Foiled...Temporarily?

So I am looking for work, so many are.

I am in a foreign country, which makes it a bit more complicated

I found some work, yay for me

I got a wonderful offer, yay for me

The union is blocking me from taking it

This bites.

I mean when I started in this industry I could not get paid because I was not in the union

I was limited to volunteer jobs and hack work to build my resume

I built it up, I survived for 10 years

I got into the union

In the last while things have changed dramatically and people can't afford the wages of the union

So now I can't get paid because I am in the union

I am forced/choose to step outside of my speciality and focus 

Just to survive

and now I see the union has jurisdiction there too

so now to make a living I have to go to a profession that I have no desire to be in at all

and forgo my dreams because the union which protects me won't let me work

I will petition and find a way

But I am getting tired of fighting to do what I want

I thought if you pursued your dreams and lived by your heart you got somewhere

Right now I am frustrated.

Communication

Everyone carries some baggage

It is only human to hold onto things of our past.

For some that baggage is light and simple, a fatigue due to an ex who we may never think about again

For others the baggage is life's tragedy and its impact will never allow them to mover forward

And then for others yet again they are somewhere in between these two

With baggage one thing seems common.

The way that we hear people's speech

This thing is not solely referenced to past romantic relationships

But truly to all relationships

Ever had a parent constantly nag you to speak up?

They look at you and say "Well....?" expecting the answer

Picture it, you're at home with your special someone

You're having a good time, laughing, being playful and all those things

Your special someone looks at you and says "Well....?" in that same tone.

Your mind goes into spasms, your stomach churns and your wonderful little moment is gone

Words and tones become associated to people in relationships

They have both positive and negative impacts

The thing to remember is that not everyone uses language in the same way.

Although it is the same phrase that sends chills down your spine it is not the same tone.

And unless it is coming from the person who you associate it too, then it likely does not have any connection to the same meaning

Suck it up, remember that each person is unique and so is each communication

Jump out of your Pavlovian response and be yourself, 

Respond to this new person in the way they make you feel.

Falling

Jumping off a tall building will eventually kill you

But the jump is not the culprit

Nor is it the thirty six story fall

Falling does not kill you

What kills you is the impact when you hit the ground

Impact kills, play safe, go no contact until its worth it

Proverbs

Yesterday is the past

We cannot change it for it is history

Tomorrow is the future

It remains an unknown

Today is a gift

That is why it is the present

So approach it like it is Christmas day and tear into it

Confucius say:

"Man who go to bed with itchy bum

wake up with stinky finger"

One cannot judge another 

Until they have walked a mile in their shoes

Love is a two way street

Share the road

What goes around comes around

so treat everyone equally

You never know who will be in the audience

Always give it your best 

Have sex on Wednesdays

It is hump day after all

Everyone likes a hump day

Live every day like it is your last

It just might be

Never hide from sharing your feelings

Make sure that everyone always knows how you feel

Make sure if you feel bad you solve it

If you are upset with someone get through it then not later

You never know when you will see them again

Do not put off till tomorrow what you can do today

A penny saved is a penny earned

Its better to burn out than fade away

Try everything at least three times

The first time you are inexperienced and adjusting

The second time you are getting the hang of it

The third time you have the ability to make an informed decision

Besides the global sport of baseball gives every player three strikes

Millions of fans can't be wrong

Accept people for who they are right now

Do not judge them for their past

For their past is what makes them the person they are right now

The past, good or bad is irrelevant, you have to deal with the person in front of you

Remember to fuck

Remember to screw

Remember to have a quickie

Do it in the shower, on the floor, in the kitchen

Outside, inside, and anywhere you can 

But always remember to make love.

Friendship

Today I received an email from an old acquaintance; a forward I almost deleted for spam. But the name rang a rusty bell and I opened it.  It was tale of a good wishes based on I Wish You Enough

Recently I overheard a mother and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure. Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the mother said, 'I love you and I wish you enough'.  The daughter replied, 'Mom, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Mom'. They kissed and the daughter left.. The mother walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see she wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on her privacy but she welcomed me in by asking, 'Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?'  'Yes, I have,' I replied. 'Forgive me for asking, but why is this forever good-bye?'  'I am old and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral,' she said.  'When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough'. May I ask what that means? '.

She began to smile. 'That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone'. She paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail and she smiled even more. 'When we said, 'I wish you enough', we want the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them'. Then turning toward me, she shared the following as if she were reciting it from memory. 

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear. 

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more. 

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting. 

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger. 

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. 

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.   

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye. 

She then began to cry and walked away. 

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them but then an entire life to forget them. 

Only if you wish send this to the people you will never forget and remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you. If you don't send it to anyone it may mean that you are in such a hurry that you have forgotten your friends. 

TAKE TIME TO LIVE..... 

To all my friends and loved ones , 

I WISH YOU ENOUGH

This is my way of sending it out to everyone.  I was reminded in greater detail of this wonderful little story by a true friend, who sent me a reference letter for a position I am applying for.  The insight into who I am and the way it was phrased exemplified friendship and the idea of wishing enough. 

I Feel Six

Taken care of

Relatively care free

Trying but messing up

Useful for some things

In the way for others

Cute but cumbersome

I have an allowance but it is almost run out

I wonder if I will ever grow up?

Nicknames

One is

aka my little boy

aka grampa

aka buddy

aka baby

aka cutie

Two is 

aka Satan Spawn

aka Bitch

aka J-Lo Butt

aka my little girl

Three is

aka Theif

aka Chipmunk

aka Brat

aka Pork Chop

aka lemur

aka King Julian

aka Instigator

aka Trailer Trash

I think three has an identity complex and the other two, well everyone has a nick name.

On the Sidewalk

Walking today I noticed some words of wisdom imbedded in the sidewalk

Little tablets laid by city planners to evoke thought

Here is one I want to share

Actors are the only honest hypocrites. Their life is a voluntary dream; and the height of their ambition is to be beside themselves.  (William Hazlitt)

Oh so true.

From Me

At one point in my life 

I was very cautious with the words I chose

I spoke very carefully 

I was nicknamed the mouse because I was so quiet

When asked for my input I had fountains of knowledge

But I chose carefully how I said it

Things changed somewhere along the line

Not sure when

I don't think I am any less careful with my thoughts

But I do offer them more freely

People comment on when I am silent, somewhat surprised

But what is different is this

I often say or write something

Simply because I do

It is what I do

I have been questioned on these things a few times

In pondering them carefully I realized that I often express based on intuition or feeling

That although I may not know exactly in the moment why I am saying something it is usually quite right and emotionally speaking hitting the nail on the head

I pondered further and realized

I trained for twenty years as an actor

Twenty years of training which teaches the ability to access and trust feelings

Something I don't think I do very well as I can't get hired as an actor

But apparently I was wrong

I do it very well

I intuit and express my feelings and impact people

I do this when I just let myself be 

When I don't try to do it

What I have learned is that I am really bad at explaining why I am saying a specific thing

Yes I know I just pointed out that you are hurting and in denial and were choosing to hide

Yes I know we were talking about chocolate cake and that had nothing to do with it

Yes I know that I was right on the head with it and it frustrates you

NO! I have no idea how our chocolate cake conversation brought that to light or what you did or said to make me say that

Trust me

The List

Eyes

Sunglasses

Home

Car

Motorcycle

Martini

Fine Wine

Expensive Dinner

Frequent outing

Travel

Love and happiness

You

No more side/day jobs

It is mine.  Something big is happening now.

It makes me wonder...

I see so much and I take in so much

You are a conscious unconscious focus of mine

Everything that is done is taken in

In to me

In some fashion

Over time I compute it and recognize it 

I adapt to it and I adjust

Finding ways to satisfy us both

Doing things

Getting through things

Does it make a good or bad partner?

I wonder at how I can talk so much and then I realize the above

Hours of things stored inside of me, particulars that are us

When the trigger is there and I am asked to explain in just the right way

I open up the locker

I sift through it and it makes sense

And there are hours of conversation and flow about the why

Yet these moments tend to come under stress 

When you feel lost or neglected

So in speech I piece together all the things which you do not see

To hope that you will understand I do care and am always there

Time Travel

I have always been in the wrong era

It feels like my being, my self, would have fit better at different points in history

As a youth I would have done better in ancient Japan

I have an interesting knowledge of that era and I would have been a Ronin or a Samurai and felt located properly

I should have also existed during the times of distinct classes

The late 1800's or early 1900's

I am a romantic at heart and I love to woo and follow through

Being a young aristocrat with monies supplied by family fortune

I would vacation in summer homes, and live in the dirty city regularly

I would woo the rich maidens 

My taste for adventure would not be hampered and I am sure I would be a favorite among the group

But a disdain to the politeness of court life.

Something Big

It seems to me that I have one true ability

That is the ability to pull something off and be able to somehow make at least enough to get what I need in the moment

It is not always easy, 

It is always stressful when I am at that point of pulling things together

It can be painful

It can be degrading and draining to think here I am at the bottom again

It can be hard as I claw to the top of a hole I fell into

It can be many things

I am fortunate that situations I end up in are not bad.

Like I did not lose my job

Or I did not gamble myself into debt 

Or anything like that

It seems though that my best laid plans seem to have flaws and only work out to some degree

The some degree they work out to is good 

But typically the result of good means that I am broke

So I have been broke many times in my life with many good things for those moments

Broke, some joke and say I am so organized that broke to me is everyone else's survival point

Well I would agree up until the last couple of years

I have been giving it my all and that means broke, nothing, nadda, niet, nein

So the joke is over

As it stands I have pulled together a bunch of stuff to pull me up temporarily from this monetary lag

Once again I am poised to push over the top until I can secure something more stable

Lucky me, crafty me, PR me, resourceful me

But this time I am putting it out there

I can feel it in my bones

I can hear the gods crying it out

I want to scream it from the mountain tops

This time these clawing hands will find gold

Something big is happening to me

Something huge is come 

Something beyond my scope of rational and reason is here

and this time I will be more than alright

This time I will breathe not for just making it

But I shall breathe a deep breath of freedom

I will look back without worry and know I can proceed and be secure

That I will be able to feel successful

It is time, It is here, It is now

I no longer take anything but this feeling

For I am tired

But I have not lost my faith

I believe it is now

This time Goliath will not rise again

You

Have everything that you asked for

There are still some variables but the outcome is known

There is still some nervousness but you have a clear path

You made a Christmas wish list and got everything you wanted on it

So jump up and down

Dance for joy

Sing praise for happiness

Spill a libation to the gods

And drink ten more for yourself

Celebrate for you are no longer allowed 

To shoot Christmas in the foot

Reflections

One is well mannered and self sufficient

Quiet, knows what it likes, and rarely demands

Crafty and intelligent

Accepting of the situation

A supporter and one who understands

One is a leader

Domineering and demanding

Requires attention and does not understand personal space

Quick to judge

Yet is clearly all of the opposites as well

A follower

Submissive and accepting

Wants to be alone and have its own personal space undisturbed

Is wary and untrusting

One is independent

Adorable and cute

Knows how to play those qualities

Likes to cause trouble

Begins fights for fun

Steals to annoy

Exasperates a situation

But is passive when truly confronted

and backs nothing up

Fortunate

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

How many of us heard that question as a child?

I know I did.

But I am fortunate at a very young age I knew exactly what I wanted.

I pursued it diligently and well I am still not successful at it

This lack of success (defined solely by my ability to support myself and live a bit of life with a good pint regularly)

Is the source of, at least I feel so, all my problems.

When I fight with my love, the bottom line, insecure and not myself

Why? because I am struggling, I am lost, I am not doing what I want for a career

Much of that will be taken away just in having an income

For that will settle my insecurities of taking care of myself

But we come back to what I want to do

I was under an impression that if you wanted something you worked for it and got it

It seems that I was wrong or that there are some limited reasons why it has not happened

1) I didn't work hard enough (possible, many would say I am the hardest worker at it)

2) I have not given it enough time (what wait till I am sixty?)

3) I don't actually have the skills to compete in the field I want and will never make it (possible, some for some against on that one)

4) I don't have the right connections (big one)

5) I am now too old for what I want

6) This one is the big one, the philosophical question which determines life in my head.  That I picked a path for the wrong reasons, and have never had the clarity of vision to see that fact.  In that, I have been blind to the offers thrown at me by the universe for great opportunities and I have shut them down.  In shutting them down I have trained myself to live on the "what if " and have become a dreamer more than a creator.  As a dreamer I complete the vicious circle of self perpetuation continually dreaming on the what if and missing more opportunities.  Finally in being the dreamer do not know how to live in the concrete of what is now.  In the last statement creating destitution to sum it up in one word (possibly a bit extreme in that word but it will do)

When does it end?  When does it become clear?  I guess and think the answer to that is when I make a concrete choice to live in the now and accept what is in front of me instead of what I strive for.  Yet, I was taught/believed if you build it it will come, I have a dream etc.  I have proven this lesson/belief in the person who I love. Settling for nothing less than what I wanted I have the most amazing better half.   So I sit on dilemma when it comes to career.  It can be achieved for where there is a will there is a way.  I will have to do it and I choose to find it from a point of living in the concrete first now and dealing with the what if later.  Maybe this path will have better results than the last twenty years.

Email

This form of communication has revolutionized our world

while degrading our grammar and writing skills.

Recently reading emails from friends I notice that 

there are so many conflicting thoughts or out of sequence thoughts

that grade nine teacher would not give it a passing grade 

With the speed and efficiency it offers people rarely stop 

to compose a coherent letter. 

Whatever comes to mind is thrown down and send is pressed

This often leads to stifled communication 

At least the slow degradation of how we communicate

for if we write poorly then our thoughts and speech begin to follow

Short blurts and thoughts that jump from one incomplete point to the next

And all of this does not even begin to mention spelling.

Alone

I can still taste you, smell you, hear you

You are only gone for a few days but you are missed

By me and six eyes

Stress has hung over us the last while

It seems some of that is lifted

Yet not all

Still so much that sits as an incomplete on my side

I just want to be able to be here with you and live

Sitting in a new place together without the stress

Money easy and able to order a martini together

Forever

Unknown

There is a space in time when everything collides

It is the process during change

When all the factors meet at the centre 

and the outcome is unknown

The few things known are the basis for forward momentum

But all the what ifs are the things threatening to crush

For an analytical mind

Each and every possibility must be looked and weighed

For the free spirited mind 

The outcome of choice must be clung to

If one is an optimist then regardless of mind forward momentum is easy

If one is a pessimist then regardless of mind forward momentum is difficult

But if one is all of these things

Forward momentum is next to impossible

They get stuck in the centre of all the choices and possibilities

Drawing, like the centre of a vortex, all the choices and options around them

In doing so they create a cage which they cannot escape or see beyond

But like all things this vortex too possesses energy and therefore momentum

So it moves forward based on the choices made when there was some clarity

Until it reaches that spot of the known which started it all

Then optimism or pessimism can rain on that parade

And once that shower is passed

New choices must be made to progress from that spot 

and the vortex begins again