Changes

I have been up and down lately
A bit all over the place
It is a sister to depressed but not
I was disgusted by its presence so I asked
Why are you here?
It told me a simple answer
That I do not have what I want yet
That I do not enjoy what is here
That I did not get what I want

In its simplicity I was left with a simple answer
Change the things that I do not want
The space in between the fulfillment of those changes
and the start of those changes is up and down
Because in that space I still live with the things I do not want

I think to a degree it is unfair to put yourself out there for what you want
and not receive it
Philosopy would argue: "You did not recieve because you didn't want it enough, or it was not a true want. Find your true want it will fall into your lap"

A New Challenge

Lately many of my friends have been coming out of nowhere and surprising me with unsolicited commentary on my skills (this is not unwanted and I am exceptionally greatful for it, thank you all) Comments about how accomplished I am, how fortunate I am to pursue my dream, how talented I am, that it is only a matter of time till I get exactly what I strive for. I love it. It has also made me think. I carefully went through as much memory as I could handle in search of a moment similar to this. It has never happened to my knowledge. Over the years I have been given support and I don't doubt it, but I have never had it in such an unsolicited abundance, it typically comes from one or two people at a time who pass me a word of encouragement and unknowingly keep my drive going. This wonderful flux and abundance of praise feels awesome. Again thank you.

Many people know of my changes, the things I am doing differently, the new angle whatever you want to call it. It is my new challenge, it is a scary one, it is the one that will open new doors and offer some clarity, it is a departure for a while. I have stepped onto a new road, one never travelled by me, one that I know nothing about and not sure where it will take me. After twenty years of familiarity I am working on breaking it to see something else, to expand in a new way, to achieve what I want from a new perspective. It was suggested that there may be a giving up going on, a running away, and now I have a question?

Do you think less of me for this? Will I lose you because of this?

City Travel

I watch the people I pass
The ones I share transit with
The people of the city
Has something changed?
I do not notice the blatant displays of affection
Less people seem involved
Those involved seem/feel disconnected
Going through the motions
I do not remember this
It used to drive me crazy the numbers of happy couples
Am I descentizied?
Maybe I am okay on my own now
Either way there is a shift

Not pushing

Sitting here enjoying being
Sharing laughing smiling talking
Is this a moment
The moment
Should it change
If anything I learned not to push
If it is it will be

The Door Prize

goes to me
who got hit by a car door opening up
on my way
laying in the street thinking
did it happen
yup it did
I was a bit slow on that dodge
pick yourself up so as not to get hit by the next car
drag you and your bike to the curb
by okay, tore my seat, waterproof it may no longer be
knee is cut, shoulder is sore, hands scraped
nice
off we go to the rest of the home journey

Paper work

I just finished mailing reviews to all the people "who matter"
As I wrote each individual card my mood sank just a little bit further
For all this work put in, all the years of knowing the business end of my talent oriented life
Has it helped?

It is daunting
It makes me sad
Reality four of those people "who matter" saw me this year
They had never seen me before

Every little bit counts

Connection

I was at coversation seminar tonight
Something I have always enjoyed doing
There was something that the speaker said that struck me

"connections are the things that fuel life"

I agree with him
I know that right now I am not full of fuel
I haven't the connections
and yet even for knowing that I don't want the connections

More appropriately I am very specific with my connections
I don't care to meet anyone new
I will only get to the same spot I did with my last one
So why do it again
One issue has not changed yet

So going out for these connections is pointless
Equally so it is tiring to go out for the connections to change the issue
I put in a lot of time doing it
What if it is the wrong path
What if?
Point being it is tiring.
So I just want those results to be in my lap
God sometimes I wish I did not pursue the arts
Fuck
Sometimes I wish I did not live in North America
Sometimes I wish I could just come across people who could accept me
Sometimes I wish the people who could accept me had their shit together to accept themselves
I don't think it is too much to ask

In my head

It amazes me how long things stay in my head
Things that are past and done
Things I don't want a part of anymore
Things that have no current bearing on my life
Things that are resolved
Things that I let go of
Basically I am referring to the things I dealt with

So why do they stay in my head?
Why are their triggers so accessible?
I say get the fuck out I am done with you all
I want to sleep again.

Finding

Lately I have been feeling a bit out of sorts
Not depressed, but not happy
Teetering on the edge of one or the other
Nothing is really wrong in my life, but nothing is really right either
I have a goal
I am working on it
I know the energy will take me there
In the interim I have a job that is covering the bills and giving me a bit extra
Not doing to well for the social life but I am managing
So why the blahness?

I realized today that it is because of a sense/question of failure.
I want to take a break because of where I am with my career choice
I want to reinstill the right reasons and strongest choices to take me further
Not necessarily further being successful (though that will not be turned down)
But in terms of personal fulfillment, knowing that what I am doing is for the right reasons
For me
To look at my work and have it done because I crave doing it, love doing it can't live without it.
These decisions are good for me, they will bring out something that I have never shown, so much will change, has changed already
In this it is positive and joyful
But I teeter
Having to step away,
Does it mean I failed?
Was I not good enough and thus got lost?
Will I get what is missing?
Am I a hack facing his reality?

I don't think so. But when I look left I see these things
They are sad thoughts, despairing thoughts,
When I look right, I see the other things (aforementioned)
They are happy thoughts, joyful thoughts

So here I stand on this swaying high wire walking to a stable platform of opportunity
The distance seems attainable.

morning

i woke up feeling sombre this morning
i wanted to reach over and hold her
but she is not here and will not be
that is not our place anymore

today i miss that comfort
that warmth
that reciprocation

the sombreness came from wierd dreams and left quite quickly
the day picked up and all is good
all was good in the start

i had a feeling this morning
one i want to acknowledge
that as much as i move forward
as much as i change
it does not negate my past
i still care

Drunk

I just got home
Had one too many
With a good friend who gets closer everytime
I love him to death
He is talented,open and inspirational

In moments like this I miss so much of my life
I wish someone was here with me
To hold to touch to laugh to cry
missing sucks

I know I am good
But in moments like this
well
nuff said....

Single

It has been a while now that I am single
Yet it has not been until the past few days that I have really felt it
In so being I am enjoying having my own space
No commitments
No specific need to call anyone
Or confirm with anyone
It is just about me

I have not really felt lonely
I am okay being single
I think that as I go through these changes I will relish it even more
Finally taking myself to a place where I am truly comfortable with me
And then seeing what happens

I cannot do anything

I can't do anything right
If I stay you are mad
If I go away you are mad
Talking or lack of frustrates you
And now this

You said we were done
You said you did not want that from me
You said you did not want to share
You put up walls
You held back communication
I accepted
I begin to act
You hate me for it

Then why ask me to leave?

I have asked these questions before
They always plagued me
They create bitterness, hatred and walls

If only my actions were what you thought
Then at least there would be some sense to this hurt
You got what you wanted
That initially hurt
I dealt with that pain
And now you lash out and hurt me even more
because you got what you wanted

I cannot do anything right

Confusion

I do not understand
All the things we said, everything discussed
and in one moment taken the wrong way it is removed

I am being punished for heresay
I was told I had a friend
friends take the time to explain, to question and
most importantly to understand each other

I guess the things we say have no weight in the present
If they have no weight in the present then how could they in the past
because in the past were statements for the future
statements that said we will get there and it is exciting to get there

All taken away
I do not understand
Maybe I am one of few who holds true or at least honours my words
And gives credit if there is change
So that friends have a chance to understand, grow, accept

Late night again

We meet, old friends
Dinner still fresh in my belly
So I chat while he eats
I am so tired from the night before and the day of work
"Don't bail!"
"Where is this party?"

And so we adventure to the place
I am under the Bay Subway
I have always wanted to see this
Tired is true but this moment does not happen often
Live
I grab the red wine
We party with all the others
I step out of the stationary TTC car
"Hello"
"Um, hello"
"You are?"
And I wonder how?
"Walk with me"
And so we do
Just little circles around the platform
Our acquaintance feels to familiar
It feels nice
She smiles and giggles
I laugh
We walk, talk and mingle
It is a moment one worth enjoying
Time to go
And I wonder how?

Another night

We have dinner
The conversation is engaging
We have much in common
From different times in life
I understand her past
She my future
We can communicate and have fun
The time passes freely as we enjoy
There is no pressure here so we stay
We chat
Eventually time to go
We arrive at her car
We part with the knowledge of another night

How?

I am standing on the rooftop patio of an exclusive club
The veiw is stunning, truly one of the better in the city
She has invited me
So much inticement in her voice, her body
and I wonder how?

Five hours ago I stood outside
A place barred to those without a paper a pass
We wait, my ego sinks, if not in then I should be out
We wait, we move, we return
Someone knows someone
"I'm sorry sir, I had no idea of course"
The gates rise, I hold my pass, the rush comes

I move from place to place
I know these people
I talk, I laugh, I am enjoying this moment
"Excuse me, just want a glass of red"
"Can she have a glass of red"
"Of course sir"
"Thank you"

It is a moment
Time goes by
People leave
It is time to go
I turn around
"Thank you for the red"
"Your welcome"
"Are you coming with me?"

I wonder how as we exit?

Returned

So I have returned from Halifax
It has been two days and things have been a whirlwind
I have not had a chance to think until now

I am glad to have my own space
I do not need to answer or justify myself
To anyone any more
It was getting tiring trying to exist in a place where no matter what I did I was wrong
It made me feel guilty for being
Even though I should not

I held my tounge
There is/was no reason to point out everything
Why antagonize?
I know that many things came from stress and angst
Space was/is needed
It does not excuse or justify it just makes it an understood reaction
It created anger/hatred in the moment
I worked to not act on it

It would feel childish
I am glad I did not
That would have been hard/increasing tension
Pointless really in terms of growth
In reality I am sure I did my own half of this equally

With that said there were equally a number of great moments
Where my friend shined through
Those moments let me know that as time grows so will we
I think in the long run it is all good

Time is my gage now
I know who I am

Space

I need some space.
First of all I came to Halifax to do my show. As it turns out I also came to Halifax with my ex girlfriend/co-creator/friend. Not the way it was originally planned, but it is obvious that friends is a better place for us. The two weeks have been up and down, mostly up, and the last few days have greatly indicated that in the end our friendship has great possibilities and will most likely work. I honestly did not think that I would be able to write that three weeks ago, but the universe has interesting ways. So all in all that has been positive. With that said it is time for some space from each other so we can fully establish patterns as friends (we have been confined to each other as we know no one out here), time to get back to the real world and interact "normally".

Second, and this is what it really is about. I have been doing my thing for twenty years. As a catalyst to change, doing my show and breaking up were what I needed. I want and need to get away from everything that is familiar to me and spend some time alone. I was able to do it in short jaunts here and know that space alone facilitates me in personal comfort.

A friend implied that I was still trying to impress people and not being myself, thereby, blocking my potential in everything. Another friend commented on my performance, "you tend to build a house and say look what I did as compared to live in the house" These things I know as innately true and I accept them.

The change that exists is one that says I need time to "live in my (proverbial) house". I want to do that and experience that by leaving behind the familiar and going to do something unfamiliar. I want to travel by myself and see things I have never seen. In order to do this I need to change things now. I need to have the capital to spend five months on the road. So in seeking space, I want to get a job, that will allow me to do this. I want to step away from my current patterns and fulfill this path. Next year in July I want to start this new journey of travel.

I am open to any possibilities that will afford me this change.
So I put it out there to the universe,
I want to have the means to travel for five full months next year
without worry or concern as to how to go about doing it.
I want to explore myself in the open space of the world without the burden and concern of money holding me back.
I want to be free of my fears so I can go beneath my issues and uproot them.

Just a few more days..

.till I go home.
till life goes to a normal spot.
till there is no stress.
till there is no curiosity.
till there are no walls.
till there is reality.
till there is forward movement.

All this does not mean I am not enjoying myself
But the circumstances here are interesting
My ex and I get along and are growing well
But this much proximity is most likely not healthy
For either of us
It can be trying. I want to rant and scream but really
Would that accomplish anything?
I know most of her behavior is situational
As is mine
So I let a lot of things go to minimize or avoid conflict
Unnecessary conflict.

I would rather the time I am having now, which is
enjoyable, with moments of stress,
as compared to the potential for constant argument
if either of us brought up every little situational thing the other is doing.

Thus just a few more days of enjoyment.
A few more days of stress.
A few more days till forward movement.

On the up note. I am festering a new idea in my head.
I like it because it does not seem to go away. Thus I will
give my hand a shot to write it once home.

Wolfville

So I came to Wolfville for a day trip and a private little get away
Thought it would be great to do something other than just wander through the Downtown of Halifax
Wolfville is great.
I stayed at a really peaceful B&B
I used the hot tub
Had a great dinner
Chilled in a huge bed
I walked around the town (Acadia University is here)
Saw some gorgeous mud flats that fill with water every 6-8 hours
I did not realize that I am in the land of the highest tides in the world
The mud flats are amazing but to think that they will be full of water shortly is cool
Checked out some old houses and just meandered through a quiet little, once thriving, port town
Wonderful day, relaxing, and allowing my mind to flow