The Actor

Sitting in a coffee shop getting notes from my director
I smile as I realize I am an artist
Successful or otherwise it is who I am
It helps to define my character

My zest for life, to not get stuck
My zaniness, my gaiety, my bounce
My ability to listen, to care, to love
Being in touch with my own feelings
Philosophy and idealism
Are all things informed by my artist, me.

These great qualities lead me on a voyage
That not to long ago introduced me to the love of my life
Unfortunately that artist who makes me desirable also leaves me undesirable

She has left me
Alone
beyond an initial desire to work and solve our bump in the road
she has left me with no communication, no respect, no care regarding us in anyway
I know she faces much, but this does not excuse cutting me out and cutting me in this way

As I think about it more and more I realize my artist helps inform these actions
My instability, my less masculine side, my inability to just take the reigns,
My lack of money, and potential weakness
My artist teaches me to question everything so that in my emotions I am always true
It teaches me to challenge myself so that I give all of me without reserve
all this informed by my artist
All things that when in a time of difficulty can easily lead one away from me

I am alone, I am afraid
We used to promise that we would not lose each other
That this was forever
We agreed to marry
But on the drop of a dime this all changed
I was without knowledge that it even was brewing

My fears have all come true in a matter of weeks
and all I can think now is that myself
This time while I challenged my emotions and sought to give my all
I was scaring her away
My action to get closer forced her to run

It is tragically ironic
If I were not this artist
I would never have met her
I would not have been where I was physically to meet her
Nor would I have the skills to draw her in
But at the same time the artist seems to have a quality that fulfills needs
I do what most other men do not, in my listening, my trusting, my feeling side
My caring aspect of love
But once that is used and I help to see brighter skies
I am useless, my caring comforting artist is no longer needed
So I am set to pasture
So if I were not this artist I would be like most other men
And I would be in this relationship still
A double edged sword

I recognize that I am who I am
That not only my artist informs all in my relationships
There are other aspects of me
But this is my biggest strongest side
It informs the most
Without it I would truly be a different person

So as I sit in the coffee shop alone after notes
a tear runs down my face
I am an actor
It leads me to so many wonderful places
It is all I have left
For it not only draws everyone in
But it forces them away