My Passion

Ever since I was a teenager I wanted to act
It is the thing I enjoyed the most
I have pursued it with undying fervor since that first night on stage
There are many years behind me in that pursuit
There are many sacrifices made
There are many tears shed, drops of blood spread

In that pursuit I became tainted
Followed for the wrong reasons
Tried too hard for the wrong outcome
Lied about what I wanted

In admitting this
I accept my flaws
In accepting I am able to see a glimmer of the untainted passion
That brief flickering flame is enough

I look at my recent past
I assess my current journey
and I understand that everything I am doing
Every push I make
Is too discover myself in greater detail
In that discovery I am passionate
In its purest form
I dig, I delve, I sacrifice in order to bring that to life
So that in understanding passion
I may cherish it again, because
I would rather die than settle for something which I am not passionate about

Moulin Rouge

To experience love so strong, so powerful, so intense and passionate
That you would give up your life.
That you would crush your own soul to give freedom to another.
That feeling is the only feeling worth fighting for
To settle for anything less is incomprehensible
And that which has the power to destroy humanity
One soul at a time.

This love is the passion that should drive us in everything we do
So that every waking second of life is filled with the fullness of life
In being full it bounds with joy

I cannot settle in any aspect of life
I would rather die
In searching I only want to hear three words
but those words must be filled with the
Unsettling Passion.

Alone

I didn't realize taking this job was touching on so many things
Yes I wanted to get away and do some things for myself
Yes I wanted to challenge me but I had no idea it would hit this deep

I fear being alone
It is why broken relationships are hard
Now I realize that making these choices are challenging that fear

I fear being incapacitated by health
My health record came back a bit shoddy
Need to get second report
Dealing with that insecurity

I fear situations without gaurantee
Is there ever one?
No, but some things have a feeling of security
My friend of sixteen years, we will grow, we will be different
but on my return I am sure we will move forward
There is one friend I have no gaurantee with
I am facing that uncertainty

Finally, in all of this I never thought that I would choose to actually go alone
Not physically but emotionally
I could never have phathomed that I would make a choice to be alone
As that is my greatest fear
And here I go into unchartered territory with no back up.

I made these choices from a simple premise
I wanted things in my life to change
Living the way I was living could no longer continue
The last relationship was a perfect indication of that
Something good ruined by my stagnation
So I made my choice, it was simple
Get away for a while, change it so much that I couldn't help but be different
It was also an escape
But now I see the universal guide letting me in on so much more
That this ruse for escape was salvation

Yes I am scared
But I have everything I wanted
So that I am different no longer stagnant
It is exciting.

Time to pass a medical exam.

Departure

So I got assigned to my ship today
I leave Dec 9 and return June 15, 2008
Wow

I am super excited, I am scared, I am overwhelmed, I am bouyant and every other emotion I can think of all at the same time

I am also sad
There are moments we won't touch on
I know you offered that acting on this would be selfish of you
That my path was important
I know the same of me to you
So we have been apart but closer
Now the time comes that we will be apart
It saddens me

I cannot predict the future
But I said that this journey would make me more of who I am
Better for me for you
So maybe for us when I return
Time is its own place and cannot be harnessed
Know that we will act in our moments
So that we can live of course
Know that in this moment our separation pulls a piece of sadness from my heart

Compliments

A few posts ago I mentioned how I felt like one of those people in the headshots
Well today while I was ushering a fellow came up to me
"you are chaos right?"
"Yes i am?"
"You auditioned for me three years ago, you are really good"

'Nuff said, I come into my own.
Take my break and the rest is history.

Learning

I came to the realization that I truly know nothing
That all my wisdom is only truly applicable to me
And the question is:
How applicable is it, or how much do I know if I continue to end up in the same spot
The universe is so big
We/I am so small
What I store in my mind is nothing
For all I may know it is infinitesimal compared to what could be known
And as it is all my own experience it has no true bearing for anyone else

I recently watched a friend create some music
One of the most moving pieces I have heard
He created it because he was truly moved in his soul by certain events
The result was this piece of music, his song
I couldn't help but realize
That if I am not creating because of being that moved there is no point
And from that came the idea of how much do I know that I want to share
and then it hit me
I truly know nothing

Why?
He too has been in a similar state of searching/solving/understanding
His wisdom lead him to some personal growth and advanced his position
His growth to the song
I believe the indication of knowledge is the process of growth

Talking

Sitting there, just the two of us
One on one
(the way I seem to communicate)
How many years of friendship between us?
It is a really long time
There is equal value in our relationship
You have grown gained knowledge which I only skim the surface
I have learned more of the practical life
When I share you are able to say give more
But I don't understand, and everytime I do get it you have learned more
You take from me my practical but it does not matter to you
So lost in your knowledge
I want to catch up to you because it will give me peace of mind
As my troubles fall away
You want me to catch up to you so that you don't have to continue picking me up
It hurts you to see me struggle and fall, with so little gain
It hurts me more
You have pointed it out though
The struggle and fall equals so little gain
Others without your knowledge think me brave and courageous for delving
You may see the same but wish I understood a more efficient way
That makes two of us
For all the bravery though there is a point of resignation
How many years have you known me?
How many times have you seen me fall?
How many struggles of similar nature?
How much gain?
The pattern is there and it seems to not go away?
You cannot help
I am who I am, this is how I learn, you try to accept
That for all my push I am still pretty trapped

1am Sushi

Sitting with the boys
It is 1am and we are having sushi after working out
I am laughing and so are they
We have been laughing all night
Since we started the workout and we arrived we have been laughing
It is a moment, a space I am unfamiliar with
Hollywood shows us what friends are supposed to be like
And I never understood it
More moments like 1am sushi and I will

Weather

Today is the first snow storm of the season
Brutal but pretty
Freezing rain which became snow, became rain etc..
I like the beauty of winter, I even enjoy the cold if I am properly bundled
I also enjoy sharing it, frolicking in it, laughing in it.

I woke up knowing what outside looked like
I wanted to be a little kid and run around
I thought of you joining me but you were not here
I wish you were
I wish you were always by my side

Acid

Now this is a drug I have never tried
Due to movies and friends I feel I have an understanding of what a flashback may be like
(but I don't know for sure)
Regardless, I keep getting flashbacks
Of moments in time that were good
But now are gone for good
And due to the association with the person/persons in the flashbacks
I want to stop having them
I am tired of passing a spot and remembering something
With the knowledge that a great moment like that won't exist again
(at least not with that person/persons)

What makes it annoying more than anything is this:
I don't know what/why they started happening
The images (like all my images are vivid) so they effect my mood
I don't want to be effected I have been happy and enjoying life for a while
There is not reason/desire to return to those moments
So why are they occuring in flashback?

Grandfather

I was lying in bed last night
and a moment occurred to almost overwhelm me
not sure where it came from
it doesn't really matter
It was the feeling of missing the wisdom of my grandfather
He was exceptionally wise, and although I know I gained much from him
I shall not be able to ever again do so
It surprised me as it is many years since his death
to be struck by it last night? Hmmm?

Ziploc Baggies and Sunday Afternoons

I woke up smiling
Today I get to see you
Not just a moment but a day
Mid afternoon to whenever

We have plans (which amazed you)
Something we can do together to spend time
Communicate, learn and understand with each other
(I do eat tofu, no zinfandels)

We walk we talk, we TTC we talk
There are moments I get nervous
What do we say, does it matter
I want to know everything
I realize I am still not to good with silence
I try, the day goes on, you say more
I always know you have something in there

It is cold outside
Nice to be in
and when it is done we sit
Ahh the peace to just be near you
Your presence I smile
You share
It is still scary
To go there is so much more
than going there any other time
If only we could have
"a bubble, a ziploc baggie"
to seal, explore, "for two no ten minutes"

Yes that would be great
Until then just doing being living
Respect and we know it
Caution and we know it
Desire and we know it
Yes I get scared
I breathe
I place no pressure on me or you
Time, build, fight for wants, drop needs
Allow ourselves to do something
With consciousness

Symphony

I attended the symphony last night
I understand why this is such a pleasure
Even during the pieces I did not relish
I was relaxed, soothed and coddled by the music
For the pieces I did relish
I was mezmerized by these fifty people working in unison and individually
I was transported to another place by the power of the music
Held aloft by invisible water while I floated on the crescendo of music
Lifted and engaged at the level of my soul

Head Shots

Sitting at work
Calling people at home
In front of me sits a brochure
With head shots of all the personalities across each page
Each face smiles, or even if it does not smile
There is a look of contentment in their eyes
Something about their face which says I am happy
These pictures captured all these people
Expressing an innate truth about their life
They love what they do and smile all the time about it
I am one of these people

SILENCE

I am a talker
I love to talk, to philosophize, to debate
I love sharing on a verbal level
Over the years I have shared without inhibition
Maybe almost without thought

There is so much I want to say now
So many moments that I feel require attention
Moments that should be pinpointed for their poignancy in my/(our) life

But I will never share them with you
You will never here those questions from me
You will not know that thought or that moment

For I have learned that some things need to be dealt with in me
That if you are to get them you will understand them through action
You will bring them up with what you do/or recognize what I do
Some things need to live in silence

Memory

Memories come to my mind so often
Little things trigger them
A place, a smell, a word, a look
I remember both "good" and "bad" things
I find however the "bad" memories are stronger
They stay with me longer,
They are more vivid,
They effect my mood for longer,
What silly things
I want the ones that effect me positively to linger longest
Is it a conscious choice?

SEX

Is it a friend or a foe?
Having it is great
But only with someone which fulfills your needs in it
Not having it sucks
Having it can cause chaos
If your needs are not met or if it has no meaning
Not having it can be great
As it removes confusion of emotion
Is it a friend or foe?

Sunshine

The sky is dark today
But a beam of Sun has broken through
It is pretty and it makes me smile
So many things happen in life
It is always good to remember the little things
Living without regret becasue we end up where we are based on each action we do

situation

so i was in a situation
not bad not good just was what it was
in the middle of it i was caught in an image of you
drawn to you wanting you more than ever
for if the situation involved you it would not be a situation
you would never put me in this place

i took a hot shower

Waking up

Still gets me sometimes.
The lack of a warm body beside me.
The comfort of knowing someone,
in both your happy and dark moments,
will stand beside you as the daylight crests the dark sky.

I guess not having that fully
Is the reason I wake up alone
And until someone offers it fully
It is pointless to chase just for the body

(Although the body does have its advantages)
*Sigh*

What is it?

I just got this job that is going to take me away for travel
The first trek is six months
If I play my cards the right way
Then I shall be gone for up to three years
This is great and I am happy about it.

The key in this though is that my departure date is not set
There could still be up to a year before I leave
So how come the majority of responses that I get from people
Mostly aqquaintance type friends and family
Are based in the nice knowing you
Don't forget us little people
And sorry to have missed you before you left
Responses.

There is lots of time to say hello have a drink and sit down
Does anyone actual listen to what I am telling them about my departure?
Why are so many treating me like I left yesterday?
Wouldn't it make sense to find time to talk instead of sign off?

Fighting

I said a long time ago
That I will no longer fight for those who do not want to be fought for
I stand by that
Everything is a two way street

I think every now and again I still put in a bit more
But as I go through change and look at what was offered
It was not a two way fight
I did not raise my sword
I had no reason too.

I will not now begin to draw when it is not necessary
And I will hold for the people who say struggle with me
The blade is sharpest when used in necessity
The man weilding the blade more precise for having chosen his battle wisely
The outcome more desired

Brighter

I woke up today and the world seemed a little bit brighter
I put in some work, hell a lot of work to change some things
And the work feels progressive
I got hired for a job I want
There is a big project in the works
The universe feels like it is working with me
I feel like I am touching on the things which I truly need and therefore I get closer.

I felt a moment of loss as well
People who are close who cannot get close enough because I am leaving
I guess that change, like everything has two sides to it
Yet for all that in the moment of loss I reminded myself
These changes are the ones I seek so that I am more of me
That these changes sucessfully fulfilled will bring all that much more to me