Not

getting what I want from anywhere
I create my own life
so it comes time to start cutting what is not helping

Blogging

I started this to let off some of the wierd thoughts in my head
It felt good just to put them out there and have potential for someone to maybe gain some perspective

For the past bit they changed quite a bit
I have had such a wonderful, sad, joyful, hurtful experience with you

Nonetheless,
it would be nice to know if it was read by anyone
A comment of some form
anything

but then again who really wants to read sappy shit
at least I get it out of my head
but it is losing its intrigue

I would rather just be able to talk to the right person

Progress?

So I have an understanding with my self
It is an understanding that I know what I want
It is an understanding of a time line and how to achieve
My wants are still out there by many standards

The first is my acting
I recognize what it means to equal success here
I recognize what I need to do
I recognize the challenge
I recognize my limitors and not sure how to overcome them
They are not in my direct power
But I am taking steps and going to figure it out
I have four years


The first is you
Sort of
With so much distance emotionally
I don't really know you anymore
Not sure if you are willing to let me in
You seem to be starting in fits and spurts
And honestly that is not what I want
I want your trust and I want the giving you back
I have a little bit of patience left
Given all we went through, thereby not expecting everything immediately

Most of all though is wanting a life with you
Even when acting done or going forever, I want to share it with you
The two things can happen together, me and you

The two wants are now equally precarious
Because although there is progress and you seem to be sharing now
Well there is no idea or suggestion of you tomorrow
Just like acting
I book a big gig today
I may never book one again.

I guess I am realizing that there is progress on both fronts
But neither offers any certainty
I want certainty from you, or at least the knowledge of what you are consciously working towards
When we first met, there was no gaurantee, but at least then I knew you were falling in love and wanted to be loved back
With a hope in your heart that we would have each other forever

Now you could be plotting my death, your walls are that thick
Knock, Knock

Expressing

I want to write something
but I don't know what to write
communication is happening it seems
I am elated, joyful and happy
I would love to talk to discover to hear to listen

I am equally trepidatious
will action follow words
is this just communication with no outcome
will I be left hanging
this is fear of hurt and pain

I have felt both
I prefer the first
I guess I have written

Dreams

Hi
In my dreams again last night
Do me a favor
Be clear about what you are telling me
or at least get naked

Favorite Place

In the whole world
Is standing in the shower
Underneath that warm running water
So revitalizing and soothing and relaxing
Heaven is a shower that lasts for infinity

Missing

You.

Yes you.

You know who you are.

You are missed.

Each day I think of at least one thing I want to share
but there is so much more.

Each day I think of how I would like to be doing something with you
but there is so much more

Right now I just want to hold you and talk
feel your heart and your breath
touch your skin and hear your voice

I want to watch us grow old

Am I silly, stupid, ridiculous for thinking this?
I don't know
but it is how I feel

The Coffee Pub

I want to open a coffee pub
a small place that serves really good coffee
and nice pastries to go with it

Along with it will be a small selection of micro brew specialty beers
finger foods apps, like bruschetta to go with it

each table area will be reminiscent of chairs around a fireplace
the music will always be like Otis Redding or Al Green
and it will never be loud enough that people have to shout to be heard

night or day you can get your fix and a bite to eat
this is my dream

Trying

I give all I have
Right from the beginning
Without fail
Was shut down twice
Still gave all I had
Found even more to give
When do I stop trying
When do I stop giving
The second I realize that I get nothing back
and what I offer is no longer on equal terms

That return
That equality
Is what makes someone special
And until you I believed it could not be found
Day by day my belief slips away

I am good alone
But lets be honest
My life without you
Is meaningless and chaotic
Everything else I say to myself is a lie
Just to cope with constant sadness

Whatever works
Numb pain

What now?

I am a little annoyed with myself
Because I am not ready to move on
Each time I talk to another one I am wishing for you
Each day another something reminds me of all that I did with you
All that I want to do with you
I love you/loved you/ something anything

The point is that you have not demonstrated even any care for me since you said we should talk
And well that should be enough for me to say goodbye
Yet somehow we are still connected
I want to see this go all the way,
Where ever that is.

See I know I meant the words I said
I wanted exactly what I asked you for
I just had to go through some of the tuff stuff to get to it fully
I thought as I did you would be there with me, that was what we said
I learned from you and worked to solve the things that bothered you
In turn bothering me
But by the time you shared and expressed fully you were already writing me off

So now all this time is passed
I stand here with egg on my face
Not wanting to move forward because I still care and want to nourish the care
While you still don't even know what you want
These two facts bother me,
They don't coincide with anything meaningful

Conversation
That is a good start
I offered you patience originally
When you held your secret from me
The one that helped to crush us
Told you no matter what I would be here for you
And I still am
Even when I am hurting I keep making offers and apologies to you
So I accept your conversation and realize
It is all about patience

In the end if our connection means nothing
Then nothing will have changed from this moment
In the end if our connection means something
Then you will see me for all that I am
Nuff said
You don't see me for all that I am or else
I would not be wondering what happened since you said lets solve this and work on it

Annoyed

It was not the email I wanted to send
It was not the phone call I want to have
I get annoyed when circumstances outside of me
help to dictate my action

All I want is to talk, communicate, enjoy
I have no idea what you want, I just don't know
I don't want these outside circumstances to influence
what has recently happened between us

I feel sick
I feel shut down
All I can think of is it impact on you
But I don't think you care

October 3, 2009

The time is now 6:07pm.

At 2:00pm today I was to be married to the most wonderful girl in the world.
I still feel that way, but she is lost and hurting and does not know what she wants.
I am still hear for her, if she wants, but she has to act on that, I will never force.

It stings but it is life.
I am not married, nor fully happy, but I move forward for that is what I have left

I celebrated
I bought a meditation cushion
To help me get closer to my spiritual side

Talking

Is it possible to just talk?
Or does the past cover leave to many unanswered questions
to allow us to talk freely?

I think we can talk freely
It is possible
I think that basic questions about the past need to be laid to rest before we begin

the potential of the future is amazing
if we have just a glimmer of an idea of where it is going
it does not matter its outcome
but the idea to at least be at the same start line for this race
i think is a smart one.