I want

I want to just love again

To be able to communicate and be understood

I spoke with my mother tonight and got in trouble for not saying something earlier

Something which I had told her about earlier

I guess the communication problem is mine, I remain the only common factor

If I could communicate clearer I would not be sitting here writing this today

Different words would have been used, or clearer phrases would have happened

Something would be different in the way I expressed and this would not be what it is

It will be alright but I wonder why this has to happen to get there

Why I fall short

What I don’t understand in communication

I discovered yesterday that my mother’s lack of happiness rides on words I spoke years ago

Words which in the way I communicated came across to effect a decision that left her perpetually unhappy to this day

I did not say what she expresses she heard but obviously the way I communicate

I cannot help but feel that my communication is the source of everything in the end

I work to be clear but then I guess I say too much

I honestly don’t know

A picture is worth a thousand words

I believe a touch is worth more

I want to be near

I don’t want to be going away again

Had I communicated differently I may never have left

I found out today that my financial position effects my mother’s piece of mind

For I still have things here, when she feels cluttered it aggravates her

I keep extrapolating out from this simple place

I hear versions of it in the past and see it in the present

I want to have answers

I want to have something solid to go on

Not a wing and a prayer

I want to breathe and be relaxed all the time

I want to be a stress release not a stress inducer

I want to be sought after not run away from

I want to help the situations around me but cannot

I understood tonight why financial strain sits so heavily with me

I was brought up with a few simple words: “If only we had money”, “If I just had..”

I want to not say those words myself

I follow my heart in everything I do

But I am a Capricorn

So when my heart begins to lead my head weighs every avenue to justify my heart

My heart needs no justification

I learned years ago that justification kills

I learned only recently how to just follow my heart

I give everything that is in there, inside my heart

Everything that I am is in the open

Vulnerable to you

I follow my heart in everything I do

I look back on life, my life and see my heart lead

My head justifying, my dreams being pursued safely

It has done me nothing 

I have lived well but alone

I want to stop being alone

I want to feel stable

I want to be able to experience life in a different light

I want to do it with you

I want to reach my dreams but am not sure how to do both

One step at a time and breathe

I want the step to be safe

I let my heart guide

I breathe and trust

I want to get through this

I want to feel your breathe on my neck, and us wrapped in each other

I want to share in love and not concerns of when but now

I want to be there 

I want to understand everything unspoken

I want to know what is going on inside

I want to be able to read minds for then maybe my communication would be better

and half the things I face would be avoided

I want to fix what I have broken

I want to make my mother happy

I want to see smiles and love again

I want a lot of things and it makes me smile with an ironic grin

because in the end I want nothing but happiness for those I love