Bohemeth

220 Feet in the air
Dropping at 125km/h
One of the biggest coasters in the world
It was fun
Wild Beast
Classic wood and shaky
Still more fun to me.

Afraid

I had a dream last night
First one I remembered in months, well since you
The dream scared me really scared me
I realize I had everything
I had a beautiful woman
In soul and body
Someone who I loved
Someone who for a period of time loved me
I gave you everything
Did everything with the intention of love and nothing more
I was not enough for you as a person
I was not enough for you as a monetary life
I was not enough for you in love
I was not enough for you

The dream scared me and I realized
I no longer want to be an artist
I want to be in the corporate world
I want and have wanted for so long
My life with you
Where did you go?
Why did you not want to work beyond the hurt?
Why did you not want to love?

I wish you would talk to me

Lessons

I am sad at times
For I have lost someone amazing
I wanted my life with you
But in all this I have learned

I learned how to love
that is a wonderful gift
Giving fully without reservation
Knowing all my actions and offers were done with you in mind
I am happy for that

I have also learned
You lied
You said you trusted when you did not
You said you wanted to work and solve when you did not
You said you loved when you did not

I cannot convince you to love
Nor force you to see anything different than you do
Until you are to choose to see beyond those three things
I will always be a bad guy for and to you
There is no hope if you want me to be the enemy
So I have learned to accept

What remains is me
and the focus must leave us and you
and become me
for all that is left is me being happy

I wish my happy was with you
I took those dreams away when I tried to protect (a lie to you)
I took those dreams away when I offered what I didn't know
I took those dreams away through ignorance which you pulled me from

I worked to solve all of that, I held to my love
I am happy for that and joyful
You took away our dreams when you lied
and never worked to solve

I have also learned no matter how painful
The truth is better, it is less painful than the lie in the end

A Psychic Memory

I saw a "psychic" not too long before I left for the cruise
I never told you this but this is what she said

You will travel by water (I did not know about the cruise at this time)
You will make/earn lots of money (I was broke)
You will meet the woman of your dreams/marry her (I was single, without hope)

The universe hands me many things
This is how I, in addition to all the reality of us, know that we are meant for each other
You said I was the one, I said the same, reality says other wise
Two of three, pretty impressive, three if you count the proposal
I am left to wonder...

What does the universe bring, how does it all wrap together
Hopeless Romantic has ideas
Realist has ideas also

Live by the realist let the romantic surprise me

Happiness

I realize that I simply want to be happy
Nothing more than that
Two days ago my future wife walked away from me
Told me she could not overcome our obstacles
The rollercoaster stopped and she got off

I believe she is afraid of facing something real with me
That what we have is true and it is overwhelming
That we can solve and become amazing
Amazing is a scary place if you are not ready for it

In seeing this I realized that she walked away
Regardless of if I am right or wrong
She walked away and I cannot fight or force her to love
So...I am left alone

I know what I want now
Happiness comes by accepting
I want a creative life
Which I have, and can continue to grow
I want a partner who loves me and is willing to overcome challenges
To grow in the face of ignorance and mistakes
To make us better by communication and trust
This will come in time by simply being

Last I learned something wonderful
I learned how to love
I gave my ex everything possible
I got rid of all my safety nets
I learned how to give of myself fully and truly
Right up to the last I continued to give without reservation or expectation
I loved, truly

I have been given a gift
And when it comes time to share it
It will be wonderful

I can still say that I love her, for that feeling does not go away
It gives me the strength to always be open to her
To never shut her out, to always listen and be willing to hear
To in that moment be feeling without resentment and interact fully truthfully
Maybe the universe will keep us in one way or another...The universe will let us know
But I know that this love can be placed in a special place
So that I can open to another
Soon, very soon
For today I am alone
There is no point holding onto someone who does not want holding
For that will only close me to the future
Thank you