Tired

I am tired

Most of my mature life I have sought valuable relationship

In contrast to the world around me

I have always wanted a stable partner

Some one person to share my experiences with

I wanted it so bad as a youth

I would allow sex to confuse me

I would cling to anything to think that this could be it

As I matured I learned better

I spent a long time breaking down my habits

To stop lying to myself to be aware to choose wisely

Along the way I learned that I am a good person

That I am also a helpful and insightful person

My skills can clear problems with my level head

And clear mind

In seeing this while breaking my habits

I learned that in the past women used that good person

To spring board past problems and once used discarded me

I set out to find one person different from all of this

One person who would not use me as a stepping stone

But I believed it no longer possible

That my age, my knowledge of people, the reality of the world

That this one woman did not exist

I found her accidentally

She claimed that from the second she saw me she knew

Forever

She demonstrated and fulfilled these words

Did everything different than the past

Proved it was possible

In the words love

At least to me

I believe that two people work together

That no matter how hard the challenge

They work as one to overcome

Meeting half way to solve

In solving grow and make better

The two and the one

We hit a big problem

We faced it and agreed it was set to rest

It was not, at least for her,

It was hidden from me

It was a lie that we were fine

In the lie so happened the regression

and bit by bit those demonstrations of perfection

became like all the past

I trusted against this that it could not happen

But as we faced that challenge once again

All the words have been just that

Words

There has been no action to support

The past has taught me no action to me

Equals action to the self and growth without me

Leaving me used and discarded

I sit alone tonight

Hearing words

Wishing I was wrong

Praying I am incorrect

Crying that I found one person who gives like me

Stands by her words

Acts for the two

But the lack of action speaks louder than words

and I am left crying alone

Alone I face the world

and slowly I accept my dream of a partner

is but a pipe dream

I will face the world alone

I no longer feel I am of value to anyone

At least not of value worth keeping

I am tired of being discarded and no longer want to give

To discover I am useful only for one thing

That is not value to me

I will face alone

I find solace in knowing I have not given falsely

That I did not seek to hurt

That my indiscretions were done accidentally

And came from good intentions logic - ed out wrong

That in facing it alone

At least I did not accidentally bring someone along for too long

Get to embroiled and have a past broken home

Subtle solace but solace nonetheless

Unfortunate that I am not wrong in what I see

I wish I was

I would have value then

I would believe that someone else is like me