
I want everything to be smooth
I want my friendship to be without weird moments
In time ... I guess
Transition is weird
Not use to this
But willing to go through moments like this for the outcome

Walls

They exist everywhere
I see them and feel them
Maybe I should learn how to create some for myself

Creativity

For all the changes going on I know one thing is right
My soul screams to create
I want to partake in stuff just to partake
My passion exists
If I give myself time away it will be a fire that cannot be stopped

Changes

I have been up and down lately
A bit all over the place
It is a sister to depressed but not
I was disgusted by its presence so I asked
Why are you here?
It told me a simple answer
That I do not have what I want yet
That I do not enjoy what is here
That I did not get what I want

In its simplicity I was left with a simple answer
Change the things that I do not want
The space in between the fulfillment of those changes
and the start of those changes is up and down
Because in that space I still live with the things I do not want

I think to a degree it is unfair to put yourself out there for what you want
and not receive it
Philosopy would argue: "You did not recieve because you didn't want it enough, or it was not a true want. Find your true want it will fall into your lap"

A New Challenge

Lately many of my friends have been coming out of nowhere and surprising me with unsolicited commentary on my skills (this is not unwanted and I am exceptionally greatful for it, thank you all) Comments about how accomplished I am, how fortunate I am to pursue my dream, how talented I am, that it is only a matter of time till I get exactly what I strive for. I love it. It has also made me think. I carefully went through as much memory as I could handle in search of a moment similar to this. It has never happened to my knowledge. Over the years I have been given support and I don't doubt it, but I have never had it in such an unsolicited abundance, it typically comes from one or two people at a time who pass me a word of encouragement and unknowingly keep my drive going. This wonderful flux and abundance of praise feels awesome. Again thank you.

Many people know of my changes, the things I am doing differently, the new angle whatever you want to call it. It is my new challenge, it is a scary one, it is the one that will open new doors and offer some clarity, it is a departure for a while. I have stepped onto a new road, one never travelled by me, one that I know nothing about and not sure where it will take me. After twenty years of familiarity I am working on breaking it to see something else, to expand in a new way, to achieve what I want from a new perspective. It was suggested that there may be a giving up going on, a running away, and now I have a question?

Do you think less of me for this? Will I lose you because of this?

City Travel

I watch the people I pass
The ones I share transit with
The people of the city
Has something changed?
I do not notice the blatant displays of affection
Less people seem involved
Those involved seem/feel disconnected
Going through the motions
I do not remember this
It used to drive me crazy the numbers of happy couples
Am I descentizied?
Maybe I am okay on my own now
Either way there is a shift

Not pushing

Sitting here enjoying being
Sharing laughing smiling talking
Is this a moment
The moment
Should it change
If anything I learned not to push
If it is it will be

The Door Prize

goes to me
who got hit by a car door opening up
on my way
laying in the street thinking
did it happen
yup it did
I was a bit slow on that dodge
pick yourself up so as not to get hit by the next car
drag you and your bike to the curb
by okay, tore my seat, waterproof it may no longer be
knee is cut, shoulder is sore, hands scraped
nice
off we go to the rest of the home journey

Paper work

I just finished mailing reviews to all the people "who matter"
As I wrote each individual card my mood sank just a little bit further
For all this work put in, all the years of knowing the business end of my talent oriented life
Has it helped?

It is daunting
It makes me sad
Reality four of those people "who matter" saw me this year
They had never seen me before

Every little bit counts

Connection

I was at coversation seminar tonight
Something I have always enjoyed doing
There was something that the speaker said that struck me

"connections are the things that fuel life"

I agree with him
I know that right now I am not full of fuel
I haven't the connections
and yet even for knowing that I don't want the connections

More appropriately I am very specific with my connections
I don't care to meet anyone new
I will only get to the same spot I did with my last one
So why do it again
One issue has not changed yet

So going out for these connections is pointless
Equally so it is tiring to go out for the connections to change the issue
I put in a lot of time doing it
What if it is the wrong path
What if?
Point being it is tiring.
So I just want those results to be in my lap
God sometimes I wish I did not pursue the arts
Fuck
Sometimes I wish I did not live in North America
Sometimes I wish I could just come across people who could accept me
Sometimes I wish the people who could accept me had their shit together to accept themselves
I don't think it is too much to ask

In my head

It amazes me how long things stay in my head
Things that are past and done
Things I don't want a part of anymore
Things that have no current bearing on my life
Things that are resolved
Things that I let go of
Basically I am referring to the things I dealt with

So why do they stay in my head?
Why are their triggers so accessible?
I say get the fuck out I am done with you all
I want to sleep again.

Finding

Lately I have been feeling a bit out of sorts
Not depressed, but not happy
Teetering on the edge of one or the other
Nothing is really wrong in my life, but nothing is really right either
I have a goal
I am working on it
I know the energy will take me there
In the interim I have a job that is covering the bills and giving me a bit extra
Not doing to well for the social life but I am managing
So why the blahness?

I realized today that it is because of a sense/question of failure.
I want to take a break because of where I am with my career choice
I want to reinstill the right reasons and strongest choices to take me further
Not necessarily further being successful (though that will not be turned down)
But in terms of personal fulfillment, knowing that what I am doing is for the right reasons
For me
To look at my work and have it done because I crave doing it, love doing it can't live without it.
These decisions are good for me, they will bring out something that I have never shown, so much will change, has changed already
In this it is positive and joyful
But I teeter
Having to step away,
Does it mean I failed?
Was I not good enough and thus got lost?
Will I get what is missing?
Am I a hack facing his reality?

I don't think so. But when I look left I see these things
They are sad thoughts, despairing thoughts,
When I look right, I see the other things (aforementioned)
They are happy thoughts, joyful thoughts

So here I stand on this swaying high wire walking to a stable platform of opportunity
The distance seems attainable.

morning

i woke up feeling sombre this morning
i wanted to reach over and hold her
but she is not here and will not be
that is not our place anymore

today i miss that comfort
that warmth
that reciprocation

the sombreness came from wierd dreams and left quite quickly
the day picked up and all is good
all was good in the start

i had a feeling this morning
one i want to acknowledge
that as much as i move forward
as much as i change
it does not negate my past
i still care

Drunk

I just got home
Had one too many
With a good friend who gets closer everytime
I love him to death
He is talented,open and inspirational

In moments like this I miss so much of my life
I wish someone was here with me
To hold to touch to laugh to cry
missing sucks

I know I am good
But in moments like this
well
nuff said....

Single

It has been a while now that I am single
Yet it has not been until the past few days that I have really felt it
In so being I am enjoying having my own space
No commitments
No specific need to call anyone
Or confirm with anyone
It is just about me

I have not really felt lonely
I am okay being single
I think that as I go through these changes I will relish it even more
Finally taking myself to a place where I am truly comfortable with me
And then seeing what happens

I cannot do anything

I can't do anything right
If I stay you are mad
If I go away you are mad
Talking or lack of frustrates you
And now this

You said we were done
You said you did not want that from me
You said you did not want to share
You put up walls
You held back communication
I accepted
I begin to act
You hate me for it

Then why ask me to leave?

I have asked these questions before
They always plagued me
They create bitterness, hatred and walls

If only my actions were what you thought
Then at least there would be some sense to this hurt
You got what you wanted
That initially hurt
I dealt with that pain
And now you lash out and hurt me even more
because you got what you wanted

I cannot do anything right

Confusion

I do not understand
All the things we said, everything discussed
and in one moment taken the wrong way it is removed

I am being punished for heresay
I was told I had a friend
friends take the time to explain, to question and
most importantly to understand each other

I guess the things we say have no weight in the present
If they have no weight in the present then how could they in the past
because in the past were statements for the future
statements that said we will get there and it is exciting to get there

All taken away
I do not understand
Maybe I am one of few who holds true or at least honours my words
And gives credit if there is change
So that friends have a chance to understand, grow, accept

Late night again

We meet, old friends
Dinner still fresh in my belly
So I chat while he eats
I am so tired from the night before and the day of work
"Don't bail!"
"Where is this party?"

And so we adventure to the place
I am under the Bay Subway
I have always wanted to see this
Tired is true but this moment does not happen often
Live
I grab the red wine
We party with all the others
I step out of the stationary TTC car
"Hello"
"Um, hello"
"You are?"
And I wonder how?
"Walk with me"
And so we do
Just little circles around the platform
Our acquaintance feels to familiar
It feels nice
She smiles and giggles
I laugh
We walk, talk and mingle
It is a moment one worth enjoying
Time to go
And I wonder how?

Another night

We have dinner
The conversation is engaging
We have much in common
From different times in life
I understand her past
She my future
We can communicate and have fun
The time passes freely as we enjoy
There is no pressure here so we stay
We chat
Eventually time to go
We arrive at her car
We part with the knowledge of another night

How?

I am standing on the rooftop patio of an exclusive club
The veiw is stunning, truly one of the better in the city
She has invited me
So much inticement in her voice, her body
and I wonder how?

Five hours ago I stood outside
A place barred to those without a paper a pass
We wait, my ego sinks, if not in then I should be out
We wait, we move, we return
Someone knows someone
"I'm sorry sir, I had no idea of course"
The gates rise, I hold my pass, the rush comes

I move from place to place
I know these people
I talk, I laugh, I am enjoying this moment
"Excuse me, just want a glass of red"
"Can she have a glass of red"
"Of course sir"
"Thank you"

It is a moment
Time goes by
People leave
It is time to go
I turn around
"Thank you for the red"
"Your welcome"
"Are you coming with me?"

I wonder how as we exit?

Returned

So I have returned from Halifax
It has been two days and things have been a whirlwind
I have not had a chance to think until now

I am glad to have my own space
I do not need to answer or justify myself
To anyone any more
It was getting tiring trying to exist in a place where no matter what I did I was wrong
It made me feel guilty for being
Even though I should not

I held my tounge
There is/was no reason to point out everything
Why antagonize?
I know that many things came from stress and angst
Space was/is needed
It does not excuse or justify it just makes it an understood reaction
It created anger/hatred in the moment
I worked to not act on it

It would feel childish
I am glad I did not
That would have been hard/increasing tension
Pointless really in terms of growth
In reality I am sure I did my own half of this equally

With that said there were equally a number of great moments
Where my friend shined through
Those moments let me know that as time grows so will we
I think in the long run it is all good

Time is my gage now
I know who I am

Space

I need some space.
First of all I came to Halifax to do my show. As it turns out I also came to Halifax with my ex girlfriend/co-creator/friend. Not the way it was originally planned, but it is obvious that friends is a better place for us. The two weeks have been up and down, mostly up, and the last few days have greatly indicated that in the end our friendship has great possibilities and will most likely work. I honestly did not think that I would be able to write that three weeks ago, but the universe has interesting ways. So all in all that has been positive. With that said it is time for some space from each other so we can fully establish patterns as friends (we have been confined to each other as we know no one out here), time to get back to the real world and interact "normally".

Second, and this is what it really is about. I have been doing my thing for twenty years. As a catalyst to change, doing my show and breaking up were what I needed. I want and need to get away from everything that is familiar to me and spend some time alone. I was able to do it in short jaunts here and know that space alone facilitates me in personal comfort.

A friend implied that I was still trying to impress people and not being myself, thereby, blocking my potential in everything. Another friend commented on my performance, "you tend to build a house and say look what I did as compared to live in the house" These things I know as innately true and I accept them.

The change that exists is one that says I need time to "live in my (proverbial) house". I want to do that and experience that by leaving behind the familiar and going to do something unfamiliar. I want to travel by myself and see things I have never seen. In order to do this I need to change things now. I need to have the capital to spend five months on the road. So in seeking space, I want to get a job, that will allow me to do this. I want to step away from my current patterns and fulfill this path. Next year in July I want to start this new journey of travel.

I am open to any possibilities that will afford me this change.
So I put it out there to the universe,
I want to have the means to travel for five full months next year
without worry or concern as to how to go about doing it.
I want to explore myself in the open space of the world without the burden and concern of money holding me back.
I want to be free of my fears so I can go beneath my issues and uproot them.

Just a few more days..

.till I go home.
till life goes to a normal spot.
till there is no stress.
till there is no curiosity.
till there are no walls.
till there is reality.
till there is forward movement.

All this does not mean I am not enjoying myself
But the circumstances here are interesting
My ex and I get along and are growing well
But this much proximity is most likely not healthy
For either of us
It can be trying. I want to rant and scream but really
Would that accomplish anything?
I know most of her behavior is situational
As is mine
So I let a lot of things go to minimize or avoid conflict
Unnecessary conflict.

I would rather the time I am having now, which is
enjoyable, with moments of stress,
as compared to the potential for constant argument
if either of us brought up every little situational thing the other is doing.

Thus just a few more days of enjoyment.
A few more days of stress.
A few more days till forward movement.

On the up note. I am festering a new idea in my head.
I like it because it does not seem to go away. Thus I will
give my hand a shot to write it once home.

Wolfville

So I came to Wolfville for a day trip and a private little get away
Thought it would be great to do something other than just wander through the Downtown of Halifax
Wolfville is great.
I stayed at a really peaceful B&B
I used the hot tub
Had a great dinner
Chilled in a huge bed
I walked around the town (Acadia University is here)
Saw some gorgeous mud flats that fill with water every 6-8 hours
I did not realize that I am in the land of the highest tides in the world
The mud flats are amazing but to think that they will be full of water shortly is cool
Checked out some old houses and just meandered through a quiet little, once thriving, port town
Wonderful day, relaxing, and allowing my mind to flow

Moving

From one place to another
I feel embarrassed and silly
I fall back sometimes onto the emotions
They are no longer appropriate
Nor are they always there
The moving sucks
But I know it is right
We seem to be getting along and growing
I am impressed
I feel different, not the same pull
In time I hope there is nothing but my friend

Smith Rock

Barbecue the Pope 10b flash
Just Face It 10b flash
Unknown 10d, one fall

Surf the Clam 10a I was crushed
Unknown 10a I was crushed mercilessly
One other 10a I was munched

That just seems backwards, maybe I don't give 10a enough credit
I will, and I have learned
Smith will come again

Red Point- Woman In The Meadow 11a

I know I can do you
60 feet
One really hard section
Pumpy all the way up
I can handle that
You have a good rest
I have seen and understood your crux

I tie in
I move through you
One, two, three clips stress on the arms
Feet are working, rest, breathe
The air hits my back, still sore, worse since the last attempt
The gorge is beautiful
Move

Climb, crank, fourth clip
There is no where to recover
Arms
The hard spot
Rise into it
Slippy underhand
Leg into place
Drop the other
A moment is all I get to breathe
Breathe

The right hand goes up
The hold is beautiful
I have to put my left there
I slide the right, there is nothing
On the rock to hold or in my arm for a second to get my left up

The right goes back
breathe
The left comes up
Slowly one finger at a time I exchange hands
Slowly, Slowly, Slowly...

It goes
The wall slides away from my face
The drop is clean
Five, ten, fifteen, twenty feet
the rope catches the stretch kicks in
Mother

You are a project
You are a beautiful lady
I will return

Last Year

at this time I was dealing with a bad break up
a messed up soul
the confusion of my life and what do I do with it

I ended up meeting a wonderful person
finding the understanding of how I want to work creatively
falling in love
creating a show

one year has passed
I am dealing with a break up (not a bad one)
wondering how to find people who work the I want to work creatively
the confusion of my life and what do I do with it

I can see I progressed
It feels like I am at the same point
Again
When does my progress not sustain its action?
How do I help myself?

I feel I have no back up
That I am alone trying to face these big issues.

I am fortunate to have friends who talk to me
Who listen
I also need friends who understand and can help be proactive

Where is my Kermit?

Freedom

I have learned a lot about myself and my life changes in the past few days
I seem to assimilate well
What I learned has given me the freedom to let go
To have a better understanding
To let her be her

It does not mean I will not have sad days
But for the most part it means that I move forward
It means I let go
It means I accept

The rest sits in how we respond to what we talked about
and everything happening for a reason.

I open myself to the universe and the possibility it suggests to me.

I Want

To be rich famous powerful and successful
(don't we all, mostly?)
To have continuing ongoing creative outlet
To have a Brooks/McIvor business partner
To have a friend
To have a relationship equally returned
To have sex
with my ex
(some would say on my list this is not prudent. However, with everything I learned in the last little while I know I am mature enough to express this way and not have it cloud me)
To be debt free
To have my own place
To act

I guess this is a list of goals, maybe not completely but in many respects yes. In that respect the next step is creating a plan and figuring out how to get those things.

Today

I travelled home on the subway
Various stops various thoughts
So caught up I missed my stop
Am I okay?

At What Cost?

Today I had a gig in Yorkville. Nice area. I looked at a condo there for 3.5million dollars. I walked around and saw all these young couples holding hands, having lunch spending a whole lot of money. I stopped in the drizzling rain and thought I want to spend money, to be free of that concern so I could just let my emotions flow without hindrance of how do I get to the next step, without the competition that makes me sad when my friends move on. As I got a bit wetter from the rain I thought it is easy to make money to change all this, but at what cost? I love to act and this lifestyle does not really allow me the freedom to get a full time job and make lots of money to spend. More importantly doing that does not speak to my creative soul and actually crushes me over time. A few years ago I was so excited because I landed a flexible job using my creative skills that allowed me to comfortably purse acting. I still have that job and two others like it, but the contracts are not enough to meet my meager needs and live just a little. I took the telemarketing job to supplement but still not enough. How do we do it? Pursue what I love and live? It has been my dilemma for 10 years. I think the change can come by putting acting on hold and building some capital but I ask at what cost? I do not have an answer. It seems I don't have an an answer for much lately. If I had answers maybe my life would feel more stable today.

I have issues

But don't we all? I recently relaized one way which I push people away. First let me express that I beleive most issues stem from personal insecurites not from other people. With that in mind and the change in my life I decided I should look inward and let everything else go.

At this stage in my life I want a cerain level of monetary success and stability. I am tired of living the way that I do. So as I see my friends progress, with great support from me, I feel sad for myself not progressing. Unfortunatley I get a bit overwhelmed and my outward self ends up showing the quiet contemplative me rather than my excited inner self. I thought about this and put myself in other people's shoes when I am like this. I am sorry that I did this to people. I have been excited for you but I have also been selfish. In writing this I realize that I'm human, I do human things. I wonder how many I may have pushed away while I wished I could have their fortune or that someone would push me as hard as I pushed them to make that step. Regardless of the past this is my issue and truly it stems from one changeable thing...money. So rather than sitting and wallowing in what I have done I work toward the changeable to deal with my insecurity and just be excited.

Lost Connection

I am afraid of losing that connection. In all the time spent, the moments that are most valuable are the ones spent just talking. Not discussing or doing anything heavy, but those moments over a beer, or coffee, or dinner that were really just moments about anything. In these moments we talked about anything and everything. We connected and giggled and these are the moments (among many) I loved. So as I sit here remembering one in specific I think I do not want to lose that. I want to call and talk right now... but what to talk about? It occurs to me that in your current desire/wish/want there is an innate desire to retire some of that connection. That in making this move there is the active request to break and remove that which we know. With that as a truth then it becomes a challenge to redefine that which we are, ergo, we need to relearn and rediscover each other as different people. I want to do this rediscovery, I already learned the value of us and know it can only be good to continue. I beleive however, that right now there is nothing to be learned. We have discovered how the other feels and we know it. Until that changes and is let go what to discover? So yes my fear of lost connection is innate and true. But now in philospphizing and coming to the root of me I found something more fearful. Will you want to try to reestablish that connection when this current phase is passed? I know I do. I know what we discussed but with distance will you change your mind? You are allowed too as you are human but it is scary to me. I hope that we established enough for our desire to remain constant. To the future which holds all tellings.

Telemarketing

So I took this job doing telephone sales for the Washington Ballet, I needed some money and it seemed an easy way to make money as I teach sales skills in my day job. We have reached that point when the rate of contact is very low and the job is boring. What this lull in calls allows me is the time to think while I look out the window onto Adelaide Street listening to the phone ring on my headset. Normally this would just make for a very boring night; however, this monotony is quite medatative. As fate would have it, much has changed in my life that needs contemplation, or something. I believe everything for a reason and I guess the universe knew what was in store for me when they gave me this job. At any rate, I discovered a while back that blogging my thoughts clears them from my mind and allows me to move forward. So with that said blog machine, be prepared for some blogs.

Venting is all I can do

I feel so many things right now that the list is endless.

I went on a date not one but two with the same girl. I tried really hard to be excited to enjoy and be... but it was not what I wanted. I like being Kermit and having Miss Piggy.

Want.
I thought that when wants were established and shared that they were the things that held a relationship together. I thought that wants were the foundation because when the wants are different there is no point. I thought I had established the wants. I believed that it was there so I gave.

Give.
I thought when you gave if you wanted it to be true you gave selflessly and fully. I thought that you gave because you loved. When I found a part of me held back I did everything I could to understand it and then I gave of that too. I thought that if you gave it came back.

It turns out.
That I was wrong. That the wants were different, that the giving didn't matter. That all I thought was working was just work. Work in a relationship is bad. Or by perception that much work. It turns out that all that I thought was helping to grow was just helping to push away. How can two people be on such different pages and get along for so long? I wish I knew we were reading different books.

As I turn the page.
I wonder what I have read. It seems to me that being a nice guy equals disaster and abuse. That being an asshole equals destruction and being abusive. It seems to me that being myself and being honest equals a slow collapse. I no longer know what to do. Given my track record it seems that when ever I engage I get shot down. Now I don't know how much I believe all that as I look at the people who do work and I thought that that being the self was the one that worked. So I wonder why not here? The only common thread in everything is me so why do I keep putting myself in situations that equal this pain? Because I believe in love.

Love
Now that is a stupid idea. I recently requalified and learned that love is giving freely without thought or hesitation (my ideal maybe not anyone else's). But right now I don't feel like I know how to love or be loved and that I am not worthy of it. I thought love involved communication.

Communication
Something that I have undying devotion too. Correction. HAD undying devotion to. Because it seems continually that no matter how much I communicate it just pushes people away. That I don't really know how to do it. That my ideas as well thought out as they may be scare people, gives them false expectation, make them feel judged, make them try to live to a standard. It seems that my ability to accept people for who they are regardless of my thoughts never goes over well. Thus I see complete pointlessness in ever sharing my ideals again. I see absolute stupidity in sharing and giving as it only drives away the ones I want to hold on too. I wish I could just talk

Talking
Seems to be this free flowing thing that comes out of people that has no meaning. Words said that half the time are not supported and the other half not meant. This is the system of trade. I do not understand it and for that it seems I will always fail and fall on my face leaving to a life of solitude.

I Wish
That I could just sit down and sort this out. That I could look into loving eyes and see that there was hope. To know that this is temporary.

But
You have been clear. Your wants are diffrent than mine and what I saw as good you saw as bad. As much as I want so much more to be said there is nothing more than respecting that which has already been said and hoping that it holds true.

Finally
I know that I don't really mean any of this. I am hurt today for feeling so lost in something I thought was good. There was no miscommunication I was simply effected differently and because of my belief in love I gave. I hold no confusion over being swept away and letting all reservation go because it was worth it. In hurt, confusion and sorrow I know no other way to remove it from myself. I need to put it somewhere so that I don't go insane trying to understand what is very simple. I know this will be read one day, I hope you understand. I am not really mad, I am temporarily lost. Comment, call, discuss, never speak, do what is right for you. For that is one thing I now believe will always hold true.

Dramatic

All of a sudden things have changed dramatically
In a manner of days life jumps up and does a 180
I have always believed that change is an instantaneous process
The second the decision is made the change is immediate

The build up and the decision around that change however
Now that is what takes time
Semantics.

Regardless, I take a look at things today
In reference to yesterday, last week, month
They are totally different
Very few things have remained constant in my life during this time

There is a part of me that wants to give up
But I know with this change where my new path leads
It is an easy path to follow and many people will be left behind
It is unfortunate but true

I get tired of the change and wonder if ever in the change
People will come with me
I believe that to be true one day
But not today

I spoke to the universe and stepped outside of my body
In doing so I found what was above
I asked about what I was thinking, wanting
It said refocus
I did
I listened very carefully
Today is the day in which I make the changes

Weird

It has been a weird night
As I come home from where I was
I had some strange thoughts.
There is no way to recount them here,
Just the night's mood
Thoughts of change, past, present, future and
What if the ultimate happened

Who would think on it
Who would mourn
Who would cry, laugh, dance, care
Who would I call

It disturbs me to know who I would call
I never want to think that way again

Late Night

It is 4am
I am drunk
on 4 beer
I have my reasons
things change quickly
life proceeds
accept what is said
live in the moments

Now What?

I have been ...
hurt, angry, sad, upset, mad, annoyed, frustrated, nervous and worried

I have ...
vented, philosophized, hashed, discussed, debated, questioned

I will ...
let things go, move forward, focus on me, achieve my goals

Two days have passed and I don't know really what more to do
This time will be different

I am afraid

that i will always be alone

in the closing of my romantinc relationship
with my ex, now just friend
the stepping back made tangible the fact that i am alone
as i look around me everything in my life
career, money, housing, relationship, friendships
feels like i am being dumped

i am afraid that i learned my life lessons to slow
that i will not have time to apply them
and the result will be my being alone

i am afraid, scared, nervous, anxious and worried
i know that all my actions right now are not
as in the past
angst ridden or bitter
but fear based at the prospect of solitude

i want to crawl up in a bubble
where i do not need to take risks
which result in more evidence of solitary