A year in Review

Well 35/2009 not so hot

Spent the first part of the year on a ship
Working to get to the love of my life
and develop a level of stability so I was not a reminder of her past

Spent the mid part of the year living with the love of my life
Watching as she slowly retreated and blaming it on the wrong things that I could do nothing about

Spent the middle of the year
Discovering the real reasons love of life was pulling away

Spent the later part of the year
Working to solve the differences between us
Worked really hard on it, because I wanted to
and because she said she did also

Spent the last few weeks accepting she lied
and the last year of my life was well
bulls*&t.

So much for the love of my life and true love
Lied to again

Maybe next year will be better
Really nothing worse can happen than finishing the year
with an ex-fiancee.

A Mess

So my heart and mind don't correspond
I understand intellectually everything
Emotionally I still hope for a response

I move forward intellectually
Action to show I am doing
But my heart still stays behind

I am clear that I have no bearing
So I wonder why I wish I did

The strongest action is to let go everywhere
Yet these seems like an impossible step
I intellectually know this is better for me
Emotionally I am afraid to let go

Christmas

Going through my traditions
Alone
Feeling very acutely your absence
But learning to do it all alone
Again
For your words were none you lived by

For Me!

These blogs are mine
I may have one or two out there who read them
Not sure but these really are for me.

In that vein I continue to write these sappy things
Knowing that they offer me what they do
It is a good thing

My mind seems stuck
On the past
Not quite true
There is a small piece
Still stuck there
A smidgen in my mind that does not want to let go

I do not understand why
Yes it was good
But things can be better
So why hold onto days gone by?

I am not sure
I am glad it is only a smidgen
For originally it was all
With that said
For my Christmas wish
I ask that I give myself
Freedom to let everything truly go

Another Dream

I would laugh to discover one day that you read these still
That would be hilarious
That the joining of us comes from these cryptic thoughts in my head
I know it not to be true but it made me laugh
Just like the dream

I awake and walk across my room
It is the dead of night 3:15 and my computer is on
I stumble to it as I feel a great calling for me/help
I look on the computer knowing there will be nothing

In my inbox, to my surprise is a number of mails
I scan them for your name
As I figured you are not there
But wait another mail with a name close to yours
And yours buried beneath

I open it
It is a photo collage of me
Moments in time where you took pictures without my knowing
All strung together in a digital slideshow
Something to say you have been thinking of me but did not know how to say it
Now showing you care, how much I am a part of you
You finish the mail with a simple note

So you know I still care
For your pleasure to see
In the meantime just...
phone
or email.

True to form and all that you are
I smile and cry
for I do not have your phone number
You have taken communication away from us
and like all other times
this is just part of your game
to hurt me

Love Actually

Just finished watching this movie once again
What a great film
It makes me think of all aspects of love
How I will find them all again
Leave you behind who do not work to be with me

Love is all around us
We just need to see it and actualize who we want it with

Confirmations and signs

Each and every day I have seen signs that say "yes" to my question of us
I wondered if I was seeking them just to set my mind at ease and so I was/am
I know somewhere inside that the truth is we are done
But still hard to accept that
No communication to express it and just stepping forward on assumption
Scary

But today I spoke to a good friend
An intuitive and spiritual friend
I looked to her for some soul advice
Without hesitation she agreed

Letting you go is loving,
An expression of who I am, of who I offered and what I am truly about
Letting you be to do your thing without animosity characterizes all that I am
It is also the truth of love
Fear is holding on, love is letting go

I know it inside and have been taking steps forward
Bigger today than yesterday and days previous
but still small by so many standards
It will take time

No one will ever be you
But one day someone will be the one
You will always be given a special place
With openness to hear you forever

Holidays and growth

Each day I am going through my personal Christmas traditions
Each day you pop into my head and I think I wish I was sharing with you
But I know that it is not to be
I find that it takes time to get through all of this hurt
Unintentional but it comes through nonetheless

I hoped and hoped that you were the final one I would have to seek with
That this Christmas was going to be the first one where I started sharing
Sharing with the one whom would be with me forever
Knowing on the inside that this is not to be makes Christmas more difficult to approach
But it is what it is

All things come and go, even love
Love leaving is indication it is not a pure love, but possibly only a great love

Not You

Lying here
She is not you.

That is that simple
I am still effected that much
I am not sure how to move forward
I have taken affirmative self action
Dug into my soul
As each day goes by I realize
How much I desire life with you

I have worked to solve the problem
I have done all I can
I don not understand why I am so effected
I do know that moving forward is all that is left
For I am not stupid and finally choose to see what is obvious
It does not mean the mind and heart are one

Sad

Went out tonight
Someone asked me out
Sure, I said
Spent the whole time just enjoying conversation
But in the back of my mind I wished it was you
Very sad
Obviously not ready yet
You affected me that much
Super very sad.

Aftermath

So much time has gone by
You said so many things
Followed through on nothing
Allowed yourself to become common
and abandoned me

I only asked for the respect of a parting goodbye
and gave you everything in order to get there
Sad

Tired

of doing it alone
with no follow through from you
takes me way to long to accept
because I am a fighter
but I cannot fight anymore
I send infinite love and gratitude
for the time spent
thank you

Not

getting what I want from anywhere
I create my own life
so it comes time to start cutting what is not helping

Blogging

I started this to let off some of the wierd thoughts in my head
It felt good just to put them out there and have potential for someone to maybe gain some perspective

For the past bit they changed quite a bit
I have had such a wonderful, sad, joyful, hurtful experience with you

Nonetheless,
it would be nice to know if it was read by anyone
A comment of some form
anything

but then again who really wants to read sappy shit
at least I get it out of my head
but it is losing its intrigue

I would rather just be able to talk to the right person

Progress?

So I have an understanding with my self
It is an understanding that I know what I want
It is an understanding of a time line and how to achieve
My wants are still out there by many standards

The first is my acting
I recognize what it means to equal success here
I recognize what I need to do
I recognize the challenge
I recognize my limitors and not sure how to overcome them
They are not in my direct power
But I am taking steps and going to figure it out
I have four years


The first is you
Sort of
With so much distance emotionally
I don't really know you anymore
Not sure if you are willing to let me in
You seem to be starting in fits and spurts
And honestly that is not what I want
I want your trust and I want the giving you back
I have a little bit of patience left
Given all we went through, thereby not expecting everything immediately

Most of all though is wanting a life with you
Even when acting done or going forever, I want to share it with you
The two things can happen together, me and you

The two wants are now equally precarious
Because although there is progress and you seem to be sharing now
Well there is no idea or suggestion of you tomorrow
Just like acting
I book a big gig today
I may never book one again.

I guess I am realizing that there is progress on both fronts
But neither offers any certainty
I want certainty from you, or at least the knowledge of what you are consciously working towards
When we first met, there was no gaurantee, but at least then I knew you were falling in love and wanted to be loved back
With a hope in your heart that we would have each other forever

Now you could be plotting my death, your walls are that thick
Knock, Knock

Expressing

I want to write something
but I don't know what to write
communication is happening it seems
I am elated, joyful and happy
I would love to talk to discover to hear to listen

I am equally trepidatious
will action follow words
is this just communication with no outcome
will I be left hanging
this is fear of hurt and pain

I have felt both
I prefer the first
I guess I have written

Dreams

Hi
In my dreams again last night
Do me a favor
Be clear about what you are telling me
or at least get naked

Favorite Place

In the whole world
Is standing in the shower
Underneath that warm running water
So revitalizing and soothing and relaxing
Heaven is a shower that lasts for infinity

Missing

You.

Yes you.

You know who you are.

You are missed.

Each day I think of at least one thing I want to share
but there is so much more.

Each day I think of how I would like to be doing something with you
but there is so much more

Right now I just want to hold you and talk
feel your heart and your breath
touch your skin and hear your voice

I want to watch us grow old

Am I silly, stupid, ridiculous for thinking this?
I don't know
but it is how I feel

The Coffee Pub

I want to open a coffee pub
a small place that serves really good coffee
and nice pastries to go with it

Along with it will be a small selection of micro brew specialty beers
finger foods apps, like bruschetta to go with it

each table area will be reminiscent of chairs around a fireplace
the music will always be like Otis Redding or Al Green
and it will never be loud enough that people have to shout to be heard

night or day you can get your fix and a bite to eat
this is my dream

Trying

I give all I have
Right from the beginning
Without fail
Was shut down twice
Still gave all I had
Found even more to give
When do I stop trying
When do I stop giving
The second I realize that I get nothing back
and what I offer is no longer on equal terms

That return
That equality
Is what makes someone special
And until you I believed it could not be found
Day by day my belief slips away

I am good alone
But lets be honest
My life without you
Is meaningless and chaotic
Everything else I say to myself is a lie
Just to cope with constant sadness

Whatever works
Numb pain

What now?

I am a little annoyed with myself
Because I am not ready to move on
Each time I talk to another one I am wishing for you
Each day another something reminds me of all that I did with you
All that I want to do with you
I love you/loved you/ something anything

The point is that you have not demonstrated even any care for me since you said we should talk
And well that should be enough for me to say goodbye
Yet somehow we are still connected
I want to see this go all the way,
Where ever that is.

See I know I meant the words I said
I wanted exactly what I asked you for
I just had to go through some of the tuff stuff to get to it fully
I thought as I did you would be there with me, that was what we said
I learned from you and worked to solve the things that bothered you
In turn bothering me
But by the time you shared and expressed fully you were already writing me off

So now all this time is passed
I stand here with egg on my face
Not wanting to move forward because I still care and want to nourish the care
While you still don't even know what you want
These two facts bother me,
They don't coincide with anything meaningful

Conversation
That is a good start
I offered you patience originally
When you held your secret from me
The one that helped to crush us
Told you no matter what I would be here for you
And I still am
Even when I am hurting I keep making offers and apologies to you
So I accept your conversation and realize
It is all about patience

In the end if our connection means nothing
Then nothing will have changed from this moment
In the end if our connection means something
Then you will see me for all that I am
Nuff said
You don't see me for all that I am or else
I would not be wondering what happened since you said lets solve this and work on it

Annoyed

It was not the email I wanted to send
It was not the phone call I want to have
I get annoyed when circumstances outside of me
help to dictate my action

All I want is to talk, communicate, enjoy
I have no idea what you want, I just don't know
I don't want these outside circumstances to influence
what has recently happened between us

I feel sick
I feel shut down
All I can think of is it impact on you
But I don't think you care

October 3, 2009

The time is now 6:07pm.

At 2:00pm today I was to be married to the most wonderful girl in the world.
I still feel that way, but she is lost and hurting and does not know what she wants.
I am still hear for her, if she wants, but she has to act on that, I will never force.

It stings but it is life.
I am not married, nor fully happy, but I move forward for that is what I have left

I celebrated
I bought a meditation cushion
To help me get closer to my spiritual side

Talking

Is it possible to just talk?
Or does the past cover leave to many unanswered questions
to allow us to talk freely?

I think we can talk freely
It is possible
I think that basic questions about the past need to be laid to rest before we begin

the potential of the future is amazing
if we have just a glimmer of an idea of where it is going
it does not matter its outcome
but the idea to at least be at the same start line for this race
i think is a smart one.

Journey

as my journey continues
I get further and further away from my life goals
not in the way you would think
I am not losing track of what I needed
rather I am gaining insight into what I want

life goals, of monetary stability and success
still have value
but they no longer dominate my mind
I see clearer that my soul wants satisfaction
that it wants to sing a life well lived

I can do that alone and will if necessary
but as I sit here tonight
doing something so simple as watching a moving film
my soul cries out for the special someone to share it with

I believe I know who she is
the journey to her is worth it
if that path is already lost
then the lessons learned that help me to my clarity
are invaluable as they are and alone I shall tread my path

One Million Ways

that I have thought about hearing your voice
that I have thought about seeing you
that I have thought about touching you
that I have thought about leaving you
that I have thought about erasing you
that I have thought...

any interaction or lack thereof has been thought about
infinite times

I never thought I would hear your voice
or experience a kind word from you again

yet for all of that I hold no animosity
and I am open to you
I realize that ... well I just realize that you are special.

it seems almost unbelievable
that we will talk soon
the moment is upon us

in this moment I realize
in all the ways and scenarios I have thought of
none of them could be this or anything
for the only thing it could be is the reality it will be
when we actually communicate

i have no idea what it is to be
i have no expectation
i have no need of the past
i don't know the future
i only care about the moment

because living, real, moments with you is all i want
for you are special

Anxiouss

Today I am feeling anxious.
I am very full of abundance
Money has been rolling in
Friends abound
Good home
Today as I look forward
the money is not as evident
the work seems not on the horizon
There are always ups and downs
Today is a day where the nerves kick in
It is an opportunity to truly face my new mindset and get past this
I take a deep breath and will require some meditating

Growth

Exponential growth
I found a book which connected my dots
Showed me the path that I want to be on
Adds to my gained knowledge and hurts from the recent trauma
Made crystal that which was already clear
Showed me its outcome is not what is valuable
For the tangible action is simply an expression of where I need to be
I enjoy this opportunity
It brings me closer to you
It gives me understanding
It allows me offerings
If you accept them
The world will be as it is
I will share it with you
If you let the offers go
The world will be as it is
I will share it without you

When Harry Met Sally

I watched this wonderful movie for the millionth time tonight
I truly do love it
But a thought came to me tonight
Harry really is quite pessimistic
But his ideas of heterosexual relationships is pretty bang on
Kinda scary
If he is right then well what does that say about us?
Given everything I learned from my past relationship
All the work I put in to understand her side
I again realize further how my actions can hurt
and it inspires me to continue changing and holding to these new ideals
so as to truly learn from my actions and better myself
Its result when I share again it will be wonderful and more yet than the last
maybe the last will simply benefit from it as we grow

Hello again

Dear Blog,

I am sorry to have neglected you and those who may read you
It has been an interesting period of time
Not sure of how to put myself out there what to say
So much has changed
I wonder sometimes if anyone reads this
Or if it is just for me
For those who have been invited to see this blog
For those who may have discovered it
Feel free to comment here or at my personal email
I put this all out there for ... it is what it is

Clarity

Three months have gone by since you walked away from me
Told me that you wanted to solve and like the other one
Lied, did nothing to communicate, disappeared on me

I hold no judgement on that and I am not angry
I have nothing but love for you and will until I die
Before you disappeared you asked of me something
hoped for me/us

I hope your return home gives you clarity

It has
Not only in the return home
Not only in your absence when I thought we had a future
But in the time where I worked and communicated
In the time where I put in my all to help solve us

I gained clarity of what I want
How I want it
What the long term is
What I am willing to take
What I am willing to do
Greater focus of my spirituality
Greater everything

These are conversations I want with you
You have disappeared and are no where to be found
I hope you are well

Bohemeth

220 Feet in the air
Dropping at 125km/h
One of the biggest coasters in the world
It was fun
Wild Beast
Classic wood and shaky
Still more fun to me.

Afraid

I had a dream last night
First one I remembered in months, well since you
The dream scared me really scared me
I realize I had everything
I had a beautiful woman
In soul and body
Someone who I loved
Someone who for a period of time loved me
I gave you everything
Did everything with the intention of love and nothing more
I was not enough for you as a person
I was not enough for you as a monetary life
I was not enough for you in love
I was not enough for you

The dream scared me and I realized
I no longer want to be an artist
I want to be in the corporate world
I want and have wanted for so long
My life with you
Where did you go?
Why did you not want to work beyond the hurt?
Why did you not want to love?

I wish you would talk to me

Lessons

I am sad at times
For I have lost someone amazing
I wanted my life with you
But in all this I have learned

I learned how to love
that is a wonderful gift
Giving fully without reservation
Knowing all my actions and offers were done with you in mind
I am happy for that

I have also learned
You lied
You said you trusted when you did not
You said you wanted to work and solve when you did not
You said you loved when you did not

I cannot convince you to love
Nor force you to see anything different than you do
Until you are to choose to see beyond those three things
I will always be a bad guy for and to you
There is no hope if you want me to be the enemy
So I have learned to accept

What remains is me
and the focus must leave us and you
and become me
for all that is left is me being happy

I wish my happy was with you
I took those dreams away when I tried to protect (a lie to you)
I took those dreams away when I offered what I didn't know
I took those dreams away through ignorance which you pulled me from

I worked to solve all of that, I held to my love
I am happy for that and joyful
You took away our dreams when you lied
and never worked to solve

I have also learned no matter how painful
The truth is better, it is less painful than the lie in the end

A Psychic Memory

I saw a "psychic" not too long before I left for the cruise
I never told you this but this is what she said

You will travel by water (I did not know about the cruise at this time)
You will make/earn lots of money (I was broke)
You will meet the woman of your dreams/marry her (I was single, without hope)

The universe hands me many things
This is how I, in addition to all the reality of us, know that we are meant for each other
You said I was the one, I said the same, reality says other wise
Two of three, pretty impressive, three if you count the proposal
I am left to wonder...

What does the universe bring, how does it all wrap together
Hopeless Romantic has ideas
Realist has ideas also

Live by the realist let the romantic surprise me

Happiness

I realize that I simply want to be happy
Nothing more than that
Two days ago my future wife walked away from me
Told me she could not overcome our obstacles
The rollercoaster stopped and she got off

I believe she is afraid of facing something real with me
That what we have is true and it is overwhelming
That we can solve and become amazing
Amazing is a scary place if you are not ready for it

In seeing this I realized that she walked away
Regardless of if I am right or wrong
She walked away and I cannot fight or force her to love
So...I am left alone

I know what I want now
Happiness comes by accepting
I want a creative life
Which I have, and can continue to grow
I want a partner who loves me and is willing to overcome challenges
To grow in the face of ignorance and mistakes
To make us better by communication and trust
This will come in time by simply being

Last I learned something wonderful
I learned how to love
I gave my ex everything possible
I got rid of all my safety nets
I learned how to give of myself fully and truly
Right up to the last I continued to give without reservation or expectation
I loved, truly

I have been given a gift
And when it comes time to share it
It will be wonderful

I can still say that I love her, for that feeling does not go away
It gives me the strength to always be open to her
To never shut her out, to always listen and be willing to hear
To in that moment be feeling without resentment and interact fully truthfully
Maybe the universe will keep us in one way or another...The universe will let us know
But I know that this love can be placed in a special place
So that I can open to another
Soon, very soon
For today I am alone
There is no point holding onto someone who does not want holding
For that will only close me to the future
Thank you

The Close

You are welcome to read this
I never asked you to stop and won't
The thought came to me that you might read it
Should I censor? should I hold back?

The thought lasted only a minute
I have never held back with you
I have always given you my all
This is no time to stop

If you choose to read and are affected
Then you do
You may hate me
You may love me
you may be inspired to respond
or use it as fodder to laugh at me
or fuel your anger
or maybe to forgive me
Regardless of what it does
I will not hold back

I know that love is a two way street
that I cannot convince you to love me
that if you are not willing to work and fight
then it is all pointless

I take a deep breath
I accept you have stopped thinking of me as a love
You asked what I want
I want you
For I love you, I am in love with you, I want you and I need you in my life.

These words have always been a truth to me
I never said them without intention of keeping them with you till my death
So even though we come to a close because you cannot live and feel by what you once said
I take a look at all the hurts on both sides
I breathe
I feel love
I choose to forgive and work
and I know we can get past them

We come to a close for you do not want to work that way today
I must move forward
My heart, my words my soul remain open to you
For I am in love with you

Waking Up

As each day goes by you hurt me more
I only had one simple request
That if you knew to tell me
Please don't drag me along
I said
I have been here before it is better to just do what is necessary
You agreed, you said you don't play games,
and you again so many times stated I am not a mean person

I wonder when you will stop playing games
I wonder when you will stop dragging me along
I wonder where you are, you were not a mean person

Your ex did worse to you than I and he is treated better
I did everything for you in action to show love

The sad thing about this
I still love you
I said the words because I knew my emotions stood by them
That I would not back down from them
Almost two months without a peep from you
I am still fighting
My final act giving you space

Inside I know the feeling, love
Being with people but feeling alone because I want them to be you
Not being open to anyone but you
Still desiring only you
Wishing you were here, wanting to talk to you

Stop hurting me, stop playing games
I know to it is time for me to stop letting you do so
Each day I close up that much more
Each day my smile is for me and my sadness gone for you
I never wanted to end

Each morning I wake up with you
Just like I used to
The only thing I want in my life
Is to wake up each morning and kiss your smiling beautiful face

Time

it is time
to walk away
I don't want to
but...
I take a really deep breath
beginning to move
I know I am still open
but I don't hold my breath for you
you don't care
have shown no signs of respect
no less love
it is time
hope and trust are broken
words useless but proven lies remain
I wonder
will you call, and offer some respect
I doubt it but I hope
at least for that little thing

Phone

12:01 am
Phone rings
Two times, not enough to get to it
Hope that it was you
Wish it was
But know inside it was not
To little communication
To little effort for it to be
Probably a wrong number
But I still hope
For I am open
I am willing
I am in ....

The Actor

Sitting in a coffee shop getting notes from my director
I smile as I realize I am an artist
Successful or otherwise it is who I am
It helps to define my character

My zest for life, to not get stuck
My zaniness, my gaiety, my bounce
My ability to listen, to care, to love
Being in touch with my own feelings
Philosophy and idealism
Are all things informed by my artist, me.

These great qualities lead me on a voyage
That not to long ago introduced me to the love of my life
Unfortunately that artist who makes me desirable also leaves me undesirable

She has left me
Alone
beyond an initial desire to work and solve our bump in the road
she has left me with no communication, no respect, no care regarding us in anyway
I know she faces much, but this does not excuse cutting me out and cutting me in this way

As I think about it more and more I realize my artist helps inform these actions
My instability, my less masculine side, my inability to just take the reigns,
My lack of money, and potential weakness
My artist teaches me to question everything so that in my emotions I am always true
It teaches me to challenge myself so that I give all of me without reserve
all this informed by my artist
All things that when in a time of difficulty can easily lead one away from me

I am alone, I am afraid
We used to promise that we would not lose each other
That this was forever
We agreed to marry
But on the drop of a dime this all changed
I was without knowledge that it even was brewing

My fears have all come true in a matter of weeks
and all I can think now is that myself
This time while I challenged my emotions and sought to give my all
I was scaring her away
My action to get closer forced her to run

It is tragically ironic
If I were not this artist
I would never have met her
I would not have been where I was physically to meet her
Nor would I have the skills to draw her in
But at the same time the artist seems to have a quality that fulfills needs
I do what most other men do not, in my listening, my trusting, my feeling side
My caring aspect of love
But once that is used and I help to see brighter skies
I am useless, my caring comforting artist is no longer needed
So I am set to pasture
So if I were not this artist I would be like most other men
And I would be in this relationship still
A double edged sword

I recognize that I am who I am
That not only my artist informs all in my relationships
There are other aspects of me
But this is my biggest strongest side
It informs the most
Without it I would truly be a different person

So as I sit in the coffee shop alone after notes
a tear runs down my face
I am an actor
It leads me to so many wonderful places
It is all I have left
For it not only draws everyone in
But it forces them away

Mystery

Sitting at home
Alone waiting wondering when the call will come,
If the call will come

I wonder what makes it so difficult
By now you know how you feel
So call and tell me get it solved
For keeping me in limbo is just mean
It is selfish and it is inconsiderate

I wonder if it is possible
To be debating to be torn to be confused after all this
For me not possible but maybe for you
So call and let me know
Share and talk
For keeping me in limbo is just mean
It is selfish it is inconsiderate

You said you are not mean
But everything in the last while has been
Your character has changed and all that you were
I don't know
You are cruel and heartless
Full of lies and deciet

I wonder what do you get out of hurting me
I can see no value
It wastes time in life
I think regardless of where you are at
It is time
Stop being mean long enough to call
And offer some respect to the time we shared
For it was valuable

I cry for after all of that I still have some hope
and wish I did not

Silence

"Silence is never a good thing"

You said that once.
When I took over two hours to respond to an email while I was working on a conference call
Well almost two months have gone by and you have not said a thing

I can guess that this is really bad
I don't really guess anymore
I just assume
It seems pretty obvious

But why hold off
Why not just face it
Why not just say what is on your mind?

I don't have answers
But since I know what I want I can't make that call
You know what I want
You know how I feel

Action has demonstrated it for over a year and a half
Asking for your hand for eternity
I thought that might do it
Oops, silly me

Silence, never a good thing
Especially when that much is involved

Trust

gave everything
loved like never before
learned lessons from the past errors

it would seem that these are the steps
one would take to get to better healthier relationships
in my case they were the steps to get me to the worst

I have never been treated so poorly or with as much malisciousness
as I face now
I don't understand how that works
the build up to this was the best ever
I never thought I would be here
so broken
but as we approached I could never have
imagined it would get ugly
lesson learned
do not trust

Loving

There have been a few times in my life
That I have used the words I Love You
This last time was is for me
No other beyond compare
No want to compare

Of all the ways things happen
This finale has been the worst
Playing on my life's greatest fear
Silence and the growing evidence
That I was never wanted but needed

But I geuss we just have to take life for what it is
The sad part for me
Because I truly love I am still open and willing to work
That because I meant everything I said and stand by my actions
I want to solve and grow with the one I love

Sad to feel like the only person who gives and means it
But I learned something
I learned a new level of hurt
One that teaches me I don't want to do this again
I have loved and lost
I can feel me shutting down to never hurt like this again
Sad still open when I shut down never again

The epitome

We joked about me booking a gig that would solve our financial struggle

Well today I did

The biggest day of my entire career

No more financial struggles for us

But you are not here

I don't know if you ever will be

I went to celebrate

Called two close friends

Both sick in bed

I went alone

As I lifted my celebratory drink

Without the one person who I want to celebrate with

I look up to the big screen

An orange paw, on a purple and orange jersey

Not yours but really close

A universal slap

It cuts to commercial

Harry Potter opens today

I am not there to see it with you

I cheers myself

Alone in the bar

Celebrating a life victory

Alone in a bar

All around me are reminders of you

But you are not here

There is no indication that you would want to be

I take my first sip

Alone in a bar

I am tired of facing it alone

Good or bad

But I will

For I have nothing left

Just me

Alone in a bar

On the most influential day of my life

Repeating History

Twelve years ago

Almost to the day

I felt I had lost everything

I reached a life crisis

My love and I were separated by great distance

Due to a new job

She sounded so emotionally distant

I did not understand the path I was on

It sent me into a downward spiral

For about three weeks

When I came to I regained my clarity

Rushing home to reclaim myself and my love

She was not there

Emotionally sliding

She said we could fix

But never intended to do so

Three weeks later

Broken and crushed

I moved to the city

She never knew I thought of marriage

With nothing left

I threw myself at my work

Things looked good for a while

I booked

Twelve years later

I face a life crisis

My love and I are separated by distance

She already agreed to marry me

The life confusion sent me into a downward spiral

That lasted about three weeks

When I came to I had my clarity

But my love was gone

She said we should fix it

But has not shown the effort

I have lost my hope

Without hope I have nothing

With nothing left to lose

I threw myself at my work

Things seem good

I am booking

As future becomes present and present becomes past

I will no longer include love in the equation

For this repeat of history has just about destroyed me

A third time will kill me

Ahhhh...

So the realizations are hitting faster and harder

I don't want them to

I am not ready

But I know the truth

It takes two

Always two

Never just one

Tired

I am tired

Most of my mature life I have sought valuable relationship

In contrast to the world around me

I have always wanted a stable partner

Some one person to share my experiences with

I wanted it so bad as a youth

I would allow sex to confuse me

I would cling to anything to think that this could be it

As I matured I learned better

I spent a long time breaking down my habits

To stop lying to myself to be aware to choose wisely

Along the way I learned that I am a good person

That I am also a helpful and insightful person

My skills can clear problems with my level head

And clear mind

In seeing this while breaking my habits

I learned that in the past women used that good person

To spring board past problems and once used discarded me

I set out to find one person different from all of this

One person who would not use me as a stepping stone

But I believed it no longer possible

That my age, my knowledge of people, the reality of the world

That this one woman did not exist

I found her accidentally

She claimed that from the second she saw me she knew

Forever

She demonstrated and fulfilled these words

Did everything different than the past

Proved it was possible

In the words love

At least to me

I believe that two people work together

That no matter how hard the challenge

They work as one to overcome

Meeting half way to solve

In solving grow and make better

The two and the one

We hit a big problem

We faced it and agreed it was set to rest

It was not, at least for her,

It was hidden from me

It was a lie that we were fine

In the lie so happened the regression

and bit by bit those demonstrations of perfection

became like all the past

I trusted against this that it could not happen

But as we faced that challenge once again

All the words have been just that

Words

There has been no action to support

The past has taught me no action to me

Equals action to the self and growth without me

Leaving me used and discarded

I sit alone tonight

Hearing words

Wishing I was wrong

Praying I am incorrect

Crying that I found one person who gives like me

Stands by her words

Acts for the two

But the lack of action speaks louder than words

and I am left crying alone

Alone I face the world

and slowly I accept my dream of a partner

is but a pipe dream

I will face the world alone

I no longer feel I am of value to anyone

At least not of value worth keeping

I am tired of being discarded and no longer want to give

To discover I am useful only for one thing

That is not value to me

I will face alone

I find solace in knowing I have not given falsely

That I did not seek to hurt

That my indiscretions were done accidentally

And came from good intentions logic - ed out wrong

That in facing it alone

At least I did not accidentally bring someone along for too long

Get to embroiled and have a past broken home

Subtle solace but solace nonetheless

Unfortunate that I am not wrong in what I see

I wish I was

I would have value then

I would believe that someone else is like me

A Spark

Two years ago a fire was extinguished as a career felt its close
Eight months later the spark that was left found hope
As it moved onto something fun and a flame ignited
Two months later the spark found love and a fire burned
Two years later the fire was extinguished when communication was taken away from it
Leaving only a glowing ember
Two days ago the ember burned out when trust was broken

Crashing

The world I know

crashes around me

falls to the grounds and me to my knees

I continue to give

and I wonder why I have so much

to do so

when around me the world

and people I know

never live by what they say they will do

I wish for once I was wrong

I wish for once I could just stop

and be like the others

hurt with intention and move on

forget it when one thing goes wrong

and move on

but I am not that

I don't do that

I live and breathe by my words

when I give my soul

I stay and solve

I hate doing it alone

Hope

Hope is a funny thing
Some days I am full of it
Other days I have none of it
The occasional day I have a sliver or two

I keep hearing so many of your words
They are all words I have heard before
Each time previous they have all been lies
Used to cover the desire to gently say
I no longer want you
(only to realize I was only ever needed)

Actions speak louder than words
This is true
I am unique in most of my words I hold true
In those three specific I do not falter
So I have made my choices
I know my heart
I continue to give and live by the words I spoke

This morning I realized something which hurt the hope
This has nothing to do with my heart at all
There is nothing I can do, no words I can say, no actions I can take
For this is solely about your heart and your choices alone

Toronto

I am not meant to be here.
Whether I end up where I want to
or whether I do not
Toronto will not be my home for long

Having been away from it for so long I realize I do not like it here
I prefer smaller
I like little spaces
I want stability
This chaos sucks

Maybe if I owned my own coffee shop?!
A little place reminiscent of a Sherlock Holmes opium house
At least in terms of style, not people.

Up and Down

So we have an agreement
With no knowledge of what that means for the future
Which in its own way hurts as I know clearly what I want

We are both hurt
You for my indiscretions
Any I for your indiscretions
Yes we have both done things to hurt

Apologies have passed but anger is obvious still
How to get past it
I give I give I give

So some days I am up
Some days I am down
I know nothing any day
Except for that which hurts

You are unsure
Have no view of anything but the present
Are clear where you are
Seem distant from me

Months ago that thought made you ill
Now thoughts like this don't phase
I wonder again how women shut down like that and stop
When I said I love I meant forever
So I cannot shut down like that and I give

Even if you stop and it is apparent that I must
I will continue giving silently and will be hurt for a long time
So lets be honest
This minute I feel up
This minute I feel down
This second...

Most seconds are down
For I miss, I love and now I hurt

The end? or the beginning?

It has been a long four weeks.
The girl of my dreams dropped a time bomb on me
That issues from the past that were dealt with were not
And as a result our relationship is not

We want to talk
We agree we need to be friends and regain trust
We have no idea where that takes us or what we want from that starting over
Starting over, her words but no knowledge of what we are starting

In the last four weeks none of the above agreements have been met
Each day I call, each day I email, each day I put effort into communicating
Each day she puts me off and I only have so much to give
If actions do not change it is obvious that words mean nothing
Without action and work to heal none takes place
There is hurt and anger on both sides but even that needs communication
Yelling at one another is a good way to start, provided you want to finish in a good place
It provides understanding to the pain and gets it out of the system
Keeping things holed up only allows them to fester

I know what I want but my hope has been crushed
I can only hold out for so long
Right now I take a deep breath
I just live and breathe everyday

I hope each day that the fantasy we started
truly becomes our reality
I am romantic at heart and want what so few have
true love
For a brief time I had it with her
I guess it is not true if she is not with me in the end

And so there it is
If we do not start talking soon
If we do not start communicating and building soon
We will never
I send out a universal prayer
That she still feels
That she wants to truly talk
That she hopes to find our friendship
That it rekindles our love
That she calls tonight and begins working with me on us

Let the universe here that my hope is for a happy next blog
For I have been broken, crushed and my heart stomped on
I gave all for I love
I thought if you gave truly it came back to you
So far I have been wrong
I want to be proven right for a change
I love therefore I hope

Obvious

You once said
"Silence is never a good thing"
You once said (many times)
"Are you ready to make the choices necessary for us"

It seems that I was only a mirror for questions you need to ask you
Removal by omission is abusive and painful

You once said I
"Was different than everyone else"
You once said
"I love you"

I guess these words have no meaning impact
That these actions demonstrated to create these words
Are not looked at to weigh the whole person being judged

I thought with those words
I had at least gained enough respect
For some communication

I guess truly I am the fool
for giving at all, for trusting to your words
to living by the words I once said
"I love you"
"I will not run away"
"I will never betray you for I am not your past"

Actions are louder than words
It would still be nice to hear what those actions mean

Halo

A song to remember? It once had meaning. Tragic the way things change. Have to wonder about the impact of words versus actions.

Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make up a sound

I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light

I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me back to the ground again

Feels like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
The risk that I'm takin'
I'm never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
Halo, halo

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

It Takes Two

... to make a relationship work
but only one thing
which one person can not see past
to destroy it

I have said this all my life
and now I look it dead in the eye
I realize that in addition to this theory
all of my philosophies
both negative and positive
have been embodied in this one woman

all my fantasies and fears in the same person
all my joys and challenges
I rejoiced in the easy stuff and worked to overcome the challenges
I was successful for myself
but did not listen to my own teachings and philosophies
so the work I did was in vain
I never had a chance

cause it only takes one thing that one person is not willing to overcome
What a dream a beautiful fantasy that I tasted and made a reality for a second
What a nightmare
The darkness won

The Universe

...gives us all that we need
and there is a reason for everything
For once in my life I cannot see or understand why
The universe gave me this pain and this destruction
I usually can find a small sliver to work with
But this time
I have nothing
I see no reason or lesson that will come out of this
I thought I had used my past lessons to make choices wisely
But I guess I was wrong

Numb Pain

They are not my words but I am using them
Simply because I have become good at it
Music, silence, work and alcohol
All the things I do to forget where I am
What is going on
How I am alone again
How I hurt inside
How my giving means shit
How words mean nothing
and action now seems to mean nothing too
that in the end feelings mean nothing also
for they are not respected or held to
So while I recognize that the one thing I believe in is crushed
That the only time in close to twenty years I opened like this
That all my ideals and philosophies are wrong and useless
And I am being left behind over a lack of understanding and misperception
I think to me
Well that is life and it can crush
We are where we need to be
So for the time being I will numb pain
Oh alcohol! You are my true friend right now.

The biggest turn

I am not where I want to be
I am here without you
I gained the clarity that I needed

You told me what you shared was not full
What I knew in essence is not true
There is a choice to be made
By you
To see me for who I am
Or make me into your past
I have no control over it

At this point every angle, every action you make
Says the choice is made
You see nothing but your past in me
Unfortunate, for it is misunderstanding
It is not truly looking at me
Nor is it taking the risks we said we would take
when we uttered those three words.

I did not run when you shared and you were positive I would
I accepted your side and fulfilled all that you asked
I did more than anyone else
I smiled when you said "you are not like anyone else"
I did nothing to betray you
But think of you in a light I believed positive
Ironic that it cost me you, tragic really

I see all of that
Experience your ice which I knew would never be pleasant
Understand exactly what you are doing for I have watched you do it
And I sit in pain

I cannot continue like this
So while I pray for ice to melt
And a flower to bloom
I changed the circumstance
And did for me

Broken and hurt

Tonight I talked with my mother
About how much I truly missed you
About how much I truly missed my life with you
About how where you are felt like home
I expressed I had a thin sliver of hope
By midnight my hope had been shattered
Again in my life I am being pulled along
Each day I put out the hope that today is the day
The day you live up to the words
But today again I was put off
Today again I was an afterthought
Each day it has got a little worse
Tomorrow I have nothing left to put out hope with
Everything I have is in your hands, I gave it all to you
You have put it down and forgot it
Actions not words, I know this, but you taught me its strength
Your actions say it all
I have nothing left but a hurt and broken soul and heart

Morning

I woke up two hours ago and wrote a blog.
It was really really long
It was about the pain I go through each day trying to understand how we got here
It was about all the things that are happening to show me your actions saying you are gone
It was about the few things I see that offer a small sliver of hope
It was about everything I am doing to keep my sanity and my love
It was all those things and more.
I discovered something in there, about our communication
It offered me a slightly larger piece of hope
I pray you may read it or listen to me about it and see love

Ouch

I am here in Canada
Working my self crazy to make some money
So I can return to you
I love you there is not a doubt in my mind of my feelings for you
I do everything in my power to demonstrate and work at that
We hit a snag
A big one
One that came up a long time ago
I remember sitting in a mall and saying
"I want to deal with this now because if we don't it will haunt us"
You agreed and said you were good when we reached our conclusion

I get so hurt
Because I trust
I listen to people and I accept what they say
With you I watched your actions too
For the most part your actions were good
But I saw them slipping.
I didn't acutally understand so I could not speak about it
I found out that the words mean nothing
It has come up and is the source of all this chaoas
Your subtle actions were indicative that we had not dealt with it

I trusted, still do, that we have what it takes
I trust you
I love you

I knew you were hurt and since that day have been working to clear it
Yet you didn't trust
The work feels in vain
Last night I found out for sure that the work had failed
That we have a long way to go
That the circumstances are different
That we face so much
Becuase of broken trust

You too had your secret
Thought you were helping by not sharing
Thought you could save the collapse
but realized you were the forefront of the already falling stuff
Now you see how it hurts us

Could you not see that the same logic
That used to help protect each other
Is the reason we both had a secret
That in knowing you did what I did realize that I was working for us
and from that trust me?
I trust you for that reason, I trust you because I love, I trust you because I want you and I am willing to believe we are more.
I trust you because you are human and it was a mistake, I will not hold a mistake against you
I trust because I truly love

So I sit typing
Alone
Cold
Hurt
Broken
Staring triggers from the past in the face
Knocking on closed doors to your soul
Hoping they will open

Because when I choose my words I stand by them in action
I love you said I
I meant for life
I meant that no matter what the difficulty I want you
so I stand and fight
hoping, praying
My past teaches me that this is all in vain, that no one uses words like me
Words are cheap to most

I hope and I fight because I want you and I want your words not to be in vain
I saw our past, when we were good
You saw our future when we were great
We live our present, and experience the struggle

I hope it is a short struggle that represents our visions

Life

So once again life takes another turn
I feel sick to my stomach
and a bit out of control
That which I thought was stable begins to fall apart
Or maybe it begins to get better
I really don't know
I have given everything without reserve
I continue to fight and challenge for I don't want to lose this
Yet it may not be my choice

I think I lose myself in giving so much
I complete each and everything asked and work to make happy
I think in there I lose some self expression
I think I do to much for the other and not enough for us

I smile at that though because I have been thinking
I feel empowered because I can see it
Because I don't want to lose you I want to change
Because the environment will be different I can express more
Participate more, be active more
I remember that I have likes and wants too
Those need being met also, I cannot always do for you

I know this time I am here for the right reasons
I did not lie to myself or to you
I followed a truth in feeling and emotion
There was never any alter motive
and there was never any breach in conviction, it was always you

Those last two paragraphs make me feel stronger like myself
And I am happy from my inside for them
It means I have strength and can see it thus can change and make better
I have spent time writing and seeking and breathing
I have asked of me the same questions asked of you
I realize I have nothing hidden I am completely open I gave all
I want to be part of our all

For the first time in my life in this situation
I don't feel I am to blame
I don't feel you are to blame
For the first time in my life I realize
we are people who made choices
each with its effect on us
it does not matter as they are past
they need some discussion but not much to avoid repeat
they need some focus to illicit change if that is what is wanted
and the only reality is what is here and now in the moment
If we live in the moment, using the past to make stronger choices
there is the best future ever
Without this there is no growth and ...

If the emotion still exists then that is what is real
All else can be conquered, if we let each other in
without reserve for that is what the emotion is

Things I Recently Relearned

Happiness comes from within and is accentuated by your partner (I am not good at internal happiness I want yoga to help me with that)

One does things they fall in love with and never knows what happens (it is why I am where I am. I just did according to my love)

Once you have it the rest will come (I have difficulty accepting this, I strive for structure)

It all starts with Desire (I have plenty of this)

It then just begins to grow.

My Memory

I have been thinking a lot lately; trying to gain clarity ("do or do not there is no try") to regain myself and stay positive. As each day passes just a little bit comes clearer. Today as I lay thinking, or more appropriately allowing for no thinking so that things would just wash over and through me, I became clear on my memory. It is known that I have an amazing memory, provided that the person who in am hanging out with can say the right triggers to open that section of recall. Without the right triggers my memory is shite. Today I realized why, for at least some of my recall issues not all. I am remembering a recent moment with you telling me important stuff. At the start of the message was something important to me but this point was not nearly as important as the overall point of the message. I remember saying to myself "remember that because it is somthing for later". Anyway I listened intently to what you had to say and its value and impact was that much that it became priority. We talked about it for a bit and now as I recall I cannot remember that thing which I wanted to so desperately remember. So today I learned that when I have several things of importance to hold to, all given to me at once, and all connected then I seem to only remember the thing which is most important and defines the overall moment. So does my memory work. I am sorry for all those forgotten importances.

Bike Ride

It has been a long time since I have been on a bike
A really long time
So today I hopped on my bike
And rode into the city
For a weekend of work
Spaced between the work I shall see some friends
They are letting me crash on couches it is nice
I was to go out tonight, hang out while a friend worked
Some clubby arts event
My legs are killing me
After close to four hours on a bike in total plus all the sun
I think I have bit of fatigue and sun fatigue
My head is pounding and I am dead
Just staying in and breathing tonight
Let legs rest as I will be on them all day tomorrow at work
Oh the things I do to get to my dreams!

Subway Revelations

Picture this

Sitting on the TTC

Red seats and silver everywhere

Found a comfortable spot on a late night train, 

My own little bubble, no one near me

Picture this

Dress shoes, socks, pants and shirt

Looking all prim and proper

Yet I sit with my knees pulled up to my chest

My arms wrapped around my knees

Fetal in a seated position

The position does not match the attire

I realize I do not match the attire

I can play the role

But it is not me

I like pubs,

I like jeans,

I like jazzy, alternative background, Nova Scotian music

I like to just be a man of the earth

I am such a simple person

I have no real opinions

I am not knowledgeable on politics,

literature, current news events or anything for that matter

(although I do have opinions on film and theatre)

I honestly never have much to say for I would rather be silent than ignorant

Or stupid in the face of those who are knowledgeable

I sit cradled in my TTC chair, wrapped like a vagabond

In clothes I wear but do not fit well

and I wonder

What is seen in me?

What value to I have?

Am I a good person?

Should I be kept around?

Am I worth it?

These are the thoughts of a man lost

One not sure how to reconcile the expectations of the world

Versus where I actually am and what I want

I get scared about everything tangible

But I stop daily to breathe

Yes I said to breathe

And to listen

I do these two things to check in with me

I don't ever want to mislead, or lie, or confuse, or falsely carry on

For anyone of importance ever again in my life

I have done so before and crushed, Never again

So I stop each and every day

I ask the same question and l wait

The answer is from the gut without impediment

I ask it again and question the answer to be sure

It is the same

My emotions, the way I feel, the way I want

In respect to you is unchanged

It rings true and sings to me

You are the only thing in my world which I know for sure is true

My place in the world in the universe is emotionally with you

You are what I want

Everything else is chaos but you are a known in my life

I only want that known to be true on both sides

I fear that the chaos in everything else about me is not fair

Or that is scares you away, or that it equals your loss

I only want the best for you because I know my emotion

My emotion sings with you.

I am tired.

Not physically but emotionally

Not in my feelings towards others

But in feelings towards myself

?

Exactly

I am tired of pushing and prodding and fighting and biting and scratching

My way for the things which are necessities of life

I have been dealing with it a lot lately

It has affected me most of my adult life

It effects me more today and right now 

Than any other time in my life

In reality it does not effect me so much 

As it effects you in turn us

This is why it effects me so much

I can deal with anything, my past has shown me that

I cannot deal with my crap effecting others

It is not fair

I smile, I think so much of others, in the way that my simple existence effects them

So in turn I must always speak of me and think of me so that I can change my impact on others

Crazy how that works

At any rate this has been on my mind a lot lately

I recognize and I know that I work to solve and that takes me away

That I get caught up in it etc

I also realize and know that attitude changes many things if not all

So I have been reminding myself that something big is happening this summer

Something big is happening this summer

Let me restate something big is happening this summer

With that said everything will change and be alright

No more in time, no more I want, no more soon

But this summer

Pickles

Have you ever noticed that pickles are the most amazing food

I mean go to any restaurant and order a sandwich

If they don't bring a pickle it just isn't right

Just think without that crunch, that satisfying bit of refreshment would be pointless

Pickles, a perfect food?

Hamburgers, hotdogs, sandwiches, on their own, a late night snack

Pickles!

Knowledge

I know exactly what I want

I am crystal clear on it

Without any doubt or confusion

This is not my problem

My problem is that I do not know how to get there

Especially while maintaining that which I already have and want

Perception and Delusions

I thought if you followed your heart your dreams came true

I was wrong

I heard myself say I wanted something many years ago

I followed it diligently for a long time

I watched others, took classes and learned the steps to success

I failed at all those attempts

I am no further today than I was at the start of the journey

I thought if you followed your heart your dreams came true

I was right

I heard myself say I wanted something years ago

I followed it diligently for a long time

I experimented, talked about it, listened to others and practiced what I understood

I failed at many of those attempts but found them to be little steps to the big one

I have what I want today

Both of the above stories are true in my life.

Two different dreams

One a pipe dream 

One a reality

If they sit in those categories then one need observe the way they are looked at

In observing and realizing that one does not seem to progress and one has

Then one is delusion and one is reality

I cannot live in a delusion world and maintain my reality

I could live in a delusion world but then I would have no reality (te he)

So it only makes sense, get rid of the delusion fully

Heal the self 

Live in reality

In two days I head home.

In some ways to face the things I have not/cannot achieve

I was looking at a friends website today

It has grown dramatically

I remember when he was just starting out

A small room for a reading series

I don't know that the series is that much bigger today

In terms of audience or attendence

But his site is massive, with contributors and ads

And all the things that make it look successful

I could have been a part of that

I smile because I know had I stayed there it would not have been the right path for me

And I would be unhappy

So I don't regret not being a part of it today

What I get out of it is that a friend had a vision and it has come to fruition

I think it is great

I am troubled because my vision is not in fruition

One that I have had for a long time and I can only think I did something wrong

I don't know what it was though

I don't know how to fix it

It occurs to me that fixing it is not necessary for that is the past

What is important is remodeling, reinventing for that is the current

I have been doing that to some degree

Yet it feels like every time I make a step forward my past choices create blocks

Unions!

Well here I sit, unknowing of the future

Feeling lost and down

Basically feeling like I have not done anything in the life achievement category

I am still me, struggling to get somewhere, thinking that I won't be able too

I here all the adages, Yoda stands out the loudest

Do or do not....there is no try

If at first you don't succeed try try again

For every major success there are thousands of failures before that

And so I go on, this time not knowing exactly how to do it

Wondering if my vision is strong enough to get me through

Okay time to breathe, I have bounced every other time in my life

This will be no exception, I always find a way to happiness

The future

is a place that I do not know.

Living in a day to day basis is hard for someone like me

Planning, hell I had my whole life planned by the time I was fifteen

I achieved so much

Gained so little

But have much more than I ever expected

It is a weird little dichotomy that I don't understand

I stand on the cusp of doing exactly what I want

What I have dreamed of

At the same time letting go of so many other things

The dream fulfills my soul

The letting go challenges my self

I don't understand where life takes me

At one time I truly did

But now I have no clue

I have followed my gut

Listened to the things that said break the rut 

Moved away from all that was destroying me

Found a new life completely

One that was always in my desires

But did not learn how to merge

Maybe the merging comes later

Maybe it comes when I just accept and breathe

It is so hard to be humble and accept 

When I want to be brave and support

I don't like being down

When I want to carry

Yet here I am.

Just me, facing things I did not think I would face

Maybe pride, maybe lack of action, maybe just lofty dreams

All have let me be

Yet all the above mentioned lacks have brought me to happiness in other aspects

There is an adage of having cake and eating it too

This is my life in the moment

Foiled...Temporarily?

So I am looking for work, so many are.

I am in a foreign country, which makes it a bit more complicated

I found some work, yay for me

I got a wonderful offer, yay for me

The union is blocking me from taking it

This bites.

I mean when I started in this industry I could not get paid because I was not in the union

I was limited to volunteer jobs and hack work to build my resume

I built it up, I survived for 10 years

I got into the union

In the last while things have changed dramatically and people can't afford the wages of the union

So now I can't get paid because I am in the union

I am forced/choose to step outside of my speciality and focus 

Just to survive

and now I see the union has jurisdiction there too

so now to make a living I have to go to a profession that I have no desire to be in at all

and forgo my dreams because the union which protects me won't let me work

I will petition and find a way

But I am getting tired of fighting to do what I want

I thought if you pursued your dreams and lived by your heart you got somewhere

Right now I am frustrated.

Communication

Everyone carries some baggage

It is only human to hold onto things of our past.

For some that baggage is light and simple, a fatigue due to an ex who we may never think about again

For others the baggage is life's tragedy and its impact will never allow them to mover forward

And then for others yet again they are somewhere in between these two

With baggage one thing seems common.

The way that we hear people's speech

This thing is not solely referenced to past romantic relationships

But truly to all relationships

Ever had a parent constantly nag you to speak up?

They look at you and say "Well....?" expecting the answer

Picture it, you're at home with your special someone

You're having a good time, laughing, being playful and all those things

Your special someone looks at you and says "Well....?" in that same tone.

Your mind goes into spasms, your stomach churns and your wonderful little moment is gone

Words and tones become associated to people in relationships

They have both positive and negative impacts

The thing to remember is that not everyone uses language in the same way.

Although it is the same phrase that sends chills down your spine it is not the same tone.

And unless it is coming from the person who you associate it too, then it likely does not have any connection to the same meaning

Suck it up, remember that each person is unique and so is each communication

Jump out of your Pavlovian response and be yourself, 

Respond to this new person in the way they make you feel.

Falling

Jumping off a tall building will eventually kill you

But the jump is not the culprit

Nor is it the thirty six story fall

Falling does not kill you

What kills you is the impact when you hit the ground

Impact kills, play safe, go no contact until its worth it

Proverbs

Yesterday is the past

We cannot change it for it is history

Tomorrow is the future

It remains an unknown

Today is a gift

That is why it is the present

So approach it like it is Christmas day and tear into it

Confucius say:

"Man who go to bed with itchy bum

wake up with stinky finger"

One cannot judge another 

Until they have walked a mile in their shoes

Love is a two way street

Share the road

What goes around comes around

so treat everyone equally

You never know who will be in the audience

Always give it your best 

Have sex on Wednesdays

It is hump day after all

Everyone likes a hump day

Live every day like it is your last

It just might be

Never hide from sharing your feelings

Make sure that everyone always knows how you feel

Make sure if you feel bad you solve it

If you are upset with someone get through it then not later

You never know when you will see them again

Do not put off till tomorrow what you can do today

A penny saved is a penny earned

Its better to burn out than fade away

Try everything at least three times

The first time you are inexperienced and adjusting

The second time you are getting the hang of it

The third time you have the ability to make an informed decision

Besides the global sport of baseball gives every player three strikes

Millions of fans can't be wrong

Accept people for who they are right now

Do not judge them for their past

For their past is what makes them the person they are right now

The past, good or bad is irrelevant, you have to deal with the person in front of you

Remember to fuck

Remember to screw

Remember to have a quickie

Do it in the shower, on the floor, in the kitchen

Outside, inside, and anywhere you can 

But always remember to make love.