Distance

A glassiness to the eyes
Unreturned words
Logic not feeling
Walls
Necessary things
Unfortunately understood and accepted
Goodbyes

Fog

I see but it is blurry.
I hear but it is indistiguishable.
I taste but cannot identify.
I feel but it is vague.
I smell but it is stagnant.

I proceed with each second and everything feels wrong. Not wrong but something does not flow with it. My soul has no sing, my heart has no beat. I know what it is but do not want it to be that. One cannot assume for there is too much doubt in that word. Why have I never been wrong about this assumption before? I observe and see, I want but know, stop. Yesterday was the day that I dropped all previous things... I have become good at doing that and truly living in this second based on these circumstances. I awoke this morning with the bland blurryness of my moments. In proceeding it feels like there is no destination. Looking back wastes energy, looking forward burns time, for in either state one is not being present and misses this second of life. Without that feeling of destination this second feels lacking.

My feet move the pedals, I veer left, I know the way. It feels like moving through the thickest fog. Labels exist whether we want them to or not, if we avoid them, someone eventually uses one to classify you. Then you have an existence a place a way to behave. I am an...what if my soul does not agree. I am that thing though, maybe not to me, but to that person and thus I need to respect them in the classification.

This is long, and has not an end. There is an emptyness which will miss certain things. It will gain others. chaos to nothing

When the teaching is followed there is nothing - which flows to anything in the known and unknown universe...anything.

Dreams

Not the ones we have about our future but the ones we have in our heads. I think they are wierd.
I see these vivid images rolling through my mind. So real I can touch them. They comment on my life, offer me advice, suggest plans of action, tell me what I am afraid to admit out loud, give me guidance. All of this in absolute clarity and honesty unhindered by anything else.
I wake up and recogonize the above, in recognizing I have already forgot the images.

Conversation

We talk we laugh we smile

We discuss we debate we delve

We argue we fight we cry

We talk we laugh we smile

We always come back to the talking laughing smiling

Foundation addendum

The real question that sits in respect to foundation:
When will I recognize that this already happens to me? When will I realize my friends help me in this fashion? When will I recognize that people treat me the same way?

Do I have this ability? If not then I am destined for a fairly lonely yet full existence as I continue like a "Doozer" just building.

an addition to "I have my..."

I need to write the book.

If both parties cannot hold onto what they want and weather through the storms then discussion before throwing yourself headlong into something is pointless. Which leads to the often critizied as pessimistic theory that "You only win at love once"

Given the ideal of perfect love is happily ever after (interpreted however you want)
Happily ever after ends when someone dies
Thus when you are on your death bed if the person you had that conversation with (steps 1-3) is their then you know you won.
Ergo anywhere along the line that person leaves you did not win because they are not there till happily ever after.

I have my s**t together

but really what does it matter? I know what I want but it never seems to do me any good. Because for all the knowledge about what I want if it does not mesh with someone else then it is worthless. Which leads to that wonderful question of how to two people really grow together?

You meet.
You go on a date.
You spend some time together.
(step one completed, you have interest in each other)


You spend more time together.
You realize this is not about a few dates or weeks.
You ask a lot of questions.
(step two completed you are on the way to something more)


You get answers for your questions.
You jump for joy the answers are what you want to hear.
You realize you have very similar if not the same goals, dreams, ideals etc
(step three completed you know your connection is deep)

There is no step four. This is where my mind gets a little bit foggy. If after understanding that you are on the same page as someone, that you enjoy the person's company, in general you like who they are, then isn't this the time when things naturally fall into place? (granted you continue to work on things) But people change, ideals get challenged, hopes fall, dreams die, life effects. So when one person begins to change if the other person cannot change with them, or is not welcome in the change then it has no meaning. Why go through steps 1-3 for that to happen?
I thought at one time and maybe still do, that this can be avoided if you put all your cards on the table at the top of the game. Step 1a. "Hi, this is what I want..." if the wants conflict immediately then "..stop right there, before we go any further..." (Meatloaf) you don't need to go any further. I guess the dilemma sits in the fact that if you lay it all out on the line and one person is not fully sure of what those wants are it is pointless to discusss them, you could get burned later. Really even if they are sure, if something happens to change those wants, you still get hurt if you are no longer part of the change.

I guess that brings me back to the question: How do two people really grow together? Is it a mindless hanging on for fear of letting go? Or is it possible to weather those storms of change and still want that person beside you? I no longer have any answers. I need a new chapter for my unwritten book.

Understanding

As time goes by I hope that I have understood everything I heard. I look back on a situation and I recall what I heard and how I felt; this is the basis for my action. What if I am wrong? What if I understood poorly?

I say something that is deep. It triggers response in you. It confuses us both. We can't look back. You say ...

In the end what does it really matter. You are not here with me, and you are nto even sure if that is what you want or if you can be here in a way that works for me. You need to know what you want.

Three days have gone by. Do I know what I want? The more time that passes the less I care simply because it is easier to be apathetic. I think a lot. This is not new. I know what I like doing and all the reasons I liked doing it with you. If you don't know then it is not enjoyable... it feels like a waste of energy to try and fight when you do not fight for it too. I choose to expend energy where it is wanted.

Our ideas of distance may be different. I cannot judge you nor you I for our differences. What will happen now? Funny how one month ago it seemed so clear. One conversation... no it is never that simple. As we look back we can see how one thing created a domino effect. Sad really.

They say the universe gives us what we need and i beleive that. I think it sucks that I feel as though I give everything my all and the result is the universe saying not this time. More to learn in the next thing I give you. When are the lessons learned enough to feel happy?

Lonely Evenings

It troubles me; knowing you are out there, confused, frustrated, trying to figure out if it is you, me, us. If you do figure it out that it will mean no more, or that I won't be able to accept it anymore if it means lots more. It rings in my head.

The night was sane; nothing special or piognant: just a movie and a drink. I wanted to share with you. You weren't here. I think, wow what great friends for me to want you to still be here. Is it enough or do we need more?

Communication

I say something in passing. Okay not so much in passing, it is something that weighs on my mind. It is a personal issue that effects. Not an issue that is ours to deal with but mine to deal with. Not an issue that requires me to step outside of us to solve, truly an issue that requires me being near you to deal with. I do what I can to keep it to myself, somethings need not be shared until the right moment. One night is comes out to another person as I look for security, you overhear it and it hurts. You never say anything about it and it weighs with you.

Months later I come to my conclusions and know where I stand. I am ready, I give, you stop me. Some offers of why I am held at bay get put on the table. Personal things that need dealing with by yourself, nothing about me. I understand and wait, paitiently, outside your closed door. I truly want in and the small crack which it is open is not enough for me.

Months go by again and we get to a spot. The door is still not open, I want in. You not sure if you are willing to let me in. Discussion, talk, blah, blah, blah. Finally you make mention of what you overheard months previous. Everything makes sense, every little action that held me at bay is understood, I see where there is a lack of trust.

This is the way this works. If I brought it up earlier unsure of myself and its results I fear hurting you or being hurt. Thus it makes sense to resolve by the self; if resolved we only grow, if not resolved in a given span of time I know I am in wrong spot. You overhear and don't communicate your pain, it never gets addressed. Months later the grain of sand in the oyster shell in an aching sore. We fall apart.

The universe provides us with what we need, so I guess we needed each other to this point. I guess it points to the fact that you were not ready for something, or that my ability to discuss was in poor judgement, or that I don't know how to truly bring things up in my own head or, or, or... it does not matter it has a result. This is now what we deal with.

Failure

When are we considered a success? I take a look at the things I achieve and they are all good. I have no complaints about what I have done. I take a look at where I am in this exact moment, in this exact second and it feels no further along the path than where I was when I first started on the path. Everything accomplished is wonderful but by society's measure it is not really worth anything because it has not netted me any monetary or material status. I know that this is not the measure of success for me, but in moments like this I feel it. I see my friends succeeding on that material level and I want it. I crave some level of tangible success a source of ongoing recognition.

Monday

If we did not have to work on Monday would we still hate Mondays? I think the hatred for Monday is a phenomenom created by having to go back to work (typically in unsatisfying positions). Thus if all weekends were three day weekends we would hate Tuesdays. Think about how you feel about going to work on the Tuesday after the long holiday week end.

Foundation

I get up in the morning and I think about what I need to do. Many months ago I decided that I wanted to achieve something. Each and every day I work on that goal. Each day another piece of the puzzle is laid as I complete the picture I want to see. These days are the foundation of my future.

As I build my puzzle, or lay down my road (I think that is a better analogy), I invite the people on the journey who I have faith in and want to end up at the same destination. There is no reason to be selfish and harbor these rewards all to myself. Further to that these trusted individuals will add to the journey will lay sections of road for us, the team will achieve more quicker than me alone. I believe that this is a good path, a positive way to live. It promotes joy and happiness as many people work and grow together. There is nothing wrong with it.

This road is the most current and many have been laid before, but I sit in fear for a change. As I look at all the past roads I realize that I have not seen the results and each subsequent road that is built is another attempt to achieve that first destination. I am afraid of building a road that will not get me to my destination. I take a deep breath and examine further.

I am happy for my trusted friends who I invited to join me on my roads, but they frustrate me. Each and everyone of them has reached their destination and is content with it. Each and every one of them found their destination because of the road I started and supported them on. This does not take away from their own merits at road building, but when would they have started their own highway if they did not know me? Finally, why do the roads I build work for everyone else? When will I reach my destination? Or who will invite me to their road in progress so that I can reach my destination?

I am tired of trying to find a new path. I want my road to reach a destination.

Change

Do you ever wonder about that moment when everything is set in motion? When you see the course of events where you are at today, this second, do you ever look back retrospectively and see the point where it began? The moment in time that began this thousand step journey? What if you could change that moment? or maybe not change it but see its alternate timeline? To say wow this is it, rush in headlong? To say this is not it and never go there? To approach with greater or less caution? Something anything.

As I entered this timeline some confusions sat with me. I chatted with a friend one day and the response was just flow, you will never know where you end up if you stop now. This of course was based on the idea that nothing was wrong or hurting in that moment and there were no definitive signs to putting oneself in a detremental situation. To this thought I agree. It was my own thought, in that moment needing some level of support which I recieved.

The difficulty sits in the moment when that path ends. The change sets in and so many new things come about. A thought of mine: Change happens instantaneously, the process leading to it is sometimes lengthy but when a decision is made then the change is instant. When that change is not everything I want I wonder about the moment that took me to the moment of change and think what if, wouldn't it be nice just to see the other timelines.

Finally, there is no regret in these moments. I choose carefully as to not regret. Also and more important every second before got me to here and here is valuable regardless of how it feel because learning occurs and I grow. In the end it is just curiosity about those other timelines. In the end didn't curiosity kill the cat?

Inside my head

I have all sorts of thoughts and ideas. Some of them may be prolific or maybe not. The point is not really whether they are or not however, the point is that maybe they will start a thought in someone else or maybe they will engage conversation or maybe they will enlighten or lead to enlightenment. They may do nothing. This last point I can gaurantee if I never put them out there and thus the creation of the blog...

There is a certain feeling of relief to know that these thoughts may be read. I invite comments and knowledge of what it leaves you with