Ex

I came to a realization the other day
My ex who says she wants to be friends with me treats me like an ex
Can we ever become friends if she does not treat me like a friend?
Will the few times we talk just lead to a slow digression overtime?
I don't know but I will see.
It saddens me because she feels false, right now.
She claimed her intention was to be friends, something we both expressed a want of
In doing so I realized that I had to view her as a friend, it is perspective, friends are treated differently than exes
So if she treats me like an ex is she working on friendship?
I want to believe that the little communication we have, the few times we see each other etc are the steps that overtime will lead to her viewing me as a friend.
I understand that this takes time, but if you really want to get there why not challenge perspective and start right away?
As she said a few nights ago:
"Time will tell us where our friendship lies, we started in an all encompassing way, so our friendship needs defining."
I will give us the benefit of the doubt that these little steps define, and time will change perspective.
I hope I am right. I hate losing wonderful and inspiring people from my life.

I am not stupid

When I take a look at my life I can see a list of things that are not "right"
for each and everything that I see/identify I know the reason why it occurs in my life
it is a gift/skill that I am able to observe the "problem" and understand its source
I also feel that my identification process is not simple - meaning that I don't jump on the obvious answer but dig to find a root or a source

There is a Buddhist principle that all suffering comes from want
that in wanting something, by its lack you suffer
it is simple
it also applies to my self understanding/evaluation
I narrow down, understand the want, know why it is there, what it does or does not do for me.

What perplexes me
for all that observation and understanding
I seem unable to get past it
I still feel lost, hurt, lacking and unhappy
I have not discovered that art/skill of just accepting thing and being happy where I am

Maybe my goals are too lofty
Maybe my wants are too strong
Maybe I am bound by on outer opinion
Maybe I don't trust myself
Maybe I don't accept me
Whatever the reason this block, the one stopping a daily smile form on my face, is the key.

I have been told that in my quest for this understanding I am passionate
that in not being complacent, by accepting something I don't like, I am brave
that in seeking personal change and growth I am courageous
I believe and understand this.

I hope that in my next step on the quest I am not creating a temporary fix
(as the past feels that way right now)
that this time, that this choice in growth, gives me the insight necessary to walk on and stay on a path in which I will remain happy and feel fulfilled.

Wanting

I want to write but don't know how to quanitfy my feelings
I know what I want but don't know how to get there
I put things on the path but not sure if it is right
I look out a window and wonder

Doing

I am disappointed in humanity
Too many people say that they will do something and don't
The missed coffees, the follow up on a great talk, the truth in friendship or relationship that gets held back,
Overall the expression of doing something but not living up to it.

I think one thing that could make this a bit easier to accept would be owning it after the fact
The coffee is missed and you try to reschedule, own that it won't happen so it can be let go

Maybe I just expect too much and should lower my standards.

I am full of Passion

I was talking, just a few nights ago to one of my nearest, dearest and most wonderful friends
A person who not only inspires me, and whom I understand, what feels like innately
but someone who understands me and sees into my soul; most importatntly one who also chooses to share it with me.

So as we shared some wine and hopped to another bar for more wine
not only did we share a few big secrets about ourselves and us
but I was given a gift

My friend reminded me of the inspiration I provide
That in my quest, because I am not being complacent,
and because I choose to challenge myself
in order to learn more so that my dreams may/can be fulfilled
that as much as this process feels backwards
because of what it is and how I approach
It is a path that is filled with passion.

My gift, a reminder that I am passionful even when I am not pursuing that which "exemplifies" passion

Thank you friend and more.

Sunday and You

Standing there
I don't want you to go
I don't want to go
We have just spent an evening
I think understanding something that we knew was there
The evening was used to acknowledge it
The feeling is wonderful
The feeling is mutual

Neither of us wants to destroy what it is
Neither of us wants to push to hard
Neither of us wants to claim it fully

We understand that right now in this moment
There is a path we walk with some divergence
It diverges from what we just acknowledged
I admire, cherish, relish, value, feel for you, for your passion
For being so vibrant in what you are right now and I believe always will be
You admire, cherish, relish, value, feel for me, for my passion
For being brave in walking away to find truer meaning

That distance holds us at bay but does not diminsh what we feel
It is necessary to explore those individual paths right now
I know that whatever I am is 100 times more when I am done this exploration
Which will be all that much more for you, us, if the divergent paths come together

You expressed a fear of seeing what you want but being unable to hold it now
I know that whatever you are is 100 times more when you are done your exploration
Which will be all that much more for you, us, if the divergent paths come together

We shared and now know that there are so many times that we had the same thought
but for fear of breaking something already amazing by going to far we held back
You are brave for having spoke the words, I am glad that you did
So many times I looked into your eyes expressing how much I truly understood
Hoping you would be able to understand how deep it ran
As I expressed verbally, as close to the edge as I dared take us, without crossing the line
The universe works in interesting ways

I spoke about your purity
I spoke about my ability to see what you want/need
In holding back we mutually demonstrate how that suits us both perfectly
How we match in it
Time will take it where it needs to go

In the interim
A mutual desire to touch it, to rub our hands in it
A finger paint mural of exploration
Innocent but not
as innocence is lost in growth
in knowledge
This does not mean purity has to be removed

I see you on those stairs, needing to go, wanting to stay
I feel you on me, a moment of fully letting go
Oh the bliss
but we must go
How to claim it, knowing what we know?
How to claim it without destruction?
I ask, you agree, for the attempt of some more time shared,
Knowing what we now admit to share that time in that light
Without pressure because we know the path is divergent for now
And time will guide it us where it needs.

Oh the moment of clarity
This moment of longing
This moment where we both share enough knowledge of how dear we are
Knowledge that each other's growth is more important than the selfish desire
of a mutual want
Ironically making us want it more
Ironically encouraging us to continue on the way we do
Ironically and mystically drawing us closer together

Oh the things could I not even phathom
You are its embodiment

Stepping Away

I look around at the things my time gets vested in
It is time for me to step away from that which does not return what I put in

Universal Attendance

I walk away
I turn my back
I shut down my soul
I am tired
I am emotionally drained
I no longer want to give to you

My phone rings
The universe is calling
Here is a gift
It involves that which I walk away from

I do not understand these offers
I appreciate them, I love them, I am not sure how they apply today given the above
Do I continue to walk, or maybe run now
Or do I come back and redouble my efforts

Time and experience has taught me that redouble efforts do not pay off
Logic and self examination suggest walking away to find more
So why the universal taunt?
Someone anyone tell me what it means.

Losing My Religion

I have always had a belief
If you set you mind to something which you want to achieve and you take baby steps then you will achieve that goal
To stay on track for this you need determination, skill, dedication, persistence
All of these put together will equal the result.

I no longer believe this to be true.
In addition to all of these things you have to know what you want and want if because of the love for something
If this love is deterred or changed or imbalanced you will fail
This key element if vital

I have lost my religion for the time being
For my religion was this goal

Burning Man

I have been speaking of this new growth
Finding clearly the man in the mirror
the result of this is openness to my creativity so that
i can succeed in my creativity
today I am one step closer to getting away
in addition to that I ended up speaking with someone about a festival
which focusses on (lack of better terms) facilitating people to find
the man in the mirror
Isn't that interesting?
We do attract what we want when we put it out there.

At the same time that I want this man in the mirror to be clear
it is scary to put on hold or let go of my life's want to date
I feel dirty sometimes, like I sold out
I know that it is one step at a time and if I don't reevaluate
i shall not achieve my life's goals, however,
it feels backwards to step away rather than forge ahead

Tonight Addendum

I get up this morning and have a conversation with her
and all those walls thoughts go away
openness and great speech
It supports the idea that we just don't talk as much
and I am adjusting to not knowing everything every second

Yes there still have to be some walls, natural change, we cannot share the way we used to (we are not who we used to be) but I am not feeling left out

As I said before these are challenges that we/I face in this choice and path
Worth it to me still.

Interviews

I am good at these
I feel comfortable in them
I actually kind of enjoy them
Probably because I am confident at them
The results
I am doing a second interview and getting on a cruise line soon

My mother told me...

... there would be days like these.

Is the title of a song by Julian Lennon (John's son)
The tune sticks in my head even though I heard it in the 80's
I always imagined the song to be talking about days when everything just went wrong
Wake up stub your toe, your milk is sour, your bike has a flat and so the day goes
However, as I have gone through so many things these words now have emotional content to them
I can only imagine that as Julian sang this song he was referring to days that could not be defined by the regular scope of emotions
Up and down and just not feeling right about the self
Days like these
However, he could have been singing about days of beauty and wonder
I only know those words and the tune attached, I was quite young

Tonight

I should be asleep but I cannot clear my mind
I have had some thoughts that trouble me
They sit around walls
I was debating with myself about my limits
What I am willing to tell people and share
I have found that unless I don't trust or have been hurt by someone
I am willing to share everything
I don't believe in the idea that things should be hidden
I believe that if you are to have a relationship with someone
Friend or otherwise
Then true thoughts need to be exchanged
In writing that I see where some truths would hurt and need not to and I don't share those
So I guess I get perplexed by walls, I must have them but I don't see them as very recognizable
So as I try to find new friendship with my ex I feel obligated to put up walls
I don't need to though
I have no reason to
She in being she is someone I trust and therefore can talk to about anything
That friendship to me did not get lost, we shared that when we met and while we dated and nothing was done to break that trust
However, as we grow I can feel some distance,
Information that is not shared, but protected from me,
I believe that I can understand as it seems natural that some things need to change
However, as I come across little things I feel I am being left out
Like an inside joke has passed me by and the other friends get it
I know that in redefining it is wiser to step away and come back as "new" people
Let the bygones be bygones so to speak
This is not an easy process though, it challenges me, and I believe it worth the challenge
because my ex holds a huge place in my life for the friendship I wanted and we chose in the first place
I want to believe that the feeling outside will pass with time and that this is only part of the process of our growth
For if we don't grow then we are static and that just makes for bad blood
However, I will not know until the feeling passes that it has passed
That said I hit a note of wanting the result before the process is through
(I have been criticized for this before, and I trying to focus on process lately)
I don't want to be outside of a circle, I hate that spot,
Ironically, I don't even know if I am and this whole feeling is probably just a simple case of the fact that we are no longer dating and in so doing I don't know everything anymore because we don't talk as much - that is only natural
With all that said I started with the idea of walls
I wonder should I be actively putting them up, are there things I should just stop sharing?
I think not, that I should share what I would share with all my other friends uninhibitedly
(unless, asked not to discuss it, that is of course respectful and polite of any friend)
So I sit here while I should be sleeping, dealing with feelings of being left out, which are most likely just a natural feeling because we don't talk as much
I hope I am right and like I said time will tell
I hope that in time we do share, that we sit and discuss like before, (I know that we do in many respects discuss like before)
Damn the process of change, it fucks with my head
This blog is really long and convoluted but so is my head

Today & Brad Pitt

I got up today, still not sure how I was feeling
Unable to identify what the emotions and feelings are
Some days are like that
There is still a searching going on

I went about my day
fortunate to have the time to climb
I had a meeting as well, one I wasn't sure about

I went and laid things down with my friend
I know that my goals need shifting and found a way to do it
Knew I had to talk to this person as they have the space to help
So we discussed and some doors opened up
Things have positivity associated to them now

I meet another friend and enjoy my time
Head off to work
Standing outside, on a break
I look to my left and Brad Pitt is standing beside me (about 4 feet away)
Having a smoke and working on lines for the movie he is shooting on the third floor above me

I don't want to disturb him as I am not a star struck person
As well, he has his people nearby so I figure if I engage I will be politely asked to leave
So I take my time to watch him a bit
He is about 6foot tall
Does not look that big
I am surprised he is not a stunning looking as I thought based on photo and film
But I can see the draw to him
He paces a bit while he does his thing
Stops and pulls out the blackberry (probably Angelina, LOL)

At any rate, I watch
He looks like everyone else
He does like everyone else
And I saw myself in that moment
I have done and will do again what I watched him do today

I wonder, what does the universe throw at me when I walk away
What does it say?
Does it beckon me back?
Or remind me to follow the path and give me the clues to say when you are done the search?

I took some steps today, to work with the people who can make all my goals come true
They want to work with me, 10 years in the making
I understand the heart of my lofty ideals and I know I am closer to me
In so being I am closer to Pitt.

Progress II

In discussing the idea of progress with my friend a new thought was presented
Often people set lofty goals which are good for them
You need to see a big picture in order to attain, whatever you want to attain
At the same time however you need little ones so you can feel successful
ie: I want to own a mansion
If that is the sole focus then with each larger house you buy you run the risk of not appreciating it because you have potential of this thought
"it's nice but it's not a mansion" or something in that vein

The little goals, like "I want to own a larger house on the way to the mansion" are the ones that help us live in the moment. They also help us to measure our successes. In turn they offer us a greater opportunity to be happy for growing.

Or something like that.

Progress

I beleive that on all levels we grow/progress
We age/grow
our feelings/emotions change
our ideals/beliefs are not static
relationships mature

Everything about us on some level develops
and most of it at an unconscious level

I beleive that when we cannot make tangible our growth
by doing something that feels progressive, and something we can see
then we are affected negatively because at an innate animalistic level
we are crying out "how come everything else in you changes but this does not"

In my Dreams

You are the bitch that I tell off
You are the lover that should be
You are the sex goddess that cannot be sated
You are the perfect lover
You are my wife
You are my mistress
You are my friend
You are my enemy
You are the woman who takes advantage of me
You are the woman I take advantage of
You are the one who got away
You are the one that stayed
You are them all for in my dreams I can live the moments that life does not allow or may not be appropriate.

I have a long way to go

I met up with an old and dear friend tonight
We talked and caught up
I was glad to hear so much has changed for her
She is doing really well, I am excited for her

As the conversation shifted she asked me about me
For the first time I was able to verbalize and admit a lot of the things that are behind my changes; things that I knew were there but finally are on the surface
Recognitions that I cannot deny and realizations about why there is so much value in what I have to do
To truly be me I have a long way to go
But being able to recognize how much and why makes me feel better today

Secret to Happiness

Get a job you at least enjoy
Have some spare money
Make sure you like your friends
Have some spare time with them
Love yourself above all


Pretty easy

Ahhh...

I feel frustrated
I want it all now
I want everything to be smooth
I want my friendship to be without weird moments
In time ... I guess
Transition is weird
Not use to this
But willing to go through moments like this for the outcome

Walls

They exist everywhere
I see them and feel them
Maybe I should learn how to create some for myself

Creativity

For all the changes going on I know one thing is right
My soul screams to create
I want to partake in stuff just to partake
My passion exists
If I give myself time away it will be a fire that cannot be stopped