Upside Down

I got up this morning.
My last few hours on the ship
And things felt a little off
I am excited for all that is about to come
But as I got myself ready to leave this place
I had a flashback

The first time I was here signing off
There was great excitement for I would be meeting you and learning about you soon
The second time I signed off
There was great sadness and pain for I still had no clear picture of the damage I caused and what it could mean for us later
Today I sign off with excitement and trepidation
For the outcome of those two experiecnces above is a world of opportunity but uncertain in its outcome
At one point the outcome felt obvious and we knew what it was
But I feel I have damaged it over time
The story took a twist and I no longer know how it ends
I believe I do, I see evidence to what I think, but like a good thriller
Even though I know what is around the corner
It is still a little scary until I actually face it head on

Finito

So it is here
The last night
Well last few hours
I have got all that I wanted
I have seen what I need
I was given what I did not expect
All is well
Tomorrow morning I leave the ship
To not return again
Thank you for the experiences
Thank you for my life
Thank you for letting me see clearly and find her
I leave what has become a hellish place
To start in my heaven
Smiles dominate and fatigue rolls over me
I no longer need to support myself in this atmosphere
I can let my body and my gaurd rest.

4 Days

I have done it

A bit over a year and a half a go

I was falling apart

My career had just reached a peak and felt collapsed

My relationship had folded (my initial choice our mutual later)

My living quarters, albeit nice, were stagnant and boring to me

My income was next to nil and I was living on credit

My life was officially falling apart and at a low with no sight to get out

I made a choice

Time to change things to break the patterns and find me

I found a path and got on a cruise ship

The environment was exactly what the universe needed to provide

My years got out of my way and I listened very carefully to what the universe had to say

I began to accept myself, my solitude, my desires

I began to take in what I truly wanted and understand the patience that I need to get it

I opened up my soul without really knowing what was happening

In the process

I found more than I could imagine

I discovered those things that I wanted

I began living a dream I thought was dead

The dream is taking me to places always wanted

It is complimenting the lessons learned in patience

Reminding me of persistence

All the while being the best thing in the world to happen to me ever

(I took  a second ship run in order to be able to better follow through on her my dream)

It was hard, it has been hard.  It was scary to step away from you for so long

In 4 days, just 4 days that choice comes to an end.

I will be finished the journey and on my way home

8 days later I will be with you and a new journey,

the one that is the rest of my life begins

It is so exciting for it is not mine alone 

but ours and it is finally upon us

Every second has been worth what is about to come.

Wow!

Lets start with it is okay to have some fear

Lets move to reality and discuss a realization I had

That in relationship there is not guide for the marker of what is right or wrong

With friends you know what to expect, you have other friend relationships to gage

what we like and don't like

But you are my only relationship, I don't have any other gage

Sometimes fear is overreactive because things are so much more intense with you

Than they are with friends

The intensity is a great thing, it is why you are mine and I am yours, and only yours

Our future is about to start and it can be daunting

You are worth all risks and chances for our future 

I will not back down 

My Future

Has a plan

I have gained an understanding

I have a priority

Once all of that is a part of my life without distance

Then two not one can focus on dreams mutual and individual

In the interim finding some stability and living like an adult will be wonderful

I know who I am what I want and where I am going

All can be achieved

Sacrifice

Laying in bed staring at the ceiling
On it is your face, a picture of you and a picture of us
I miss you
As I look at your these moments frozen in time
I recall the feelings they brought me
There have been times I have doubted
Gotten cold feet if you will
Afraid that I might do you wrong in our choice
Just for being me (you can do better)
There have been times I have doubted
maybe I am not enough
There have been times I have doubted
maybe you don’t want me involved
There have been times I doubted
maybe I too far away
There have been time I doubted
maybe I will not gain your trust
In all the times I have doubted
I have never strayed, never betrayed, never let you slip from my mind or heart
In moments of doubt we fear these things

Last night as I lay in bed I recalled our conversation
There is much going on and you need me
That is more important than anything in the universe
I knew it was time to go to you
To take the risks involved and get out
So that I could be near you
I realized I was willing to sacrifice everything for you
I am willing to do it eternally
There is no reason to doubt for I am willing to give it all

Memories

It has been a year away from you
Five weeks that is all we have had in person
That can be scary but also exciting
For the way that we connect is wonderful
We have much to learn
The unknown has so much in it
It is our chance to grow together

I can hardly wait for the moment
When I get off the plane and stand with you
Knowing I can stay, that I am welcome, that I am home
But till then I have memories

You have visited me twice here
And as I walk around I see you
(It is almost the same ship the memories are vivid due to surroundings)
There is the spot we first kissed, when my hand found its perfect fit
The chairs we sat in for our first date and the table we moved to
I see the spot where we started our night
The door in which you asked if we could meet
There is the corridor to your/our state room
The sofa in which you told me about visions
The dance floor
The space where I first had a drink with you

As I walk around these memories are all I have to keep me in touch with you
Well not exactly, the net, and phones help
But these memories are special
Like videos in my head they are tangible moments
Where you are present and I can recall very specific emotions
The feelings of love and desire
Want and need
Peace and happiness
All emotions that lead me to say
I love you