Uprooted

I am standing in the city
My "home"
I look around me at all the familiar things
The places I used to haunt
The pathways I used to tread
I want them, I miss them
I feel lost
At one time I knew what was happening
I knew what tomorrow held
There are no guarantees
But at least a semblance of security in the knowledge of tomorrow's work
I chose to leave
I needed to leave
I wanted to leave
Having been away I feel I have gained much
Right now that gain is in flux
There are no guarantees
In flux
It feels like I have lost something here
A false sense of stability that I idolize right now
I do know what I want
I know what I would like to change
I know who I want
Where I want to live
Even what I want to do
These things are not here
I feel uprooted and I am
I want to put down some roots with you
Will you help me?

Home

My niece asked me where my home was
I have been working abroad for some time
I had no answer...
Well not exactly true
I have thought about it for some time
It has been a long time since I had a place called home

My place in the city got old after about two years
It had some rough memories associated to it
I wanted out, living with roommates was worn thin
It was a place to live

My room on the ship
Well I think that is self explanatory
It is a place to live

My mother's place
She lets me know I can always come home
Yet it is not the same as it was when I was a kid
I still have my room
The place is the same
But it is different
I don't know where everything is
It is my mom's home
It is a place to stay

There has been one place where I felt home
I was only there for a few weeks
I was welcomed with open arms
Space on a shelf had been cleared for me
The layout was something I imagined in my dreams
The style and feel warm and inviting
It was the way I imagined my home would look
It is your home and you wanted me there
That was enough
The only place that has felt like home in a very long time

Confusion

So much change
So many things
I feel back to square one
Not sure of my career or future
Feeling more stable with the love of my life
Desire to work on things and grow
From both ends
I like that feeling

In terms of me personally
I am an artist in the same spot I was when I graduated
How do I fulfill myself and put food on a table
I am leaning towards ideas of full time work
and part time artist
I want love, I want a life

I am tired of hurting for money and struggling
I am tired of it getting in my way and ...
It may be time.

Last Night

Here on the ship is not what I thought it would be
The excitement of going to you is missing
The excitement of starting a new life
The excitement of finding new things
The excitement of us
All that I knew is changed
I am unsure and scared
Love is expressed, desire to work
I expect fluctuation in that feeling
I trust to it overall
But wonder at what point will it feel like we are together
At what point will I be welcome
At what point...
I trust that we are and we will
I have given my everything without reserve
I put faith in "god" I know I am guided
All is changed and I am scared of losing you
For you are my light, my breath of fresh air
On this last night, I question, and hurt

Rollercoasters

Are fun to ride when they are in an amusement park and you have great person yelling along for the ride
Are great to ride when they involve a fun bouncy relationship
Suck ass when they involve distance,
trials,
tribulations,
strained communication,
fear,
worry,
loss,
pain.

We knew that we had a rollercoaster ride from the very first day.
We did not expect this.
Will you continue to ride and hang on till we hit the fun hills again?
I believe that we are already doing that.
Just a few more bends and then the little drop
We will get there.

I love you

Three simple words
I have never been happier to hear
I am such a fortunate and lucky soul
For those three little words

Why me?

I wrote a long time ago when will I find my kermit?
A bit of an inside line right now but it applies.
I found him it is the person whom right now I am fighting for
Which leads me to the question why do I always lose what feels so right?
Now that question too has been asked in the past and in the moment
and in hindsight I have been able to identify and point to the not so right
and accept the loss as painful as it is.
Today I sit and assess for myself
I put a lot out there all the time
I give with all that I am and I never hold back
So I felt it fair for moment to check in to reverse the scales and see
As it stands I still cannot identify any reason to let go.
This person has always held true and demonstrated love
This person has always been there for me
and even in this trying moment is presenting the glimmer of hope
that she will continue to grow with me
It is a scary prospect this possible loss
but that glimmer and these subtle little steps are what I am willing to work with
I believe in her and I believe she the same of me.
I hope and I do pray that I am right.
As with my Kermit question the other one is "When do I find someone to prove me wrong?"
I have taken a big breath and I think I have found her
I wait paitiently for feedback as that is all I can do.
Right now I continue to give and work with the little glimmer.
I know it hurts, I have been there, know you don't have to go alone, and the pain will subside as we grow.

Fighting for love

That is what I am doing right now.
Fighting to hold onto something I have had for a long time
All relationships reach points of trial
And after 9 months mine is in trial
Love has been expressed and I don't believe it is gone
It is thin ice though
Careful treading need be used
For me there is no question my love is still solid
But I have to fight for what is returned
Love when it is true is universal it overcomes all
My hurts have lead to my philosophy
You only win at love once and you can only know that on a death bed when they are still with you
I believe she is this person
Time will tell me soon

Broken

The love of my life has found out some negative news
It is associated to me
Its current result is her pulling away
I am lost
I am broken
I don't know how to handle this
I want to be with her to deal with this
She is making small offers that bring me in
But the standing place right now is me on the outside
I believe in love and feel it can conquer all
My belief was shattered once before
It took a long long time to pick up the pieces
I don't believe I can do it again.
I pray that I am right about this love
I know from my side I am.
I miss her, I love her.

Confused

I want to believe that nothing is wrong
Since I vented it all feels good
I figure I over react a bit, deal with little triggers and suck it up
I have been sucking it up for a while now
Today felt good
I knew what was going on
I thought I would have some clarity
I am used to being sought out
Responded to
Checked on
But none of that is ringing true right now
All of a sudden I feel excluded, left behind
I get confused because my mind says one thing
My heart is saying another
I don't know who to listen to

Emotional Fool

So I said my peace and I feel better for it
Having put it out there releases it from me
I have always felt we can talk, we communicate
One of many things that make you special
I felt it was fair to voice my concern my fear
but now that it is out there I feel foolish
Should I have, was I wise

I guess it is important to share these feeling "for better or worse"
I just get scared that sharing the difficult stuff will scare you away
At the same time keeping it bottled means that it cannot change
Especially if you don't recognize it.

So it is out there
Now you know
I don't fret as much cause it is there
but I feel the emotional fool

Miami Two

Are we there?
Half way beyond the half way.
Looking to find our footing
Looking to fulfill those words
Looking to make action of our conversations
Are we there?

I don't know
I am worried
I feel things have changed
I feel I am the last to know

The past haunts me right now'
Actions that trigger old wounds
Not sure how to deal with them
Have breathed as much as I can
Have called you on it
What I have left is sitting silently
Trying to understand a gap I have no concept of
Not knowing why it exists or what I did to get it
There I go, blaming me
But what if just once I did everything right?
Just once.
Gave my all and opened up the right way?
I did all that
I did not rush
I was cautious
I threw caution to the wind when it was time
We worked seperately
We worked together
We are here
And here feels distant
Why?

I recall

All the things that I have done in the last while.
I go through all the changes that I have made.
I take stock of all I wanted to do and have done.
I see how it applies to you and wonder if I have grown.
Did I do it different, did I actually change?
Or have I reached the point where you tell me I am just the same?
In your own way of course
Ironically the signs that let me know that have always been the same
Not once have they been different.
At the end of the actions is the same conversation.
At least I have learned not to wait for it.
I call it out and work to change it
I fight to see if one wants to be fought for
In the end it has been the same
I at least leave with a sense of pride for having tried
For having lived up to all my words and actions by attempting to solve
I hope that I gain understanding that you explain and tell me what it is though
That is another commonality
No explanaiton
In the end do you really need one?
The point is it is the end.
In the future what I did in the past has no real bearing
For in the future my actions need to be assessed by another
That other must judge me as you have from their point of view
And let me know their judgement
Maybe theirs will be different
In the end
I will never know for I will not allow another to have that position in my life again
You are the last to be given that chance.

Intuition

I have not felt this way in a while
It scares me
I cannot believe in my soul that it is the same
As the numerous times past
But history tends to repeat itself
So I am at odds with myself
My intuition tells me one thing
My heart tells me another
My mind tells me yet another
It goes from a bump in the road
To the end of the road
I am worried
I am not liking this feeling
I don't want to be right
But hard to accept that as I have never been wrong on this feeling
Hopefully this time I am
This time could it be different?
If so it only adds to everything else I have said
In the positive.
To date the positive has been confirmed time and time again
My heart is banking on it
I want to prove myself wrong.

What the...?

What am I doing?
I am an age where the world expects me to be stable and consistent
I am none of that
When I finish here in 14 days I have a small amount of money in the bank and nothing else
No job, no career, no future.

That which has felt stable for so long does not feel so right now
There are a lot of stresses going on that have slowed things down
Communication has become sparse and I am not sure of it any more
I wonder if I will be flying after my return home
If I will be welcoming into my traditions or keeping them to myself
I wonder what is going on, but cannot and don't want to add to the stress
by talking about it

Time they say heals all wounds
I have experienced this before
I hope that this wound is just a bump in the long journey
I know that bumps happen but with this being the first one
It feels new and so unusal that it feels like it could be too much
I don't know the other side
I only know my side and I am worried I am not enough
That for all I give it still does not matter
History has a tendency to repeat itself
Historically speaking I will wake up alone

I work to let it go and come back to the simple question
What am I doing with my life?
In the event of all outcomes I have nothing tangible right now
No boat, no motor car not a single luxury (Gilligan's Island)
and no matter where I am I need to build from the ground up
I have done so before
I hope that I do it this time with someone

I am tired of building alone
Apparently my building skills suck because
I keep having to rebuild
So maybe if someone builds with me then it will
be a strong building
I can hope can't I?

I laugh at myself sometimes.
Because I put so much effort into everything I do
Today like many other days
It feels like everything I do results in nothing
I know this is not true but the space between successes
Is so far apart who can tell sometimes
So I rebuild.
I laugh at myself sometimes
Because the effort seems pointless but I carry on

Is that not the definition of masochism or insanity?

This time round I put everything on the line
Quoting a friend
"You inspire because you are doing what we do on stage in your actual life, you are living in the fear"
It felt good to hear the admiration at the time
But now I question how stupid am I?

No safety nets for my heart, no safety nets for my career, no safety nets for my life
Just straight up balls to the wall
Going to go for it, going to change things up and get myself in a better place
My heart soars, my career has a possibility, my bank account is not negative
None of that seems to matter when I don't know what is going on
Or where I am going
Or whether my should continue to feel this way

I have questions but know that today is a day about trust
Just trust that it will balance and it will
I am and always have been a romantic at heart
A dreamer
A person who believes that the fantasy can come true
I continue on this path
I hope I am not wrong
That my free spirit will guide m and that in a 14 days I will look back on this
and laugh at myself
for feeling my insecure self surface.

I guess we will see
I hope I am wrong
History cannot always repeat can it?

Weight

It is the stuff that people worry about
Am I too heavy to thin
I worry about it too
It is my health

But in reality that has nothing to do with my thought
I am thinking about and feeling the weight of emotion
The heaviness of the emotion on my shoulders
The strength it takes to carry it
I do so with joy for it is a good feeling
Tonight though and occassionally, you need to feel the opposite
You need to understand both sides
So tonight it feels a struggle

Not because I do not want this
But because I care so much
But because there is so much at stake
But because I am afraid to lose it
But because I am nervous to drop it
But because I am anxious of damaging it

Never before have I cared so much
That I carry the emotion like a young child
Carrying a precious piece of china mother said not to drop
There is so much value in that china, in the emotion I carry
To drop it carelessly to drop it accidently ...
It can never be replaced

I have the nerves that I will not be enough as time goes by
I have the nerves that I am not enough right now in my absence
I have the nerves that the fantasy will slip away
and it will be no different than the rest

But I have the courage to carry it
I have the strength to hold it up high
I have the stamina to cross any distance with it
For the value in this is value beyond any tangible thing
Beyond any intangible thing
And I will not set it down for all my nerves
Because she is worth every once that it weighs