Response?

I keep hoping for a response

I don't want to have to escalate

Hoping you can at least be civil

Then for all of that

Fear of moving on

Because I loved once

And got crushed

Just wish sometimes I could wake up

Realize it was a bad dream

Give you a kiss and make you cheese toast after taking dogs out

I know

You don't want that

Neither do I really

But it was nice

I hope you can come around to a civil place

So I don't have to escalate

The Letter

Today I sent the letter

A final piece that says all that remains is money

I knew this but putting action to things is another story

It hurts

I took a look at a photo of us from two years ago

How could I misjudge your character so much?

Apples

What makes it hard to post?

Your posts make me feel human

Not alone

So much time since you first commented on something I wrote

I think of you

I follow

I wonder if you are okay?

Do we heal?

Yes

We have to allow ourselves too.

A Good Day

I had the day off

Highly unusual

I planned to spend the day cooking one of my favorite meals

(it takes 7 hours plus prep to do it up right)

So last night I started the prep

Opened the wine

Rented the movies

You came over

And that is a good thing

We talked we watched we played

You went home and left me till supper

I got up early

began the cooking

I cleaned

I did homework (I drank)

I stretched and relaxed

You came over

We ate the feast

We watched movies

and you had to go

Coat on

Ready to leave

But you won't stop touching, playing

Then we are in my room

Clothes on the floor

And so it begins

You are not her

No one ever will be

I enjoy you

the haunting of the past left

but am I ready?

Haunting

You continue to haunt me

Show up in my mind regularly

I think it is tragic

But slowly bit by bit you influence me less

The last thing you did, I am aware of it, really turned me off

I am in the final state of action

I move forward

I see others now

Even had girlfriends

But I have not found the feeling I want

It is nice to spend time

To share

But it sits in the feeling that will solidify everything

It will be found?

On love

Just saw Barney's Version with Paul Giamatti,

My new favourite film

I am and always have been a romantic at heart

Someone who believes in love and all the trappings of it.

No I don't buy into Hollywood because they always paint a pretty picture

It is the stuff fairy tales are made of

and YES love should be like that but it is also routine, conflict, challenge,

The stuff that Hollywood does not show us

Every now and again I see a film that captures the true spirit of love in my mind

When Harry Met Sally was the first

Contact was the second

and now Barney's Version.

We see people work for it, find it, live it, and deal with it in all its forms

It is what I will one day share, I hope with someone

Barney says to his love

"I am just going to keep talking here because I am afraid if I stop, there will be that pause, that moment, the silence and you are going to say "it's getting late" or "I need to go" and I don't ever want that to happen, ever."

He turns to look at her, they stop, she replies

"There it is, that silence, I'm still here"

To have you still here, who ever you are, even after you see my worst

A dream, to dream beyond all dreams.

Emptiness

I did an audition tonight

It was a really good audition

I am being considered for a role

In a non-union/non-paying production

It is a prominent show and the role would be good on the resume

but it made me feel empty

I fell into a generation where talents were not recognized

where established individuals were doing entry level work

where a beginner had greater challenges standing out and building

As it goes I was good enough to get my union status

but not good enough to compete when I got them

so my resume still is unrecognized

and here I am fighting to get permission from the union

to do a non union show

so my resume will grow

and it will cost me time and money away from work to do it

disheartening

Apples

Where are you?

Where have you been?

How are you?

I wonder

Never knowing you

But thinking of you

Be safe.

Inner Tears

Just saw a movie called Defendor

Simple movie

Simple idea

A simple man who is mentally challenged or slow or not all there

Fantasizes and actualizes becoming super hero

Nothing special about him

He just dresses up and goes out to get bad guys

Because of his challenges his view on the world is different black and white

So he is set on one goal and only that goal

He falls in love and he has emotions

He gets hurt and he falls down

Can a simpleton save the world?

Or does it just take one man with the courage to stand up to another

Justly to start the chain of events that change our space?

It is not Hollywood in this movie and as it came to a close

I found myself with a tear on my cheek

Confusion

Some days are good.

Some are bad

Today a day where I think

Why did I even try?

Why did I not have the strength to say goodbye with the first sign?

Why and why and why?

Others say I am good?

I agree.

So really why did I do this to me?

The Hurt Locker

Jeremy Renner says

"when you are as old as me, you find you love only a few things

maybe it is just one thing"

And then they cut to him going back to the field, cut to him in his bomb suit.

He expresses he loves nothing but his work. Surface.

A look at the movie and his actions show that he is suicidal, looking to die

He is a looking for his suicide bomb

He loves his adrenaline, it is a drug, he loves his death because he needs escape

How can people get so cold that they lose the love they have the love that creates life in babies and leads to commitments like marriage?

How can we do what we do that pushes all that away?

Head Kick

I wrote to communicate about the debt owing

From you to me

Silence for a year of course nothing remains

But money

I have been civil and trusting that this will/can be

Resolved between us with out a court of law

Your email is no longer active, nor is your phone

So you have run

I believe that one day I will hear from you but I would like to know when

I have sent snail mail

We will see....

It is time

I still think of you but it is different

I recognize your coldness and know

It took too long

But now I am not afraid

To show you what is up

I have to be strong and face the facts

There are matters to be dealt with

No longer the heart

No longer the mind

Just the logistics of a goodbye.

You don't know me

Started truly dating again

trying to reclaim myself

My life, my love.

Been listening to me

Wondering if I know how to do this

Thinking

Realizing that people don't really understand the self

that they are taken by surprise

and in that they take the ones around them by surprise too

Leaving them without explanation or thought

Just the aftermath of what they did

So I sit waiting to meet a person who has enough awareness

to not give me aftermath

but give me the moment

Someone I can know

Who knows themself

Another Day

So I met someone,

She is nice,

She never called back

So I met someone else

She is nice

She never followed through

And so the story goes.

I must be doing something wrong.

I am tired.

The communication thing does not seem to work.

Maybe I will try lying instead.

Must be

something better for me on the horizon

It does not feel like it but

I cannot believe that you were my swan song

Some days are good, some are bad

Soon another will be in my life

All will be good

For now, just time to relish

Spending time with me

Feeling

I don't know

I miss you

I hurt

But reality speaks to so many "negative" things

I look to move forward

I feel alone

I feel it won't ever happen

I don't see myself with anyone

I spend so much time solo

I question my ability to interact

To communicate

I don't know

I wonder

How did we affect each other?

How did it change?

I think it does not matter

I think

I don't know

Just a hollowness

Tolerance

I have the ability

skill

power

or is it stupidity

lack of worth

short sightedness

to deal with

accept

and tolerate

people long after

everyone else

I know

would walk away.

Forward

There must be something more

something better

something which suits me perfectly

(there is no perfect only perfect for me)

Not getting what I want

Which means forward there is something

That will fulfill that

Forward!

Contact

A year goes by

Limited contact

A few lame attempts to suggesting we work it out

No follow through

Silence

My pain, my misery,

Confusion, no explanation,

No understanding

Attempts to solve

Working solo for a year

I start to come to my senses

Accept you are gone

That your words are lies

I stand up

Write a goodbye email for me

and you respond

The only reason I write you say

Is to manipulate and get what I want

I wonder if you read anything in the past year

If you took time to look at us

Because all the emails say the same thing

"Please talk to me so we can figure this out"

Empty

The time has come where I have said

No more emails

No more contact (barring business)

I have sent my last one and stuck to it

There just comes a time when I accept the action

The words are empty

I know this

I can see this

It indicates that what we had may have been nothing

It is without question time to move on

Yet, inside my soul feels empty

I feel hollow

I feel missing

I feel some of me is truly gone

It dampens my spirit and

In some ways I feel I may never get it back

That I am not competent enough

To hold those feelings for anyone ever again

Each day I wake up

You still run in my mind

Each night I rest my head

You are in my thoughts

Time for you to go away too

Fully

Time to feel truly empty

How have...

you been treated lately?

A question in reference to you.

The answer, horribly, still no response.

I know it is done. Sad when all that was asked for was simple courtesy

Even if it was a goodbye.

I have been letting go but that gave me misty eyes.

I look at who presents themself to me lately

I just don't get excited, and I wonder if I ever will.

I really did give it all.

Better to have loved and.....

Frustration

All the things I am looking for are here

All is well

The things which cause me stress are not present

This is great

Why am I frustrated?

Because I want to share and experience it with someone

A special person

That is the part which seems to elude me constantly

They say we create our own worlds and destiny

I think I believe this

So why do I keep creating something in which I am frustrated

Lacking in one aspect or another?

That is the part which makes no sense

Why create that which we find disturbing?

It perplexes me and not sure how to remedy it!

Lately

I have been effected by excessive longing

Missing you

Wondering why

Wishing you would get out of my head

So I could just move forward and get something so much better

Cause you sure are not it with the silence and lack of communication you hold

Moving

Tomorrow

Hard to deal with it in some respects

Glad to get a good place

New start etc.

Sad, confused as it is not with us.

Never

Thought I would say it

It may be temporary

But I don't really think so

I am fed up

Tired

Beat down

I don't need to question

I know the answer

I would like to hear you say it

But know I will never

You don't have the courage

To stand up and be the person you said you were

You don't have actions to support what you told me

You are not the you I know

In that I just accept

I don't really miss

I don't really hurt

I don't really anything

I am numb for it all

Wasted time?

No I don't regret

It gave me more things I did not have

Life turning around

In ways I would not expect

But in general I am numb

Not just to you but to all potentials

Why go there?

It does not matter so many lies

No truths in who people are

Action versus words

They don't match

I said it all before I met you

You seemed different

Words meeting action

and one thing goes wrong

One thing you didn't want to face

and your tune changed

Like everyone else

So I have a new theory

That people when challenged with the things they don't want

Become who they are not to deal with them

And get rid of themself who was with you

and the you they no longer want

Why?

Does it still hurt

Does it still bother

Does it still confuse

All questions without punctuation

because they seem pointless and painful without end.

This is truly sad, not tears, but oh my god get over it sad

The sappy love story finished two hours ago.

Another Night

I am perplexed

With each passing day

I can see without a doubt

That in the end you really don't care

There is no hope

There is no etc.

With each day I accept this more

Chastising myself each time I consider how long it is taking

To heal and to let go

And I wonder to myself

Why, would I, even offer you a thought

You who treated me so poorly without respect at the end

I wonder why tonight I feel longing

Why I sit missing you and wishing

Guess I truly gave my heart

Guess it takes a lot to get it back

Without You

I rock climb

I act

I create theatre

I develop children's shows

I live a free spirited life and don't worry about finding a career

I build my career in the arts

I live some would say

These are all things that I would do with you

I just needed the time to figure out how to do them there

Time you wouldn't give us as you didn't communicate

It is okay, I have fell naturally to the things I love

and although you do not experience them with me

I think, it is for the better,

You didn't want to share them or you would have worked and communicated

One always should be with the someone who simply partakes of you

In hindsight I see you did not

Sad

Chaos

The world swims around me

There is so much going on

That I am averaging about 4 hours sleep each night

So much I don't flip my bed out to sleep

I just fall down on the couch

I woke up to see and feel the chaos

which I have ordered quite well

surrounding me

I look forward to moving

To creating a space which facilitates my busy

but accommodates peace

It is important to have a resting place

I breathe

Dreams

Had a weird one last night

I guess a product of my ex finally contacting me

Cold as ever.

I dreamed I was a jedi

Wielding my light saber

In a dark room

The battle seemed fierce

But when was over come by the evil forces

The director called cut and told us we had messed up the choreography

Later I was sitting at a fancy dinner

When a "bad guy" came up to let me know he had succeeded in stealing the nuclear bomb

As everyone evacuated someone asked me, Justin, actually where I was going?

I was responsible for disarming it.

Why me?

So off I went to do so

A tangle of wires that seemed familiar.

So familiar it was the same dream I had before.

Then I awoke.

Offers to my psychosis, and what it all means.

Sometimes

Sometimes I sit back and look at my life

It is 4am and I don't know why I am not asleep

I am so busy doing things that I just want to rebel

Stay up and do what I want

Relax, be luxurious, watch a movie, write etc.

In four hours I will be tired as I go to work.

I know this yet still I stay up.

I look at my life and see how it is so not like any norm

I have much of what I want but I have to work

I do crazy hours, work multiple jobs, just to pursue my dream

It burns me out and I want to just feel ... normal?

I want my dreams in my hand

But I don't want the work that goes with them

It is why I sometimes need to rebel

stay up late and say fuck it

because I have to let the work go while I cut loose from it

I will make it up, I will be tired, I will achieve

I don't lead a 9-5 life, I never have

I don't know if I could

In these moments I sometimes want/wish for a "real" job

The stableness of it

The 9-5 of it as I think about settling down

The normalcy so I can know and expect and feel secure

It would be nice but would I be happy?

Waking Up

There is so much going on right now

Fabulous

I am acting

Reading another script for more acting

Reading another script for maybe directing

Auditions for more acting

Work is fun and money is coming in

I am blessed

Thank you universe

I woke up this morning

Alone

I realize I have no one to share this with

I thought it would have been you

I realized I am living one of my fears

Alone

It does not kill me

But makes me sad

When I am ready I will open to let someone in

Then I will share

Maybe I just need to learn how to do this on my own

Hope vs. Faith

How often have you hoped for something?

How often have you had faith for something?

I believe that hope is the action, mentally and physically of holding on.

Holding on in a way that is crushing, clinging, clutching and suffocating.

We wrap ourselves around the something and with all our might we hope that it will do what we want.

This is an act of fear.

Fear in its suffocating, holding, crushing nature is the opposite of love.

Love is the act of letting go.

Allowing something its freedom to do/be what it needs.

In giving it this freedom we offer true acceptance of what something is

True acceptance is true love and it is exemplified in faith.

Faith is the believing in something, and knowing somewhere within yourself that it will come to be the way we see it

We do not cling to it, crush it or suffocate it

Rather we allow it the time to go through all that it needs to go

Throughout this time we support it and offer ourselves in any way it needs

When it has decided and come to itself it will be there for us

and so our faith in it comes true.

The important thing which moves hope to faith is action

When there is evidence and outcome that things are happening

then we have faith.

When we nothing occurs and we are given nothing to see action

We hope.

Life Challenges

I have reached a point of frustration
Like that has never happened before
I do not feel like I am acheiving what I want
Emotionally.

I recently was given the tools to deal with this
Yet I find myself not using them
In the past few weeks I continue to question why?
I can solve but I do not.

I look at the tools and myself and know the answer
Using these tools will require me to dig into myself
Dig deep and face things
I believe that I am a good person, that I offer much
Yet I keep scaring women away from strong relationships
There must be something wrong
So what if I dig in and find I don't like what I see?
What if I find something I can't live with?
What if I find something I cannot get past or fix?

It is easier to carry on with what is known
Easier to face the existing blase
Yet it leaves me feeling depressed and sad
This is not living

I simply want to find someone who will share my life and take me for who I am
I thought I had that but I was wrong
Close but no cigar
Without work I will never have a cigar
So I write this to empower me to begin the work
Begin the work
Make the time to use the tools
and one day not miss what was but relish what is

Dates

I am in the restaurant
Having drinks and enjoying conversation
Another date

The woman is beautiful
Attractive,
Entertaining,
She holds conversation
and in short this is good

The point is it is in short
I think to myself why?
Where is the connection
How do I establish it
Where is the wow that makes me think I would like to do it again

Just over two years ago I said
"I would love to talk to you all night"
And I meant it so we found a way
Literally
And two years went by in bliss for me

I don't want to do it all again
To find I am wrong
To share to open
To be part of
Only to be lied to
Played
and finally turned away

I don't think
I will find the wow
for a while

Dreams

I have had wierd dreams lately
Involving people in my life
who although are part of it are more
in the outside circle

Dreams involving bold actions
big cities and then their contrast
meek actions or none

Vivid and powerful
yet I do not know how to connect them

Trains

I am on a train
Off to visit a friend
The train feels exciting to me.
I am glad to be going.
Doing something different.
I wonder as the rain beats against the window
If I am getting better.

I think of the day
The smiling I did
and I think I am.

Had a realization the other morning
Get the money and run
Treated so poorly why hang on?
Wondering why it takes so long to understand simple things
Oh yeah my heart was totally in it.

One day.

Contact

Just watched Contact again.
Thought to myself that I could review it and put it on my review page (rather defunk)
But then I thought I don't want to ruin something the impacts me by analyzing it

There is not much to the movie
Girl studies space, gets signal, big hoopla to go chase signal, gets to outer space, comes back no one believes her
Decent film

What makes it impact is love.
What?
Love!
There is a little continuing plot between Matt McC and Jodi F.
They meet, fall in love, she denies, he pursues at a distance, knowing she will come around
At the end of the film he is still there for her
In the face of the world's skepticism of her he stands by her side

In the last moments of the film he says:
"As a person of faith I am bound by a different covenant from Dr. Arrowway
But our goal is one in the same, the pursuit of truth
I for one believe her"

And there it is
The entire world stands against her
and this one person stands up and to the world says
I support her.

This is love and for Hollywood a very surprising truth of it
Love is support, in all circumstances for the person you love
Love is supported by truth and communication
It is a two way street

I believe in love
the same way some people believe in gods
When I give it
I don't hold back
I have met no one who understands this
and no one who believes it too

I find this disturbingly humorous
because we long for it, we seek it, we write
films, poems, stories, songs, paintings and other arts about it
We have it at the foundation of so much
and yet we never give ourselves the opportunity to accept it into our own lives
because we succumb to the pressures of the social conditions we as a globe provide

I query
When will we realize that our goals in life are simple? To live in happiness
by sharing all that we have within ourselves and not that which is outside of us!

Delightfully bad

Today I had but a short while for a snack before work
I reached into my pocket and had but a short budget
I was in the mall and saw the food court
Quick and easy, not so healthy but easy
I saw the sign for the 3.99 special
and I walked up to the counter and ordered
KFC

Oh so wrong and oh so right.
Not done that in years.

Writing

It has been some time since I truly wrote
So much has happened
Tonight I feel like just putting stuff down
I don't think anyone reads this anymore
But that is okay, if you do then feel free to comment

I have been realizing lately that my life is pretty good
I would like to share it with someone who simply put
accepts me for exactly who I am and what monetary status I exist at
if I was sharing my life with someone like this life would be perfect
I recognize that I am still sad because I thought I had this person
but well... there is a lot of posts expressing how I didn't

In realizing this I see that I am getting closer to simply accepting
This is my life, in all its glory
Tonight I went out and did some things I wanted
By myself
I realized that being alone allows me to live according to my means without pressure
and as each day goes past I slowly remove the barriers I see as hindrances
I think by the time my heart says it will allow someone in that close again
those barriers will have naturally gone away

We will see
I still hurt
I still miss
I still wish and hope sometimes
Love is a strange thing
I gave it fully and was returned nothing
not even respect as a human in the end
I wish I had done something horrible so I could say I deserve it
Oh well
So we live
So we learn
So our heart hurts
So our heart heals

Falling

We all fall down
What's important is how we get up.


I thought of this today and realized its truth
Regardless of looming hurts, past hurts, perceived etc
We are all the same in this one thing
Sooner or later we fall.
Getting up is what sets us apart

I wish I didn't hurt, still from these wounds
But I am standing now

February

The month is almost over.
It has been a while since I posted.
Things are better.
I still have flashes and wish I didn't
I look back and since nothing makes any sense
I feel forced to find all that was wrong
Look at things in a different light
Since you chose to simply disappear without a word
To view it as if it is all a lie
It must have been since you didn't even live up to the basic respect
You said that you offer everyone

36

The year is no different than any other
Things have changed from what I wanted/imagined
I am single
A year older
Living in Canada
Not married
Without a full time job
Living in a room vs a house
In debt

But for all of that I have survived
I have friends and family
Those who support
My dream feels a bit closer than ever
Money is present

So for all that feels like I could be shut down
I move forward
For this is life

Trust

I want to trust you
to that last element that forces us to connect
I wish we were not forced to connect but chose to
but you have in silence made it clear that you don't care period
so now I sit tensely thinking that so much of my future
is determined by your action
all this because I chose to trust you in the first place
and now I hope that you retain your trustworthiness in this manner
but as the day draws nearer I am reminded that in all other matters
you lied about your trust and feelings to me
I hope you prove to be the person I knew at least in one manner

I can't believe

That I am still effected by this
eight months
this is absolute sillyness
I think in the end some respect would be nice
but that would be too much to ask
I wonder truly how people work
how they change and become people we don't know