Life

So once again life takes another turn
I feel sick to my stomach
and a bit out of control
That which I thought was stable begins to fall apart
Or maybe it begins to get better
I really don't know
I have given everything without reserve
I continue to fight and challenge for I don't want to lose this
Yet it may not be my choice

I think I lose myself in giving so much
I complete each and everything asked and work to make happy
I think in there I lose some self expression
I think I do to much for the other and not enough for us

I smile at that though because I have been thinking
I feel empowered because I can see it
Because I don't want to lose you I want to change
Because the environment will be different I can express more
Participate more, be active more
I remember that I have likes and wants too
Those need being met also, I cannot always do for you

I know this time I am here for the right reasons
I did not lie to myself or to you
I followed a truth in feeling and emotion
There was never any alter motive
and there was never any breach in conviction, it was always you

Those last two paragraphs make me feel stronger like myself
And I am happy from my inside for them
It means I have strength and can see it thus can change and make better
I have spent time writing and seeking and breathing
I have asked of me the same questions asked of you
I realize I have nothing hidden I am completely open I gave all
I want to be part of our all

For the first time in my life in this situation
I don't feel I am to blame
I don't feel you are to blame
For the first time in my life I realize
we are people who made choices
each with its effect on us
it does not matter as they are past
they need some discussion but not much to avoid repeat
they need some focus to illicit change if that is what is wanted
and the only reality is what is here and now in the moment
If we live in the moment, using the past to make stronger choices
there is the best future ever
Without this there is no growth and ...

If the emotion still exists then that is what is real
All else can be conquered, if we let each other in
without reserve for that is what the emotion is