I am afraid

that i will always be alone

in the closing of my romantinc relationship
with my ex, now just friend
the stepping back made tangible the fact that i am alone
as i look around me everything in my life
career, money, housing, relationship, friendships
feels like i am being dumped

i am afraid that i learned my life lessons to slow
that i will not have time to apply them
and the result will be my being alone

i am afraid, scared, nervous, anxious and worried
i know that all my actions right now are not
as in the past
angst ridden or bitter
but fear based at the prospect of solitude

i want to crawl up in a bubble
where i do not need to take risks
which result in more evidence of solitary

11a Woman in the Meadow

Two weeks off
Back still moderately sore
Climbing well
10d the hard way
Some really amazing photos of it
Two walls to the right
11a
Look, size, line, angle, hold
Yes, I can
Ties in
Fumble around and figure out the start
Climb
Clip
First mini crux
A breeze
"Nice brother"
Clip
Climb, pull, push, feet, layback
Clip
Climb, sit
I am 2000 feet off the gorge floor
A river running below me, trees, the wind picks up and blows across me
Heaven, relax, breathe, climb
The crux
PUSH, PULL, CRANK, HOLD, CRANK
Fall
It will be a Redpoint

Thinks

and wonders. I have been on the road and seen many things. Too much to write about here on a borrowed computer. Another entry later. My mind runs thoughts though. Missings. Not missings. Hopes. Are some of them habits? Yes. Are some of them real? Yes. I guess in the end I just need to fully accept what is here. I do think about you you, you are never far from my mind. So much to share here. How far or or how close do we get now? I do not know the answers to anything anymore. I know that in some way I want solutions but I just sit with each moment. Things are good nothing really troubles me, yet ... I don't know. There are questions all unanswered and in some respects they need no answer. Never forgotten and a huge piece of my life, still today with intention of always. Thinks of you.

Thoughts

Come to me at the strangest times
I discussed recently the hanging off of rock and that peaceful moment
When no fear exists and the blood works it way out of the over exereted forearm
Just hanging there waiting wondering
It is then that you will enter my mind and I will wonder

I thought about the sitting at the campfire
Stars all around
The silence of the night not far from my space
The quiet
It is then that you will enter my mind

Enter into the mind because you are important
We grow, I grow, you grow
From my mind you will not leave
for you are important

11a

Two weeks off with a sore back
Back is still sore but much better
I have been instructed to use it
Arms are week and form is out of shape
Tonight I travel to the land of Smith
Smith Rock
The biggest assembly of rock I have ever been too
Possibly the hardest climbing I have ever done
I have eleven days of climbing
I have eleven days to reach my goal
My first 11a outside

Challenge!

Hello?

Does that make sense to you?
Do you understand?
Am I clear?
How are you with that?
What do you think of that?
Am I making sense?
Is that good for you?
Do you like that idea?
Are you comfortable with this?

Yes

We still are not communicating.

Fear

I think that we are all innately afraid.
No one walks up to the person of their dreams and declares "I love you will you marry me?" the second they meet. Nope they walk up and say "hello". In this fashion if they get shot down they do not get shattered. Maybe everyone should drop their fear and just go for it.

Marewidge

Today another one of my friends/aqquaintances announced they were getting marweed. Another actor couple, who seem to be doing well in the business and are able to take this big step, both emotionally and financially. They are work aqquaintances so I am not that connected to them but it is a happy moment. At the same time it makes me think and feels like a double whammy (press your luck).

Am I doing something wrong? I don't seem to be able to make any forward financial progress in my rather challenging industry, yet I see and know people who do so. I don't seem to be able to hold onto a stable relationship, yet I see people do it. I know that I have grown over the years and my immature choices are not the source of downfall, or maybe I am just lying to myself. Or maybe I just don't do things right? Or maybe I am not meant to figure things out? Or maybe I am just incapable of growing in that manner? Or maybe I have something wrong with me? Or maybe I am too picky and cannot be satisfied with what I have? Or maybe...ad nauseum on the questions.

Every now and again I see people in the place I wish to be and I envy. I hope that this feeling is not exclusive to me and that I can get over it and just accept everything about where I am. It all goes back to the being.

Inspiration

Some time ago, I was at work. Feeling a little glum with the day and the way that things were going. I looked across the room to see one of my co workers on a break. This individual is someone I view as private but not reclusive. An individual who engages when others engage him. Myrthful, but only if asked. Similar in some respects to me. With that in mind I imagined that his moods would match mine, ergo; he would seem more melancholic when alone.

I looked over to him sitting cross legged on a chair stairing into the top left corner of the room. I do not know what he was thinking but it made him smile, almost laugh, and in that moment he seemed bathed in sunlight for the experience of his happiness was evident for anyone who saw.

It inspires me and reminds me that life can be/and is good. We need to appreciate the things that make us smile and live in the "being".

Quiet

I walked home frome work and listened to the sounds.
They were nice, they found a level of peace in me.
It was a comforting quiet place.

I came home and shared some time with my roommate.
Nothing special, just a few words and comments over a TV show, everything special.
When he left I could hear the breeze blowing in the trees.
It was a comforting quiet place.

In my room, lights are dim, the wind blows the trees.
The computer hums dimly in the background.
Sounds from the street filter through to me.
It is a comforting quiet place.

It all feels nice, but lacks the comfort of sharing and mutal experience.

Port

Oh drink of lush deep red
Served with truffles and chocolate you go to my head
Shared with friends you make me smile
In truth I know nothing of you except that I like you

Today I saw a brief show on Port, my favorite drink. Interesting that my Taylor Fladgate Late bottle vintage was the prime choice. Simply because it has a deeper aroma and thicker taste to it. The First Reserve was a close second. I always said something about Taylor was special; the critiques agree.

Randomness

What am I thinking?
will it be enough money?
will I be out of debt?
will I fall in love?
will I rekindle love?
do I want what i have?
when will I make a film people notice?
am I that good? (yes)
sex
more sex
relationships
money
friends
dreams
fatigue
do I look good?
will my back heal?
how do I make me heal?
why do I get stuck?
why do I feel stuck?
where do I go from here?
Will Halifax be a sucess?

A lot runs through my mind. Tonight I miss. Tonight I feel alone. Tonight I relish knowing that I have this much. Not more or less but this much and this much is more than I expected. Progress feels slow on a road to the unknown, but then again the path has a foundation.

Being

is the space of the moment. When my mind is at rest I can be there. It is the state of accepting all that goes on around me. It does not require anything other than breath. I am comfortable here, not expecting anything, not holding my breath, not looking backward or forward, just being. From this place things grow because there is no pressure.