Karaoke Hell

6 drunks, one big family with 4 kids who want to sing, 2 ladies who sing horribly and me
Yes this is New Years 2008
The ship is so grand
The drunks have left and so have the ladies
I am a babysitter for the British family
Please go home
Nope the kids want to sing
Another one by....
I keep zoning out
I keep drifting
I am thinking of you and how much I miss you
How much I want you
How much I don't want to be here
I think of you with friends in Jacksonville
Staying with at least people you can talk too
I want you hold you
I want a new years kiss
I want I want I want
Am I deserving
I seem to be not able to hold it together
Thus I float on the ocean
I believe I can solve with you. with me as a team
I love only you
Karaoke Hell, New Year's 2008 made better by
A shot of Jack and a splash of ginger to numb the pain
I wish it would numb the missing and longing
At least I can't hear the kids anymore.

Tired

I am tired I am done
My energy for this is really gone
Yes it is fun but it is not my life
You are my life
You are my love
You are not here
When I was single I could do this
But now I just want to start my life with you
The distance hurts my soul, it hurts us
I want to get past this fatigue and be energized by us
I don't want these external things that get in our way
Questions and ifs that if the distance did not exist we would not even think about
This is about us
But right now it is about us and a distance
I don't like three people in my relationship
I am tired of it
Two months more. Arrrgh!

Tears

I have heard you cry before
I have been the source of it and known it
I have worked to overcome your tears
But the last time was different
You were hurt, not by us but by circumstance
You should not be
I wanted to reach through the phone
I should be there but I am not
My life choices in conflict with each other
To be with you but to do so without being a burden
Something we both want
I face many things
Challenges, opportunities whatever we call them
But right now they are all outweighed by just being able to be with you
I don't want to hear you cry, or be upset,
Not that I want it hidden from me, I just don't ever want you to feel that way
Right now my distance is the source of those tears and I work to absolve both
No more Christmases alone, no more alone

Christmas Day

I am on a ship
I should be with you
No I should be home but you should be with me
I should be in your arms
I should be talking to you
Making cookies with you
being wine party worthy with you
But I am on a ship
It leads to a question
What am I doing with my life?
I should be with you.

Late night club

I arrive at midnight
I want one beer and the rythym
I want to feel my body move to the beat of the music
It is so packed if there is a fire we will all die,
I don't care and I work my way into the crowd
My beer in hand I begin to move
The heat is intense
It is a meat market for sure
People holed up on ships, crew only crew,
This is there chance to cut loose and be stupid
Tits and ass are everywhere
I see guys falling over anyone who will let them
I see it but I do not take it in
I keep looking but not at that
I keep searching for you
Diligently looking even though I know you are not coming
I keep hoping that I will find you
I want you and only you
I want to feel just your body
I want your breath on my neck
Your lips on mine
You tonge to fight with mine,
I want your hands on me
I want to touch the five spots and take you in
I want to grind with you and explore our bodies like this but it must be yours
I want only you
So all around me is the chaos of the sexual energy
But I am impervious to it because my energy is on you
There is not one person who could break it for my energy is on you
As I move I realize to myself how special you truly are
How much I have chose to give you
How much I am linked to you
For in this environment, the one of threat, I know nothing can shake me
Nothing can pull me away
Nothing can convince me otherwise
To do something to take me away from you

Different

Weeks ago something changed
I felt it but did not understand
I pleaded for explanation and sat impatiently waiting
It finally came
Change, I was crushed, my heart in pieces on the floor
I raced to try and save someone I had lost
More valuable than a wallet, or an heirloom, or any priceless thing
This was a life attached to me, one I chose to let in,
One I chose to let grow with me
Torn from my flesh, my ribs, my heart, exposing my broken carcass to the harsh element called life

Days went by and something changed
I felt it but only had an inkling of understanding
There was something there in my soul worth working with
Something you were willing to open up to and try with again
I worked to try and save us, give, be open, communicate
But it did not feel right
Something was missing, something we had
It was hard, I knew it required time, so I did not give up
Neither did you

More days passed and something changed
I felt it and believed I gained some knowledge
There was a ray of hope, an offering to help us proceed
Something you were able to communicate that I clearly understood
I stopped working and began to breathe
It was difficult but you were worth it

Weeks went by and something changed
I felt it but knew I was confused
Our growth felt stilted, hazy and weak
I feared it was irreparable, that you were gone or going
Nothing I could do would work
But I stayed, it would take time if I was wrong
I learned something and carried on
I put all my trust on the line and ripped open my soul
Lying naked on the ground for you to step on if you chose

Days went by and something changed
I felt it and knew I had grown
I had bared myself and found things I could have never conceived
I reached new depths of honesty and love and had you to thank
I looked back to you and saw that you were with me

Days went by and something changed
I felt it and hurt to hear it
Those things I have done
Cut very very deep
Nothing done to hurt
Nothing done at all
In action choices poorly made
Foundations cracked to the core
Scared that what I learned came to late

Today went by and something changed
Something different
Different good, different great
Something subtle, a change in tone,
A little more you
A little more me
A little more us

Today want by and something changed
I felt it and we will be okay
Love is an amazing thing

Ship

The ship is this little bubble I go to 

It is a place where reality disappears

People come and people go 

There is no current events

There is no bad day

The weather always feels the same

A safe little bubble

I went there to change my life

To clear my debts and my head

I have achieved both

I am debt free and know I am an actor

Through and through

The ship gave me more than I expected

It gave me clarity and insight into myself

It showed me what I was capable of doing for me

It allowed me personal understanding and acceptance

So that I could do things without lying to myself anymore

Without playing games against me

I thought that was enough

It was stunning but the ship gave me more again

In my clarity I became open

I became free

I became able to hear

You spoke and my soul rang 

From Quazimoto's tower

I looked down 

Afraid at first of the distance to the ground

But as time grew as I listened more

I shouted my love with the ringing of the bells

No longer afraid of the fall

I looked to the sky to soar with the eagles

To fly above everyone with joy in my heart

I had to look down to conquer my fears

I had to look down to understand the sky

The ship gave me more than I could ever have imagined

In the past I would have had to touch the ground and get comfortable again

To experience it and reassure myself that the sky was worth it

With the lessons learned on the ship

All I had to do was look down to gain that understanding of the ground

I had no need to experience it

I was open enough to call on my past, to recall what it was, to understand what it did to me

I was free enough to know the ground offered me nothing compared to you

I was clear enough to trust the wings I had grown but never tested

I love enough to test my wings with you

I have never flown before

and I am a slow learner

At first it seemed easy and I soared beside you with grace

But as I learn I discovered things I did not understand about flight

My wings are not yet fully developed 

I have troubles with them

I have tumbled from the sky in fear

Flapping violently hoping not to hit the ground

A place I no longer need or want

As I fall I cry to the heavens in my want to soar, to be free

I am open and you have taught me much too

I listen to your words and I breathed

I control my panic

I focussed and I spread my wings

With some effort I flapped them and they supported me

I looked above and you were a speck in the sky

It is a long way back to you

My wings have gained some strength and I can make the distance

It will take a while but I will soar beside you again

When I do we shall hold hands and soar together

Emotions

Lately it feels like I am the source of all woe

I used to be a breath of fresh air

I know that this is not about me 

But about us

We are in a situation that neither of us wants

I feel it acutely because of my past

This situation only heightens those things which made me unworthy before

You are not my past

But this feels like words and not actions

I am not sure of what to do

I give all that I am but it feels like too little

All that I am too little...?

I know that you hurt

I know that I cannot solve that

I should be able to

I should not take it into myself

But I believe that is part of my role

At times you will be asked to take it into yourself

But not now

What should I do?

I don't want to lose us

But are words enough?

For me they are.

I have a fear

That I become boring

That I don't know what to do after a certain point of learning

That in this struggle I have reached that point in your mind

I know that this is not true

I know that this is this moment and you hurt

That which takes away the hurt is being present

In my heart I want to solve all of this

To fulfill the dreams which you and I share

To be happy with one another

To do things together with smiles on our faces

To make love and hold one another

That feels so far away and in the meantime 

I cannot solve

Last night...future

So tonight is my last night at home before my last short ship stint

I feel sad

I miss you

I know we both don't want me to go

I know we both don't want to feel strained

I know we have gone through a lot in the past bunch of weeks

I cannot see the future

I know we will be okay

I know we will be fine

I know that when we are close and building we will be great

It is a miracle that we met

Not that we simply met 

But on such a universal level that we collided

Had I or you one different thing happen in our lives

We would not have met

Had a different gene been passed to either of us we would not be the perfect match

In levels like that it is a miracle that we met

Of all the people of the world 

I choose you for everything that you are

For to me you are absolutely perfect

Even in the struggle of the this last while 

I continue to love you unconditionally

Things change and will change again

In our life together each change will be for the better

I do not want to go 

But I shall for the big picture of keeping you in my life

I hold each day with the thought of you and us together

I look to our future for it is only with you

I miss you each day and know that not too long from now

I will hold you each day

I will never stop loving you

And though I feel sad for our distance tonight

I know that in the future it will be worth every distant night

I love you, I trust you, I give you all that I am

Hold to me for a while longer

Till we can hold each other my love

I want

I want to just love again

To be able to communicate and be understood

I spoke with my mother tonight and got in trouble for not saying something earlier

Something which I had told her about earlier

I guess the communication problem is mine, I remain the only common factor

If I could communicate clearer I would not be sitting here writing this today

Different words would have been used, or clearer phrases would have happened

Something would be different in the way I expressed and this would not be what it is

It will be alright but I wonder why this has to happen to get there

Why I fall short

What I don’t understand in communication

I discovered yesterday that my mother’s lack of happiness rides on words I spoke years ago

Words which in the way I communicated came across to effect a decision that left her perpetually unhappy to this day

I did not say what she expresses she heard but obviously the way I communicate

I cannot help but feel that my communication is the source of everything in the end

I work to be clear but then I guess I say too much

I honestly don’t know

A picture is worth a thousand words

I believe a touch is worth more

I want to be near

I don’t want to be going away again

Had I communicated differently I may never have left

I found out today that my financial position effects my mother’s piece of mind

For I still have things here, when she feels cluttered it aggravates her

I keep extrapolating out from this simple place

I hear versions of it in the past and see it in the present

I want to have answers

I want to have something solid to go on

Not a wing and a prayer

I want to breathe and be relaxed all the time

I want to be a stress release not a stress inducer

I want to be sought after not run away from

I want to help the situations around me but cannot

I understood tonight why financial strain sits so heavily with me

I was brought up with a few simple words: “If only we had money”, “If I just had..”

I want to not say those words myself

I follow my heart in everything I do

But I am a Capricorn

So when my heart begins to lead my head weighs every avenue to justify my heart

My heart needs no justification

I learned years ago that justification kills

I learned only recently how to just follow my heart

I give everything that is in there, inside my heart

Everything that I am is in the open

Vulnerable to you

I follow my heart in everything I do

I look back on life, my life and see my heart lead

My head justifying, my dreams being pursued safely

It has done me nothing 

I have lived well but alone

I want to stop being alone

I want to feel stable

I want to be able to experience life in a different light

I want to do it with you

I want to reach my dreams but am not sure how to do both

One step at a time and breathe

I want the step to be safe

I let my heart guide

I breathe and trust

I want to get through this

I want to feel your breathe on my neck, and us wrapped in each other

I want to share in love and not concerns of when but now

I want to be there 

I want to understand everything unspoken

I want to know what is going on inside

I want to be able to read minds for then maybe my communication would be better

and half the things I face would be avoided

I want to fix what I have broken

I want to make my mother happy

I want to see smiles and love again

I want a lot of things and it makes me smile with an ironic grin

because in the end I want nothing but happiness for those I love

Done

Lost, confused, twisted, not understanding

Too much, too little

Communicating not being heard

Heard not being communicative

Asking questions 

No answers

Told answers

Wonder why not included

I am lost, I am confused, I have not learned

I have heard that I am too practical, too pragmatic,

too logical, too planned, too much

When I am quiet I am too soft, too not enough of everything

I have not yet found one person who says I am just right

I guess I just don't know how to communicate

I don't know

and right now in frustration of not understanding

I throw out a bunch of everything with no meaning at all

because I don't know what to do 

and I am tired of talking to anyone

Change?

I am how old?

I am doing what?

I want what?

My two life goals feel in conflict

They do not mesh and one comes before the other

I do not believe I need to give either up 

I just need to approach differently and give one a temporary break

I realize that in a break it is a modification of the dream

One that may not come to what I want but will do

Regardless I know that I am tired

Everything changes and it must be time

I know that right now I want us.

Christmas

I have had an idea for some time of what to do for you

I think you will appreciate and like it

I have held off for a while, tentative space between us

Tense moments

It will be a good amount of work  to do

Of course only appreciated if you still want me

I believe we are beyond that

and new things have come up making me feel discombobulated

but these things cannot be changed and I must trust

So must you, something you admit

In accepting this off I went to the store 

To get what I need for the gift

Simply doing something for you which you will appreciate

Makes me feel good

I see you smile and it warms my coldness

Dialogue

I wish people would be clear on what they say

Not hold back and really let me know

For I cannot mind read

I am only able to make my actions based on what I hear

I hate when things come back to tell me I was wrong

That had I not... why didn't you say so.

Maybe, it really is me who does not hear?

Discombobulated

Things are okay

But there is distance

Unwanted

It breaks communication

Makes it difficult

It is only three more months

Yet it will be the hardest

We came through something rather difficult

Just put our feet on the right path

And now we are parting again

After all this time it would be silly to stop

So close to the end

But also so difficult to just accept the words being said

Trust that bonds are the solid

I believe in us

I don't want anything else

But I wish this was a challenge not faced

It has left me feeling discombobulated and lost

I have an uncertainty sitting in me

I know all of my side 

But not all of yours

There feels something unspoken

Like I have missed something

If I am right unless I am told I cannot help

I have done all I can 

To lay out a plan for the next year

Loose goals allowing for me to be there

Things that will change as we go along 

But at least a plan that will get me there

It is a big risk for me

But you are worth it

I feel alone in my approach

But know nothing else that can be done

As time goes by I will trust to the universe and you

You have proven time and time again you are not my past

I have no reason to doubt you 

I guess I fear one thing as I write I feel it

You have said you close up

Please don't do that

We know that outcome 

And for three months I cannot come to you to stop it

I take a deep breath and I breathe

That is what was needed I cannot control

This rollercoaster is almost at an end

One more time around

Airport

I have flown across the borders to see you

I was nervous, even scared, that it would be a goodbye

I trusted and held to that but it did not fully remove the above

I came with my open heart to see you and only you

You were hurt, in pain, confused, lost

I wanted to be here to offer my shoulder my hug

Sometimes it is all it takes to help clear everything in your mind

I do not think that I have taken it all away

But my presence helped to rejuvenate

There is still time and space

Both will be needed but not wanted

Now I sit in an airport

Headed "home", then to the distant lost work

I leave with a happy soul and the love I have never lost still with me

I leave without joy for leaving but joy for seeing you

Two days was all it was

It was enough for the moment

We tried to extend, damn those costly plane people

I will be back

Very soon

We will break that moment that space with your visit to me

A mini vacation for you

An escape from the cold

A moment for us too...

Let your imagination run wild.

I love you and nothing will take that away

You said "we will be okay"

I trusted and went to a place never before known

You are right and we are good

We need the downs to have the great ups

It will not be long before we are in each other's arms for good.

Peace...?

I breathe it all in

I give freely

I wonder how I effect

I believe and trust

(have been doing that for a long time)

I breathe it all in

You have all that I am

You possess every truth I know

You have every key to every door

I am patient

Secrets, the past, the present

We all have things that haunt us

They are our secrets

They are our past

I believe that it is our past that makes us who we are today

We only have our present 

If the things that lay behind us stop us from being

Then the past is our thief

Taking from us the love we share

Truly though in the end

If it is a factor, the past, and it scares us

We cannot fully understand the present 

Until we address the past with full knowledge

And not an assumption of its outcome

Uprooted

I am standing in the city
My "home"
I look around me at all the familiar things
The places I used to haunt
The pathways I used to tread
I want them, I miss them
I feel lost
At one time I knew what was happening
I knew what tomorrow held
There are no guarantees
But at least a semblance of security in the knowledge of tomorrow's work
I chose to leave
I needed to leave
I wanted to leave
Having been away I feel I have gained much
Right now that gain is in flux
There are no guarantees
In flux
It feels like I have lost something here
A false sense of stability that I idolize right now
I do know what I want
I know what I would like to change
I know who I want
Where I want to live
Even what I want to do
These things are not here
I feel uprooted and I am
I want to put down some roots with you
Will you help me?

Home

My niece asked me where my home was
I have been working abroad for some time
I had no answer...
Well not exactly true
I have thought about it for some time
It has been a long time since I had a place called home

My place in the city got old after about two years
It had some rough memories associated to it
I wanted out, living with roommates was worn thin
It was a place to live

My room on the ship
Well I think that is self explanatory
It is a place to live

My mother's place
She lets me know I can always come home
Yet it is not the same as it was when I was a kid
I still have my room
The place is the same
But it is different
I don't know where everything is
It is my mom's home
It is a place to stay

There has been one place where I felt home
I was only there for a few weeks
I was welcomed with open arms
Space on a shelf had been cleared for me
The layout was something I imagined in my dreams
The style and feel warm and inviting
It was the way I imagined my home would look
It is your home and you wanted me there
That was enough
The only place that has felt like home in a very long time

Confusion

So much change
So many things
I feel back to square one
Not sure of my career or future
Feeling more stable with the love of my life
Desire to work on things and grow
From both ends
I like that feeling

In terms of me personally
I am an artist in the same spot I was when I graduated
How do I fulfill myself and put food on a table
I am leaning towards ideas of full time work
and part time artist
I want love, I want a life

I am tired of hurting for money and struggling
I am tired of it getting in my way and ...
It may be time.

Last Night

Here on the ship is not what I thought it would be
The excitement of going to you is missing
The excitement of starting a new life
The excitement of finding new things
The excitement of us
All that I knew is changed
I am unsure and scared
Love is expressed, desire to work
I expect fluctuation in that feeling
I trust to it overall
But wonder at what point will it feel like we are together
At what point will I be welcome
At what point...
I trust that we are and we will
I have given my everything without reserve
I put faith in "god" I know I am guided
All is changed and I am scared of losing you
For you are my light, my breath of fresh air
On this last night, I question, and hurt

Rollercoasters

Are fun to ride when they are in an amusement park and you have great person yelling along for the ride
Are great to ride when they involve a fun bouncy relationship
Suck ass when they involve distance,
trials,
tribulations,
strained communication,
fear,
worry,
loss,
pain.

We knew that we had a rollercoaster ride from the very first day.
We did not expect this.
Will you continue to ride and hang on till we hit the fun hills again?
I believe that we are already doing that.
Just a few more bends and then the little drop
We will get there.

I love you

Three simple words
I have never been happier to hear
I am such a fortunate and lucky soul
For those three little words

Why me?

I wrote a long time ago when will I find my kermit?
A bit of an inside line right now but it applies.
I found him it is the person whom right now I am fighting for
Which leads me to the question why do I always lose what feels so right?
Now that question too has been asked in the past and in the moment
and in hindsight I have been able to identify and point to the not so right
and accept the loss as painful as it is.
Today I sit and assess for myself
I put a lot out there all the time
I give with all that I am and I never hold back
So I felt it fair for moment to check in to reverse the scales and see
As it stands I still cannot identify any reason to let go.
This person has always held true and demonstrated love
This person has always been there for me
and even in this trying moment is presenting the glimmer of hope
that she will continue to grow with me
It is a scary prospect this possible loss
but that glimmer and these subtle little steps are what I am willing to work with
I believe in her and I believe she the same of me.
I hope and I do pray that I am right.
As with my Kermit question the other one is "When do I find someone to prove me wrong?"
I have taken a big breath and I think I have found her
I wait paitiently for feedback as that is all I can do.
Right now I continue to give and work with the little glimmer.
I know it hurts, I have been there, know you don't have to go alone, and the pain will subside as we grow.

Fighting for love

That is what I am doing right now.
Fighting to hold onto something I have had for a long time
All relationships reach points of trial
And after 9 months mine is in trial
Love has been expressed and I don't believe it is gone
It is thin ice though
Careful treading need be used
For me there is no question my love is still solid
But I have to fight for what is returned
Love when it is true is universal it overcomes all
My hurts have lead to my philosophy
You only win at love once and you can only know that on a death bed when they are still with you
I believe she is this person
Time will tell me soon

Broken

The love of my life has found out some negative news
It is associated to me
Its current result is her pulling away
I am lost
I am broken
I don't know how to handle this
I want to be with her to deal with this
She is making small offers that bring me in
But the standing place right now is me on the outside
I believe in love and feel it can conquer all
My belief was shattered once before
It took a long long time to pick up the pieces
I don't believe I can do it again.
I pray that I am right about this love
I know from my side I am.
I miss her, I love her.

Confused

I want to believe that nothing is wrong
Since I vented it all feels good
I figure I over react a bit, deal with little triggers and suck it up
I have been sucking it up for a while now
Today felt good
I knew what was going on
I thought I would have some clarity
I am used to being sought out
Responded to
Checked on
But none of that is ringing true right now
All of a sudden I feel excluded, left behind
I get confused because my mind says one thing
My heart is saying another
I don't know who to listen to

Emotional Fool

So I said my peace and I feel better for it
Having put it out there releases it from me
I have always felt we can talk, we communicate
One of many things that make you special
I felt it was fair to voice my concern my fear
but now that it is out there I feel foolish
Should I have, was I wise

I guess it is important to share these feeling "for better or worse"
I just get scared that sharing the difficult stuff will scare you away
At the same time keeping it bottled means that it cannot change
Especially if you don't recognize it.

So it is out there
Now you know
I don't fret as much cause it is there
but I feel the emotional fool

Miami Two

Are we there?
Half way beyond the half way.
Looking to find our footing
Looking to fulfill those words
Looking to make action of our conversations
Are we there?

I don't know
I am worried
I feel things have changed
I feel I am the last to know

The past haunts me right now'
Actions that trigger old wounds
Not sure how to deal with them
Have breathed as much as I can
Have called you on it
What I have left is sitting silently
Trying to understand a gap I have no concept of
Not knowing why it exists or what I did to get it
There I go, blaming me
But what if just once I did everything right?
Just once.
Gave my all and opened up the right way?
I did all that
I did not rush
I was cautious
I threw caution to the wind when it was time
We worked seperately
We worked together
We are here
And here feels distant
Why?

I recall

All the things that I have done in the last while.
I go through all the changes that I have made.
I take stock of all I wanted to do and have done.
I see how it applies to you and wonder if I have grown.
Did I do it different, did I actually change?
Or have I reached the point where you tell me I am just the same?
In your own way of course
Ironically the signs that let me know that have always been the same
Not once have they been different.
At the end of the actions is the same conversation.
At least I have learned not to wait for it.
I call it out and work to change it
I fight to see if one wants to be fought for
In the end it has been the same
I at least leave with a sense of pride for having tried
For having lived up to all my words and actions by attempting to solve
I hope that I gain understanding that you explain and tell me what it is though
That is another commonality
No explanaiton
In the end do you really need one?
The point is it is the end.
In the future what I did in the past has no real bearing
For in the future my actions need to be assessed by another
That other must judge me as you have from their point of view
And let me know their judgement
Maybe theirs will be different
In the end
I will never know for I will not allow another to have that position in my life again
You are the last to be given that chance.

Intuition

I have not felt this way in a while
It scares me
I cannot believe in my soul that it is the same
As the numerous times past
But history tends to repeat itself
So I am at odds with myself
My intuition tells me one thing
My heart tells me another
My mind tells me yet another
It goes from a bump in the road
To the end of the road
I am worried
I am not liking this feeling
I don't want to be right
But hard to accept that as I have never been wrong on this feeling
Hopefully this time I am
This time could it be different?
If so it only adds to everything else I have said
In the positive.
To date the positive has been confirmed time and time again
My heart is banking on it
I want to prove myself wrong.

What the...?

What am I doing?
I am an age where the world expects me to be stable and consistent
I am none of that
When I finish here in 14 days I have a small amount of money in the bank and nothing else
No job, no career, no future.

That which has felt stable for so long does not feel so right now
There are a lot of stresses going on that have slowed things down
Communication has become sparse and I am not sure of it any more
I wonder if I will be flying after my return home
If I will be welcoming into my traditions or keeping them to myself
I wonder what is going on, but cannot and don't want to add to the stress
by talking about it

Time they say heals all wounds
I have experienced this before
I hope that this wound is just a bump in the long journey
I know that bumps happen but with this being the first one
It feels new and so unusal that it feels like it could be too much
I don't know the other side
I only know my side and I am worried I am not enough
That for all I give it still does not matter
History has a tendency to repeat itself
Historically speaking I will wake up alone

I work to let it go and come back to the simple question
What am I doing with my life?
In the event of all outcomes I have nothing tangible right now
No boat, no motor car not a single luxury (Gilligan's Island)
and no matter where I am I need to build from the ground up
I have done so before
I hope that I do it this time with someone

I am tired of building alone
Apparently my building skills suck because
I keep having to rebuild
So maybe if someone builds with me then it will
be a strong building
I can hope can't I?

I laugh at myself sometimes.
Because I put so much effort into everything I do
Today like many other days
It feels like everything I do results in nothing
I know this is not true but the space between successes
Is so far apart who can tell sometimes
So I rebuild.
I laugh at myself sometimes
Because the effort seems pointless but I carry on

Is that not the definition of masochism or insanity?

This time round I put everything on the line
Quoting a friend
"You inspire because you are doing what we do on stage in your actual life, you are living in the fear"
It felt good to hear the admiration at the time
But now I question how stupid am I?

No safety nets for my heart, no safety nets for my career, no safety nets for my life
Just straight up balls to the wall
Going to go for it, going to change things up and get myself in a better place
My heart soars, my career has a possibility, my bank account is not negative
None of that seems to matter when I don't know what is going on
Or where I am going
Or whether my should continue to feel this way

I have questions but know that today is a day about trust
Just trust that it will balance and it will
I am and always have been a romantic at heart
A dreamer
A person who believes that the fantasy can come true
I continue on this path
I hope I am not wrong
That my free spirit will guide m and that in a 14 days I will look back on this
and laugh at myself
for feeling my insecure self surface.

I guess we will see
I hope I am wrong
History cannot always repeat can it?

Weight

It is the stuff that people worry about
Am I too heavy to thin
I worry about it too
It is my health

But in reality that has nothing to do with my thought
I am thinking about and feeling the weight of emotion
The heaviness of the emotion on my shoulders
The strength it takes to carry it
I do so with joy for it is a good feeling
Tonight though and occassionally, you need to feel the opposite
You need to understand both sides
So tonight it feels a struggle

Not because I do not want this
But because I care so much
But because there is so much at stake
But because I am afraid to lose it
But because I am nervous to drop it
But because I am anxious of damaging it

Never before have I cared so much
That I carry the emotion like a young child
Carrying a precious piece of china mother said not to drop
There is so much value in that china, in the emotion I carry
To drop it carelessly to drop it accidently ...
It can never be replaced

I have the nerves that I will not be enough as time goes by
I have the nerves that I am not enough right now in my absence
I have the nerves that the fantasy will slip away
and it will be no different than the rest

But I have the courage to carry it
I have the strength to hold it up high
I have the stamina to cross any distance with it
For the value in this is value beyond any tangible thing
Beyond any intangible thing
And I will not set it down for all my nerves
Because she is worth every once that it weighs

30 Days

One month
That is all it is
Then no more of this distance
To be near each other is both wonderful and nervous filled
It will be okay

Decisions have been made
Exciting ones done together
and in 30 days I will leave the tin can my prison
and then we will hold and touch and communicate in person.

I cannot explain my joy it is exceptional.

Poor/Good Decisions

I am torn
my decision to be here was it good or bad
I know on one front that it was good
It will help to the future contribution of my choices
My move my love
On the other hand it feels like the worst choice in history
Tearing me literally from the arms of love
Causing stress
Not being present for important things
and distance just being difficult

I hope it adds to us in the forever not detract from us.

Phones and email

So as much as I love these things
Because they allow me to communicate
When the technology does not work it drives me nuts
I am tired of the distance, sick of the job and I just want to
Share when I want to

I don't think it is too selfish a request
Maybe this time all my choices will progress me enough
That I won't feel I stepped backwards

My Tin Can and Little Things

I have a tin can which floats in the middle of the ocean
It holds thousands of people
But it is lonely
I have these little thoughts each day
Fleeting things like how I hold my fork and why
I want to discuss these trivial and stupid things
They are meaningless but knowing I can discuss with you
Is what makes you special
Is what makes us feel present, together, close

This thought teaches me how important moments are
The simple things shared that make a lifetime of memories
Remember the time when sat in a coffee shop and talked about single blade fans
Lifetime memories

My tin can is like a bubble
The sea around it is so vast I cannot comprehend land
My mind is on land
No my heart is on land
Thus I am missing a part of me
I want it back so I can share it
Right now you just get to hold it
Sharing is more fun

Besides when I have it it does not feel like I am missing a part of me
You know this feeling
That emptiness that says something feels not right
It is not wrong with us as one
But in the self a limb/organ is missing
It does not feel right

Soon I will leave my tin can
To reclaim my missing pieces
And put our puzzle together
I look forward to that day
For then we can also get off the roller coaster
and walk around the amusement park
Enjoying each others company.

Distance 2

In addition to the many things that suck about distance
The missing, the longing, the lack of touch, the lack of sex,
the lack of seeing you, the lack of real immediated communication,
the lack of just about everything that is great,
I came across one that is big.
The inability to be apart while spending time together in silence
The unspoken good communication while you exist simultaneously
and enjoy each other but have the freedom to do and be alone
It is comforting that feeling
It is also usually followed by a strong pulling together and closeness
Usually really good sex ( a nice bonus to just being )
Damn this distance. But only for another 56 days before a good time together

I miss you, I will see you soon.

Deodorant and Frogger

So I have a deodorant I don't like
It came in a travel kit that was a gift
Nice gift
Not so nice deodorant
It does not compliment my natural smell
And smell is important
Of course it is not bad
But nor is it good
So I don't feel I can be wasteful and trash it
Oh the deodorant I will never by

So I am standing in the middle of the street
Wearing my not so good smelling deodorant
Waiting to cross and I see three cars coming
All spaced in a way that makes me think of Frogger
Does anyone remember Frogger?
Cross the road litlle frog I thought
But then I waited
I wonder why?
Four lanes of traffic
Maybe.

Assessment

Five months
That is the length of time left on the tin can.

Nine months ago that is when I started
I had a goal
An idea
A mindset
All in place to help me gain perspective and change my life

I would break free from my patterns
I would gain understanding of my self
I would know if my career was the right choice
I would understand my love
I would make sense of my past
I would ground myself in my present
I would see my future
I would know my path

I did all of this and more
What is more?
You
Unexpected, welcome, loved
You have added to all of the above
Enhanced what it is
Combined the past dreams with the current paths
Made full bodied my ideas
Brought things full circle in life

Now it is five months till the tin can and I part ways
I have two goals while here
Make money and do the outlines
All my goals are post floating can
All my goals involve you and us in space together
They are my future

But in the future my mind and heart lay
They are not here for the present
Something I must find
I need to live today
But I find it difficult

When I set sail
It was with the plan
To gain understanding
To remain grounded
To solidify all things found outside the box
It would be wonderful and easy
In my spare time outlines would grow
In my daily life money made
Some challenge in distance but acceptable

It is nothing like that
I am making my money
I have found the time and begin outlining on a set date
For the rest I feel guilt
(Maybe too strong a word, but it has to do)
Responsible, that is a better choice
Responsible for the distance, which is much harder than I could have imagined
Responsible for not being present for the big things
(there has been so much, houses, hospitals, kennels, courts)
Responsible for the little things
(there has been so much, football, long days at work, stormy nights, drunk moments…)

You will not lose me
I will not lose you
But in distance you feel a bit like Polka Roo
Existent but when will I be in the same room at the same time as you?
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, to this I can attest
I want it to grow though and it feels like it cannot from here
There is a bit of a pause, an on hold, while I float
Walls are more complicated to climb
Sometimes, emails and phone are not the means to discuss what is on our minds
I want to be present but I cannot

Did I make the right choice?
Did I find the correct point of grounding?
I could not see any other solution
It seemed to make so much sense
But now it is something that feels wrong
My mind seeks for ways out, but it seems a long shot

It is five months
In the scope of life not that far or long
Will you wait for me?
Will you deal with this with me?
I know the answer is yes
But I don’t have to be excited about the wait till we get there

Miami

I have a conference
Will you meet me there?
I am not sure if it is a good idea?
You are under so much stress, so many things happening
I am thinking of you
You agree
I feel good to deal with costs (it is a nice change for me, exciting)
We are set

Are you sure I should come? You say
Your schedule is so heavy.
You are thinking of me
It feels nice to know you think that way

I believe you should come
If even just for the point of an escape and ten minutes with me
I pick you up at the airport
We have a great room
The night is wonderful
And off work I go
I get out of the evening
We have the pool and a swim
We order in and get some wine
The shower is cut short and worth it
We talk take photos and watch some film
We crawl into bed and fatigue is my enemy

We will survive
The morning is ours
Fatigue is your enemy
Did you enjoy your time?
Are you glad you came?
I think you did
At least you had one full day, without a stress or care in the world

We still love
But we must part once again
Your pillow is wet
Our hearts are heavy
I can feel the walls of protection between us
I don’t like them but I understand them
One more time that we will part like this
Then we will travel home together

No more walls
Learning new communication
Learning to live with each other
Me finding my footing
So that I don’t have to leave again
The future we know what we want
It is ours to grasp and I am half way there

Words

Words September 17 2008 2:00 pm

I miss you, I love you, I want you, I need you
Words that no longer have any meaning to me
They are important words but they no longer express how I feel
The words themselves have impacting meaning
But it is not enough
These words fall short of my true emotions
They are not enough to express how I feel inside
I say them but they are only a drop in the universe of my emotional pool
I have tried, I have thought, I have meditated for the expression that encompasses my feelings
I have not found it.
These words I will continue to use because they are all I have
But they fall so short
There are not enough words in the human language to touch on the depth of my feeling
There are not enough expressions in the universe to explain what I feel
Do you understand what you mean to me?
To take away my voice my action and leave me with nothing to express?
You are everything.

Toothache

I am in the airport in Cozumel Mexico
Waiting for my flight with two hours to kill
I forgot to ask the cabbie for a receipt so that is some money I won’t get back
With my little bit of upset I remember
“It is a foreign country, you are not fully thinking you are observing. You are taking in a lot of information.”
Right a bit of overload so things slip out.
My watchful self, my natural defense and fear on guard, so that I don’t get taken for a ride.
Thus I forgot.
This moment of reflection reminds me of my tooth.
Two weeks ago I was here, with the ship and I had to go to the dentist.
I was told when hired that I would be taken care of for all medical items
That was not true.

“Yes you need a filling. Get of in Mexico, we will approve it, grab a taxi and go to a dentist, well go to this dentist who we will call for you in advance. Everything at your expense”

The day of the doctor had not confirmed the appointment, no one knew if I would be seen, not sure how long it would take so I could miss the ship, no on to transport me, no address for the office, no money for taxi compensation.

I was scared, nervous and upset.
Where am I going, who knows this dentist, how far away, what if something is wrong with the tooth and they have to do emergency root canal, who do I call?
Off the ship I get into a taxi, with all my nightmare’s running through my mind.

Obviously, not an issue I am typing right now
But still, for a big company to treat me without thought, without living up to their hiring word, is tragic and sad.

New Doors

So I have been nervous a bit.
Transition to the States
A new life
A wonderful and forever romance that makes me smile
But what do I do, how do I survive if my career does not "pop"
Today some doors opened to say pursue my coach my teacher
So I started and it feels good.
I know the acting will rise soon enough
But the space between will take me in as a coach
When I needed to leave it all started with an internet search and an email
So I begin again
Being a Capricorn and preparing so I land on my feet.

Vision

In my mind’s eye I see you sitting there
It is dusk and a small amount of light filters through the windows
At your feet are the dogs, lazing around, wishing for scraps\
You are at the kitchen table
Looking out the back door at nothing
One leg is tucked under the other drawn up to your chest
Loosely held in your hand is a piece of toast
(an inappropriate but suitable dinner)
Your head is tilted to the right and you are thinking
Thinking of me and the distance
Thinking of the recent stresses
Thinking of new homes and old homes
Thinking of love and its fruition (in time)

I am sitting at a table
In this crowded place I am one of three right now
I eat carefully, enjoying my moments reprieve
Relishing the break
When your vision hits me

I feel your sorrow, your longing, your loss, your want
They are the same things I feel
And only can we say soon

Cozumel

So I have arrived in Cozumel.
I am on a new ship, The Enchantment of the Seas
It runs to Grand Cayman, Cozumel, Key West, Belize
Good run but we have bounced about a bit not hitting our destinations due to hurricanes.
Cozumel today, my 4th cruise. The rain was crazy insane just as I arrived at the bar,
I did not get wet.

I do not like the feel of the place.
One long tourist spot, difficult to get behind it all to see the real city
Of course I found the side street and began my journey.
I found a little whole in the wall that was like a hot dog stand kinda place
They served fresh squeezed juices and a variety of sandwiches.
Five dollars US for lunch it was nice.
The buildings are pretty but in the end it all feels like a slum.
I will enjoy coming to this bar No Name Bar, a wonderful crew hangout.

Jogging on the Beach 4

I step outside and the sun is shining
My earphones are in and I plan to run.
I step down the gangway and see some old friends
A small detour in the plans are worth it
We sit and chat to catch up
Not much time passes, half an hour at most
It is time to part ways.

I slip on the headphones
It is really hot
I have missed this moment at my old port
the first one I came to
The moment just before I start and make my way along the beach
I slip off my shirt and the cold breeze hits me
The sun has disappeared and dark clouds have taken its place
The rains are coming

I always wanted rain while I jogged
Today it will come to be
Set the watch and off i go.
I am ten paces in
The temperature drops and the first touch of rain hits my back
I move at the same pace
There is no hurry
as the rush takes over my body

I come up to the first bend
My old path
and the rains reach a heavy pelting
I move along the street to the beach
as the rain builds
I come around the second bend
and the rain hits me harder
I step off the road onto the beach path

I keep moving
The rain has reached a peak
The wind driving it almost horizontal
It is warm water dousing my body
Running in the open shower of nature
I have chosen the short path as it is so long since my last run
I move along the beach line in the small hurricane
Feeling my body respond
I work but I love it
I hit the steep hill
With my back to the ocean I climb
Mud flying everywhere on the path
Along the of fort battery and I am brought to a stop
I must slow
Although I do not want to I am given the beauty of my sanctuary in rain
Something I have never seen.
I take it in as I walk along the top of the hill and make my way back