$10,000.00

Not a million just ten thousand

That seems to be the figure that has always sat on me 

If at any given point in my life I was handed that much money 

All my problems would be solved, at least fiscally

That meager sum in some eyes and that massive amount in others

It seems that it is all it takes to balance me out each time I need to balance

It was the cost of one year of school

It was the cost when my debts were no longer manageable against my income

It was the cost of my failed business venture

It is the cost that seems to hold me down

There must be a way to break this, there must be a way.

Elderly Couple

Across from me in the library cafe is an elderly couple

They are tall, shock white hair, dressed with a classic sensibility

She wears a blouse, buttoned all the way to the top, but the neck is a loose fit

A pair of tan slacks, it is the perfect word, match the light green flower print of her blouse and 

the green of her blouse matches her coat

He wears a whitish shirt, and a darker tan pair of slacks

The suspenders are the old style that button into his slacks

and the dark leather that begins them match his slacks as the colour changes to the strap it matches his shirt

They are spitting images of each other, she his female twin and he her male twin

Arms and legs that are long but not gangly

The sit comfortably eating and chatting.

Conversation is not deep, and may not truly be conversation

A few sentences, a few words a look or two

It is communication and it seems non committal but very present

It is years of knowing each other, years of understanding

They have kept each other well and enjoyed life, just by the look of them

For their actions are smooth, their faces light, they are youthful and have aged beautifully

Together

Fury

not at anyone

but a fury to be busy

I have little attempts going on but nothing concrete

It is part of my existence bain

I always have little things going

but nothing has come to a fulfilling finale

it creates a fury/desire to do more

but a fury also in the real sense 

"When the f*%@ does one of these things really work big?"

Dissidence

or is it dissi-dense?

either way

on one hand is everything wanted and gained

on the other is everything wanted and not achieved

when do they come together and sit in the middle?

I thought it was joyous and happiness

To pursue in this way

I understand the universe guides

I must be fighting it

Guide me now

for whatever you offer I accept

About Me 2

I don't feel like writing some ethereal, vague, symbolic thing today

I just feel like writing

Sometimes in writing I find I better understand myself

Would you other writers agree?

(I pause to think of the other reasons people blog)

At any rate

I am everything but I am never perfect

In the everything I am worth the world

In the lack of perfection I am worth nothing

The everything is a huge section it lasts forever

The lack of perfect is small but always destroys

There is more but I don't know where it is

I just know it exists

Myrtle Beach

I am in Myrtle Beach

Never been here before

The hotel room is average

But the view is nice

The sun is shining and bright

But the air is chill

I am killing some time, Just relaxing which is nice

Last night I was in Charleston

It was a good day that lead to a great night

Dinner was okay, the food not to expectation

But palatable

Post dinner was a fun rickshaw ride

The high driver made it amusing

A good night 

A restful morning and now here.

I like days that are fully off

I hope that as time progresses I can find a comfortable balance

Income, fun and relaxation

I don't ever want to be consumed by work.

I just want work now.

Accomplishment

Today was productive.

I laugh because for an unemployed guy I still can't make time for my own writing.

Weird.

At any rate I am accomplishing things that will hopefully pay me soon.

I finished the rough draft of the article for the magazine Coastal Life.

I also finished the rough draft for the sponsorship package for my children's theatre company.

They took all day between the two of them

I work diligently from 9-5 daily in order to keep a semblance of order in this disorganized time

I have discovered that I enjoy writing and I truly do like doing some of this administrative stuff

The writing is more fun and today I thought to myself, if I could get regular work as a freelance writer I would also be quite happy

I remember her telling me that she had a lot of faith in my writing

I am drawn back time and time again to the thought I should just write that novel

Doesn't everyone want to write a novel?

I mean really.

But honestly, I have enjoyed creative writing since even before I knew about acting

I have short stories on my computer as it is

I have attempted play and film writing but don't find it works as well for me

So maybe the novel format.

Stories in me abound, I can translate my life and my friends life's into enough stories to span generations I am sure

Each summer adventure is a tale, add some embellishment, a murder and whamo instant soft cover copy best selling trash

Millionaire

Oh yes of course we need a literary agent and that is about as hard as getting an acting career

Oh a publisher would help

Oh the time, well that one I can do myself.

So the thought exists, but it brings me back to that simple issue

What do I do in the meantime to make a  living while I work on that writing

That is my issue

It is the issue that makes me unworthy in many eyes, causes me relationship issues, and personal life issues

God it would be nice to buy dinner and not hesitate, 

Some basic health care anyone?

Maybe that would help to screw my head on right so I would stop f*&#ing up

Maybe.

But in the meantime, I got those two things done today.

Yeah me.