Assessment

Five months
That is the length of time left on the tin can.

Nine months ago that is when I started
I had a goal
An idea
A mindset
All in place to help me gain perspective and change my life

I would break free from my patterns
I would gain understanding of my self
I would know if my career was the right choice
I would understand my love
I would make sense of my past
I would ground myself in my present
I would see my future
I would know my path

I did all of this and more
What is more?
You
Unexpected, welcome, loved
You have added to all of the above
Enhanced what it is
Combined the past dreams with the current paths
Made full bodied my ideas
Brought things full circle in life

Now it is five months till the tin can and I part ways
I have two goals while here
Make money and do the outlines
All my goals are post floating can
All my goals involve you and us in space together
They are my future

But in the future my mind and heart lay
They are not here for the present
Something I must find
I need to live today
But I find it difficult

When I set sail
It was with the plan
To gain understanding
To remain grounded
To solidify all things found outside the box
It would be wonderful and easy
In my spare time outlines would grow
In my daily life money made
Some challenge in distance but acceptable

It is nothing like that
I am making my money
I have found the time and begin outlining on a set date
For the rest I feel guilt
(Maybe too strong a word, but it has to do)
Responsible, that is a better choice
Responsible for the distance, which is much harder than I could have imagined
Responsible for not being present for the big things
(there has been so much, houses, hospitals, kennels, courts)
Responsible for the little things
(there has been so much, football, long days at work, stormy nights, drunk moments…)

You will not lose me
I will not lose you
But in distance you feel a bit like Polka Roo
Existent but when will I be in the same room at the same time as you?
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, to this I can attest
I want it to grow though and it feels like it cannot from here
There is a bit of a pause, an on hold, while I float
Walls are more complicated to climb
Sometimes, emails and phone are not the means to discuss what is on our minds
I want to be present but I cannot

Did I make the right choice?
Did I find the correct point of grounding?
I could not see any other solution
It seemed to make so much sense
But now it is something that feels wrong
My mind seeks for ways out, but it seems a long shot

It is five months
In the scope of life not that far or long
Will you wait for me?
Will you deal with this with me?
I know the answer is yes
But I don’t have to be excited about the wait till we get there