The Close

You are welcome to read this
I never asked you to stop and won't
The thought came to me that you might read it
Should I censor? should I hold back?

The thought lasted only a minute
I have never held back with you
I have always given you my all
This is no time to stop

If you choose to read and are affected
Then you do
You may hate me
You may love me
you may be inspired to respond
or use it as fodder to laugh at me
or fuel your anger
or maybe to forgive me
Regardless of what it does
I will not hold back

I know that love is a two way street
that I cannot convince you to love me
that if you are not willing to work and fight
then it is all pointless

I take a deep breath
I accept you have stopped thinking of me as a love
You asked what I want
I want you
For I love you, I am in love with you, I want you and I need you in my life.

These words have always been a truth to me
I never said them without intention of keeping them with you till my death
So even though we come to a close because you cannot live and feel by what you once said
I take a look at all the hurts on both sides
I breathe
I feel love
I choose to forgive and work
and I know we can get past them

We come to a close for you do not want to work that way today
I must move forward
My heart, my words my soul remain open to you
For I am in love with you

Waking Up

As each day goes by you hurt me more
I only had one simple request
That if you knew to tell me
Please don't drag me along
I said
I have been here before it is better to just do what is necessary
You agreed, you said you don't play games,
and you again so many times stated I am not a mean person

I wonder when you will stop playing games
I wonder when you will stop dragging me along
I wonder where you are, you were not a mean person

Your ex did worse to you than I and he is treated better
I did everything for you in action to show love

The sad thing about this
I still love you
I said the words because I knew my emotions stood by them
That I would not back down from them
Almost two months without a peep from you
I am still fighting
My final act giving you space

Inside I know the feeling, love
Being with people but feeling alone because I want them to be you
Not being open to anyone but you
Still desiring only you
Wishing you were here, wanting to talk to you

Stop hurting me, stop playing games
I know to it is time for me to stop letting you do so
Each day I close up that much more
Each day my smile is for me and my sadness gone for you
I never wanted to end

Each morning I wake up with you
Just like I used to
The only thing I want in my life
Is to wake up each morning and kiss your smiling beautiful face

Time

it is time
to walk away
I don't want to
but...
I take a really deep breath
beginning to move
I know I am still open
but I don't hold my breath for you
you don't care
have shown no signs of respect
no less love
it is time
hope and trust are broken
words useless but proven lies remain
I wonder
will you call, and offer some respect
I doubt it but I hope
at least for that little thing

Phone

12:01 am
Phone rings
Two times, not enough to get to it
Hope that it was you
Wish it was
But know inside it was not
To little communication
To little effort for it to be
Probably a wrong number
But I still hope
For I am open
I am willing
I am in ....

The Actor

Sitting in a coffee shop getting notes from my director
I smile as I realize I am an artist
Successful or otherwise it is who I am
It helps to define my character

My zest for life, to not get stuck
My zaniness, my gaiety, my bounce
My ability to listen, to care, to love
Being in touch with my own feelings
Philosophy and idealism
Are all things informed by my artist, me.

These great qualities lead me on a voyage
That not to long ago introduced me to the love of my life
Unfortunately that artist who makes me desirable also leaves me undesirable

She has left me
Alone
beyond an initial desire to work and solve our bump in the road
she has left me with no communication, no respect, no care regarding us in anyway
I know she faces much, but this does not excuse cutting me out and cutting me in this way

As I think about it more and more I realize my artist helps inform these actions
My instability, my less masculine side, my inability to just take the reigns,
My lack of money, and potential weakness
My artist teaches me to question everything so that in my emotions I am always true
It teaches me to challenge myself so that I give all of me without reserve
all this informed by my artist
All things that when in a time of difficulty can easily lead one away from me

I am alone, I am afraid
We used to promise that we would not lose each other
That this was forever
We agreed to marry
But on the drop of a dime this all changed
I was without knowledge that it even was brewing

My fears have all come true in a matter of weeks
and all I can think now is that myself
This time while I challenged my emotions and sought to give my all
I was scaring her away
My action to get closer forced her to run

It is tragically ironic
If I were not this artist
I would never have met her
I would not have been where I was physically to meet her
Nor would I have the skills to draw her in
But at the same time the artist seems to have a quality that fulfills needs
I do what most other men do not, in my listening, my trusting, my feeling side
My caring aspect of love
But once that is used and I help to see brighter skies
I am useless, my caring comforting artist is no longer needed
So I am set to pasture
So if I were not this artist I would be like most other men
And I would be in this relationship still
A double edged sword

I recognize that I am who I am
That not only my artist informs all in my relationships
There are other aspects of me
But this is my biggest strongest side
It informs the most
Without it I would truly be a different person

So as I sit in the coffee shop alone after notes
a tear runs down my face
I am an actor
It leads me to so many wonderful places
It is all I have left
For it not only draws everyone in
But it forces them away

Mystery

Sitting at home
Alone waiting wondering when the call will come,
If the call will come

I wonder what makes it so difficult
By now you know how you feel
So call and tell me get it solved
For keeping me in limbo is just mean
It is selfish and it is inconsiderate

I wonder if it is possible
To be debating to be torn to be confused after all this
For me not possible but maybe for you
So call and let me know
Share and talk
For keeping me in limbo is just mean
It is selfish it is inconsiderate

You said you are not mean
But everything in the last while has been
Your character has changed and all that you were
I don't know
You are cruel and heartless
Full of lies and deciet

I wonder what do you get out of hurting me
I can see no value
It wastes time in life
I think regardless of where you are at
It is time
Stop being mean long enough to call
And offer some respect to the time we shared
For it was valuable

I cry for after all of that I still have some hope
and wish I did not

Silence

"Silence is never a good thing"

You said that once.
When I took over two hours to respond to an email while I was working on a conference call
Well almost two months have gone by and you have not said a thing

I can guess that this is really bad
I don't really guess anymore
I just assume
It seems pretty obvious

But why hold off
Why not just face it
Why not just say what is on your mind?

I don't have answers
But since I know what I want I can't make that call
You know what I want
You know how I feel

Action has demonstrated it for over a year and a half
Asking for your hand for eternity
I thought that might do it
Oops, silly me

Silence, never a good thing
Especially when that much is involved

Trust

gave everything
loved like never before
learned lessons from the past errors

it would seem that these are the steps
one would take to get to better healthier relationships
in my case they were the steps to get me to the worst

I have never been treated so poorly or with as much malisciousness
as I face now
I don't understand how that works
the build up to this was the best ever
I never thought I would be here
so broken
but as we approached I could never have
imagined it would get ugly
lesson learned
do not trust

Loving

There have been a few times in my life
That I have used the words I Love You
This last time was is for me
No other beyond compare
No want to compare

Of all the ways things happen
This finale has been the worst
Playing on my life's greatest fear
Silence and the growing evidence
That I was never wanted but needed

But I geuss we just have to take life for what it is
The sad part for me
Because I truly love I am still open and willing to work
That because I meant everything I said and stand by my actions
I want to solve and grow with the one I love

Sad to feel like the only person who gives and means it
But I learned something
I learned a new level of hurt
One that teaches me I don't want to do this again
I have loved and lost
I can feel me shutting down to never hurt like this again
Sad still open when I shut down never again

The epitome

We joked about me booking a gig that would solve our financial struggle

Well today I did

The biggest day of my entire career

No more financial struggles for us

But you are not here

I don't know if you ever will be

I went to celebrate

Called two close friends

Both sick in bed

I went alone

As I lifted my celebratory drink

Without the one person who I want to celebrate with

I look up to the big screen

An orange paw, on a purple and orange jersey

Not yours but really close

A universal slap

It cuts to commercial

Harry Potter opens today

I am not there to see it with you

I cheers myself

Alone in the bar

Celebrating a life victory

Alone in a bar

All around me are reminders of you

But you are not here

There is no indication that you would want to be

I take my first sip

Alone in a bar

I am tired of facing it alone

Good or bad

But I will

For I have nothing left

Just me

Alone in a bar

On the most influential day of my life

Repeating History

Twelve years ago

Almost to the day

I felt I had lost everything

I reached a life crisis

My love and I were separated by great distance

Due to a new job

She sounded so emotionally distant

I did not understand the path I was on

It sent me into a downward spiral

For about three weeks

When I came to I regained my clarity

Rushing home to reclaim myself and my love

She was not there

Emotionally sliding

She said we could fix

But never intended to do so

Three weeks later

Broken and crushed

I moved to the city

She never knew I thought of marriage

With nothing left

I threw myself at my work

Things looked good for a while

I booked

Twelve years later

I face a life crisis

My love and I are separated by distance

She already agreed to marry me

The life confusion sent me into a downward spiral

That lasted about three weeks

When I came to I had my clarity

But my love was gone

She said we should fix it

But has not shown the effort

I have lost my hope

Without hope I have nothing

With nothing left to lose

I threw myself at my work

Things seem good

I am booking

As future becomes present and present becomes past

I will no longer include love in the equation

For this repeat of history has just about destroyed me

A third time will kill me

Ahhhh...

So the realizations are hitting faster and harder

I don't want them to

I am not ready

But I know the truth

It takes two

Always two

Never just one

Tired

I am tired

Most of my mature life I have sought valuable relationship

In contrast to the world around me

I have always wanted a stable partner

Some one person to share my experiences with

I wanted it so bad as a youth

I would allow sex to confuse me

I would cling to anything to think that this could be it

As I matured I learned better

I spent a long time breaking down my habits

To stop lying to myself to be aware to choose wisely

Along the way I learned that I am a good person

That I am also a helpful and insightful person

My skills can clear problems with my level head

And clear mind

In seeing this while breaking my habits

I learned that in the past women used that good person

To spring board past problems and once used discarded me

I set out to find one person different from all of this

One person who would not use me as a stepping stone

But I believed it no longer possible

That my age, my knowledge of people, the reality of the world

That this one woman did not exist

I found her accidentally

She claimed that from the second she saw me she knew

Forever

She demonstrated and fulfilled these words

Did everything different than the past

Proved it was possible

In the words love

At least to me

I believe that two people work together

That no matter how hard the challenge

They work as one to overcome

Meeting half way to solve

In solving grow and make better

The two and the one

We hit a big problem

We faced it and agreed it was set to rest

It was not, at least for her,

It was hidden from me

It was a lie that we were fine

In the lie so happened the regression

and bit by bit those demonstrations of perfection

became like all the past

I trusted against this that it could not happen

But as we faced that challenge once again

All the words have been just that

Words

There has been no action to support

The past has taught me no action to me

Equals action to the self and growth without me

Leaving me used and discarded

I sit alone tonight

Hearing words

Wishing I was wrong

Praying I am incorrect

Crying that I found one person who gives like me

Stands by her words

Acts for the two

But the lack of action speaks louder than words

and I am left crying alone

Alone I face the world

and slowly I accept my dream of a partner

is but a pipe dream

I will face the world alone

I no longer feel I am of value to anyone

At least not of value worth keeping

I am tired of being discarded and no longer want to give

To discover I am useful only for one thing

That is not value to me

I will face alone

I find solace in knowing I have not given falsely

That I did not seek to hurt

That my indiscretions were done accidentally

And came from good intentions logic - ed out wrong

That in facing it alone

At least I did not accidentally bring someone along for too long

Get to embroiled and have a past broken home

Subtle solace but solace nonetheless

Unfortunate that I am not wrong in what I see

I wish I was

I would have value then

I would believe that someone else is like me

A Spark

Two years ago a fire was extinguished as a career felt its close
Eight months later the spark that was left found hope
As it moved onto something fun and a flame ignited
Two months later the spark found love and a fire burned
Two years later the fire was extinguished when communication was taken away from it
Leaving only a glowing ember
Two days ago the ember burned out when trust was broken

Crashing

The world I know

crashes around me

falls to the grounds and me to my knees

I continue to give

and I wonder why I have so much

to do so

when around me the world

and people I know

never live by what they say they will do

I wish for once I was wrong

I wish for once I could just stop

and be like the others

hurt with intention and move on

forget it when one thing goes wrong

and move on

but I am not that

I don't do that

I live and breathe by my words

when I give my soul

I stay and solve

I hate doing it alone

Hope

Hope is a funny thing
Some days I am full of it
Other days I have none of it
The occasional day I have a sliver or two

I keep hearing so many of your words
They are all words I have heard before
Each time previous they have all been lies
Used to cover the desire to gently say
I no longer want you
(only to realize I was only ever needed)

Actions speak louder than words
This is true
I am unique in most of my words I hold true
In those three specific I do not falter
So I have made my choices
I know my heart
I continue to give and live by the words I spoke

This morning I realized something which hurt the hope
This has nothing to do with my heart at all
There is nothing I can do, no words I can say, no actions I can take
For this is solely about your heart and your choices alone

Toronto

I am not meant to be here.
Whether I end up where I want to
or whether I do not
Toronto will not be my home for long

Having been away from it for so long I realize I do not like it here
I prefer smaller
I like little spaces
I want stability
This chaos sucks

Maybe if I owned my own coffee shop?!
A little place reminiscent of a Sherlock Holmes opium house
At least in terms of style, not people.

Up and Down

So we have an agreement
With no knowledge of what that means for the future
Which in its own way hurts as I know clearly what I want

We are both hurt
You for my indiscretions
Any I for your indiscretions
Yes we have both done things to hurt

Apologies have passed but anger is obvious still
How to get past it
I give I give I give

So some days I am up
Some days I am down
I know nothing any day
Except for that which hurts

You are unsure
Have no view of anything but the present
Are clear where you are
Seem distant from me

Months ago that thought made you ill
Now thoughts like this don't phase
I wonder again how women shut down like that and stop
When I said I love I meant forever
So I cannot shut down like that and I give

Even if you stop and it is apparent that I must
I will continue giving silently and will be hurt for a long time
So lets be honest
This minute I feel up
This minute I feel down
This second...

Most seconds are down
For I miss, I love and now I hurt

The end? or the beginning?

It has been a long four weeks.
The girl of my dreams dropped a time bomb on me
That issues from the past that were dealt with were not
And as a result our relationship is not

We want to talk
We agree we need to be friends and regain trust
We have no idea where that takes us or what we want from that starting over
Starting over, her words but no knowledge of what we are starting

In the last four weeks none of the above agreements have been met
Each day I call, each day I email, each day I put effort into communicating
Each day she puts me off and I only have so much to give
If actions do not change it is obvious that words mean nothing
Without action and work to heal none takes place
There is hurt and anger on both sides but even that needs communication
Yelling at one another is a good way to start, provided you want to finish in a good place
It provides understanding to the pain and gets it out of the system
Keeping things holed up only allows them to fester

I know what I want but my hope has been crushed
I can only hold out for so long
Right now I take a deep breath
I just live and breathe everyday

I hope each day that the fantasy we started
truly becomes our reality
I am romantic at heart and want what so few have
true love
For a brief time I had it with her
I guess it is not true if she is not with me in the end

And so there it is
If we do not start talking soon
If we do not start communicating and building soon
We will never
I send out a universal prayer
That she still feels
That she wants to truly talk
That she hopes to find our friendship
That it rekindles our love
That she calls tonight and begins working with me on us

Let the universe here that my hope is for a happy next blog
For I have been broken, crushed and my heart stomped on
I gave all for I love
I thought if you gave truly it came back to you
So far I have been wrong
I want to be proven right for a change
I love therefore I hope

Obvious

You once said
"Silence is never a good thing"
You once said (many times)
"Are you ready to make the choices necessary for us"

It seems that I was only a mirror for questions you need to ask you
Removal by omission is abusive and painful

You once said I
"Was different than everyone else"
You once said
"I love you"

I guess these words have no meaning impact
That these actions demonstrated to create these words
Are not looked at to weigh the whole person being judged

I thought with those words
I had at least gained enough respect
For some communication

I guess truly I am the fool
for giving at all, for trusting to your words
to living by the words I once said
"I love you"
"I will not run away"
"I will never betray you for I am not your past"

Actions are louder than words
It would still be nice to hear what those actions mean

Halo

A song to remember? It once had meaning. Tragic the way things change. Have to wonder about the impact of words versus actions.

Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make up a sound

I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light

I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me back to the ground again

Feels like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
The risk that I'm takin'
I'm never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
Halo, halo

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

It Takes Two

... to make a relationship work
but only one thing
which one person can not see past
to destroy it

I have said this all my life
and now I look it dead in the eye
I realize that in addition to this theory
all of my philosophies
both negative and positive
have been embodied in this one woman

all my fantasies and fears in the same person
all my joys and challenges
I rejoiced in the easy stuff and worked to overcome the challenges
I was successful for myself
but did not listen to my own teachings and philosophies
so the work I did was in vain
I never had a chance

cause it only takes one thing that one person is not willing to overcome
What a dream a beautiful fantasy that I tasted and made a reality for a second
What a nightmare
The darkness won

The Universe

...gives us all that we need
and there is a reason for everything
For once in my life I cannot see or understand why
The universe gave me this pain and this destruction
I usually can find a small sliver to work with
But this time
I have nothing
I see no reason or lesson that will come out of this
I thought I had used my past lessons to make choices wisely
But I guess I was wrong

Numb Pain

They are not my words but I am using them
Simply because I have become good at it
Music, silence, work and alcohol
All the things I do to forget where I am
What is going on
How I am alone again
How I hurt inside
How my giving means shit
How words mean nothing
and action now seems to mean nothing too
that in the end feelings mean nothing also
for they are not respected or held to
So while I recognize that the one thing I believe in is crushed
That the only time in close to twenty years I opened like this
That all my ideals and philosophies are wrong and useless
And I am being left behind over a lack of understanding and misperception
I think to me
Well that is life and it can crush
We are where we need to be
So for the time being I will numb pain
Oh alcohol! You are my true friend right now.

The biggest turn

I am not where I want to be
I am here without you
I gained the clarity that I needed

You told me what you shared was not full
What I knew in essence is not true
There is a choice to be made
By you
To see me for who I am
Or make me into your past
I have no control over it

At this point every angle, every action you make
Says the choice is made
You see nothing but your past in me
Unfortunate, for it is misunderstanding
It is not truly looking at me
Nor is it taking the risks we said we would take
when we uttered those three words.

I did not run when you shared and you were positive I would
I accepted your side and fulfilled all that you asked
I did more than anyone else
I smiled when you said "you are not like anyone else"
I did nothing to betray you
But think of you in a light I believed positive
Ironic that it cost me you, tragic really

I see all of that
Experience your ice which I knew would never be pleasant
Understand exactly what you are doing for I have watched you do it
And I sit in pain

I cannot continue like this
So while I pray for ice to melt
And a flower to bloom
I changed the circumstance
And did for me

Broken and hurt

Tonight I talked with my mother
About how much I truly missed you
About how much I truly missed my life with you
About how where you are felt like home
I expressed I had a thin sliver of hope
By midnight my hope had been shattered
Again in my life I am being pulled along
Each day I put out the hope that today is the day
The day you live up to the words
But today again I was put off
Today again I was an afterthought
Each day it has got a little worse
Tomorrow I have nothing left to put out hope with
Everything I have is in your hands, I gave it all to you
You have put it down and forgot it
Actions not words, I know this, but you taught me its strength
Your actions say it all
I have nothing left but a hurt and broken soul and heart

Morning

I woke up two hours ago and wrote a blog.
It was really really long
It was about the pain I go through each day trying to understand how we got here
It was about all the things that are happening to show me your actions saying you are gone
It was about the few things I see that offer a small sliver of hope
It was about everything I am doing to keep my sanity and my love
It was all those things and more.
I discovered something in there, about our communication
It offered me a slightly larger piece of hope
I pray you may read it or listen to me about it and see love