Smith Rock

Barbecue the Pope 10b flash
Just Face It 10b flash
Unknown 10d, one fall

Surf the Clam 10a I was crushed
Unknown 10a I was crushed mercilessly
One other 10a I was munched

That just seems backwards, maybe I don't give 10a enough credit
I will, and I have learned
Smith will come again

Red Point- Woman In The Meadow 11a

I know I can do you
60 feet
One really hard section
Pumpy all the way up
I can handle that
You have a good rest
I have seen and understood your crux

I tie in
I move through you
One, two, three clips stress on the arms
Feet are working, rest, breathe
The air hits my back, still sore, worse since the last attempt
The gorge is beautiful
Move

Climb, crank, fourth clip
There is no where to recover
Arms
The hard spot
Rise into it
Slippy underhand
Leg into place
Drop the other
A moment is all I get to breathe
Breathe

The right hand goes up
The hold is beautiful
I have to put my left there
I slide the right, there is nothing
On the rock to hold or in my arm for a second to get my left up

The right goes back
breathe
The left comes up
Slowly one finger at a time I exchange hands
Slowly, Slowly, Slowly...

It goes
The wall slides away from my face
The drop is clean
Five, ten, fifteen, twenty feet
the rope catches the stretch kicks in
Mother

You are a project
You are a beautiful lady
I will return

Last Year

at this time I was dealing with a bad break up
a messed up soul
the confusion of my life and what do I do with it

I ended up meeting a wonderful person
finding the understanding of how I want to work creatively
falling in love
creating a show

one year has passed
I am dealing with a break up (not a bad one)
wondering how to find people who work the I want to work creatively
the confusion of my life and what do I do with it

I can see I progressed
It feels like I am at the same point
Again
When does my progress not sustain its action?
How do I help myself?

I feel I have no back up
That I am alone trying to face these big issues.

I am fortunate to have friends who talk to me
Who listen
I also need friends who understand and can help be proactive

Where is my Kermit?

Freedom

I have learned a lot about myself and my life changes in the past few days
I seem to assimilate well
What I learned has given me the freedom to let go
To have a better understanding
To let her be her

It does not mean I will not have sad days
But for the most part it means that I move forward
It means I let go
It means I accept

The rest sits in how we respond to what we talked about
and everything happening for a reason.

I open myself to the universe and the possibility it suggests to me.

I Want

To be rich famous powerful and successful
(don't we all, mostly?)
To have continuing ongoing creative outlet
To have a Brooks/McIvor business partner
To have a friend
To have a relationship equally returned
To have sex
with my ex
(some would say on my list this is not prudent. However, with everything I learned in the last little while I know I am mature enough to express this way and not have it cloud me)
To be debt free
To have my own place
To act

I guess this is a list of goals, maybe not completely but in many respects yes. In that respect the next step is creating a plan and figuring out how to get those things.

Today

I travelled home on the subway
Various stops various thoughts
So caught up I missed my stop
Am I okay?

At What Cost?

Today I had a gig in Yorkville. Nice area. I looked at a condo there for 3.5million dollars. I walked around and saw all these young couples holding hands, having lunch spending a whole lot of money. I stopped in the drizzling rain and thought I want to spend money, to be free of that concern so I could just let my emotions flow without hindrance of how do I get to the next step, without the competition that makes me sad when my friends move on. As I got a bit wetter from the rain I thought it is easy to make money to change all this, but at what cost? I love to act and this lifestyle does not really allow me the freedom to get a full time job and make lots of money to spend. More importantly doing that does not speak to my creative soul and actually crushes me over time. A few years ago I was so excited because I landed a flexible job using my creative skills that allowed me to comfortably purse acting. I still have that job and two others like it, but the contracts are not enough to meet my meager needs and live just a little. I took the telemarketing job to supplement but still not enough. How do we do it? Pursue what I love and live? It has been my dilemma for 10 years. I think the change can come by putting acting on hold and building some capital but I ask at what cost? I do not have an answer. It seems I don't have an an answer for much lately. If I had answers maybe my life would feel more stable today.

I have issues

But don't we all? I recently relaized one way which I push people away. First let me express that I beleive most issues stem from personal insecurites not from other people. With that in mind and the change in my life I decided I should look inward and let everything else go.

At this stage in my life I want a cerain level of monetary success and stability. I am tired of living the way that I do. So as I see my friends progress, with great support from me, I feel sad for myself not progressing. Unfortunatley I get a bit overwhelmed and my outward self ends up showing the quiet contemplative me rather than my excited inner self. I thought about this and put myself in other people's shoes when I am like this. I am sorry that I did this to people. I have been excited for you but I have also been selfish. In writing this I realize that I'm human, I do human things. I wonder how many I may have pushed away while I wished I could have their fortune or that someone would push me as hard as I pushed them to make that step. Regardless of the past this is my issue and truly it stems from one changeable thing...money. So rather than sitting and wallowing in what I have done I work toward the changeable to deal with my insecurity and just be excited.

Lost Connection

I am afraid of losing that connection. In all the time spent, the moments that are most valuable are the ones spent just talking. Not discussing or doing anything heavy, but those moments over a beer, or coffee, or dinner that were really just moments about anything. In these moments we talked about anything and everything. We connected and giggled and these are the moments (among many) I loved. So as I sit here remembering one in specific I think I do not want to lose that. I want to call and talk right now... but what to talk about? It occurs to me that in your current desire/wish/want there is an innate desire to retire some of that connection. That in making this move there is the active request to break and remove that which we know. With that as a truth then it becomes a challenge to redefine that which we are, ergo, we need to relearn and rediscover each other as different people. I want to do this rediscovery, I already learned the value of us and know it can only be good to continue. I beleive however, that right now there is nothing to be learned. We have discovered how the other feels and we know it. Until that changes and is let go what to discover? So yes my fear of lost connection is innate and true. But now in philospphizing and coming to the root of me I found something more fearful. Will you want to try to reestablish that connection when this current phase is passed? I know I do. I know what we discussed but with distance will you change your mind? You are allowed too as you are human but it is scary to me. I hope that we established enough for our desire to remain constant. To the future which holds all tellings.

Telemarketing

So I took this job doing telephone sales for the Washington Ballet, I needed some money and it seemed an easy way to make money as I teach sales skills in my day job. We have reached that point when the rate of contact is very low and the job is boring. What this lull in calls allows me is the time to think while I look out the window onto Adelaide Street listening to the phone ring on my headset. Normally this would just make for a very boring night; however, this monotony is quite medatative. As fate would have it, much has changed in my life that needs contemplation, or something. I believe everything for a reason and I guess the universe knew what was in store for me when they gave me this job. At any rate, I discovered a while back that blogging my thoughts clears them from my mind and allows me to move forward. So with that said blog machine, be prepared for some blogs.

Venting is all I can do

I feel so many things right now that the list is endless.

I went on a date not one but two with the same girl. I tried really hard to be excited to enjoy and be... but it was not what I wanted. I like being Kermit and having Miss Piggy.

Want.
I thought that when wants were established and shared that they were the things that held a relationship together. I thought that wants were the foundation because when the wants are different there is no point. I thought I had established the wants. I believed that it was there so I gave.

Give.
I thought when you gave if you wanted it to be true you gave selflessly and fully. I thought that you gave because you loved. When I found a part of me held back I did everything I could to understand it and then I gave of that too. I thought that if you gave it came back.

It turns out.
That I was wrong. That the wants were different, that the giving didn't matter. That all I thought was working was just work. Work in a relationship is bad. Or by perception that much work. It turns out that all that I thought was helping to grow was just helping to push away. How can two people be on such different pages and get along for so long? I wish I knew we were reading different books.

As I turn the page.
I wonder what I have read. It seems to me that being a nice guy equals disaster and abuse. That being an asshole equals destruction and being abusive. It seems to me that being myself and being honest equals a slow collapse. I no longer know what to do. Given my track record it seems that when ever I engage I get shot down. Now I don't know how much I believe all that as I look at the people who do work and I thought that that being the self was the one that worked. So I wonder why not here? The only common thread in everything is me so why do I keep putting myself in situations that equal this pain? Because I believe in love.

Love
Now that is a stupid idea. I recently requalified and learned that love is giving freely without thought or hesitation (my ideal maybe not anyone else's). But right now I don't feel like I know how to love or be loved and that I am not worthy of it. I thought love involved communication.

Communication
Something that I have undying devotion too. Correction. HAD undying devotion to. Because it seems continually that no matter how much I communicate it just pushes people away. That I don't really know how to do it. That my ideas as well thought out as they may be scare people, gives them false expectation, make them feel judged, make them try to live to a standard. It seems that my ability to accept people for who they are regardless of my thoughts never goes over well. Thus I see complete pointlessness in ever sharing my ideals again. I see absolute stupidity in sharing and giving as it only drives away the ones I want to hold on too. I wish I could just talk

Talking
Seems to be this free flowing thing that comes out of people that has no meaning. Words said that half the time are not supported and the other half not meant. This is the system of trade. I do not understand it and for that it seems I will always fail and fall on my face leaving to a life of solitude.

I Wish
That I could just sit down and sort this out. That I could look into loving eyes and see that there was hope. To know that this is temporary.

But
You have been clear. Your wants are diffrent than mine and what I saw as good you saw as bad. As much as I want so much more to be said there is nothing more than respecting that which has already been said and hoping that it holds true.

Finally
I know that I don't really mean any of this. I am hurt today for feeling so lost in something I thought was good. There was no miscommunication I was simply effected differently and because of my belief in love I gave. I hold no confusion over being swept away and letting all reservation go because it was worth it. In hurt, confusion and sorrow I know no other way to remove it from myself. I need to put it somewhere so that I don't go insane trying to understand what is very simple. I know this will be read one day, I hope you understand. I am not really mad, I am temporarily lost. Comment, call, discuss, never speak, do what is right for you. For that is one thing I now believe will always hold true.

Dramatic

All of a sudden things have changed dramatically
In a manner of days life jumps up and does a 180
I have always believed that change is an instantaneous process
The second the decision is made the change is immediate

The build up and the decision around that change however
Now that is what takes time
Semantics.

Regardless, I take a look at things today
In reference to yesterday, last week, month
They are totally different
Very few things have remained constant in my life during this time

There is a part of me that wants to give up
But I know with this change where my new path leads
It is an easy path to follow and many people will be left behind
It is unfortunate but true

I get tired of the change and wonder if ever in the change
People will come with me
I believe that to be true one day
But not today

I spoke to the universe and stepped outside of my body
In doing so I found what was above
I asked about what I was thinking, wanting
It said refocus
I did
I listened very carefully
Today is the day in which I make the changes

Weird

It has been a weird night
As I come home from where I was
I had some strange thoughts.
There is no way to recount them here,
Just the night's mood
Thoughts of change, past, present, future and
What if the ultimate happened

Who would think on it
Who would mourn
Who would cry, laugh, dance, care
Who would I call

It disturbs me to know who I would call
I never want to think that way again

Late Night

It is 4am
I am drunk
on 4 beer
I have my reasons
things change quickly
life proceeds
accept what is said
live in the moments

Now What?

I have been ...
hurt, angry, sad, upset, mad, annoyed, frustrated, nervous and worried

I have ...
vented, philosophized, hashed, discussed, debated, questioned

I will ...
let things go, move forward, focus on me, achieve my goals

Two days have passed and I don't know really what more to do
This time will be different