What the...?

What am I doing?
I am an age where the world expects me to be stable and consistent
I am none of that
When I finish here in 14 days I have a small amount of money in the bank and nothing else
No job, no career, no future.

That which has felt stable for so long does not feel so right now
There are a lot of stresses going on that have slowed things down
Communication has become sparse and I am not sure of it any more
I wonder if I will be flying after my return home
If I will be welcoming into my traditions or keeping them to myself
I wonder what is going on, but cannot and don't want to add to the stress
by talking about it

Time they say heals all wounds
I have experienced this before
I hope that this wound is just a bump in the long journey
I know that bumps happen but with this being the first one
It feels new and so unusal that it feels like it could be too much
I don't know the other side
I only know my side and I am worried I am not enough
That for all I give it still does not matter
History has a tendency to repeat itself
Historically speaking I will wake up alone

I work to let it go and come back to the simple question
What am I doing with my life?
In the event of all outcomes I have nothing tangible right now
No boat, no motor car not a single luxury (Gilligan's Island)
and no matter where I am I need to build from the ground up
I have done so before
I hope that I do it this time with someone

I am tired of building alone
Apparently my building skills suck because
I keep having to rebuild
So maybe if someone builds with me then it will
be a strong building
I can hope can't I?

I laugh at myself sometimes.
Because I put so much effort into everything I do
Today like many other days
It feels like everything I do results in nothing
I know this is not true but the space between successes
Is so far apart who can tell sometimes
So I rebuild.
I laugh at myself sometimes
Because the effort seems pointless but I carry on

Is that not the definition of masochism or insanity?

This time round I put everything on the line
Quoting a friend
"You inspire because you are doing what we do on stage in your actual life, you are living in the fear"
It felt good to hear the admiration at the time
But now I question how stupid am I?

No safety nets for my heart, no safety nets for my career, no safety nets for my life
Just straight up balls to the wall
Going to go for it, going to change things up and get myself in a better place
My heart soars, my career has a possibility, my bank account is not negative
None of that seems to matter when I don't know what is going on
Or where I am going
Or whether my should continue to feel this way

I have questions but know that today is a day about trust
Just trust that it will balance and it will
I am and always have been a romantic at heart
A dreamer
A person who believes that the fantasy can come true
I continue on this path
I hope I am not wrong
That my free spirit will guide m and that in a 14 days I will look back on this
and laugh at myself
for feeling my insecure self surface.

I guess we will see
I hope I am wrong
History cannot always repeat can it?