A year in Review

Well 35/2009 not so hot

Spent the first part of the year on a ship
Working to get to the love of my life
and develop a level of stability so I was not a reminder of her past

Spent the mid part of the year living with the love of my life
Watching as she slowly retreated and blaming it on the wrong things that I could do nothing about

Spent the middle of the year
Discovering the real reasons love of life was pulling away

Spent the later part of the year
Working to solve the differences between us
Worked really hard on it, because I wanted to
and because she said she did also

Spent the last few weeks accepting she lied
and the last year of my life was well
bulls*&t.

So much for the love of my life and true love
Lied to again

Maybe next year will be better
Really nothing worse can happen than finishing the year
with an ex-fiancee.

A Mess

So my heart and mind don't correspond
I understand intellectually everything
Emotionally I still hope for a response

I move forward intellectually
Action to show I am doing
But my heart still stays behind

I am clear that I have no bearing
So I wonder why I wish I did

The strongest action is to let go everywhere
Yet these seems like an impossible step
I intellectually know this is better for me
Emotionally I am afraid to let go

Christmas

Going through my traditions
Alone
Feeling very acutely your absence
But learning to do it all alone
Again
For your words were none you lived by

For Me!

These blogs are mine
I may have one or two out there who read them
Not sure but these really are for me.

In that vein I continue to write these sappy things
Knowing that they offer me what they do
It is a good thing

My mind seems stuck
On the past
Not quite true
There is a small piece
Still stuck there
A smidgen in my mind that does not want to let go

I do not understand why
Yes it was good
But things can be better
So why hold onto days gone by?

I am not sure
I am glad it is only a smidgen
For originally it was all
With that said
For my Christmas wish
I ask that I give myself
Freedom to let everything truly go

Another Dream

I would laugh to discover one day that you read these still
That would be hilarious
That the joining of us comes from these cryptic thoughts in my head
I know it not to be true but it made me laugh
Just like the dream

I awake and walk across my room
It is the dead of night 3:15 and my computer is on
I stumble to it as I feel a great calling for me/help
I look on the computer knowing there will be nothing

In my inbox, to my surprise is a number of mails
I scan them for your name
As I figured you are not there
But wait another mail with a name close to yours
And yours buried beneath

I open it
It is a photo collage of me
Moments in time where you took pictures without my knowing
All strung together in a digital slideshow
Something to say you have been thinking of me but did not know how to say it
Now showing you care, how much I am a part of you
You finish the mail with a simple note

So you know I still care
For your pleasure to see
In the meantime just...
phone
or email.

True to form and all that you are
I smile and cry
for I do not have your phone number
You have taken communication away from us
and like all other times
this is just part of your game
to hurt me

Love Actually

Just finished watching this movie once again
What a great film
It makes me think of all aspects of love
How I will find them all again
Leave you behind who do not work to be with me

Love is all around us
We just need to see it and actualize who we want it with

Confirmations and signs

Each and every day I have seen signs that say "yes" to my question of us
I wondered if I was seeking them just to set my mind at ease and so I was/am
I know somewhere inside that the truth is we are done
But still hard to accept that
No communication to express it and just stepping forward on assumption
Scary

But today I spoke to a good friend
An intuitive and spiritual friend
I looked to her for some soul advice
Without hesitation she agreed

Letting you go is loving,
An expression of who I am, of who I offered and what I am truly about
Letting you be to do your thing without animosity characterizes all that I am
It is also the truth of love
Fear is holding on, love is letting go

I know it inside and have been taking steps forward
Bigger today than yesterday and days previous
but still small by so many standards
It will take time

No one will ever be you
But one day someone will be the one
You will always be given a special place
With openness to hear you forever

Holidays and growth

Each day I am going through my personal Christmas traditions
Each day you pop into my head and I think I wish I was sharing with you
But I know that it is not to be
I find that it takes time to get through all of this hurt
Unintentional but it comes through nonetheless

I hoped and hoped that you were the final one I would have to seek with
That this Christmas was going to be the first one where I started sharing
Sharing with the one whom would be with me forever
Knowing on the inside that this is not to be makes Christmas more difficult to approach
But it is what it is

All things come and go, even love
Love leaving is indication it is not a pure love, but possibly only a great love

Not You

Lying here
She is not you.

That is that simple
I am still effected that much
I am not sure how to move forward
I have taken affirmative self action
Dug into my soul
As each day goes by I realize
How much I desire life with you

I have worked to solve the problem
I have done all I can
I don not understand why I am so effected
I do know that moving forward is all that is left
For I am not stupid and finally choose to see what is obvious
It does not mean the mind and heart are one