To work

It is not enough to desire

It is not enough to try 

It is only enough when you succeed.

Rock and a...

It seemed to me I had a plan.

Something that was simple and easy to execute

I am lucky in knowing what I want

I am extremely lucky in knowing whom I want to spend my life with

I have so many things, in just those two things that no one else has

Yet, the first has become a dream 

The second a possibility

I thought carefully following a route laid out would get me there

I have been proven wrong

I think of the universal guidance 

and wonder to myself how am I fighting it

for I believe when you work with it things fall into place

It feels easy but work needs to be done

So I sit 

Knowing what is wanted

Not knowing how to solve

Knowing...

Universal Guidance

I have never been good with change.

Well that is not exactly true

I move often without fear, I take on new jobs, I play different roles

There are many things that change that don't even phase me

Yet in opposition to that there are many things that do.

Something I have always marveled at is the contrast in emotional change

At the beginning he/she may be cute

At the end he/she is childish

At the beginning he/she may be tenacious

At the end he/she is stubborn

You get the idea.

This is a change I am not good with.

I don't know how to take that from anyone.

I don't see how people can feel so much at one point and then find its opposite at another

Along with that kind of change I am not good with breaking my routines

Now this one is interesting as it encompasses both the change I can and can't handle

For all my routines get changed when I move

But once I have established the new routine it is difficult for me to break

Now the one good thing about this is that I see it and I recognize it a foolishness

So I will often be caught taking a deep breath and muttering about change is okay

For really if you make the bed before you shower or after does it really matter? 

(exaggeration but you get the point)

The above statements apply so well to changed plans.

I recognize that plans change and nine out of ten times I will have the same amount of fun on changed plans as I will on the ones that were previously made

However; if I had my mind set on something ...

Well I am getting much better at taking that deep breath and reminding myself that change occurs

In the past two years so much turbulence has occurred that change is constant

It benefits me for I don't need to take the deep breath as often

I just roll with the flow

This is not to say I am perfect but it is nice to reflect once in awhile

And feel/notice that one has grown personally

I find that I am more open to change but I still catch myself 

With a bit of frown wondering when it happens

I am glad it takes less time to roll with it than when I was younger

This is not to say that any of it is relevant today or tomorrow

It is just the thought that travelled through my head today 

As I looked around at all the change that has occurred in my life 

Since I joined a little company for a summer show because of 

A guy I met doing an audition

Timing

There are some things in my mind

They are not sitting well

Time I say to let them sit

Time I say to see if it is just me 

Time I say to see if they change

Give them time

And then you bring them up

It is us finding us in a new environment

Courage, Faith, Trust, Love

Does ...

anyone actually read this?

About me

Okay so usually I write about/too/"poetic" things in reference to...

It is simple I am wonderfully overwhelmed by...

It is a good thing and when I write that is what I want to talk about

I don't want to discuss the other things because well they are not nearly as engaging

To let everyone know I am in a foreign country

(Laughable at that, foreign implies Europe and a different language)

No I am in the States, still foreign but close enough to home that I don't feel misplaced

What I am however is unemployable, illegal to work, without means of supporting myself

For those of you who did not know I spent a good year on ships clearing my debt 

Working, in a fun job, filled with bulls**t, to first clear my debt and second

To have the means to at least take care of myself while I was here

The second was not part of the original plan but while on the ships it most certainly became the plan

And it became the plan because my life was changed for the positive and taken in a direction which I thought was dead to me and impossible to achieve

So following the revamped plan I spent the second contract (making up the year) on a ship

I get worried it was the wrong choice causing much difficulty due to distance but truly

It was a rock and a hard place for me, spend time away or become a dependent

In the end I now have enough to support myself for a limited amount of time

Time in which we work through some bumps and move forward with smiles

Time in which I sit on a computer and put in serious effort to find work

Which given who I am is not easy

I am an artist and my artistic soul has grown and experienced

It is/I am ready to try again to prosper to glow

I see no reason why I cannot do so here except for a piece of paper allowing me to work

So I continue my search, hoping to find something that will suffice, 

Maybe a good audition will convince someone to hire me

But that is paperwork and possible cost to them, easier to hire American

I don't want to jump into the other thing

I don't want it to look like the wrong reason

I don't want to force the adjustment if she is not ready for it

I don't want to overwhelm or pressure

I don't want to have hidden unknown things that ...

I don't want much

I do want it to be romantic, wonderful and memorable

I want it to be loving and loved and free of all the don'ts

So I am looking into volunteering and also more "stable" lines of work

I am looking into writing to express my creative soul

I am getting up on a schedule and doing on the computer so that

I have a job of sorts

I am putting in much time on the Children's Theatre Company for that is also my dream

I want that to grow and succeed and be a huge part of it

That is what I am doing in foreign country

Following my dream of a woman who is my every desire

Following my passion to see a company grow

Following my idea to create in a different way 

While looking for something that may actually support me.

Movies in my mind

I see things very clearly

One might say hallucinatory

These movies in my mind

They are replays of moments that happen with you

Nothing specific

Nothing good or bad, just moments

What they usually do is remind of moments that make me smile

Moments when you are adorable, cute, talkative and open

Moments when you have a smile on your face and you

Have let go of or are choosing to share of things troubling you

There are the other times when you simply are free

Just being you and you respond to me, or interact with me

Moments when you are beautiful, stunning, awe inspiring

All these moments I take in 

Regardless of anything that is difficult today, tomorrow or in the future

It is these moments that I remember the most

It is these moments that make my heart hurt

It is these moments that make me overflow 

With love and desire and want of you.

Backwards

Everything I do comes out backwards

I don't understand

I think of everyone else

I do it with them in mind

Working to be respectful

It still backfires.

The Most Important Day

Of my life to date.


I am about to go to dinner and then
To the airport and then
To the south

I have travelled before
I have moved before
But I have never done this

I am excited
I am a little nervous
This move is weighted in us
I have only moved for me

You keep asking
Am I ready
The answer is yes
Today starts the rest of my life with you
There is only you, I want only you,

As this is the new beginning
It is the most important day of my life to date.

I can think of only one more day being more important
It will come.