Fortunate

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

How many of us heard that question as a child?

I know I did.

But I am fortunate at a very young age I knew exactly what I wanted.

I pursued it diligently and well I am still not successful at it

This lack of success (defined solely by my ability to support myself and live a bit of life with a good pint regularly)

Is the source of, at least I feel so, all my problems.

When I fight with my love, the bottom line, insecure and not myself

Why? because I am struggling, I am lost, I am not doing what I want for a career

Much of that will be taken away just in having an income

For that will settle my insecurities of taking care of myself

But we come back to what I want to do

I was under an impression that if you wanted something you worked for it and got it

It seems that I was wrong or that there are some limited reasons why it has not happened

1) I didn't work hard enough (possible, many would say I am the hardest worker at it)

2) I have not given it enough time (what wait till I am sixty?)

3) I don't actually have the skills to compete in the field I want and will never make it (possible, some for some against on that one)

4) I don't have the right connections (big one)

5) I am now too old for what I want

6) This one is the big one, the philosophical question which determines life in my head.  That I picked a path for the wrong reasons, and have never had the clarity of vision to see that fact.  In that, I have been blind to the offers thrown at me by the universe for great opportunities and I have shut them down.  In shutting them down I have trained myself to live on the "what if " and have become a dreamer more than a creator.  As a dreamer I complete the vicious circle of self perpetuation continually dreaming on the what if and missing more opportunities.  Finally in being the dreamer do not know how to live in the concrete of what is now.  In the last statement creating destitution to sum it up in one word (possibly a bit extreme in that word but it will do)

When does it end?  When does it become clear?  I guess and think the answer to that is when I make a concrete choice to live in the now and accept what is in front of me instead of what I strive for.  Yet, I was taught/believed if you build it it will come, I have a dream etc.  I have proven this lesson/belief in the person who I love. Settling for nothing less than what I wanted I have the most amazing better half.   So I sit on dilemma when it comes to career.  It can be achieved for where there is a will there is a way.  I will have to do it and I choose to find it from a point of living in the concrete first now and dealing with the what if later.  Maybe this path will have better results than the last twenty years.