Subway Revelations

Picture this

Sitting on the TTC

Red seats and silver everywhere

Found a comfortable spot on a late night train, 

My own little bubble, no one near me

Picture this

Dress shoes, socks, pants and shirt

Looking all prim and proper

Yet I sit with my knees pulled up to my chest

My arms wrapped around my knees

Fetal in a seated position

The position does not match the attire

I realize I do not match the attire

I can play the role

But it is not me

I like pubs,

I like jeans,

I like jazzy, alternative background, Nova Scotian music

I like to just be a man of the earth

I am such a simple person

I have no real opinions

I am not knowledgeable on politics,

literature, current news events or anything for that matter

(although I do have opinions on film and theatre)

I honestly never have much to say for I would rather be silent than ignorant

Or stupid in the face of those who are knowledgeable

I sit cradled in my TTC chair, wrapped like a vagabond

In clothes I wear but do not fit well

and I wonder

What is seen in me?

What value to I have?

Am I a good person?

Should I be kept around?

Am I worth it?

These are the thoughts of a man lost

One not sure how to reconcile the expectations of the world

Versus where I actually am and what I want

I get scared about everything tangible

But I stop daily to breathe

Yes I said to breathe

And to listen

I do these two things to check in with me

I don't ever want to mislead, or lie, or confuse, or falsely carry on

For anyone of importance ever again in my life

I have done so before and crushed, Never again

So I stop each and every day

I ask the same question and l wait

The answer is from the gut without impediment

I ask it again and question the answer to be sure

It is the same

My emotions, the way I feel, the way I want

In respect to you is unchanged

It rings true and sings to me

You are the only thing in my world which I know for sure is true

My place in the world in the universe is emotionally with you

You are what I want

Everything else is chaos but you are a known in my life

I only want that known to be true on both sides

I fear that the chaos in everything else about me is not fair

Or that is scares you away, or that it equals your loss

I only want the best for you because I know my emotion

My emotion sings with you.