Waking Up

There is so much going on right now

Fabulous

I am acting

Reading another script for more acting

Reading another script for maybe directing

Auditions for more acting

Work is fun and money is coming in

I am blessed

Thank you universe

I woke up this morning

Alone

I realize I have no one to share this with

I thought it would have been you

I realized I am living one of my fears

Alone

It does not kill me

But makes me sad

When I am ready I will open to let someone in

Then I will share

Maybe I just need to learn how to do this on my own

Hope vs. Faith

How often have you hoped for something?

How often have you had faith for something?

I believe that hope is the action, mentally and physically of holding on.

Holding on in a way that is crushing, clinging, clutching and suffocating.

We wrap ourselves around the something and with all our might we hope that it will do what we want.

This is an act of fear.

Fear in its suffocating, holding, crushing nature is the opposite of love.

Love is the act of letting go.

Allowing something its freedom to do/be what it needs.

In giving it this freedom we offer true acceptance of what something is

True acceptance is true love and it is exemplified in faith.

Faith is the believing in something, and knowing somewhere within yourself that it will come to be the way we see it

We do not cling to it, crush it or suffocate it

Rather we allow it the time to go through all that it needs to go

Throughout this time we support it and offer ourselves in any way it needs

When it has decided and come to itself it will be there for us

and so our faith in it comes true.

The important thing which moves hope to faith is action

When there is evidence and outcome that things are happening

then we have faith.

When we nothing occurs and we are given nothing to see action

We hope.

Life Challenges

I have reached a point of frustration
Like that has never happened before
I do not feel like I am acheiving what I want
Emotionally.

I recently was given the tools to deal with this
Yet I find myself not using them
In the past few weeks I continue to question why?
I can solve but I do not.

I look at the tools and myself and know the answer
Using these tools will require me to dig into myself
Dig deep and face things
I believe that I am a good person, that I offer much
Yet I keep scaring women away from strong relationships
There must be something wrong
So what if I dig in and find I don't like what I see?
What if I find something I can't live with?
What if I find something I cannot get past or fix?

It is easier to carry on with what is known
Easier to face the existing blase
Yet it leaves me feeling depressed and sad
This is not living

I simply want to find someone who will share my life and take me for who I am
I thought I had that but I was wrong
Close but no cigar
Without work I will never have a cigar
So I write this to empower me to begin the work
Begin the work
Make the time to use the tools
and one day not miss what was but relish what is

Dates

I am in the restaurant
Having drinks and enjoying conversation
Another date

The woman is beautiful
Attractive,
Entertaining,
She holds conversation
and in short this is good

The point is it is in short
I think to myself why?
Where is the connection
How do I establish it
Where is the wow that makes me think I would like to do it again

Just over two years ago I said
"I would love to talk to you all night"
And I meant it so we found a way
Literally
And two years went by in bliss for me

I don't want to do it all again
To find I am wrong
To share to open
To be part of
Only to be lied to
Played
and finally turned away

I don't think
I will find the wow
for a while

Dreams

I have had wierd dreams lately
Involving people in my life
who although are part of it are more
in the outside circle

Dreams involving bold actions
big cities and then their contrast
meek actions or none

Vivid and powerful
yet I do not know how to connect them

Trains

I am on a train
Off to visit a friend
The train feels exciting to me.
I am glad to be going.
Doing something different.
I wonder as the rain beats against the window
If I am getting better.

I think of the day
The smiling I did
and I think I am.

Had a realization the other morning
Get the money and run
Treated so poorly why hang on?
Wondering why it takes so long to understand simple things
Oh yeah my heart was totally in it.

One day.

Contact

Just watched Contact again.
Thought to myself that I could review it and put it on my review page (rather defunk)
But then I thought I don't want to ruin something the impacts me by analyzing it

There is not much to the movie
Girl studies space, gets signal, big hoopla to go chase signal, gets to outer space, comes back no one believes her
Decent film

What makes it impact is love.
What?
Love!
There is a little continuing plot between Matt McC and Jodi F.
They meet, fall in love, she denies, he pursues at a distance, knowing she will come around
At the end of the film he is still there for her
In the face of the world's skepticism of her he stands by her side

In the last moments of the film he says:
"As a person of faith I am bound by a different covenant from Dr. Arrowway
But our goal is one in the same, the pursuit of truth
I for one believe her"

And there it is
The entire world stands against her
and this one person stands up and to the world says
I support her.

This is love and for Hollywood a very surprising truth of it
Love is support, in all circumstances for the person you love
Love is supported by truth and communication
It is a two way street

I believe in love
the same way some people believe in gods
When I give it
I don't hold back
I have met no one who understands this
and no one who believes it too

I find this disturbingly humorous
because we long for it, we seek it, we write
films, poems, stories, songs, paintings and other arts about it
We have it at the foundation of so much
and yet we never give ourselves the opportunity to accept it into our own lives
because we succumb to the pressures of the social conditions we as a globe provide

I query
When will we realize that our goals in life are simple? To live in happiness
by sharing all that we have within ourselves and not that which is outside of us!

Delightfully bad

Today I had but a short while for a snack before work
I reached into my pocket and had but a short budget
I was in the mall and saw the food court
Quick and easy, not so healthy but easy
I saw the sign for the 3.99 special
and I walked up to the counter and ordered
KFC

Oh so wrong and oh so right.
Not done that in years.

Writing

It has been some time since I truly wrote
So much has happened
Tonight I feel like just putting stuff down
I don't think anyone reads this anymore
But that is okay, if you do then feel free to comment

I have been realizing lately that my life is pretty good
I would like to share it with someone who simply put
accepts me for exactly who I am and what monetary status I exist at
if I was sharing my life with someone like this life would be perfect
I recognize that I am still sad because I thought I had this person
but well... there is a lot of posts expressing how I didn't

In realizing this I see that I am getting closer to simply accepting
This is my life, in all its glory
Tonight I went out and did some things I wanted
By myself
I realized that being alone allows me to live according to my means without pressure
and as each day goes past I slowly remove the barriers I see as hindrances
I think by the time my heart says it will allow someone in that close again
those barriers will have naturally gone away

We will see
I still hurt
I still miss
I still wish and hope sometimes
Love is a strange thing
I gave it fully and was returned nothing
not even respect as a human in the end
I wish I had done something horrible so I could say I deserve it
Oh well
So we live
So we learn
So our heart hurts
So our heart heals

Falling

We all fall down
What's important is how we get up.


I thought of this today and realized its truth
Regardless of looming hurts, past hurts, perceived etc
We are all the same in this one thing
Sooner or later we fall.
Getting up is what sets us apart

I wish I didn't hurt, still from these wounds
But I am standing now