Venting is all I can do

I feel so many things right now that the list is endless.

I went on a date not one but two with the same girl. I tried really hard to be excited to enjoy and be... but it was not what I wanted. I like being Kermit and having Miss Piggy.

Want.
I thought that when wants were established and shared that they were the things that held a relationship together. I thought that wants were the foundation because when the wants are different there is no point. I thought I had established the wants. I believed that it was there so I gave.

Give.
I thought when you gave if you wanted it to be true you gave selflessly and fully. I thought that you gave because you loved. When I found a part of me held back I did everything I could to understand it and then I gave of that too. I thought that if you gave it came back.

It turns out.
That I was wrong. That the wants were different, that the giving didn't matter. That all I thought was working was just work. Work in a relationship is bad. Or by perception that much work. It turns out that all that I thought was helping to grow was just helping to push away. How can two people be on such different pages and get along for so long? I wish I knew we were reading different books.

As I turn the page.
I wonder what I have read. It seems to me that being a nice guy equals disaster and abuse. That being an asshole equals destruction and being abusive. It seems to me that being myself and being honest equals a slow collapse. I no longer know what to do. Given my track record it seems that when ever I engage I get shot down. Now I don't know how much I believe all that as I look at the people who do work and I thought that that being the self was the one that worked. So I wonder why not here? The only common thread in everything is me so why do I keep putting myself in situations that equal this pain? Because I believe in love.

Love
Now that is a stupid idea. I recently requalified and learned that love is giving freely without thought or hesitation (my ideal maybe not anyone else's). But right now I don't feel like I know how to love or be loved and that I am not worthy of it. I thought love involved communication.

Communication
Something that I have undying devotion too. Correction. HAD undying devotion to. Because it seems continually that no matter how much I communicate it just pushes people away. That I don't really know how to do it. That my ideas as well thought out as they may be scare people, gives them false expectation, make them feel judged, make them try to live to a standard. It seems that my ability to accept people for who they are regardless of my thoughts never goes over well. Thus I see complete pointlessness in ever sharing my ideals again. I see absolute stupidity in sharing and giving as it only drives away the ones I want to hold on too. I wish I could just talk

Talking
Seems to be this free flowing thing that comes out of people that has no meaning. Words said that half the time are not supported and the other half not meant. This is the system of trade. I do not understand it and for that it seems I will always fail and fall on my face leaving to a life of solitude.

I Wish
That I could just sit down and sort this out. That I could look into loving eyes and see that there was hope. To know that this is temporary.

But
You have been clear. Your wants are diffrent than mine and what I saw as good you saw as bad. As much as I want so much more to be said there is nothing more than respecting that which has already been said and hoping that it holds true.

Finally
I know that I don't really mean any of this. I am hurt today for feeling so lost in something I thought was good. There was no miscommunication I was simply effected differently and because of my belief in love I gave. I hold no confusion over being swept away and letting all reservation go because it was worth it. In hurt, confusion and sorrow I know no other way to remove it from myself. I need to put it somewhere so that I don't go insane trying to understand what is very simple. I know this will be read one day, I hope you understand. I am not really mad, I am temporarily lost. Comment, call, discuss, never speak, do what is right for you. For that is one thing I now believe will always hold true.