Ouch

I am here in Canada
Working my self crazy to make some money
So I can return to you
I love you there is not a doubt in my mind of my feelings for you
I do everything in my power to demonstrate and work at that
We hit a snag
A big one
One that came up a long time ago
I remember sitting in a mall and saying
"I want to deal with this now because if we don't it will haunt us"
You agreed and said you were good when we reached our conclusion

I get so hurt
Because I trust
I listen to people and I accept what they say
With you I watched your actions too
For the most part your actions were good
But I saw them slipping.
I didn't acutally understand so I could not speak about it
I found out that the words mean nothing
It has come up and is the source of all this chaoas
Your subtle actions were indicative that we had not dealt with it

I trusted, still do, that we have what it takes
I trust you
I love you

I knew you were hurt and since that day have been working to clear it
Yet you didn't trust
The work feels in vain
Last night I found out for sure that the work had failed
That we have a long way to go
That the circumstances are different
That we face so much
Becuase of broken trust

You too had your secret
Thought you were helping by not sharing
Thought you could save the collapse
but realized you were the forefront of the already falling stuff
Now you see how it hurts us

Could you not see that the same logic
That used to help protect each other
Is the reason we both had a secret
That in knowing you did what I did realize that I was working for us
and from that trust me?
I trust you for that reason, I trust you because I love, I trust you because I want you and I am willing to believe we are more.
I trust you because you are human and it was a mistake, I will not hold a mistake against you
I trust because I truly love

So I sit typing
Alone
Cold
Hurt
Broken
Staring triggers from the past in the face
Knocking on closed doors to your soul
Hoping they will open

Because when I choose my words I stand by them in action
I love you said I
I meant for life
I meant that no matter what the difficulty I want you
so I stand and fight
hoping, praying
My past teaches me that this is all in vain, that no one uses words like me
Words are cheap to most

I hope and I fight because I want you and I want your words not to be in vain
I saw our past, when we were good
You saw our future when we were great
We live our present, and experience the struggle

I hope it is a short struggle that represents our visions

Life

So once again life takes another turn
I feel sick to my stomach
and a bit out of control
That which I thought was stable begins to fall apart
Or maybe it begins to get better
I really don't know
I have given everything without reserve
I continue to fight and challenge for I don't want to lose this
Yet it may not be my choice

I think I lose myself in giving so much
I complete each and everything asked and work to make happy
I think in there I lose some self expression
I think I do to much for the other and not enough for us

I smile at that though because I have been thinking
I feel empowered because I can see it
Because I don't want to lose you I want to change
Because the environment will be different I can express more
Participate more, be active more
I remember that I have likes and wants too
Those need being met also, I cannot always do for you

I know this time I am here for the right reasons
I did not lie to myself or to you
I followed a truth in feeling and emotion
There was never any alter motive
and there was never any breach in conviction, it was always you

Those last two paragraphs make me feel stronger like myself
And I am happy from my inside for them
It means I have strength and can see it thus can change and make better
I have spent time writing and seeking and breathing
I have asked of me the same questions asked of you
I realize I have nothing hidden I am completely open I gave all
I want to be part of our all

For the first time in my life in this situation
I don't feel I am to blame
I don't feel you are to blame
For the first time in my life I realize
we are people who made choices
each with its effect on us
it does not matter as they are past
they need some discussion but not much to avoid repeat
they need some focus to illicit change if that is what is wanted
and the only reality is what is here and now in the moment
If we live in the moment, using the past to make stronger choices
there is the best future ever
Without this there is no growth and ...

If the emotion still exists then that is what is real
All else can be conquered, if we let each other in
without reserve for that is what the emotion is

Things I Recently Relearned

Happiness comes from within and is accentuated by your partner (I am not good at internal happiness I want yoga to help me with that)

One does things they fall in love with and never knows what happens (it is why I am where I am. I just did according to my love)

Once you have it the rest will come (I have difficulty accepting this, I strive for structure)

It all starts with Desire (I have plenty of this)

It then just begins to grow.

My Memory

I have been thinking a lot lately; trying to gain clarity ("do or do not there is no try") to regain myself and stay positive. As each day passes just a little bit comes clearer. Today as I lay thinking, or more appropriately allowing for no thinking so that things would just wash over and through me, I became clear on my memory. It is known that I have an amazing memory, provided that the person who in am hanging out with can say the right triggers to open that section of recall. Without the right triggers my memory is shite. Today I realized why, for at least some of my recall issues not all. I am remembering a recent moment with you telling me important stuff. At the start of the message was something important to me but this point was not nearly as important as the overall point of the message. I remember saying to myself "remember that because it is somthing for later". Anyway I listened intently to what you had to say and its value and impact was that much that it became priority. We talked about it for a bit and now as I recall I cannot remember that thing which I wanted to so desperately remember. So today I learned that when I have several things of importance to hold to, all given to me at once, and all connected then I seem to only remember the thing which is most important and defines the overall moment. So does my memory work. I am sorry for all those forgotten importances.

Bike Ride

It has been a long time since I have been on a bike
A really long time
So today I hopped on my bike
And rode into the city
For a weekend of work
Spaced between the work I shall see some friends
They are letting me crash on couches it is nice
I was to go out tonight, hang out while a friend worked
Some clubby arts event
My legs are killing me
After close to four hours on a bike in total plus all the sun
I think I have bit of fatigue and sun fatigue
My head is pounding and I am dead
Just staying in and breathing tonight
Let legs rest as I will be on them all day tomorrow at work
Oh the things I do to get to my dreams!

Subway Revelations

Picture this

Sitting on the TTC

Red seats and silver everywhere

Found a comfortable spot on a late night train, 

My own little bubble, no one near me

Picture this

Dress shoes, socks, pants and shirt

Looking all prim and proper

Yet I sit with my knees pulled up to my chest

My arms wrapped around my knees

Fetal in a seated position

The position does not match the attire

I realize I do not match the attire

I can play the role

But it is not me

I like pubs,

I like jeans,

I like jazzy, alternative background, Nova Scotian music

I like to just be a man of the earth

I am such a simple person

I have no real opinions

I am not knowledgeable on politics,

literature, current news events or anything for that matter

(although I do have opinions on film and theatre)

I honestly never have much to say for I would rather be silent than ignorant

Or stupid in the face of those who are knowledgeable

I sit cradled in my TTC chair, wrapped like a vagabond

In clothes I wear but do not fit well

and I wonder

What is seen in me?

What value to I have?

Am I a good person?

Should I be kept around?

Am I worth it?

These are the thoughts of a man lost

One not sure how to reconcile the expectations of the world

Versus where I actually am and what I want

I get scared about everything tangible

But I stop daily to breathe

Yes I said to breathe

And to listen

I do these two things to check in with me

I don't ever want to mislead, or lie, or confuse, or falsely carry on

For anyone of importance ever again in my life

I have done so before and crushed, Never again

So I stop each and every day

I ask the same question and l wait

The answer is from the gut without impediment

I ask it again and question the answer to be sure

It is the same

My emotions, the way I feel, the way I want

In respect to you is unchanged

It rings true and sings to me

You are the only thing in my world which I know for sure is true

My place in the world in the universe is emotionally with you

You are what I want

Everything else is chaos but you are a known in my life

I only want that known to be true on both sides

I fear that the chaos in everything else about me is not fair

Or that is scares you away, or that it equals your loss

I only want the best for you because I know my emotion

My emotion sings with you.

I am tired.

Not physically but emotionally

Not in my feelings towards others

But in feelings towards myself

?

Exactly

I am tired of pushing and prodding and fighting and biting and scratching

My way for the things which are necessities of life

I have been dealing with it a lot lately

It has affected me most of my adult life

It effects me more today and right now 

Than any other time in my life

In reality it does not effect me so much 

As it effects you in turn us

This is why it effects me so much

I can deal with anything, my past has shown me that

I cannot deal with my crap effecting others

It is not fair

I smile, I think so much of others, in the way that my simple existence effects them

So in turn I must always speak of me and think of me so that I can change my impact on others

Crazy how that works

At any rate this has been on my mind a lot lately

I recognize and I know that I work to solve and that takes me away

That I get caught up in it etc

I also realize and know that attitude changes many things if not all

So I have been reminding myself that something big is happening this summer

Something big is happening this summer

Let me restate something big is happening this summer

With that said everything will change and be alright

No more in time, no more I want, no more soon

But this summer

Pickles

Have you ever noticed that pickles are the most amazing food

I mean go to any restaurant and order a sandwich

If they don't bring a pickle it just isn't right

Just think without that crunch, that satisfying bit of refreshment would be pointless

Pickles, a perfect food?

Hamburgers, hotdogs, sandwiches, on their own, a late night snack

Pickles!

Knowledge

I know exactly what I want

I am crystal clear on it

Without any doubt or confusion

This is not my problem

My problem is that I do not know how to get there

Especially while maintaining that which I already have and want

Perception and Delusions

I thought if you followed your heart your dreams came true

I was wrong

I heard myself say I wanted something many years ago

I followed it diligently for a long time

I watched others, took classes and learned the steps to success

I failed at all those attempts

I am no further today than I was at the start of the journey

I thought if you followed your heart your dreams came true

I was right

I heard myself say I wanted something years ago

I followed it diligently for a long time

I experimented, talked about it, listened to others and practiced what I understood

I failed at many of those attempts but found them to be little steps to the big one

I have what I want today

Both of the above stories are true in my life.

Two different dreams

One a pipe dream 

One a reality

If they sit in those categories then one need observe the way they are looked at

In observing and realizing that one does not seem to progress and one has

Then one is delusion and one is reality

I cannot live in a delusion world and maintain my reality

I could live in a delusion world but then I would have no reality (te he)

So it only makes sense, get rid of the delusion fully

Heal the self 

Live in reality

In two days I head home.

In some ways to face the things I have not/cannot achieve

I was looking at a friends website today

It has grown dramatically

I remember when he was just starting out

A small room for a reading series

I don't know that the series is that much bigger today

In terms of audience or attendence

But his site is massive, with contributors and ads

And all the things that make it look successful

I could have been a part of that

I smile because I know had I stayed there it would not have been the right path for me

And I would be unhappy

So I don't regret not being a part of it today

What I get out of it is that a friend had a vision and it has come to fruition

I think it is great

I am troubled because my vision is not in fruition

One that I have had for a long time and I can only think I did something wrong

I don't know what it was though

I don't know how to fix it

It occurs to me that fixing it is not necessary for that is the past

What is important is remodeling, reinventing for that is the current

I have been doing that to some degree

Yet it feels like every time I make a step forward my past choices create blocks

Unions!

Well here I sit, unknowing of the future

Feeling lost and down

Basically feeling like I have not done anything in the life achievement category

I am still me, struggling to get somewhere, thinking that I won't be able too

I here all the adages, Yoda stands out the loudest

Do or do not....there is no try

If at first you don't succeed try try again

For every major success there are thousands of failures before that

And so I go on, this time not knowing exactly how to do it

Wondering if my vision is strong enough to get me through

Okay time to breathe, I have bounced every other time in my life

This will be no exception, I always find a way to happiness

The future

is a place that I do not know.

Living in a day to day basis is hard for someone like me

Planning, hell I had my whole life planned by the time I was fifteen

I achieved so much

Gained so little

But have much more than I ever expected

It is a weird little dichotomy that I don't understand

I stand on the cusp of doing exactly what I want

What I have dreamed of

At the same time letting go of so many other things

The dream fulfills my soul

The letting go challenges my self

I don't understand where life takes me

At one time I truly did

But now I have no clue

I have followed my gut

Listened to the things that said break the rut 

Moved away from all that was destroying me

Found a new life completely

One that was always in my desires

But did not learn how to merge

Maybe the merging comes later

Maybe it comes when I just accept and breathe

It is so hard to be humble and accept 

When I want to be brave and support

I don't like being down

When I want to carry

Yet here I am.

Just me, facing things I did not think I would face

Maybe pride, maybe lack of action, maybe just lofty dreams

All have let me be

Yet all the above mentioned lacks have brought me to happiness in other aspects

There is an adage of having cake and eating it too

This is my life in the moment