Tonight

I should be asleep but I cannot clear my mind
I have had some thoughts that trouble me
They sit around walls
I was debating with myself about my limits
What I am willing to tell people and share
I have found that unless I don't trust or have been hurt by someone
I am willing to share everything
I don't believe in the idea that things should be hidden
I believe that if you are to have a relationship with someone
Friend or otherwise
Then true thoughts need to be exchanged
In writing that I see where some truths would hurt and need not to and I don't share those
So I guess I get perplexed by walls, I must have them but I don't see them as very recognizable
So as I try to find new friendship with my ex I feel obligated to put up walls
I don't need to though
I have no reason to
She in being she is someone I trust and therefore can talk to about anything
That friendship to me did not get lost, we shared that when we met and while we dated and nothing was done to break that trust
However, as we grow I can feel some distance,
Information that is not shared, but protected from me,
I believe that I can understand as it seems natural that some things need to change
However, as I come across little things I feel I am being left out
Like an inside joke has passed me by and the other friends get it
I know that in redefining it is wiser to step away and come back as "new" people
Let the bygones be bygones so to speak
This is not an easy process though, it challenges me, and I believe it worth the challenge
because my ex holds a huge place in my life for the friendship I wanted and we chose in the first place
I want to believe that the feeling outside will pass with time and that this is only part of the process of our growth
For if we don't grow then we are static and that just makes for bad blood
However, I will not know until the feeling passes that it has passed
That said I hit a note of wanting the result before the process is through
(I have been criticized for this before, and I trying to focus on process lately)
I don't want to be outside of a circle, I hate that spot,
Ironically, I don't even know if I am and this whole feeling is probably just a simple case of the fact that we are no longer dating and in so doing I don't know everything anymore because we don't talk as much - that is only natural
With all that said I started with the idea of walls
I wonder should I be actively putting them up, are there things I should just stop sharing?
I think not, that I should share what I would share with all my other friends uninhibitedly
(unless, asked not to discuss it, that is of course respectful and polite of any friend)
So I sit here while I should be sleeping, dealing with feelings of being left out, which are most likely just a natural feeling because we don't talk as much
I hope I am right and like I said time will tell
I hope that in time we do share, that we sit and discuss like before, (I know that we do in many respects discuss like before)
Damn the process of change, it fucks with my head
This blog is really long and convoluted but so is my head