Assessment

Five months
That is the length of time left on the tin can.

Nine months ago that is when I started
I had a goal
An idea
A mindset
All in place to help me gain perspective and change my life

I would break free from my patterns
I would gain understanding of my self
I would know if my career was the right choice
I would understand my love
I would make sense of my past
I would ground myself in my present
I would see my future
I would know my path

I did all of this and more
What is more?
You
Unexpected, welcome, loved
You have added to all of the above
Enhanced what it is
Combined the past dreams with the current paths
Made full bodied my ideas
Brought things full circle in life

Now it is five months till the tin can and I part ways
I have two goals while here
Make money and do the outlines
All my goals are post floating can
All my goals involve you and us in space together
They are my future

But in the future my mind and heart lay
They are not here for the present
Something I must find
I need to live today
But I find it difficult

When I set sail
It was with the plan
To gain understanding
To remain grounded
To solidify all things found outside the box
It would be wonderful and easy
In my spare time outlines would grow
In my daily life money made
Some challenge in distance but acceptable

It is nothing like that
I am making my money
I have found the time and begin outlining on a set date
For the rest I feel guilt
(Maybe too strong a word, but it has to do)
Responsible, that is a better choice
Responsible for the distance, which is much harder than I could have imagined
Responsible for not being present for the big things
(there has been so much, houses, hospitals, kennels, courts)
Responsible for the little things
(there has been so much, football, long days at work, stormy nights, drunk moments…)

You will not lose me
I will not lose you
But in distance you feel a bit like Polka Roo
Existent but when will I be in the same room at the same time as you?
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, to this I can attest
I want it to grow though and it feels like it cannot from here
There is a bit of a pause, an on hold, while I float
Walls are more complicated to climb
Sometimes, emails and phone are not the means to discuss what is on our minds
I want to be present but I cannot

Did I make the right choice?
Did I find the correct point of grounding?
I could not see any other solution
It seemed to make so much sense
But now it is something that feels wrong
My mind seeks for ways out, but it seems a long shot

It is five months
In the scope of life not that far or long
Will you wait for me?
Will you deal with this with me?
I know the answer is yes
But I don’t have to be excited about the wait till we get there

Miami

I have a conference
Will you meet me there?
I am not sure if it is a good idea?
You are under so much stress, so many things happening
I am thinking of you
You agree
I feel good to deal with costs (it is a nice change for me, exciting)
We are set

Are you sure I should come? You say
Your schedule is so heavy.
You are thinking of me
It feels nice to know you think that way

I believe you should come
If even just for the point of an escape and ten minutes with me
I pick you up at the airport
We have a great room
The night is wonderful
And off work I go
I get out of the evening
We have the pool and a swim
We order in and get some wine
The shower is cut short and worth it
We talk take photos and watch some film
We crawl into bed and fatigue is my enemy

We will survive
The morning is ours
Fatigue is your enemy
Did you enjoy your time?
Are you glad you came?
I think you did
At least you had one full day, without a stress or care in the world

We still love
But we must part once again
Your pillow is wet
Our hearts are heavy
I can feel the walls of protection between us
I don’t like them but I understand them
One more time that we will part like this
Then we will travel home together

No more walls
Learning new communication
Learning to live with each other
Me finding my footing
So that I don’t have to leave again
The future we know what we want
It is ours to grasp and I am half way there

Words

Words September 17 2008 2:00 pm

I miss you, I love you, I want you, I need you
Words that no longer have any meaning to me
They are important words but they no longer express how I feel
The words themselves have impacting meaning
But it is not enough
These words fall short of my true emotions
They are not enough to express how I feel inside
I say them but they are only a drop in the universe of my emotional pool
I have tried, I have thought, I have meditated for the expression that encompasses my feelings
I have not found it.
These words I will continue to use because they are all I have
But they fall so short
There are not enough words in the human language to touch on the depth of my feeling
There are not enough expressions in the universe to explain what I feel
Do you understand what you mean to me?
To take away my voice my action and leave me with nothing to express?
You are everything.

Toothache

I am in the airport in Cozumel Mexico
Waiting for my flight with two hours to kill
I forgot to ask the cabbie for a receipt so that is some money I won’t get back
With my little bit of upset I remember
“It is a foreign country, you are not fully thinking you are observing. You are taking in a lot of information.”
Right a bit of overload so things slip out.
My watchful self, my natural defense and fear on guard, so that I don’t get taken for a ride.
Thus I forgot.
This moment of reflection reminds me of my tooth.
Two weeks ago I was here, with the ship and I had to go to the dentist.
I was told when hired that I would be taken care of for all medical items
That was not true.

“Yes you need a filling. Get of in Mexico, we will approve it, grab a taxi and go to a dentist, well go to this dentist who we will call for you in advance. Everything at your expense”

The day of the doctor had not confirmed the appointment, no one knew if I would be seen, not sure how long it would take so I could miss the ship, no on to transport me, no address for the office, no money for taxi compensation.

I was scared, nervous and upset.
Where am I going, who knows this dentist, how far away, what if something is wrong with the tooth and they have to do emergency root canal, who do I call?
Off the ship I get into a taxi, with all my nightmare’s running through my mind.

Obviously, not an issue I am typing right now
But still, for a big company to treat me without thought, without living up to their hiring word, is tragic and sad.

New Doors

So I have been nervous a bit.
Transition to the States
A new life
A wonderful and forever romance that makes me smile
But what do I do, how do I survive if my career does not "pop"
Today some doors opened to say pursue my coach my teacher
So I started and it feels good.
I know the acting will rise soon enough
But the space between will take me in as a coach
When I needed to leave it all started with an internet search and an email
So I begin again
Being a Capricorn and preparing so I land on my feet.

Vision

In my mind’s eye I see you sitting there
It is dusk and a small amount of light filters through the windows
At your feet are the dogs, lazing around, wishing for scraps\
You are at the kitchen table
Looking out the back door at nothing
One leg is tucked under the other drawn up to your chest
Loosely held in your hand is a piece of toast
(an inappropriate but suitable dinner)
Your head is tilted to the right and you are thinking
Thinking of me and the distance
Thinking of the recent stresses
Thinking of new homes and old homes
Thinking of love and its fruition (in time)

I am sitting at a table
In this crowded place I am one of three right now
I eat carefully, enjoying my moments reprieve
Relishing the break
When your vision hits me

I feel your sorrow, your longing, your loss, your want
They are the same things I feel
And only can we say soon

Cozumel

So I have arrived in Cozumel.
I am on a new ship, The Enchantment of the Seas
It runs to Grand Cayman, Cozumel, Key West, Belize
Good run but we have bounced about a bit not hitting our destinations due to hurricanes.
Cozumel today, my 4th cruise. The rain was crazy insane just as I arrived at the bar,
I did not get wet.

I do not like the feel of the place.
One long tourist spot, difficult to get behind it all to see the real city
Of course I found the side street and began my journey.
I found a little whole in the wall that was like a hot dog stand kinda place
They served fresh squeezed juices and a variety of sandwiches.
Five dollars US for lunch it was nice.
The buildings are pretty but in the end it all feels like a slum.
I will enjoy coming to this bar No Name Bar, a wonderful crew hangout.

Jogging on the Beach 4

I step outside and the sun is shining
My earphones are in and I plan to run.
I step down the gangway and see some old friends
A small detour in the plans are worth it
We sit and chat to catch up
Not much time passes, half an hour at most
It is time to part ways.

I slip on the headphones
It is really hot
I have missed this moment at my old port
the first one I came to
The moment just before I start and make my way along the beach
I slip off my shirt and the cold breeze hits me
The sun has disappeared and dark clouds have taken its place
The rains are coming

I always wanted rain while I jogged
Today it will come to be
Set the watch and off i go.
I am ten paces in
The temperature drops and the first touch of rain hits my back
I move at the same pace
There is no hurry
as the rush takes over my body

I come up to the first bend
My old path
and the rains reach a heavy pelting
I move along the street to the beach
as the rain builds
I come around the second bend
and the rain hits me harder
I step off the road onto the beach path

I keep moving
The rain has reached a peak
The wind driving it almost horizontal
It is warm water dousing my body
Running in the open shower of nature
I have chosen the short path as it is so long since my last run
I move along the beach line in the small hurricane
Feeling my body respond
I work but I love it
I hit the steep hill
With my back to the ocean I climb
Mud flying everywhere on the path
Along the of fort battery and I am brought to a stop
I must slow
Although I do not want to I am given the beauty of my sanctuary in rain
Something I have never seen.
I take it in as I walk along the top of the hill and make my way back

Sharing

Sharing is something I love doing.
I have been criticized on many occasions for talking to much
Sometimes I feel that I do talk too much
I call and spend all this time talking about me and my day
Then you say I wrote you about this, or remember this about my day
I feel like an idiot, I feel self centered, I feel inconsiderate.
Not because I did not remember, or that I didn’t mention it
But because I was so excited just to share.
If I am asked I believe that you want to know so I tell
In my excitement I forget to ask sometimes
I also forget that when I ask “so how was your day?”
You may not understand that it means: I want to know take all the time to share with me that you want
I forget that you may not share the same way I do; you may need a more specific query
I may not realize that when I share you listen and wait because when you are sharing,
your shares trigger more things in me and I want to share more
It then becomes interactive
I love to share and give details and tell stories and bring them to their fullest completion
I hate to lose a point, miss a detail or not finish
I don’t do tell my elaborate stories to be selfish or self centered
I tell them because I love it when you can understand and feel what I did.
I tell because I enjoy sharing, I enjoy the taste of the words as they roll over my lips
I tell because I love listening to your response, because I love seeing you react
I tell because you asked and I love to share
I love sharing

One Week

The Barenaked Ladies wrote a song about it.
The song spoke about one week gone by since we...
For me it is opposite.
It is one week till you arrive.
One month and one day have gone by since I left.
(interesting how one month equals the same length of time conceptually but in fact this month is longer than the previous by one full length of 24 hours)
It is but one week till you arrive.
One week till we touch.
One week till we speak in person.
One week till we kiss.
One week till we look at each other.
One week till we caress.
One week till we connect mentally.
One week till we make love.
One week till we laugh together.
One week till we drive each other mad with passion.
One week till we are present together.
One week till we play in new ways.
One week till we get closer to us

Notes on an uncertain future

I have fallen in love
There is no doubt or question in my mind, heart or soul on this simple fact
Simple, love I must admit that it is, you feel and you act
Difficult is making all the aspects around this wonderful feeling come together
Love allows us the ability to face these things head on and not look back
It does not take the challenges away, we just choose to face them differently

Love has brought to life interesting challenges
I want to spend my life with her so these challenges are things I want to accomplish
They are not a burden but the outcome and the bringing them to life is uncertain
I want to be a actor, one that survives on this craft
I want to be able to supply income to a family
I want to be able to retire and spend a relaxing post career life
I want to be able to spend quality time with my love
I want to experience life through travel and adventure
I want to take time to climb to breathe and to be calm

None of these goals are different today than they were the day before I fell in love
They now just include my love
My concern sits in this, the uncertain future
I have spent ten solid years working to achieve the above
I have given ten solid years of life living and scraping to get the goals above
Today I feel only a little closer to the above goals

I still do not know how to achieve all that I want in the career that I want
I have a plan but my plans have collapsed on me before
I have direction but I have lost that direction before
I have an aim, I have missed the mark more than once
My goals if I fall no longer effect just me and failure well makes it more challenging to be with my love

Nothing is impossible
I know that I am supported, for what feels like the first time in my life, by her
I know that I no longer face these challenges alone that we are two not one
There is an aspect that does not want to lean
And yet the reality is I can only lean so much, I am the one who needs to make my career, she can only support that specific
In my soul I feel fine, in my logic I feel fear, the imbalance is daunting

So I look forward right now today
At some wonderful possibilities, things that in fruition will make everything above easily possibly
I wonder if they do not come to be what do I do next and I shake inside
I take a deep breath and fall back to my immediate plan
I breathe and think this path is only slightly less risk
I quiver with a tremble of fear

I breathe and soak it in
I am an artist
I am a craftsman
I am a man with determination
Stopping on this path would crush my soul
I have tried to do so before
There feels like there is only this
So I put on my game face and move forward

I look at those who I see successful
I see that their success was step by step
Each step building on each plan
I look at me and see each step
They lead to their own individual things
And I started the journey again?
I feel not so much on step one this time
I have done this before, I have more experience, I have drive within me this time
The last bit garnished new things
They lead me to trust my soul
In trusting my soul I accomplished things to relieve stress and face things from within
In trusting I fell in love
A great big breath, tremors and nerves wrack it, I breathe it out and hold the droplets in my eyes
I trust and take one more step

Rain

So it rained soothing sounds all night. I went to bed shortly after we got off the phone. I awoke to the sound of soothing rain, almost as nice as waking beside you on a day when we have nothing to do. I think to me what to say this early in the morning, that has not been said one million times. What can I let you know that is different or new, exciting or fresh. Weird there are things to say but so incidental from this perspective of email, yet in person they are little things/questions like where are you going for your breakfast meeting? They are topics of conversation that keep us fueled and connected. They are questions that ask when can I see you and spend my time with you? When will you be here by my side so I can make love to you and languish in your beauty? Soak you up and taste your skin as we delve closer to each others being.